1 00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:57,541 [Rooster Crowing] 2 00:01:04,991 --> 00:01:08,427 [Dog Barking] 3 00:01:11,564 --> 00:01:13,725 I hate the army! 4 00:01:13,833 --> 00:01:18,634 Usually, I just can't stand it, but this is different. This is hate. 5 00:01:18,738 --> 00:01:22,970 Two days in surgery... I remove enough shrapnel to build a DeSoto. 6 00:01:23,075 --> 00:01:25,771 I evac an entire post-op full of patients. 7 00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:28,574 Then I go to the Mess Tent for my first decent meal. 8 00:01:28,681 --> 00:01:31,650 - You know what they had for breakfast? - I'm closed. 9 00:01:31,751 --> 00:01:34,743 Spam omelets with dried fruit cocktail. 10 00:01:34,854 --> 00:01:36,754 How can I eat that and look my mouth in the face? 11 00:01:36,856 --> 00:01:39,484 Sorry. My pots and pans are asleep. 12 00:01:39,592 --> 00:01:43,426 Rosie. One quick, nourishing breakfast, please. 13 00:01:43,529 --> 00:01:47,590 Okay. I still got some grease left over from last night. 14 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,793 - What'll you have? - A beer and a bowl. 15 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:54,703 - What? - The breakfast of ex-champions. 16 00:01:59,111 --> 00:02:01,944 - Ahh. Listen to that. - [Crackling] 17 00:02:02,048 --> 00:02:04,846 Snap, crackle and burp. 18 00:02:06,218 --> 00:02:08,118 Mmm. 19 00:02:11,324 --> 00:02:13,690 Whatever you got, in a shot glass. 20 00:02:13,793 --> 00:02:16,785 - I might as well open. - [Sighs] 21 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:20,998 Anything to smoke? 22 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,330 Special today: Two bits. 23 00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:26,132 - My treat. - Thanks. 24 00:02:26,238 --> 00:02:29,401 - It's got teeth marks on it. - It's a demonstrator model. 25 00:02:30,743 --> 00:02:33,234 Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce. And I forget your name? 26 00:02:33,346 --> 00:02:35,678 Scully. Jack Scully. 27 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:41,185 Listen, uh, I don't mean to pry, but are the Chinese right outside the door or something? 28 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:45,121 Nope. I just came off the line about five miles back. 29 00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:49,593 Hell of a battle. When it was over, I decided to go away for a little rest. 30 00:02:49,695 --> 00:02:51,595 I've been a-walkin' and thumbin' since sunrise. 31 00:02:51,697 --> 00:02:56,259 - You're AWOL? - [Exhales] For about three hours. 32 00:02:56,369 --> 00:02:58,633 AWOL? Did I hear AWOL? 33 00:02:58,738 --> 00:03:01,866 Sorry, buddy, but out you go. I don't want no M.P. S bustin' in on me. 34 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:04,841 - I run a family bar. - I'll vouch for him, Rosie. 35 00:03:04,944 --> 00:03:08,778 One M.P., and it's your butt. 36 00:03:08,881 --> 00:03:10,815 I've been out there for six months. 37 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:15,512 Every day, crawling and scratching from one lousy foxhole to another. 38 00:03:15,621 --> 00:03:21,560 Watching buddies of mine get clobbered two feet away, knowing there's no end in sight. 39 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:25,619 Well, I called time-out. I'm lucky to have made it this far, and I ain't going back. 40 00:03:25,731 --> 00:03:28,700 - That's the spirit. - This war's over for me, Mac. 41 00:03:28,801 --> 00:03:32,328 I'm gonna sit right here and order drinks and pay for 'em with whatever I got on my back. 42 00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:34,599 I ought to last out a good 10 years. 43 00:03:35,641 --> 00:03:37,973 Refill. 44 00:03:38,077 --> 00:03:42,104 - Here. Keep the change. - No. Put that back in your wallet. 45 00:03:42,214 --> 00:03:45,047 My contribution to the antiwar effort. 46 00:03:46,085 --> 00:03:48,053 You're spoilin' me. 47 00:03:49,088 --> 00:03:51,079 Ah, Hawkeye, there you are. 48 00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,090 I don't know why, but there you are. 49 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:56,787 - Beej, this is Sergeant Scully, and vice versa. - Hey, those are real soldier clothes. 50 00:03:56,896 --> 00:03:59,228 Potter's looking for you. There's some paperwork you didn't finish... 51 00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:01,629 - like for the last six months. - Tell him I'm sorry. 52 00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:03,634 - No, tell him I'm not coming back. - Huh? 53 00:04:03,736 --> 00:04:06,603 In fact, you can rent out my room. Scully and I are staying here forever. 54 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,105 - You're divorcing the army? - Call me fickle. 