1 00:00:54,347 --> 00:00:56,781 [O.R. Chatter] 2 00:00:56,883 --> 00:00:58,783 More suction. 3 00:00:58,885 --> 00:01:01,183 Margaret, hemostat. 4 00:01:01,287 --> 00:01:03,551 - Hemostat. - [Exhales] 5 00:01:03,656 --> 00:01:07,023 - Your hemostat, Doctor. - Huh? Oh. 6 00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:09,993 After 18 hours in here, the patient is more coherent than I am. 7 00:01:10,096 --> 00:01:12,257 Hawk, I'm gettin' drowsy. Turn that radio back on, will ya? 8 00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:17,462 Certainly. Click. [Singing] 9 00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:22,098 - Could we get another station, please? - Better still, yank the plug. 10 00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:24,608 All right, all right, all right. [Imitates Telegraph Beeping] 11 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,974 Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Ship and all the Americans at sea. 12 00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:31,607 Flash... Korea. The U.S. Army has just declared sleep off limits to all surgeons. 13 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:34,413 As a result, heads will be worn lighter this winter. 14 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,580 And now stay tuned for Burns and Allen over most of this same mouth. 15 00:01:37,690 --> 00:01:39,658 [Potter] Say good night, Gracie. 16 00:01:39,759 --> 00:01:43,559 - [Mulcahy] Who ordered the liver? - This table, waiter. 17 00:01:43,663 --> 00:01:45,790 You sure that's a liver? Looks like Illinois to me. 18 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:49,026 Father, how many more poor unfortunates have we out there? 19 00:01:49,135 --> 00:01:53,401 - In round figures, too many. - What were these guys doing, runnin' around in circles? 20 00:01:53,506 --> 00:01:56,942 - I've got entry wounds comin' from three different angles. - It was a duck shoot. 21 00:01:57,043 --> 00:01:59,170 It seems when the order to retreat came down... 22 00:01:59,278 --> 00:02:03,305 one battalion commander decided his men should stay and fight a little longer. 23 00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:05,441 - Oh, yeah. That's Colonel, uh... - Lacy. 24 00:02:05,551 --> 00:02:08,179 - Bingo. - He's become our chief supplier. 25 00:02:08,287 --> 00:02:09,879 Well, why not? He deals strictly wholesale. 26 00:02:09,989 --> 00:02:11,957 Lacy has the highest casualty rate... 27 00:02:12,058 --> 00:02:14,549 of any battalion commander in this sector. 28 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:18,323 H.Q. Calls that "aggressive." I call it damn reckless. 29 00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:20,626 Whatever you call it, I'm sick of sewing it back together. 30 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,132 What kind of day did I have at the office, Radar? 31 00:02:23,235 --> 00:02:26,602 Uh, sir, while you were in the O.R., you took care of the strength report... 32 00:02:26,706 --> 00:02:30,665 completed the DD-5, uh, series "A" through "C," and you ordered a new autoclave. 33 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,472 It's amazing how much I can get done without even showing up. 34 00:02:33,579 --> 00:02:36,013 - Thank you, son. - Oh, uh, yes, sir. There's one other thing. 35 00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:38,174 When you were reachin' for the phone... 36 00:02:38,284 --> 00:02:40,809 - you knocked over your wife's picture and you broke the glass. - It's okay. 37 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:45,584 - I'm sure I didn't mean to. - Yeah, I know. 38 00:02:45,691 --> 00:02:50,321 - Hey! - Ungowa! Ungowa. Moo goo gai pan. 39 00:02:50,429 --> 00:02:54,058 Hear me, oh spirit of darkness. That's the guy. 40 00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:58,262 - Klinger, I'm pooped. - Ah, it's working already. 41 00:02:58,371 --> 00:03:01,169 - All right, I'll bite. What's working? - My voodoo. 42 00:03:01,273 --> 00:03:03,366 - You do voodoo? - Ungowa. 43 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:06,377 - [Gibberish] - Hey, come on! 44 00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:08,913 Colonel, Colonel, I've tried chicanery... 45 00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:11,643 malingering and endless flimflammery to get out of here. 46 00:03:11,751 --> 00:03:13,810 Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy. 47 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,353 I'm pulling out the heavy artillery. 48 00:03:16,455 --> 00:03:18,582 Boo-la, boo-la! Chicken gumbo! 