1 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:55,211 [Man On p.A.] Attention. Attention, all personnel. 2 00:00:55,314 --> 00:00:59,216 The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. 3 00:00:59,318 --> 00:01:01,809 Unfortunately, it will reopen... 4 00:01:01,921 --> 00:01:04,116 for dinner at 1700 hours. 5 00:01:04,223 --> 00:01:06,123 Meeting will come to order. Any old business? 6 00:01:06,225 --> 00:01:09,626 - Yeah. Can I go home? - Get behind Klinger. New business. 7 00:01:09,729 --> 00:01:11,720 Any gripes, now's the time to squawk. 8 00:01:11,831 --> 00:01:14,299 - Thank you, Major. I have your list. - Once again... 9 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,700 I must protest the almost criminal lack of privacy in this camp. 10 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:22,137 Can't we have separate latrines for every officer over the rank of captain? 11 00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:25,677 - Yeah, and you and Margaret can build it. - My turn. Triage. 12 00:01:25,778 --> 00:01:29,145 There's too much discussion out there. Make up your minds, then act on it. 13 00:01:29,248 --> 00:01:32,081 - I do my part, but nobody listens to me. - You, for instance. 14 00:01:32,184 --> 00:01:35,984 Don't take case histories. Just diagnose your man, then move on. 15 00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:38,852 - Major Houlihan. - What did I do? 16 00:01:38,958 --> 00:01:40,858 Margaret, put away your paranoia. 17 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,985 The colonel is obviously picking on everybody. 18 00:01:43,095 --> 00:01:46,758 Tell your nurses not to be shy about hauling a litter if they have to. 19 00:01:46,866 --> 00:01:49,460 - Some of them are stronger than I am. - Can I have their names? 20 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:53,504 Mail call, sir. Should I leave it in my office, or can I disturb you now? 21 00:01:53,606 --> 00:01:55,836 - [Requests For Mail] - Radar, later, later. 22 00:01:55,942 --> 00:01:58,467 I'll leave this picture postcard of your grandson on your desk. 23 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,636 - Uh, mail call, folks. - I move the meeting be adjourned. 24 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,577 - Second. - Third. - Motion carries. 25 00:02:02,682 --> 00:02:04,775 - See you next year in Atlantic City. - Wow! 26 00:02:04,884 --> 00:02:06,909 Look at that little Corey. What a moose. 27 00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:09,510 Yeah. He weighs 56 pounds. He's walkin' around like crazy... 28 00:02:09,622 --> 00:02:12,591 and he likes to catch bugs and eat 'em. [Laughs] 29 00:02:12,692 --> 00:02:14,956 That's all I read, sir. And your daughter sends her love. 30 00:02:16,228 --> 00:02:18,560 - I'm divorced. - Huh? 31 00:02:18,664 --> 00:02:23,226 It's official. This is my final divorce decree. 32 00:02:23,336 --> 00:02:26,897 - I'm officially divorced. - Congratulations, Margaret. 33 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:31,467 Or condolences. Whichever the case may be. 34 00:02:31,577 --> 00:02:37,379 - Margaret, it's what you wanted, isn't it? - [BJ.] Margaret? 35 00:02:37,483 --> 00:02:40,043 - Yes, yes! I've been waiting for months. - [Helicopters Whirring] 36 00:02:40,152 --> 00:02:42,450 Uh-oh. Choppers. Loaded. 37 00:02:42,555 --> 00:02:45,922 All right. I gave you the halftime pep talk. Now go get 'em. 38 00:02:46,025 --> 00:02:48,391 Sorry to spoil your celebration, ma'am. 39 00:02:50,229 --> 00:02:54,165 - Miss Houlihan, you're on. - Yeah, yeah. 40 00:02:54,266 --> 00:02:56,530 I just can't get over this good news. 41 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:59,536 Right. 42 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:03,369 Come on, Winchester. That's what I was talking about. Get your rear in gear. 43 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:06,809 I appreciate your concern for speed, but I always like to get... 44 00:03:06,912 --> 00:03:09,176 Let me put it this way... move! 45 00:03:09,281 --> 00:03:11,272 You do have a way with words. 46 00:03:11,384 --> 00:03:13,719 [Chattering] 47 00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:14,344 [Chattering] 48 00:03:16,889 --> 00:03:21,087 - Ooh! Gee, I'm sorry! Excuse me. - Looks like I hit the rush hour. 49 00:03:21,193 --> 00:03:23,058 Things are kind of bad 'cause of the war. 50 00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:26,029 I'm Lieutenant Linda Nugent, your new nurse. 51 00:03:26,132 --> 00:03:28,100 Just tell me what to do and where to go. 52 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,100 Oh, right. Major Houlihan! 53 00:03:30,202 --> 00:03:32,534 She'll tell you where to go. She's good at that. 54 00:03:32,638 --> 00:03:35,163 Major Houlihan, may I introduce you to our new Nugent who's... 55 00:03:35,274 --> 00:03:37,868 I mean, this is, uh, Lieutenant Nugent, our new nurse. 