55 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:13,372 - I'll call you in Leavenworth. - Come on. Life is a sewer sandwich. Have a shot. 56 00:04:13,479 --> 00:04:16,141 Sorry, I'm on a rigid diet. No alcohol before breakfast. 57 00:04:16,248 --> 00:04:18,239 Rosie'll whip you up a side of waffles. 58 00:04:18,350 --> 00:04:20,250 Well, okay. One drink. 59 00:04:20,352 --> 00:04:23,583 [Singing Show Tune] 60 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,429 [Ends] 61 00:04:37,536 --> 00:04:39,436 Aw, let her go. 62 00:04:39,538 --> 00:04:42,871 You know our problem? Our voices are too low. This time, let's be the Andrews Sisters. 63 00:04:42,975 --> 00:04:44,875 I'll be Patty, you be Maxene, you be LaVerne. 64 00:04:44,977 --> 00:04:47,172 I'm always LaVerne! Why can't you be LaVerne once? 65 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:49,713 Because I've had it with making sacrifices! 66 00:04:49,815 --> 00:04:52,249 They sent me to this stinking place, and they won't let me go home. 67 00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:54,512 Sorry, I didn't know. Sure glad I'm not in your shoes. 68 00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:59,523 Hey, let's not talk about it. As long as we're here, there's no out there. Just us. 69 00:04:59,625 --> 00:05:02,185 No lousy war. No crummy army. 70 00:05:02,294 --> 00:05:04,455 - And the skies are not cloudy all day. - Right. 71 00:05:04,563 --> 00:05:10,502 You know, Scully makes sense. What he's trying to say is... you stop me if I'm wrong... 72 00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:14,369 - What's he trying to say? - That Rosie's is an oasis... 73 00:05:14,473 --> 00:05:18,534 a bamboo security blanket... a neutral country all its own. 74 00:05:18,644 --> 00:05:22,512 Yeah. Yeah, a country. Why don't we form our own country? 75 00:05:22,615 --> 00:05:27,018 Yeah, right. There. You see what you did, Uncle Sam? We seceded from the Union. 76 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,917 Hey, wait a minute. Don't we gotta give our country a name? 77 00:05:30,022 --> 00:05:32,183 Otherwise, how can schoolkids ever study about us? 78 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,226 Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, okay. Uh... 79 00:05:35,327 --> 00:05:38,888 All right, a name. All right, okay. I got it. I got it. How's this? 80 00:05:38,998 --> 00:05:42,092 - Canada. - What? - I think that's being used. 81 00:05:42,201 --> 00:05:45,432 All right. Then let's name it after... after the founder, Rosie. 82 00:05:45,538 --> 00:05:48,439 How's this? Rosieland. 83 00:05:48,541 --> 00:05:52,204 Rosieland is the name of a ballroom, not a country. 84 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:56,680 - If you let me call it Rosieland, I'll be LaVerne. - Rosieland! It's perfect! 85 00:05:56,782 --> 00:05:59,012 Rosie, another round. 86 00:05:59,118 --> 00:06:02,986 - Everybody drinking. Anybody paying? - How 'bout a bottle on the house? 87 00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:06,421 We just declared your crummy saloon to be a sovereign new state... Rosieland. 88 00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:08,516 Tsk. I gotta start watering the booze. 89 00:06:08,627 --> 00:06:13,462 - Our motto is "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happy hour." - And we're staying here forever. 90 00:06:13,566 --> 00:06:15,625 Just don't make a mess. 91 00:06:16,669 --> 00:06:18,569 Oh, there you are. 92 00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:20,969 Colonel Potter's got an all-points bulletin out for you two. 93 00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:23,974 - We're not here. - Oh, I get it. Layin' low. 94 00:06:24,076 --> 00:06:25,976 Well, don't worry. My lips are stapled. 95 00:06:26,078 --> 00:06:29,275 Back in Toledo, we got a saying: "Spill the news, and you wear cement shoes." 96 00:06:29,381 --> 00:06:32,475 - What a nice way to put it. - Here you go, LaVerne. 97 00:06:32,585 --> 00:06:37,318 Rosie! I understand Wang Ho is bringing Korea's finest floating crap game right here. 98 00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:39,618 - I don't know a thing. - I gotta get in that game. 99 00:06:39,725 --> 00:06:43,058 - I even wore my professional knee pads. - I still don't know a thing. 100 00:06:43,162 --> 00:06:45,062 Right. 101 00:06:45,164 --> 00:06:46,961 - Here you are. - Another five. 102 00:06:47,066 --> 00:06:49,466 How'd you know? 103 00:06:49,568 --> 00:06:51,627 Just follow me. 104 00:06:54,406 --> 00:06:58,433 Great place you've got here! Banquet facilities and everything. 105 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,513 When Wang Ho shows up, tell him you got a reservation. 