49 00:03:18,691 --> 00:03:21,558 - Get away! - Boy, that better not be one of mine. 50 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,787 - No, no. I got that from the cook. - Oh. 51 00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:26,558 Colonel, I'm gonna put such a curse on you... 52 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:30,101 you'll be on your knees begging me to accept a Section Eight. 53 00:03:30,202 --> 00:03:32,602 - Uh-huh. - Oh, and if that don't do it, sir... 54 00:03:32,705 --> 00:03:35,731 [Chuckles] I'll be forced to use this! 55 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:40,642 - Oh, come on, Klinger. Cut out the weird stuff. - I presume that's a little me? 56 00:03:40,746 --> 00:03:43,613 It ain't Mickey Rooney. Now, you know how this works, don't you, sir? 57 00:03:43,716 --> 00:03:46,844 Every day another pin. 58 00:03:46,952 --> 00:03:51,719 - Every day another pain. - Stick it, swami. 59 00:03:51,824 --> 00:03:56,022 - You're living on borrowed time. - Come on! You can't talk to the colonel like that. 60 00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:59,325 And you stay out of it, or the teddy bear gets it next! 61 00:03:59,432 --> 00:04:01,662 - Good morning, Father. - Father. 62 00:04:03,102 --> 00:04:06,765 - Looks like you'll have a full house Sunday. - I expect so. 63 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:09,397 I usually do after a big battle. 64 00:04:09,508 --> 00:04:12,602 Out there, when the fighting is fiercest... 65 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,839 a lot of silent promises get made. 66 00:04:15,948 --> 00:04:19,645 [Hawkeye] Corporal North. What a coincidence. We're both from the same blood type. 67 00:04:19,752 --> 00:04:23,188 Oh, skip the balloon juice, Doc. Is this one gonna send me home? 68 00:04:23,289 --> 00:04:25,519 I never know how to break news like this, but you're in good shape. 69 00:04:25,624 --> 00:04:29,685 Damn. They're gonna ship me right back to that maniac. 70 00:04:29,795 --> 00:04:32,958 Wait, let me guess... the lovely and talented Colonel Lacy. 71 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:37,627 Doc, I swear, if they ship me back to that unit, I'll kill him. 72 00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,762 - Well, not right away. You need some rest first. - [Horn Honking] 73 00:04:40,873 --> 00:04:43,865 - And don't expect to get any here. - [Honking Continues] 74 00:04:43,976 --> 00:04:47,468 - Honk all you want. We're not moving this hospital. - Who is that idiot? 75 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:51,448 - [Mulcahy] I've never seen him before. - [Margaret] Or anyone like him. 76 00:04:51,550 --> 00:04:54,280 Back up, Margaret. Your hot breath is fogging the window. 77 00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:02,551 Colonel Lacy, 163rd. Infantry. Combat. 78 00:05:02,661 --> 00:05:06,188 Yeah, uh, O'Reilly, 4077 th. Clerk. Company. 79 00:05:06,298 --> 00:05:10,667 - Well, just the man I want to see. - Thank you, sir. Why? 80 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,135 You run this outfit, don't you? 81 00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:17,107 - Oh, no, sir. We have a colonel that does that. - Well, on paper, maybe. 82 00:05:17,209 --> 00:05:20,838 I've never seen the unit yet where the company clerk wasn't the real man in charge. 83 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:24,313 Oh, yeah? Oh, well, yeah. 84 00:05:24,416 --> 00:05:28,079 O'Reilly, I've got some men laid up here. 85 00:05:28,187 --> 00:05:30,382 I wonder if it'd be possible for me to visit 'em. 86 00:05:30,489 --> 00:05:34,255 Oh, I don't know, sir. I have to check with the doctors. 87 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:39,525 - Oh, I see. Hmm. - Oh, wait a minute. Well, no. I can help you out. 88 00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:43,693 - Much appreciated. - Yeah. We'll-We'll go right through my headquarters here. 89 00:05:47,339 --> 00:05:49,239 Oh, Colonel? 90 00:05:49,341 --> 00:05:52,936 Perhaps you might be interested. Uh, this is our communication center here. 91 00:05:53,045 --> 00:05:56,742 From here I can contact anyplace in Korea or every elsewhere. 92 00:05:56,849 --> 00:05:59,682 You do that, son. Now, where'd you say my men were? 93 00:05:59,785 --> 00:06:02,777 Oh, Colonel Potter, I'd like you to meet Colonel Lacy. 94 00:06:02,888 --> 00:06:05,083 - Nice to meet you. - Colonel Lacy, this is Colonel Potter. 95 00:06:05,191 --> 00:06:07,557 - Heard a lot about you, Lacy. - He's here to see his men. 96 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:10,925 Well, all good, I hope, Colonel. Fact is, I could say the same for you. 97 00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:15,091 I was just, uh, briefly briefing the colonel about the inner workings of communications. 