56 00:03:37,977 --> 00:03:41,378 Stow your gear and report to me immediately. 57 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,414 Uh, I'm the company clerk around here. 58 00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:45,609 If there's anything you need, I'm the guy you come and get it from. 59 00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:48,312 Oh, thanks. It's always nice to have a friend. 60 00:03:48,421 --> 00:03:51,049 Oh, yeah. Well, it's always nice to be had. 61 00:03:51,157 --> 00:03:53,057 Major Houlihan, I have a bleeder here. 62 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:55,059 - Will you help me stem the tide please? - Yes, Doctor. 63 00:03:55,161 --> 00:03:58,790 Get your rear in gear, Margaret. Isn't that how it goes, Colonel? 64 00:03:58,898 --> 00:04:01,992 I don't want your respect, Winchester, just your love. 65 00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:06,731 More suction. We are treated like chattel here. 66 00:04:06,839 --> 00:04:09,433 Tote that barge. Lift that gurney. 67 00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:11,442 Speak your mind, you need an attorney. 68 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,136 [Laughing] 69 00:04:13,245 --> 00:04:16,339 - Why aren't you laughing, Margaret? - More sponges here. 70 00:04:16,449 --> 00:04:19,009 - You're marvelous company today, Margaret. - [Hawkeye] Relax, Charles. 71 00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:21,018 She's got a bleeder of her own. 72 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,283 And this is the O.R., which, of course, we use as an operating room. 73 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:27,553 This war is getting very popular. Every half hour, another tour. 74 00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:30,390 Radar, on your way out, drop these by the gift shop, will you? 75 00:04:30,496 --> 00:04:34,091 - These guys love to kid ya. - All right, Corporal. I'll take over from here. 76 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,966 Uh... Uh... If you like, ma'am, I can show her the ropes myself. 77 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,504 - But who's going to show you? - He doesn't mean it. 78 00:04:40,606 --> 00:04:43,200 - Get out. - But she does. 79 00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:47,308 Major, I've heard a lot about the 4077 th... 80 00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:49,381 and I'm really proud to be a part of it. 81 00:04:49,482 --> 00:04:51,950 Just pay attention, and you'll catch on as we go along. 82 00:04:52,051 --> 00:04:54,781 That divorce decree's got her numb from the neck up. 83 00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,720 Maybe we should invite her over to the Swamp later for a glass of antifreeze. 84 00:04:57,823 --> 00:05:00,451 Nah. I think what she needs right now is people. 85 00:05:00,559 --> 00:05:03,858 Let's take her someplace where there's music and noise and laughter. 86 00:05:03,963 --> 00:05:06,158 Hey, think we can get into the Copa dressed like this? 87 00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:09,234 [Piano] 88 00:05:16,575 --> 00:05:19,271 Coming here was really a great idea. 89 00:05:19,378 --> 00:05:22,370 I want to thank you guys for helping me to forget. 90 00:05:22,481 --> 00:05:24,472 Glad to help. Forget what? 91 00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:28,144 - You know, my ex-husband, what's-his-name. - [Both Laughing] 92 00:05:28,254 --> 00:05:31,553 - Margaret, we just want you to cheer up. - Yeah, let's get happy here. 93 00:05:31,657 --> 00:05:34,421 Father, can you play something snappy? How about "Lullaby of Broadway?" 94 00:05:34,527 --> 00:05:36,518 That's what I'm playing now. 95 00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:39,029 That's okay, Father. Anytime you can get around to it. 96 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:42,726 You know, I gotta tell you. When I first looked at those divorce papers... 97 00:05:42,835 --> 00:05:45,326 it was like a part of me had died. 98 00:05:45,437 --> 00:05:47,598 And now, after the shock has worn off... 99 00:05:47,706 --> 00:05:50,072 I realize I've got my whole life ahead of me! 100 00:05:50,176 --> 00:05:54,738 Margaret, don't talk that way. You've got your whole life ahead of you. 101 00:05:54,847 --> 00:06:00,786 Say, you gotta take life by the tail and... and... and yank it until it squeals. 102 00:06:00,886 --> 00:06:03,320 [Squealing] 103 00:06:04,890 --> 00:06:07,222 [Continues] 104 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,726 Father, could you play something smooth? 105 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:12,296 It gets smoother in a minute. 106 00:06:21,874 --> 00:06:23,899 - Radar! - Oh, hi. I just came in. 107 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,977 I wasn't just standing here staring at you. Honest. 