106 00:07:01,614 --> 00:07:04,310 - Good luck and bring back the bacon. - [Laughs] 107 00:07:04,416 --> 00:07:07,010 Luck has nothing to do with it. It's skill. 108 00:07:07,119 --> 00:07:10,714 Back in Toledo, I was such a hot shooter, even a couple of big-league scouts approached me. 109 00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:13,189 The mob is always on the lookout for fresh talent. 110 00:07:13,292 --> 00:07:16,022 Uh-huh. When you're tap city, let me know. 111 00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:19,291 I got a big waiting list for your spot. 112 00:07:20,766 --> 00:07:24,395 Hey, what's this? 113 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,301 Oh. That's what happened to that deadbeat. 114 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,341 I thought he just skipped out without paying. 115 00:07:30,442 --> 00:07:32,433 Whew! He's a sponge. 116 00:07:32,544 --> 00:07:35,741 Sir, you okay? 117 00:07:35,848 --> 00:07:38,339 Thirty dollars. Liquor and two days' rent. 118 00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:40,680 - Cough it up. - Don't tempt him. 119 00:07:48,761 --> 00:07:50,854 Ah, welcome to Rosieland! 120 00:07:50,963 --> 00:07:55,491 With every drink you get an honorary citizenship and a commemorative pretzel. 121 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,536 Wait! Wait, wait! A little respect for our flag. 122 00:08:00,673 --> 00:08:03,164 Sort of makes you want to cry, doesn't it? 123 00:08:06,011 --> 00:08:09,412 Has anybody explained to you the philosophy of Rosieland? 124 00:08:09,515 --> 00:08:12,712 No. But somebody wanted to use my underwear for a flag. 125 00:08:12,818 --> 00:08:15,878 Oh, that would be our secretary of the interior. 126 00:08:15,988 --> 00:08:18,855 It's an intimate little country we have here, where man's only obligation... 127 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,857 is to love his fellow woman. 128 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:24,190 So how 'bout it? You wanna be a patriot and love me back? 129 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,196 Turncoat. 130 00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:34,771 - What's going on here? - Aw, Major, we just came in for a little drink. 131 00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,273 - We're not on duty, and everybody's here. - That's what I mean. 132 00:08:37,376 --> 00:08:40,072 - Why wasn't I invited? - We didn't think you'd be interested. 133 00:08:40,179 --> 00:08:42,613 - That's gonna cost you both a drink. - Well, sit down. 134 00:08:42,715 --> 00:08:46,651 Excuse me, ladies. I'd like to go over your head. Major, would you care to dance? 135 00:08:46,752 --> 00:08:48,845 Oh, thank you, but I'm having a drink with my nurses. 136 00:08:48,954 --> 00:08:51,923 What would you say if I told you you're the prettiest thing I've seen in six months? 137 00:08:52,024 --> 00:08:55,790 Let's hit the floor. And, please, call me Margaret. 138 00:08:55,894 --> 00:08:59,261 Oh, sir, thank goodness you're here, or I wouldn't have found you here. 139 00:08:59,365 --> 00:09:03,267 - Colonel Potter's really mad. - Radar, you can tell Potter we're not coming back. 140 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:06,361 Are you crazy? You want me to tell him that? 141 00:09:06,472 --> 00:09:09,873 This morning he bit through a pencil... He wasn't even wearing his partial. 142 00:09:09,975 --> 00:09:12,876 No, sir. If you're not willing to face the colonel, Captain, neither am I. 143 00:09:12,978 --> 00:09:17,608 - Then neither am I. How about a grape Nehi? - Yeah. I could use one. 144 00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:22,853 Who's that? 145 00:09:22,955 --> 00:09:26,948 Klinger found him about an hour ago. If nobody claims him by tomorrow, he gets to keep him. 146 00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:29,027 Doesn't he have any I.D.? He's gotta have I.D. 147 00:09:29,128 --> 00:09:33,087 Just his dog tags. Major Frank Dorsett, the unknowing soldier. 148 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:36,929 - I better check him out with H.Q. - Yeah, see if they have a missing drunk. 149 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:42,063 First I'm gonna have that Nehi. Maybe a double. 150 00:09:45,511 --> 00:09:47,843 [B.J.] Straight Nehi for my friend here. 151 00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:54,308 Gentlemen. The Wang Ho crap game is here for your enjoyment. 152 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:56,479 - Here we go. - [Chattering] - Wait a minute. 153 00:09:56,588 --> 00:09:59,386 Neither of you is Wang Ho. How could this be his game? 154 00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:03,552 He sold it to us, but we get to use his name. Good for business. 