98 00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:18,637 Yeah, Radar, listen. My desk drawer's stuck again. Fix it, will ya? 99 00:06:18,737 --> 00:06:21,331 Yes. Uh, yes, I will, sir. Right away. 100 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,568 - Uh, Colonel, he'll take over for now, but if you need me... - Radar. 101 00:06:24,677 --> 00:06:26,645 I'll be gone. 102 00:06:29,815 --> 00:06:32,113 You know, I've done a little homework on your unit, Colonel. 103 00:06:32,218 --> 00:06:35,585 Ninety-seven percent survival rate. That's a very impressive statistic. 104 00:06:35,688 --> 00:06:38,350 It's nothing compared to the casualty rate. 105 00:06:38,457 --> 00:06:41,324 Post-op is right this way. 106 00:06:45,731 --> 00:06:50,065 This is the saddest part of war... the cost. 107 00:06:50,169 --> 00:06:54,663 - Good morning, Colonel Potter. - Colonel Lacy, Major Houlihan, our head nurse. 108 00:06:54,773 --> 00:06:56,968 So you're Colonel Lacy? 109 00:06:57,076 --> 00:07:00,603 - And you're the head nurse. I'm surprised. - At what? 110 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:05,810 - To find someone so young in such a responsible position. - I do my best. 111 00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:09,945 Colonel Lacy, Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt, two of our surgeons. 112 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:12,751 - Doctors, it's an honor. - The pleasure's all yours. 113 00:07:12,858 --> 00:07:15,486 Nice to meet you. Take a look around and see what you've done. 114 00:07:15,594 --> 00:07:18,586 - Colonel, I'd like to visit with my men. - Of course. 115 00:07:18,697 --> 00:07:20,665 Psst. 116 00:07:25,304 --> 00:07:28,603 Do me a favor. As long as he's here, lay off. 117 00:07:28,707 --> 00:07:31,005 - Yes. - That goes for you too. 118 00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:34,978 Hello, North. They treating you all right? 119 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,980 North? 120 00:07:40,986 --> 00:07:43,682 I understand, son. You just get better. 121 00:07:47,559 --> 00:07:50,323 [Clears Throat] Men, I, uh... 122 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:55,059 I would like to visit with each one of you personally, but there isn't enough time. 123 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:59,069 I want you to know I'm proud of you. The battalion is proud of you. 124 00:07:59,171 --> 00:08:02,971 One other thing. Your performance over the last few days... 125 00:08:03,075 --> 00:08:06,738 has given me the confidence to submit a plan to "l" Corps... 126 00:08:06,845 --> 00:08:10,440 a plan for our battalion to spearhead a counteroffensive up Hill 403. 127 00:08:10,549 --> 00:08:14,315 And this time, men, we are going to take it. 128 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:19,253 I know your good wishes go with us. 129 00:08:19,358 --> 00:08:21,383 God bless you. 130 00:08:21,493 --> 00:08:23,461 And thanks. 131 00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:27,791 Thanks to all of you. 132 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,334 Impressive. Disgusting but impressive. 133 00:08:30,436 --> 00:08:32,529 Colonel, you left out a lot of good stuff. 134 00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:35,038 What about "Into the valley of Death" or "Remember the Alamo"... 135 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,131 or the ever-popular "Damn the torpedoes"? 136 00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:41,144 Doctor, why don't you just take care of these brave men? 137 00:08:41,246 --> 00:08:44,181 "I have not yet begun to fight." 138 00:08:44,283 --> 00:08:46,513 Colonel, before you go. 139 00:08:47,686 --> 00:08:51,383 I've been in this man's army 30-odd years. 140 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:54,254 I've never said this to a line officer before. 141 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,262 I wonder if you aren't being a little careless with your men. 142 00:08:58,364 --> 00:09:03,165 Are you aware you have the highest casualty rate of any battalion commander? 143 00:09:03,268 --> 00:09:05,759 Why don't you try pulling back a little? 144 00:09:05,871 --> 00:09:08,203 You trying to put me out of my job, Colonel? 145 00:09:08,307 --> 00:09:12,243 No. I guess I'm just trying to get you to put me out of mine. 146 00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:17,714 What kind of a diet is this? Biscuits, gravy, rice, potatoes. 