108 00:06:26,078 --> 00:06:28,569 I'm trying to find a song to dance to. 109 00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:32,139 That guy at the piano doesn't play very well. 110 00:06:32,251 --> 00:06:34,719 Oh, that's Father Mulcahy. He's our chaplain. 111 00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:36,720 He doesn't play so lousy once you get to know him. 112 00:06:36,822 --> 00:06:40,417 - Do you dance, Radar? - Uh, no. Football knee. 113 00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:43,518 - You played football? - Well, not very much. 114 00:06:43,629 --> 00:06:45,927 I had a bad knee. 115 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,727 Um, Lieutenant, I was just wondering. 116 00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:51,098 - If you're not... - Nugent, there you are. Hi. 117 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,171 - Hi, Lieutenant. - How did you like your first day? 118 00:06:53,272 --> 00:06:55,502 I'll learn to love it by the time I leave. 119 00:06:55,608 --> 00:06:58,168 - I heard you're from Pennsylvania. Whereabouts? - Harrisburg. 120 00:06:58,277 --> 00:07:01,144 - I'm from Beaver Falls. - No kidding? 121 00:07:01,247 --> 00:07:03,875 Wow! We had a casualty from Harrisburg once. 122 00:07:03,983 --> 00:07:06,747 - We're practically neighbors. - He was from Harrisburg, Montana, however. 123 00:07:06,852 --> 00:07:09,150 - Come on. We got fudge going in our tent. - He had trench foot. 124 00:07:09,255 --> 00:07:11,485 - The first bull session starts in two minutes. - Oh, great! 125 00:07:11,590 --> 00:07:16,755 It was touch and go there for a while, but, uh, we pulled him through. 126 00:07:22,835 --> 00:07:24,735 - Let's have another drink. - Mmm. 127 00:07:24,837 --> 00:07:27,101 Sic transit, Donald Penobscott. 128 00:07:27,206 --> 00:07:29,970 - The king is dead. - Long live the queen. 129 00:07:31,210 --> 00:07:33,678 You bet. 130 00:07:33,779 --> 00:07:37,476 [Knocking On Door] 131 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:41,041 Colonel? Colonel Potter? 132 00:07:41,153 --> 00:07:45,385 Radar, if it isn't incoming wounded, you better run and hide. 133 00:07:45,491 --> 00:07:47,755 Radar, what are you... 134 00:07:47,860 --> 00:07:50,988 - Margaret. Margaret? - Colonel, I need to talk to you. 135 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,190 Have you dropped all your beans? It's the middle of the night. 136 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,268 I know it's late, sir, but I've just realized something... 137 00:07:56,368 --> 00:08:00,361 that changes my whole perspective on life! 138 00:08:00,472 --> 00:08:03,168 Colonel, the army is my career! 139 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:08,110 - Ohh. - Colonel! Colonel! 140 00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:10,443 I guess I've always known it, but I just couldn't see it... 141 00:08:10,549 --> 00:08:12,744 because I kept getting lost in all those men... 142 00:08:12,851 --> 00:08:15,012 Donald, and then before him, Frank, and then before him... 143 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,918 - I remember. I remember. - And now I finally realize... 144 00:08:18,023 --> 00:08:20,457 that I don't need anybody else to help me live my life. 145 00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:22,459 I'm in control! 146 00:08:22,561 --> 00:08:26,895 And I'm going as far in this man's army as any woman can go. 147 00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:29,524 - Maybe even general! - With the general's permission... 148 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,535 I'd like to get a little sleep, ma'am. 149 00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:35,573 So, for starters, I've got a few ideas about how we can improve things around here. 150 00:08:35,674 --> 00:08:38,142 - Efficiency-wise, I mean. - Whatever you want, you got it. 151 00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:40,143 - Really? - Good night. 152 00:08:40,245 --> 00:08:42,839 Oh, thank you, Colonel! 153 00:08:42,948 --> 00:08:45,542 [Yelps, Grunts] 154 00:08:45,684 --> 00:08:47,675 [Knocking On Door] 155 00:08:47,786 --> 00:08:49,811 Morning. I brought you some coffee. 156 00:08:49,922 --> 00:08:52,857 Pour it in me or over me. I won't know the difference. 157 00:08:53,892 --> 00:08:55,951 Oh, that water's loud. 158 00:08:56,061 --> 00:08:58,461 - I knew you'd need it. I made it black. - Uh-huh. 159 00:08:58,564 --> 00:09:01,965 - And kept it hot. And kept it hot and black. - Uh-huh. 160 00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:04,035 Oh, that's good. 161 00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:10,575 If you came to watch, I'll be drying my knees next. 162 00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,735 - You'll want to stick around for that. - No, no. 163 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:15,871 I came in to ask you, uh, well... 164 00:09:15,981 --> 00:09:19,508 I figured with your experience, you know, that, uh, l... 165 00:09:19,618 --> 00:09:21,984 If anybody would know, you'd know. 166 00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:24,817 Radar, what is it you're trying not to say? 167 00:09:24,923 --> 00:09:28,381 I came to ask you a question about, uh, women. 