155 00:10:03,662 --> 00:10:07,792 I'm Cho Kim, and this is my oldest son, Ham. 156 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,334 - Ever see two more honest faces? - Plenty of times. 157 00:10:10,436 --> 00:10:12,336 - Here we go. - [Laughs] 158 00:10:12,438 --> 00:10:15,100 Funny clothes you wear to shoot dice. Where you gonna put your winnings? 159 00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:18,233 - I got a garter belt and two "B" cups. - You shoot. Ladies first. 160 00:10:18,343 --> 00:10:21,278 - Okay. Down for 10. Cover me. - Cover. - [Chattering] 161 00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:23,439 Here we go. It's like handing Liberace a piano. 162 00:10:23,549 --> 00:10:26,780 - [Chuckles] Yeah, so you say. - All right. [Blows] Talk to me, freckle twins! 163 00:10:26,885 --> 00:10:29,319 - Here we go, baby! - Point is four. 164 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:31,981 - Twenty he won't make it. - Ho-ho! [Blows] 165 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,058 Come on, four! 166 00:10:34,159 --> 00:10:36,093 Craps! Mr. Seven is a loser. 167 00:10:36,195 --> 00:10:40,097 - [Laughs] - Come on, guys. My whole future's in your hands. 168 00:10:40,199 --> 00:10:43,635 [All Cheering] 169 00:10:46,305 --> 00:10:50,241 Ah, another first-timer. Can I get you a table, baby face? 170 00:10:50,342 --> 00:10:52,469 [Chuckles] No, thank you. I won't be staying long. 171 00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:54,637 I'm just here on a mission, as it were. 172 00:10:54,746 --> 00:10:57,874 Well, have fun. You look like you could use it. 173 00:10:57,983 --> 00:11:02,920 [Cheering, Applauding] 174 00:11:04,156 --> 00:11:07,091 B.J., I hate to interrupt you in mid-debauch... 175 00:11:07,192 --> 00:11:11,356 - but I'd like a word with you. - You're not going to tell me Potter is still looking for us? 176 00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:14,455 Pardon my French, but if the colonel notices his diminished ranks... 177 00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:18,161 - there's gonna be hell to pay. - You need a drink. Another beer here! 178 00:11:18,270 --> 00:11:21,364 This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen. 179 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,772 Father, we're hiding from the world, not Potter. 180 00:11:24,877 --> 00:11:28,313 And every extra minute away is pure gold. 181 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,711 Come on. Don't tarnish it. 182 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:34,377 [Sighs] Ah, well. I never could play the heavy. 183 00:11:35,954 --> 00:11:38,855 Ah, finally. A customer with money. 184 00:11:38,957 --> 00:11:41,585 I am looking for an indolent worm. 185 00:11:41,693 --> 00:11:45,652 - You won't find one in my kitchen. - [Laughs] Oh, no. 186 00:11:45,764 --> 00:11:48,096 Get out of my way, honey. 187 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,431 - Pierce! Pierce! - No, Charles, you may not cut in. 188 00:11:51,537 --> 00:11:54,404 You were to have relieved me as officer of the day over two hours ago. 189 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:57,566 Now I demand a full apology, even though I will never accept it. 190 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,701 Yeah, well, you can blow it out your bosko, Winchester... 191 00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:02,211 'cause I'm not apologizing, and I'm not taking O.D. Duty. 192 00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,782 If I say apologize, you will apo... 193 00:12:04,883 --> 00:12:07,477 - What do you mean you're not taking officer of the day? - Just what I said. 194 00:12:07,586 --> 00:12:11,044 None of your long-winded excuses, Pierce. You can't toy with me. 195 00:12:11,156 --> 00:12:14,956 Now either you take this badge immediately, or I will have you court-martialed so fast... 196 00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:17,995 - your vacuum-like head will spin. - Silence! 197 00:12:18,096 --> 00:12:20,155 Another word and I'll have you under citizen's arrest. 198 00:12:20,265 --> 00:12:22,460 - I am going to count to one. - That's the word. 199 00:12:22,568 --> 00:12:25,093 What are you doing... Pierce, what are you do... You are touching me! 200 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:28,366 - Pierce! [Indistinct] - Get this, will ya? 201 00:12:28,473 --> 00:12:31,408 - Pierce, let go! - You guys are gonna get yourselves in real trouble. 202 00:12:31,510 --> 00:12:35,105 - Look who's talking. - Let go of me, or you will never see your families again! 