147 00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:21,843 Evidently they expect us to starch our uniforms from the inside out. 148 00:09:21,954 --> 00:09:26,084 Where are the... Hello? Where are the green vegetables? 149 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:29,092 The cook had some spinach, but the rats got to it. 150 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,061 They left a little if you want some. 151 00:09:32,164 --> 00:09:36,794 Corporal, uh... Private, you have ruined my appetite... 152 00:09:36,902 --> 00:09:39,996 And I am grateful. 153 00:09:49,348 --> 00:09:52,613 Oh, Major. I've been looking for you. 154 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,278 I'd consider it an honor if you'd allow me to join you for lunch. 155 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:58,015 - Oh, my pleasure. - Thank you. 156 00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:02,988 By the way, uh, the talk you gave in post-op... 157 00:10:03,095 --> 00:10:05,154 I was very moved. 158 00:10:05,264 --> 00:10:09,360 Hill 403 is very important. It's a treacherous piece of ground. 159 00:10:09,468 --> 00:10:14,633 - It'll be risky, but anything worthwhile always is, isn't it? - How risky? 160 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:19,803 There'll be a lot of casualties, but with luck, we can keep the rate down to 20 or 30%. 161 00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:22,039 - Twenty or 30%? - Right. 162 00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:25,275 - Uh, you know, a plan... - That's at least a hundred men. 163 00:10:25,384 --> 00:10:30,754 Approximately, yeah. A plan was used in the battle of Monte Casino. 164 00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:33,347 - You see, the Germans... - That's three men out of every 10. 165 00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:37,725 - Has "l" Corps approved this? - Oh, not yet, but I'll... I'll sell it to 'em. 166 00:10:37,830 --> 00:10:41,391 I've wanted that hill for a long time. By God, this time I'm gonna have it. 167 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,992 - What makes the hill so important? - Well, getting it. 168 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,367 At any rate, the Germans were dug in... 169 00:10:47,473 --> 00:10:49,600 - and we knew we were in for it... - Excuse me. 170 00:10:49,708 --> 00:10:53,644 - I forgot to wash up. - Of course. 171 00:10:53,745 --> 00:10:56,873 Crowded in here today. Standing retch only. 172 00:10:56,982 --> 00:10:58,950 Gentlemen, please sit down. 173 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:10,424 All right, fellas. What is it? 174 00:11:10,529 --> 00:11:12,656 Let's, uh, clear the air. 175 00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:15,528 For some reason you seem to resent me. I want to know why. 176 00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,534 Colonel, we're just trying to force down a meal here. 177 00:11:17,636 --> 00:11:20,366 Okay, I've got a high casualty rate. I know that. 178 00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,498 Somehow you fellas seem to think I don't care. 179 00:11:23,609 --> 00:11:26,442 Well, let me tell you something. 180 00:11:26,545 --> 00:11:30,811 When I saw them lying in there, my own men... 181 00:11:30,916 --> 00:11:35,319 I'm not ashamed to admit it, no, sir... I felt a real lump in my throat. 182 00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:38,082 - That lump was in your head. - I beg your pardon? 183 00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,522 - Don't do it, Hawk. - Maybe you can beguile a bunch of innocent kids... 184 00:11:40,626 --> 00:11:43,390 with that righteous claptrap, but don't pull it on me. 185 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:46,555 You're a dangerous man, Lacy. You love this... 186 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:51,432 the stirring speeches, the strategy, the execution with a capital "E." 187 00:11:51,537 --> 00:11:54,097 It's all one big, bloody game to you. Then when they're carrying... 188 00:11:54,206 --> 00:11:56,697 the wounded players off the field, you become the cheerleader. 189 00:11:56,808 --> 00:11:59,072 - You make me sick. - You did it. 190 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:03,876 I should chew your tail out, Doctor. But I'm not. 191 00:12:03,982 --> 00:12:07,509 Besides, it's not you speaking, it's fatigue. 192 00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:10,952 You're worn thin. I know. I deal with it every day. 193 00:12:11,056 --> 00:12:15,049 Let me give you a prescription, Doc... a week's R & R. 194 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,459 In fact, I'll recommend it to Colonel Potter, if you like. 195 00:12:24,002 --> 00:12:27,768 He's ice. How do you get to a guy like that? 196 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:32,071 Simple. You hold him down and drive a peace treaty through his heart. 