168 00:09:28,494 --> 00:09:31,327 Oh. Get under a cold shower, and I'll tell you. 169 00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:33,398 No, it's nothing like that. 170 00:09:33,499 --> 00:09:36,900 - How could you even think that about Lieutenant Nugent? - Oh, Lieutenant Nugent. 171 00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:38,902 - Oh. Nice girl. - Yeah. 172 00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,904 I'd say more, but you might hit me. 173 00:09:41,006 --> 00:09:44,874 Hawkeye, she doesn't even know I'm alive. But I sure know she is. 174 00:09:44,977 --> 00:09:47,241 You know, I make excuses just to be with her. 175 00:09:47,346 --> 00:09:49,246 I even stole a lightbulb from her tent... 176 00:09:49,348 --> 00:09:51,248 so she'd need one, and I could bring it to her. 177 00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:55,047 What a rogue. Radar, what you've got to do is calm down. 178 00:09:55,154 --> 00:09:57,816 - You're all aquiver. - What do you mean? I'm calm. 179 00:09:57,923 --> 00:10:00,983 Let her put in her own lightbulb. 180 00:10:01,093 --> 00:10:04,062 I can't, Hawkeye. She's about the swellest girl I ever saw. 181 00:10:04,163 --> 00:10:06,256 Radar... 182 00:10:06,365 --> 00:10:08,333 can I be glib with you? 183 00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:10,698 I think so. 184 00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:13,397 Sometimes women are like bread. 185 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:17,732 You gotta leave 'em alone to get a rise out of them. 186 00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:19,936 Wow. You sure about that? 187 00:10:20,045 --> 00:10:22,536 Take it from an old pastry cook. 188 00:10:22,648 --> 00:10:24,809 You gotta relax. 189 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:26,817 Give her a chance to notice you. 190 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:28,819 You really think that would work? 191 00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:31,788 If it does, let me know. I'll try it. 192 00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:33,824 Thanks a lot. 193 00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:37,156 - Good morning. - Good morning. 194 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,196 Colonel. Good morning, sir. 195 00:10:39,298 --> 00:10:41,664 Regarding what we talked about last night in your tent, sir... 196 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,257 - Oh? - About your future? 197 00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:44,835 - Uh-oh. - Cork it, Pierce. 198 00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:47,667 Well, I'm preparing a rigorous training program for my nurses... 199 00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:51,539 to enable them to handle all of triage, freeing the doctors for O.R. 200 00:10:51,643 --> 00:10:53,543 Nurses taking over triage? 201 00:10:53,645 --> 00:10:55,545 Some of those diagnoses can get pretty involved. 202 00:10:55,647 --> 00:10:58,411 Major Winchester has kindly volunteered his services to instruct them. 203 00:10:58,517 --> 00:11:00,678 - Oh, swell. - They're all gonna talk like him. 204 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,686 Might not be a bad idea, Margaret. 205 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:05,757 In a couple of months, we could have the crack staff of the Far East. 206 00:11:05,858 --> 00:11:08,918 - We might even take the pennant. - I was thinking in terms of days, not months, sir... 207 00:11:09,027 --> 00:11:10,927 especially since Lyle is coming on Saturday. 208 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:13,395 - Lyle? - Saturday? - General Lyle Weiskopf... 209 00:11:13,499 --> 00:11:15,399 - Chief of Staff of... - I know who he is. 210 00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:18,095 He's flying here at my request to review our new program. 211 00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:20,763 You invited a major general without my permission... 212 00:11:20,873 --> 00:11:23,068 especially that two-star pain in the butt? 213 00:11:23,175 --> 00:11:26,110 We can't train nurses in three days. Believe me, I've tried. 214 00:11:26,211 --> 00:11:28,270 Can't you see this is gonna be good for all of us? 215 00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,280 - Especially one of us. - What's wrong with that? 216 00:11:30,382 --> 00:11:32,282 I'm anxious to start my new life. 217 00:11:32,384 --> 00:11:35,353 If that's all you want, I'll turn you upside down and spank you on the fanny. 