203 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:39,206 - [All Cheering] - [Charles] Ple-ease! 204 00:12:41,987 --> 00:12:45,423 - [Dice Rattling] - Okay, okay. Somethin' right's gotta happen here. 205 00:12:45,524 --> 00:12:47,754 - Hey, stay back. You're in my luck. - The point is six. 206 00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:49,486 - Oh, hello, everyone. - [Speaking Korean] 207 00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,426 No, no, don't worry, Cho. He's one of us. 208 00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:54,260 - Have a kneel, Father, while I try to thaw these dice. - Thank you. 209 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:57,631 - Okay, roll the bones, Klinger. - Come on. I need a six. 210 00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:00,967 - Baby needs a new girdle. Come on, six! - Come on, six! 211 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:04,042 - Seven! - Father, I gotta change my luck. 212 00:13:04,142 --> 00:13:06,042 Please, he won't fail you. 213 00:13:06,144 --> 00:13:08,510 Oh, Klinger. I don't like to call on him for this. 214 00:13:08,614 --> 00:13:10,741 I'll come to church. I promise. 215 00:13:10,849 --> 00:13:13,181 Oh, well, in that case. 216 00:13:13,285 --> 00:13:15,810 A new shooter. A holy roller! 217 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:18,253 - Okay, okay. Ten on the father. - You're covered. 218 00:13:18,357 --> 00:13:22,157 Come on, baby! The cardinal needs a new pair of red shoes. 219 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,490 And none of you are seeing this. 220 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,496 Hey! Craps! 221 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:30,261 - Snake eyes. You lose! - You must not live right, Father. 222 00:13:30,369 --> 00:13:33,236 - Klinger, maybe we should quit. - Quit? A Klinger never quits. 223 00:13:33,338 --> 00:13:35,704 Surrender or desert, yes. But quit? Never! 224 00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:38,640 - Besides, he's got all my Saturday night jewelry. - [Laughs] 225 00:13:38,744 --> 00:13:43,443 Major? Major, you gotta get up. 226 00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:48,416 Hey, Major. I know you're havin' a good time and everything... 227 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,045 but this is really important. 228 00:14:00,165 --> 00:14:02,065 [Sighs] 229 00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,431 Begging your pardon, Major, but you're really disgusting. 230 00:14:04,536 --> 00:14:06,697 Couldn't you find a livelier companion, Radar? 231 00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:09,273 We got a big problem here. I called H.Q. 232 00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:11,842 I had them check this guy out from here to Tokyo. 233 00:14:11,943 --> 00:14:13,934 And-And there's no record of him whatsoever. 234 00:14:14,046 --> 00:14:16,037 - Who'd want him in the first place? - He's not listed anywhere. 235 00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,173 As far as they're concerned, this guy doesn't even exist. 236 00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:20,217 - The army is always right. - Huh. 237 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,616 It's so refreshing to meet a man like you. 238 00:14:22,721 --> 00:14:25,383 - Oh, really? - Yes. 239 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,890 The only ones I get to meet lately are general officers... 240 00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:33,625 Real softies who hang their big potbellies over their dinner table and spout, "War is hell." 241 00:14:33,732 --> 00:14:36,792 [Laughs] How do I get a job like that? 242 00:14:36,902 --> 00:14:40,531 [Laughs] There's a real strength about you. 243 00:14:40,639 --> 00:14:42,539 I don't mean just the broad shoulders. 244 00:14:42,641 --> 00:14:45,633 It's a real force that's almost overpowering. 245 00:14:45,744 --> 00:14:50,044 - You're crushing my hand. - Oh. I'm sorry. 246 00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:54,250 So how long do you have before you rejoin your unit? 247 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:58,254 Margaret, I kinda like you except for one thing... You talk a little too much. 248 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,347 That's only because I'm so interested in you. 249 00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:03,053 Shh. 250 00:15:05,063 --> 00:15:07,899 You'll never make general. 251 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,501 Colonel potter.! What an honor. 252 00:15:10,602 --> 00:15:13,469 Let me clear out a few of these bums and get you a table. 253 00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:17,770 That's okay, Rosie. I just stopped by to see where my camp went. 254 00:15:20,145 --> 00:15:23,637 Pierce. What's going on here? I've been losing people all day. 255 00:15:23,749 --> 00:15:25,649 It's very simple, Colonel. We quit the war. 256 00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:28,219 Uh-huh. When you quit, you're supposed to give notice. 