197 00:12:34,513 --> 00:12:38,449 Therefore, I firmly believe that Lieutenant Colonel Lacy's record... 198 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:43,647 should be reviewed with the possibility of reassigning him to a noncombat position. 199 00:12:43,755 --> 00:12:46,019 - You got all that, Radar? - Uh, all the words, sir. 200 00:12:46,124 --> 00:12:48,854 - Later I'll put 'em in the right order. - Be sure you do. 201 00:12:48,961 --> 00:12:53,421 - Kindest regards. Sincerely, Col. Sherman blah, blah, blah. - Blah, blah, blah. 202 00:12:53,532 --> 00:12:57,093 Right. Um, uh, Colonel, can I ask a question? 203 00:12:57,202 --> 00:13:00,069 - What can't you spell? - Uh, no, sir. 204 00:13:00,172 --> 00:13:03,266 Uh, sir, I know you wrote this and everything... 205 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:06,503 - but do you really mean all this about Colonel Lacy? - It's true. 206 00:13:06,612 --> 00:13:10,104 He's really this bad? I mean, he seemed kind of nice to me. 207 00:13:10,215 --> 00:13:14,675 - Put the pencil down, son. - I knew I should've just said nothing. 208 00:13:14,786 --> 00:13:19,689 I know I've never dictated a letter like this before. That's because I didn't have to. 209 00:13:19,791 --> 00:13:24,251 But I've thought this out very carefully, and I mean every word. 210 00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:27,298 - Now, do you understand? - Oh, yes, sir. 211 00:13:27,399 --> 00:13:30,800 But it's just that l... He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who could do all this bad. 212 00:13:30,902 --> 00:13:33,097 People aren't always what they seem, Radar. 213 00:13:33,205 --> 00:13:36,766 Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand... 214 00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:39,036 it's because he's got something up his sleeve. 215 00:13:41,179 --> 00:13:44,046 I guess the more I learn about Colonel Lacy, the less I like him. 216 00:13:44,149 --> 00:13:48,609 - [Klinger Chanting Gibberish] - Send in the boogie-woogie bugle beak. 217 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,688 He wants to talk to you. 218 00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:52,814 - Foo-raka-saki. - Same to you. 219 00:13:52,924 --> 00:13:55,051 Now, listen, Klinger. I've had enough of this. 220 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:59,392 - Chuck-a, chuck-a, floy-doy. - So help me, you give one more doy-floy... 221 00:13:59,498 --> 00:14:01,159 - Floy-doy. - Do you hear me? 222 00:14:01,266 --> 00:14:03,996 - I'm in a trance. - All right. That's it. 223 00:14:04,102 --> 00:14:07,663 - I'm telling the spirits to put your soul in a half-nelson. - Klinger, you want a curse? 224 00:14:07,773 --> 00:14:10,298 I'll give you a curse. You've got guard duty and K. P... 225 00:14:10,409 --> 00:14:12,741 - till further notice, starting right now. - Aw, sir... 226 00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,971 - Boogie-woogie! - I'm going, I'm going! 227 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,207 How come when you say it, it works? 228 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,409 Because my bird is more powerful than your bird. 229 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,456 - Good evening, men. - The iceman cometh. 230 00:14:25,557 --> 00:14:27,855 Visiting hours are over, Colonel. 231 00:14:27,959 --> 00:14:32,225 - I've got a little something for the men to cheer them up. - Your resignation? 232 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,798 No, their decorations came in. May I? 233 00:14:39,371 --> 00:14:41,339 - Corporal North. - Keep it. 234 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,307 - Pardon me? - I don't want it. 235 00:14:44,409 --> 00:14:46,570 - It's your Purple Heart, son. - I know what it is. 236 00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:49,772 - You just keep it as a reminder. - Now, listen... 237 00:14:49,881 --> 00:14:52,748 I don't want anything from you! 238 00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:56,617 All right, son. You feel bitter now, and that's understandable. 239 00:14:56,722 --> 00:15:01,091 But later, when you've changed your mind, I'll still have it for you. 240 00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:03,093 - I'm gonna throw him out of here. - No, wait a minute. 