218 00:11:35,454 --> 00:11:38,446 Look, Major, I'm glad you found something to clear up your divorce blues... 219 00:11:38,557 --> 00:11:41,048 but how could you pull such a bonehead play? 220 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,094 The last thing we need around here is a snooping general. 221 00:11:44,196 --> 00:11:46,528 When he gets here, he can snoop all he wants. 222 00:11:46,632 --> 00:11:48,532 We're gonna be ready. I promise. 223 00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,534 Absolutely not. I won't permit it. 224 00:11:50,636 --> 00:11:53,366 It's too late. He's already accepted. 225 00:11:53,472 --> 00:11:55,565 It's gonna be a real fun weekend. 226 00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:01,501 "Triage" is a French word from the verb "trier'... 227 00:12:01,613 --> 00:12:03,843 meaning to sift or separate. 228 00:12:03,949 --> 00:12:06,110 There are three priorities: 229 00:12:06,218 --> 00:12:10,882 Those who need care at once in order to be saved... 230 00:12:10,989 --> 00:12:15,050 those who can wait, and those who... [Chuckles] are beyond hope. 231 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,720 They know what triage is, Major. 232 00:12:17,829 --> 00:12:21,663 If you wish to heckle, Major Houlihan, please go to a nightclub. 233 00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:24,565 Just get on with it, will you? 234 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,169 Here we have a head injury. 235 00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:30,264 A Lilly Dache head injury. 236 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,343 The patient is obviously delirious... 237 00:12:32,444 --> 00:12:35,106 indicating a possible subdural hematoma. 238 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,113 - Priority? - First, right? 239 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,707 I did not ask the patient. 240 00:12:40,819 --> 00:12:44,084 Priority... first. 241 00:12:44,189 --> 00:12:47,750 - See? I knew I was right. - Next. 242 00:12:49,294 --> 00:12:51,194 From the patient's rigid condition... 243 00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,764 we might assume that he is in an advanced state of shock. 244 00:12:53,865 --> 00:12:56,231 However, there is no apparent injury. 245 00:12:56,335 --> 00:12:59,270 He merely complains that his left shoulder hurts. 246 00:12:59,371 --> 00:13:02,465 - Uh, yeah, my left shoulder hurts. - We are puzzled by this. 247 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,474 On further examination... 248 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:08,376 we observe a purple area over the left quadrant upper. 249 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,380 Blunt trauma. 250 00:13:10,482 --> 00:13:12,575 Possible ruptured spleen. 251 00:13:12,684 --> 00:13:16,120 Moral: Never be fooled. 252 00:13:17,289 --> 00:13:20,349 Now, over here we have a chest case... 253 00:13:20,459 --> 00:13:22,484 Hi, Radar. How ya doing? 254 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,653 - [Whistling] - Radar? 255 00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,789 Oh, hi. Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I didn't notice you. 256 00:13:27,899 --> 00:13:30,129 I'm just very relaxed. 257 00:13:30,235 --> 00:13:32,169 Oh, you're supposed to be unconscious. 258 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:35,364 No, I'm not unconscious. I'm just very calm. 259 00:13:35,474 --> 00:13:39,274 - Radar, are you mad at me or something? - No. No, I'm not mad at you. 260 00:13:39,378 --> 00:13:41,278 Why would you think I was... 261 00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:44,543 - Geez, now I'm getting nervous. - Maybe I just better leave you alone. 262 00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:47,175 Oh, no! No, you don't have to. I'm not "nervous" nervous. 263 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:52,222 I'm just sort of a relaxed state of nervous. Gee! 264 00:13:52,324 --> 00:13:55,418 Atten-hut! Prepare for inspection! 265 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:58,360 Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf. 266 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,899 Thank you, Cato. Where are the girls? 267 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,900 - Where are the girls? - You want girls? You want girls? 268 00:14:04,002 --> 00:14:06,562 You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest! 269 00:14:06,672 --> 00:14:08,640 - You stay just the way you are! - [Shrieks] 270 00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:10,765 - Get away from me! - Let's have a major skirmish. 271 00:14:10,876 --> 00:14:13,276 Play this comic opera elsewhere. 272 00:14:13,378 --> 00:14:16,779 - "Comic opera"? - We are busy here. 273 00:14:16,882 --> 00:14:18,907 Shall I have him shot, mon général? 