257 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,380 Oh, Colonel. I found Hawkeye. He's over at Rosie's. 258 00:15:31,490 --> 00:15:35,688 You two are deep in my doghouse. And where's that officer of the day? 259 00:15:35,794 --> 00:15:40,561 - Uh, over here. - He's fit to be tied. 260 00:15:40,665 --> 00:15:44,123 It was easy roping him, but it took six of us to get the gag in his mouth. 261 00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:47,672 - Where do you want him branded? - Why can't you three learn to play together? 262 00:15:47,773 --> 00:15:50,469 Okay, Winchester. 263 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:54,033 Colonel, l... [Gags, Clears Throat] 264 00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:58,048 I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere. 265 00:15:58,150 --> 00:16:00,050 I was taught the Golden Rule... 266 00:16:00,152 --> 00:16:03,519 and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it. 267 00:16:03,622 --> 00:16:08,025 However, in this case, I want these vermin hung! 268 00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:12,153 I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey.! 269 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,528 - Easy, Major. - I want them drawn and quartered... 270 00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,533 and I want the pieces arrested! 271 00:16:16,635 --> 00:16:18,967 Shush, Winchester. He's got a case. 272 00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:21,834 I have never been so humiliated in my life! 273 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:27,310 In between dances, they come over here and they... they sit on me! 274 00:16:27,412 --> 00:16:32,873 - Will you pipe down? - I demand you bring charges against all the people... 275 00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:36,010 Okay, Winchester. I'll take care of everything. You just relax. 276 00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:39,249 - You! Follow me. - Huh? 277 00:16:40,926 --> 00:16:44,293 Colonel, you can't spank us. Rosie doesn't have her woodshed. 278 00:16:44,396 --> 00:16:47,923 You know, as a commander, I let you two get away with a lot around here... 279 00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:49,933 even hog-tying a surgeon. 280 00:16:50,035 --> 00:16:55,234 But if I let you walk out on me and take the whole camp with you, there's nothing to command. 281 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,808 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to shut this wingding down. 282 00:16:57,909 --> 00:17:01,401 Look, Colonel, a lot of people in there haven't had a night like this in a long time. 283 00:17:01,513 --> 00:17:05,973 I know. I know a thing like this is needed. But I need something too... respect. 284 00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:08,678 It's supposed to come with the job and, besides, I've earned it. 285 00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,424 Colonel, there were a lot of things we meant to show our disrespect for... 286 00:17:14,526 --> 00:17:17,120 but unfortunately, you got caught in the rush. 287 00:17:17,229 --> 00:17:19,220 To put it another way... We're sorry. 288 00:17:20,532 --> 00:17:23,126 You think that helps, don't you? 289 00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:27,365 All right, cut Winchester loose. I'll tell him you were out of your heads. He'll believe that. 290 00:17:27,472 --> 00:17:29,736 - Appreciate it. - We'll remember this. 291 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:33,333 I doubt if tomorrow you'll remember anything. 292 00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:37,844 - Made it! - Pay the lucky lady. 293 00:17:37,949 --> 00:17:39,849 - Finally. - Congratulations, my son. 294 00:17:39,951 --> 00:17:42,215 - Cho, let it ride. - Let it ride. 295 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,847 Klinger, what's gotten into you? You made back a few dollars. Be happy with that. 296 00:17:45,957 --> 00:17:49,415 For the last time, white collar, leave players alone! 297 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,724 You keep threatening me, young man, and you'll be wearing those dice in your nose. 298 00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:55,800 - Ooh, Father. - Klinger, I don't trust these two. 299 00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:58,802 L-I haven't been able to catch them at it, but I know they're pulling something. 300 00:17:58,904 --> 00:18:00,872 They're clean. I thought they might be exchanging dice with the money... 301 00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:02,872 but I haven't seen nothin'. 