241 00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:06,028 Let him say his piece, then I'll throw him out. 242 00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:10,363 Well, McAvoy. 243 00:15:10,469 --> 00:15:13,461 I thought you might like to have this while you were still here. 244 00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:15,540 It's your Purple Heart. 245 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,768 - Listen, I just want you to know how proud l... - [Wheezes] 246 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,607 What's wrong, son? Doctor! Doctor! 247 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,840 Get out of the way! 248 00:15:26,084 --> 00:15:28,211 - Faint pulse, very erratic. - What's wrong with him? 249 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,754 Irregular heartbeat. Bicarb solution. 250 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:34,117 - He was just looking at me. - Bicarb, Doctor. 251 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:37,559 - Out of the way, Colonel. - Keep quiet for once, will ya? Just shut up! 252 00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:40,096 Now, just a damn minute. You can't talk to me that way! 253 00:15:40,198 --> 00:15:42,894 - You've gotta pull him through. - Yeah, just for you, right? 254 00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:45,902 - Come on, come on. Smooth it out. - Make it, son. 255 00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:49,872 - [Quietly] Make it. Make it. - No pulse. 256 00:15:49,975 --> 00:15:52,739 - Get out of the way. I'm gonna beat the daylights into him. - Here. 257 00:15:52,844 --> 00:15:57,247 - Uh! - Listen to this. Come on, come on. 258 00:15:57,349 --> 00:16:00,682 - No. - Colonel Lacy, Headquarters on the phone for you, sir. 259 00:16:00,786 --> 00:16:04,244 - General Higgins. - Higgins? Well, that's my ticket. I'll be right back. 260 00:16:04,356 --> 00:16:07,848 - Anything I can do, sirs? - Yeah. Keep him out of here. 261 00:16:07,959 --> 00:16:09,927 Adrenaline, Doctor. 262 00:16:17,068 --> 00:16:20,697 - Keep pushing, Hawk. - Come on, McAvoy. I'm getting tired. 263 00:16:23,141 --> 00:16:25,132 Try... Listen. Listen to this. 264 00:16:25,243 --> 00:16:28,371 - I'm getting a pulse. - He's breathing on his own now. 265 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,744 Pulse regular. 266 00:16:30,849 --> 00:16:33,317 - Good fight, Hawk. - I thought he had me in the third round. 267 00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:37,149 General, I know it seems impregnable, but it's not. 268 00:16:37,255 --> 00:16:40,486 But this time we can take it. Just give me one last chance. 269 00:16:43,028 --> 00:16:47,055 Damn it, General. You cannot take that hill away from me. It's mine. I earned it. 270 00:16:50,001 --> 00:16:52,492 All right. 271 00:16:52,604 --> 00:16:55,732 No, of course not, General. I understand. L... 272 00:16:55,841 --> 00:16:58,139 I was just hoping I could convince you. 273 00:17:00,078 --> 00:17:01,978 Good-bye, sir. 274 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,277 - Tough luck. - Well, don't feel bad. 275 00:17:05,383 --> 00:17:07,647 Maybe you'll get ambushed on the way home. 276 00:17:08,854 --> 00:17:11,550 No problem. I'll, uh... I'll get up there yet. 277 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,749 You gonna defy orders? 278 00:17:13,859 --> 00:17:16,054 Of course not. 279 00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:20,063 I'm a soldier. I don't defy orders. 280 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:24,829 The general ordered me not to launch an offensive. I don't intend to. 281 00:17:26,204 --> 00:17:28,968 But I still have to send out reconnaissance... 282 00:17:29,074 --> 00:17:31,338 and patrols usually draw fire. 283 00:17:31,443 --> 00:17:34,674 And once the bullets start flying, nobody knows who started what. 284 00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:38,715 - I don't believe him. - You know something, Colonel? You're a heck of a guy. 285 00:17:38,817 --> 00:17:41,718 - You have to admire a man who won't take no for an order. - I don't believe you. 286 00:17:41,820 --> 00:17:45,654 I mean it, really. I'm... [Chuckles] I underestimated you. 287 00:17:45,757 --> 00:17:47,392 Forget it. Listen, how 'bout I buy you a drink? 288 00:17:47,392 --> 00:17:48,825 Forget it. Listen, how 'bout I buy you a drink? 289 00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:51,293 - Well, actually, I was thinking of buying you one. - Wait a minute. 290 00:17:51,396 --> 00:17:53,455 - You're gonna buy him a drink? - Yeah. No, really. 291 00:17:53,565 --> 00:17:56,033 I thought we'd go back to the Swamp, and, you know, sit around and relax... 