274 00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:20,917 Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen. 275 00:14:21,019 --> 00:14:24,011 That's it. Get out. Get out of here! 276 00:14:24,122 --> 00:14:27,455 - Cato, sound retreat. - [Whistling] 277 00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:30,357 - Out! - I shall not return. 278 00:14:30,462 --> 00:14:33,659 - [Shouting] - Come on! Out! 279 00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:37,435 Can we just get on with it? 280 00:14:45,544 --> 00:14:47,444 Sir, are you busy? 281 00:14:47,546 --> 00:14:50,743 I'm never too busy for rude interruptions. 282 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,647 - What is it? - Uh, yeah. I got something on my mind. 283 00:14:53,752 --> 00:14:55,777 - And you'd like it removed? - Huh? 284 00:14:55,887 --> 00:15:00,187 - Get on with it. - Um, what I wanted to ask is, uh... 285 00:15:00,292 --> 00:15:03,455 If you wanted to impress this girl that you're really impressed with... 286 00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:05,462 what would you do then? 287 00:15:05,564 --> 00:15:08,829 Gee, that certainly is a challenging question... 288 00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:13,769 but isn't Pierce handling that particular phase of your interminable childhood? 289 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,772 Look, sir, if you don't want to help me, just say so. 290 00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:19,503 I just come in here 'cause I know you know a lot of fancy words and stuff. 291 00:15:19,611 --> 00:15:22,079 - You know, like "ettiquit." - "Ettiquit." 292 00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:24,614 [Clicks Tongue] Yes, I see. [Clears Throat] 293 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:29,244 Well, if there were a girl whose interest I wanted to capture... 294 00:15:29,354 --> 00:15:32,448 first, I would find out what that interest was. 295 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:36,618 Then I would proceed to dazzle her with my expertise. 296 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:39,162 Suppose she had a penchant for Shakespeare. 297 00:15:39,264 --> 00:15:42,495 In that event, I would take her into a moonlit garden... 298 00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:45,695 say, the empty minefield behind O. R... 299 00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,704 and whisper in her shell-like ear... 300 00:15:47,806 --> 00:15:52,140 "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks. 301 00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:55,407 It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. 302 00:15:55,514 --> 00:16:00,144 Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!" 303 00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:02,186 That is what I would do. 304 00:16:02,287 --> 00:16:05,814 I have not the slightest idea what you will do. 305 00:16:06,992 --> 00:16:08,892 All right. Come on. Come on! 306 00:16:08,994 --> 00:16:12,191 General Weiskopf will be here in two hours, and I want perfection. 307 00:16:12,297 --> 00:16:14,959 - [Men Groaning] - Or better! - Excuse me, Major. 308 00:16:15,066 --> 00:16:17,466 But speaking on behalf of the more seriously wounded... 309 00:16:17,569 --> 00:16:20,470 they'd like to stretch their legs and use the, uh, facilities. 310 00:16:20,572 --> 00:16:22,540 All right, all right. Just keep it organized. 311 00:16:22,641 --> 00:16:25,007 - The most urgent cases go first. - Bless you, Major. 312 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,638 Oh, Lyle! He's not supposed to be here yet! 313 00:16:30,749 --> 00:16:34,185 - General, welcome to the 4077 th. - Atten-hut! 314 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,220 Impressive, Major, impressive. 315 00:16:40,325 --> 00:16:42,793 Oh, please, have the wounded remain as they were. 316 00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:46,352 No, they're not wounded, sir. They're demonstrators for the mock triage. 317 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,694 Triage, eh? Of course. 318 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,701 At ease, everybody. At ease. 319 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:55,364 - Margaret, it's very nice to see you again. - You, too, Lyle. 320 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:58,499 This program is so important to me. I can't thank you enough for coming. 321 00:16:58,610 --> 00:17:01,135 - I can't thank you enough for asking. - Thank you. 322 00:17:01,246 --> 00:17:03,146 - No, thank you. - General Weiskopf. 323 00:17:03,248 --> 00:17:05,216 - Good to see you again, sir. - Uh-huh. 324 00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:07,808 You got some big potholes in the road back there. 325 00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:10,854 Real kidney punchers. Hope you get 'em filled in by the time I leave. 