302 00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,442 Look, my touch is coming back. They can't beat me now. 303 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:10,310 - Come on. Come on. Let's go. - Okay, okay. [Mouths Words] 304 00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:17,282 - Nine to make! - It's in the bag. It's in the bag. 305 00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:20,688 Nine, fellas, nine. Come on, nine! 306 00:18:20,792 --> 00:18:23,386 - A niner! - Pay the winner! 307 00:18:23,495 --> 00:18:26,828 Two in a row. I've never seen such luck! 308 00:18:26,932 --> 00:18:29,127 - You're short five, old-timer. - What? 309 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:32,226 Sorry. For an old pit boss... 310 00:18:32,337 --> 00:18:35,465 I'm sure lousy with numbers. 311 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,868 - Here you go, missus. - Surprise boys. 312 00:18:38,977 --> 00:18:42,310 - Let it ride again. - Let it ride! 313 00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:45,212 - Here we go! - Klinger, I'd like to talk to you. 314 00:18:45,317 --> 00:18:47,842 - Father, not now. I'm on a roll. - Um... Especially now! 315 00:18:47,953 --> 00:18:50,478 - Father! - There's something you should know. 316 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:50,722 - He's been like this for hours, Rosie. - Don't worry, Radar. 317 00:18:50,722 --> 00:18:53,623 - He's been like this for hours, Rosie. - Don't worry, Radar. 318 00:18:53,725 --> 00:18:56,057 Even if he's dead, my coffee will bring him back. 319 00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:59,255 - What's in it? - Just coffee, an egg and a little gunpowder. 320 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:01,992 - That's dangerous! - Yeah! 321 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,534 Now, you hold his nose. I'll pour it down. 322 00:19:04,636 --> 00:19:07,571 - He'll gag a lot, but don't mind. - Okay. 323 00:19:07,672 --> 00:19:09,833 This is for your own good, Major. 324 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:14,742 Oh, geez. I can't look. Ooh! Ooh! 325 00:19:14,846 --> 00:19:17,576 Oh, no. I told Hawkeye there'd be trouble. 326 00:19:17,682 --> 00:19:20,116 Oh, geez. They're probably here for Major Dorsett. 327 00:19:20,218 --> 00:19:23,847 They'll see this and think I should know something, but I don't know, so I'll get blamed. 328 00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:26,549 I'm sorry, sir. You're on your own. 329 00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:34,159 - Excuse me, fellas. - Where do you think you're going, Corporal? 330 00:19:34,265 --> 00:19:36,631 Who, me? I'm just going back to the camp. 331 00:19:36,735 --> 00:19:39,499 I, uh... I just came over here for a couple of bottles of booze. 332 00:19:39,604 --> 00:19:42,630 You know, west my whittle... wet my whistle. 333 00:19:42,741 --> 00:19:47,144 - Uh-huh. What else? - Oh, look. I don't even know him! Geez! 334 00:19:47,245 --> 00:19:50,681 I'm not even the one that found him! He was asleep. I tried to wake the major up... 335 00:19:50,782 --> 00:19:52,807 and he wouldn't be... up. 336 00:19:52,917 --> 00:19:56,216 - Sit over there and write the whole thing out. - Right. I'll write. 337 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,881 Jordan, start checking through the crowd. 338 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:02,619 - I wonder what they're looking for. - Probably me. 339 00:20:02,727 --> 00:20:04,786 What? Why? 340 00:20:04,896 --> 00:20:07,592 I'm AWOL. I walked off the line this morning. 341 00:20:07,699 --> 00:20:12,068 - You deserted? You? - I hope that doesn't make a difference. 342 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:15,901 - Uh, excuse me. What are you guys doing? - Looking for an AWOL. 343 00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:19,204 Oh, uh, yeah. Well, I'm... I'm your man. I'm the AWOL. 344 00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:21,904 It's all a misunderstanding. I don't own a watch. 345 00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:24,846 - You don't fit the description. - Of course not, I'm wearing a disguise. 346 00:20:24,949 --> 00:20:28,510 I mean, I know the face looks like I just threw it on, but it's the best I could do. 347 00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:33,148 - Oh, a joker. - You're making a big mistake. I'm wanted in three other wars. 348 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,259 Could I see some I.D., Sarge? 349 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:39,592 Uh, sorry. I don't have any. It just gets me in trouble. 