292 00:17:56,134 --> 00:18:01,071 and, uh, you could talk with the colonel while I, you know, mix the drinks. 293 00:18:01,172 --> 00:18:03,970 - I talk to the colonel. - Yeah, you know, while l... while I mix the drinks. 294 00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,407 - Hmm? Hey, come on. - Sure. Who knows? It might be fun. 295 00:18:06,511 --> 00:18:08,877 We'll have a great time. After you, sir. 296 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:11,210 By the way, Colonel, McAvoy... he made it. 297 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:14,479 - Who? - McAvoy, the kid inside. He's all right. 298 00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:18,386 Oh, McAvoy. Listen, that was good work. That was good work. 299 00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:21,459 [Chuckles] We're gonna have a great time. 300 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:25,017 - Who's ready for round two? - [BJ.] Besides me. 301 00:18:25,130 --> 00:18:28,964 Well, maybe one more, just to settle my stomach. 302 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,001 Oh, you have a problem with your stomach? 303 00:18:31,102 --> 00:18:33,229 Ah, it's probably the lousy chow here. 304 00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:35,306 It can't be that. Our food kills instantly. 305 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:38,774 Mm-hmm. Nice and dry. 306 00:18:40,278 --> 00:18:43,111 - Just like the last one. - Oh, thank you. 307 00:18:43,214 --> 00:18:45,705 - Let me get that, Colonel. - Thanks, gentlemen. 308 00:18:45,817 --> 00:18:48,308 - One for me and one for you. - Mm-hmm. 309 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,753 You know, we're really not so far apart. 310 00:18:51,856 --> 00:18:53,983 Right. Opposite sides of the same fence. 311 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,788 No, he's got a point. We're all in the same business. 312 00:18:56,895 --> 00:19:00,387 As surgeons, we'll sacrifice some tissue in order to save the whole body. 313 00:19:00,498 --> 00:19:05,128 You'll sacrifice a few men in order to, uh... to, uh... 314 00:19:05,236 --> 00:19:07,636 - What is it you get out of that again? - A hill. 315 00:19:07,739 --> 00:19:10,970 - You know, a rock. - Oh, yeah, right. See? We're practically the same. 316 00:19:11,076 --> 00:19:13,203 Ooh! Oh, boy. That smarts. 317 00:19:13,311 --> 00:19:15,370 - Your stomach again? - Yeah. 318 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,142 Hmm. Let me see. 319 00:19:18,249 --> 00:19:20,376 - Where does that hurt? Here? - Ooh! 320 00:19:20,485 --> 00:19:22,385 - There. - Oh, boy. 321 00:19:22,487 --> 00:19:24,785 Bad case of gastritis. Probably lay you up a couple of days. 322 00:19:24,889 --> 00:19:27,824 - Have you ever had your appendix out? - No. 323 00:19:27,926 --> 00:19:29,951 - [BJ.] Appendix? - Yeah, acute appendicitis. 324 00:19:30,061 --> 00:19:32,154 - That could keep you out for a week or two. - Two weeks? 325 00:19:32,263 --> 00:19:35,061 They'll take me off the line. I'll... [Groans] lose my battalion. 326 00:19:35,166 --> 00:19:37,964 - Definitely your appendix. - Wait a minute. 327 00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:40,333 You want to open him up and take out his appendix? 328 00:19:40,438 --> 00:19:43,407 Well, I could reach down his throat and get it, but that would be another two weeks. 329 00:19:43,508 --> 00:19:45,976 - Oh! - Oh, gee whiz. That sounds bad. 330 00:19:46,077 --> 00:19:51,276 What do I have to do, Sherman? How many schemes do you think I have left? 331 00:19:51,383 --> 00:19:54,409 Look at me. I'm talking to a stupid doll. 332 00:19:54,519 --> 00:19:58,148 See this? I've a good mind to use it. 333 00:19:58,256 --> 00:20:02,556 [Chuckles] Laughing at me, huh? Don't think I can do it? 334 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,787 Well, if nothing else, it'll sure make me feel good. 335 00:20:04,896 --> 00:20:06,864 - Take this, Colonel. - [Lacy Groans] 336 00:20:06,965 --> 00:20:08,933 - Huh? - [BJ.] Here we go. 337 00:20:09,034 --> 00:20:11,161 - [Hawkeye] Okay. Come on. - What's going on here? Holy Toledo! 338 00:20:11,269 --> 00:20:13,237 - Ooh! - Easy, Colonel. 339 00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:15,898 That's right. He's a colonel too. Oh, my God! What's wrong with him? 340 00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:17,975 - We don't know yet. - Acute appendicitis! 341 00:20:18,076 --> 00:20:23,412 - May be just gastritis. - But it may be appendicitis! Anyway, he's real sick. 342 00:20:24,916 --> 00:20:26,884 What have you done? 343 00:20:26,985 --> 00:20:28,885 What the hell do you think you're doing? 