326 00:17:10,956 --> 00:17:12,856 And when will that be, General? 327 00:17:12,958 --> 00:17:17,019 I don't know. There's a lot to see here. 328 00:17:17,128 --> 00:17:20,564 - Major, why don't you brief me on this new plan of yours? - Yes, sir. 329 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:24,192 Sherman, I'd like to go over your table of organization. 330 00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:26,429 Things seem to be a little loose around here. 331 00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:29,439 Ah! General, catch! 332 00:17:29,541 --> 00:17:32,635 - Oh, Klinger! - I see... Uh... 333 00:17:32,744 --> 00:17:35,144 Who or what is that? 334 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,977 Just the guy who fills in the potholes, General. 335 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,918 - Hi, Lieutenant. Are you busy? - Very. 336 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,716 The general's here, and I've got to get this organized for Major Houlihan. 337 00:17:44,823 --> 00:17:48,156 - Right. You like rabbits? - Radar, please, I have to finish. 338 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,160 - Do I like what? - Rabbits. 339 00:17:50,262 --> 00:17:52,992 I just thought it was something you might be interested in. 340 00:17:53,098 --> 00:17:57,000 You know, for instance, rabbits never swallow what they chew right away. 341 00:17:57,102 --> 00:17:59,798 They wait and hold it until it's mush in their cheeks for a while. 342 00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:02,635 - No kidding? - Yeah. You know why they wiggle their noses? 343 00:18:02,741 --> 00:18:05,335 - To shoo away pests. - No, but that's a good answer. 344 00:18:05,443 --> 00:18:07,468 Radar, please, I have to finish. 345 00:18:07,579 --> 00:18:09,479 You're right. Maybe we could meet later... 346 00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,481 and you could tell me some stuff that you thought up. 347 00:18:11,583 --> 00:18:13,483 - Radar, please! - [Man On p.A.] Attention, all personnel. 348 00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:15,485 Incoming choppers. This is not a drill. 349 00:18:15,587 --> 00:18:19,489 - It's the real thing, folks. - I'm sorry. I don't have time to talk right now. 350 00:18:19,591 --> 00:18:22,321 Lacerated femoral. Start him on plasma. Get him right into O.R. 351 00:18:22,427 --> 00:18:24,554 Make sure you get that dressing nice and tight again. 352 00:18:24,663 --> 00:18:27,257 - All right, Kellye, what've you got? - Compound fractured femur. 353 00:18:27,365 --> 00:18:30,664 - I've ordered blood. He can wait. - Good diagnosis, Kellye. 354 00:18:30,769 --> 00:18:33,738 - Oh, Doctor.! - Yeah, I'm all yours. 355 00:18:33,838 --> 00:18:35,931 A probable pneumothorax, but I can't be sure. 356 00:18:36,041 --> 00:18:37,941 That's what he's got. Good work, Doc. 357 00:18:38,043 --> 00:18:40,068 Corpsman, pneumothorax, first priority. 358 00:18:40,178 --> 00:18:43,079 Keep it moving. I've checked the nurses' diagnoses. 359 00:18:43,181 --> 00:18:45,342 They can handle it. Let's get inside and scrub. 360 00:18:45,450 --> 00:18:48,112 Potter, a hell of a nursing staff you got here. 361 00:18:48,219 --> 00:18:52,679 - I'm impressed. - You should be. Major, good work. 362 00:18:52,791 --> 00:18:54,884 Thank you, sir. 363 00:18:54,993 --> 00:18:57,518 There's more wounded here! Let's get to them! 364 00:18:57,629 --> 00:18:59,529 Boy, I'm beat. 365 00:18:59,631 --> 00:19:01,792 I can't believe O.R. Could go on that long. 366 00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,562 Would've been longer if we hadn't helped out in triage. 367 00:19:04,669 --> 00:19:06,569 - We were great, weren't we? - Yeah. 368 00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:09,834 - [Knocking On Door] - Come on in. 369 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,068 - Hi, Radar! - Hi. 370 00:19:12,177 --> 00:19:15,146 Lieutenant Baker, I would like to speak to Lieutenant Nugent, alone. 371 00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:17,146 I won't take no for an answer. 372 00:19:17,248 --> 00:19:19,978 Unless you pull rank on me, in which case I'll just wait outside here... 373 00:19:20,085 --> 00:19:22,349 even though you're both lieutenants, and I won't go away either. 374 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:25,150 Well, Corporal Hellcat. I'll be outside if you need me. 375 00:19:25,256 --> 00:19:27,224 That goes for you too. 376 00:19:30,261 --> 00:19:33,822 - Well, we're officially alone, Radar. - Right. 377 00:19:33,932 --> 00:19:37,163 Listen, uh, you probably haven't noticed or anything... 378 00:19:37,268 --> 00:19:40,533 but, uh, I've been trying like heck for you to like me. 379 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:43,869 I've tried everything I know and all that other stuff... 