350 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,597 Maybe you'd better come with me. 351 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,667 [Cho] It's a friendly game.! 352 00:20:44,769 --> 00:20:46,999 [Men Shouting] 353 00:20:47,105 --> 00:20:51,906 I'll kill you guys! Nobody cheats me and gets away with it! 354 00:20:52,010 --> 00:20:54,001 - [Glass Breaking] - Nice move. 355 00:20:54,112 --> 00:20:57,741 - [Grunts] - Fight.! Fight.! 356 00:20:57,849 --> 00:21:01,910 Oh, my Lord! Stop! Stop this, please! 357 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,614 - You're all setting a bad example! - Aaah! 358 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:08,283 - [Fighting Continues] - [Woman Screams] 359 00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:11,556 - Somebody should stop this. - What are you girls waiting for? Get out there! 360 00:21:11,663 --> 00:21:13,563 Incoming! 361 00:21:13,665 --> 00:21:17,999 - [Man Yelling] - [Punches Being Thrown] 362 00:21:18,103 --> 00:21:20,367 All right! Which one of you guys threw this wood? 363 00:21:20,472 --> 00:21:24,067 - [Punch Being Thrown] - Serves you right! 364 00:21:24,175 --> 00:21:26,166 - Get off me! - [Groans] 365 00:21:26,277 --> 00:21:28,404 - Thanks. - You bet. 366 00:21:28,513 --> 00:21:31,414 Come on! Once the fight clears up, they're gonna take you in. 367 00:21:31,516 --> 00:21:34,178 - Margaret! You're on my side. - I just don't wanna see you get in any trouble. 368 00:21:34,285 --> 00:21:37,186 Go on. Go back to your unit. Tell 'em you got lost in the battle. 369 00:21:37,288 --> 00:21:39,347 That's not the point. I'm sick of the war! 370 00:21:39,457 --> 00:21:41,425 Who isn't? Jack, we have no time to argue. 371 00:21:41,526 --> 00:21:44,586 - Now come on, for heaven's sake. Don't be a fool. Go. Now. - Okay, Margaret. 372 00:21:44,696 --> 00:21:46,755 But don't be surprised if I show up on your doorstep again. 373 00:21:46,865 --> 00:21:49,663 - I've grown a little fond of this place. - Anytime. 374 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:51,667 [Fighting Continues] 375 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:55,170 Hey, baby! How 'bout a little kiss for me? 376 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:58,242 - Ooh! - [Crashes] 377 00:21:58,343 --> 00:22:01,005 Gimme the money! Give me the money! Here. Hold this. 378 00:22:02,113 --> 00:22:04,343 [Grunting] 379 00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:06,974 - [Laughing] - Come on. Come on. Come on. Gimme that. 380 00:22:07,085 --> 00:22:09,713 Ahh. There it is! 381 00:22:09,821 --> 00:22:12,415 Okay, guys. Where's the dice? I'm rarin' to play. 382 00:22:14,392 --> 00:22:16,792 Boy! What a night! 383 00:22:21,666 --> 00:22:26,501 [Rooster Crowing] 384 00:22:26,604 --> 00:22:30,802 [Groans] Oh. Oh. 385 00:22:30,909 --> 00:22:34,970 - What time is it? - About a half past the 20th century. 386 00:22:35,079 --> 00:22:38,139 We gotta get back. I got duty in post-op this afternoon. 387 00:22:38,249 --> 00:22:40,342 Yeah, we'll probably gonna start getting casualties soon. 388 00:22:40,451 --> 00:22:42,578 - It's been too quiet around here. - [Dog Barking] 389 00:22:42,687 --> 00:22:45,247 Good night, Rosie. Thanks for a great time. 390 00:22:45,356 --> 00:22:49,224 - Get lost already. - Could somebody call me a cab? 391 00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:51,295 What's that? 392 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:57,195 - [Object Falls To Ground] - L-I've gotta grab a cab fast. 393 00:22:57,302 --> 00:23:02,433 Uh... I've got a meeting at Pearl Harbor in an half... half an hour. 394 00:23:02,540 --> 00:23:06,135 - He's alive. - Hey. 395 00:23:06,244 --> 00:23:09,270 This isn't the Halekulani. Where am I? 396 00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:13,476 - Where do you think you are? - Honolulu. I'm stationed over at Schofield. 397 00:23:13,585 --> 00:23:16,145 - I don't think you're gonna make your meeting. - You're in Korea. 398 00:23:16,254 --> 00:23:18,154 Korea? 399 00:23:18,256 --> 00:23:21,350 Wow. They really took me seriously. 400 00:23:21,459 --> 00:23:23,757 - What? - I was sitting with some of my friends... 401 00:23:23,861 --> 00:23:26,056 and we were toasting July 4. 402 00:23:26,164 --> 00:23:29,793 And I was saying how I'd like to join the fun in Korea. 403 00:23:29,901 --> 00:23:31,835 They must've stuck me on a transport. 404 00:23:31,936 --> 00:23:34,666 Why would anybody need to get drunk in Hawaii? 405 00:23:34,772 --> 00:23:36,797 Come on. 406 00:23:36,908 --> 00:23:39,206 As long as you're here, we'll show you some of the fun. 407 00:23:39,310 --> 00:23:42,279 Then you'll really need a drink. 408 00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:45,315 By the way, it's notJuly 4. It's about August 10. 409 00:23:45,416 --> 00:23:48,579 Well, what do you know? I've been plastered for five weeks. 410 00:23:48,686 --> 00:23:51,450 - That's a new record. - In Honolulu maybe, but not here.