344 00:20:28,987 --> 00:20:30,921 I'm taking out that guy's appendix in there. 345 00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,990 You gonna get into your whites or what? 346 00:20:33,091 --> 00:20:35,059 You're talking about removing a healthy organ. 347 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,128 No, I figure his appendix is about as sick as his mind. 348 00:20:37,228 --> 00:20:40,220 Doctors aren't supposed to take bodies apart. They're supposed to put them together. 349 00:20:40,331 --> 00:20:43,562 Why? So guys like that can take them apart again? You heard him. 350 00:20:43,668 --> 00:20:47,104 He's gonna take those kids up that hill tomorrow and send them back to us in pieces. 351 00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:52,199 That man is crazy. That doesn't make this right. Some things are wrong, and they're always wrong. 352 00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:55,336 Fine. It's wrong. But there are gonna be a hundred boys still alive tomorrow. 353 00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,745 - Go tell them how wrong it is. - Damn it! 354 00:20:57,849 --> 00:21:01,046 Why don't you just stab him? Cutting into a healthy body is mutilation! 355 00:21:01,152 --> 00:21:03,916 [Chuckles] Don't give me that. 356 00:21:04,022 --> 00:21:07,617 There aren't doctors back home who do unnecessary operations? You never heard of that? 357 00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:10,216 And for what? For a few bucks. 358 00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:14,924 Suppose you get him relieved of his command. What about the guy they send to replace him? 359 00:21:17,836 --> 00:21:20,168 So I'll take them one at a time! What have I got to lose? 360 00:21:20,271 --> 00:21:23,104 Just your self-respect, that's all! You're a doctor of medicine. 361 00:21:23,208 --> 00:21:26,336 You cut into a healthy body, and you're gonna hate yourself for the rest of your life. 362 00:21:26,444 --> 00:21:31,711 I hate myself right now! I hate me and I hate you, and I hate this whole life here. 363 00:21:31,816 --> 00:21:35,582 And if I can keep that maniac off the line by a simple appendectomy... 364 00:21:35,687 --> 00:21:39,282 - I'll be able to hate myself with a clear conscience. - All right. 365 00:21:39,390 --> 00:21:41,517 - You want to play God, you do it alone. - Fine. 366 00:21:41,626 --> 00:21:43,753 If you're gonna keep talking about it, put a mask on. 367 00:21:43,862 --> 00:21:46,228 I don't want to run the slightest risk of infecting him. 368 00:22:03,214 --> 00:22:05,944 So? 369 00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:09,679 It was pink and perfect, and I tossed it in the scrap bucket. 370 00:22:11,823 --> 00:22:14,257 At least he won't be sending us any customers for a while. 371 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,327 Uh-huh. 372 00:22:18,696 --> 00:22:24,157 Radar was just in here. In about 10 minutes they're sending us a batch of wounded. 373 00:22:24,269 --> 00:22:26,863 - Ten minutes? - [Man On p.A.] Attention, attention, all personnel. 374 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,769 - Time flies. - Sorry, folks. Triage in the compound. 375 00:22:29,874 --> 00:22:32,240 Looks kinda heavy. 376 00:22:32,343 --> 00:22:36,439 You treated a symptom. The disease goes merrily on. 377 00:22:47,792 --> 00:22:50,590 - Let's go, Hawk. - [Rapid Footsteps] 378 00:22:58,036 --> 00:23:00,470 Father, Father, I gotta talk to you. Very important. 379 00:23:00,572 --> 00:23:03,632 - Well, certainly. What about this evening after vespers? - No, no, no. Now. 380 00:23:03,741 --> 00:23:06,471 It can't wait, Father. You've got to take these from me. 381 00:23:06,578 --> 00:23:09,638 They're dangerous in my hands. 382 00:23:09,747 --> 00:23:13,183 What is that that smells like a dead chicken? 383 00:23:13,284 --> 00:23:16,048 Oh. This dead chicken. 384 00:23:16,154 --> 00:23:20,750 Father, I hate to admit it, and I hate myself for doing it, but I've dabbled in the occult. 385 00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:24,794 I see. Still, that doesn't seem strange from you. 386 00:23:24,896 --> 00:23:28,923 You don't understand. I put this in this and wham! 387 00:23:29,033 --> 00:23:33,265 I gave Col. Lacy appendicitis. But I didn't mean to. It was meant for Col. Potter. 388 00:23:33,371 --> 00:23:36,101 Please, you've gotta take this from me before I injure somebody else. 389 00:23:36,207 --> 00:23:39,802 Klinger, that was just a coincidence. 390 00:23:41,079 --> 00:23:43,513 But if it'll make you feel better... 391 00:23:44,782 --> 00:23:47,046 Everything but the chicken. 392 00:23:47,151 --> 00:23:49,984 Oh, okay. I'll give that back to the cook.