380 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,875 and I'm... I'm tired of trying. 381 00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,207 I want to get one thing straight. Do you want to go out with me or not? 382 00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:51,180 - Yes. - Fine. Then we'll just forget it. 383 00:19:51,282 --> 00:19:55,241 - If I'm not good enough for you... You do? - I said, "yes." 384 00:19:56,721 --> 00:19:58,712 - You did? - Yes! 385 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,087 Well, how come you didn't say so before? 386 00:20:01,192 --> 00:20:03,092 You never asked before. 387 00:20:03,194 --> 00:20:05,856 Oh, yeah. 388 00:20:05,964 --> 00:20:10,230 I guess I was always too busy thinking up stuff to say, you know, to impress you. 389 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,895 Radar, you don't have to impress me. 390 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,029 I think you're nice when you're unimpressive. 391 00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:17,108 Gee, thanks. 392 00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,436 Wow! 393 00:20:20,545 --> 00:20:23,446 That's about the swellest thing anybody ever said to me. 394 00:20:23,548 --> 00:20:26,608 Oh, Lyle, I was so proud of my nurses today. 395 00:20:26,718 --> 00:20:29,152 I was proud of you. You know, it all flows down from the top... 396 00:20:29,254 --> 00:20:31,154 just like this twelve-year-old scotch. 397 00:20:31,256 --> 00:20:33,816 They did everything so beautifully. 398 00:20:33,925 --> 00:20:36,485 Here's a toast to you, Margaret, and your wonderful staff. 399 00:20:37,796 --> 00:20:39,855 - Now, let's talk about you. - Oh, no. 400 00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:41,932 We've talked enough about me. 401 00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,433 - And your future. - What about me? 402 00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:48,973 I have an opening on my nursing staff in Tokyo for a lieutenant colonel. 403 00:20:49,074 --> 00:20:51,975 - But I'm only a major. - Here you're a major, but in Japan... 404 00:20:52,077 --> 00:20:54,045 We could do wonderful things together. 405 00:20:54,145 --> 00:20:56,113 We sure could. 406 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:59,206 A triage program for all the nursing units in Korea. 407 00:20:59,317 --> 00:21:01,911 - If we have time. - Oh, Lyle! 408 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:03,988 First, the divorce, and now this. L... 409 00:21:04,089 --> 00:21:06,614 It's like a wonderful door has been opened up on my life. 410 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,624 The door was always open, Margaret. 411 00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:11,593 All you had to do was walk in. It'll be like old times. 412 00:21:11,696 --> 00:21:13,857 Romantic suppers at the Officers Mess... 413 00:21:13,965 --> 00:21:16,832 and cool night strolls through the cherry blossoms. 414 00:21:16,935 --> 00:21:19,267 Then, up to my billet for a nightcap and a game of... 415 00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:22,032 escaped convict and the warden's wife. 416 00:21:23,441 --> 00:21:25,341 Is that what this promotion talk is all about? 417 00:21:25,443 --> 00:21:28,776 Oh, no. No, no, no. The promotion's legit. I'll make you a colonel. 418 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,871 A colonel in charge of what, your boudoir? 419 00:21:31,983 --> 00:21:34,816 I'm a head nurse and a damn good one! 420 00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,683 What do you think that demonstration was all about, anyway? 421 00:21:37,789 --> 00:21:41,281 At ease, Major. You know how the game is played. 422 00:21:41,392 --> 00:21:44,156 - You rub my back, and I'll rub yours. - I'll rub my own back, thank you. 423 00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:46,287 How dare you assume such a thing! 424 00:21:46,397 --> 00:21:49,594 Oh, come on, Margaret. I know you better than that. 425 00:21:49,701 --> 00:21:52,795 You have the talent. I have the clout. Let's get together and have a few laughs. 426 00:21:52,904 --> 00:21:55,202 You haven't been listening to me, General. 427 00:21:55,306 --> 00:21:58,798 I'm not a pushover anymore. Get yourself another clay pigeon. 428 00:21:58,910 --> 00:22:00,810 You're gonna hate yourself in the morning. 429 00:22:00,912 --> 00:22:03,244 Get out of my tent, General. 430 00:22:03,348 --> 00:22:06,681 - Are you sure? - Out! And that's an order! 431 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:10,550 Okay, Major. 432 00:22:18,696 --> 00:22:20,664 Here's to me. 433 00:22:22,867 --> 00:22:25,836 [Soft Jazz] 434 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:35,537 [No Audible Dialogue] 435 00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:38,912 [Whooping, Wolf Whistles] 436 00:22:42,453 --> 00:22:45,354 So, Radar, you wanna dance? 437 00:22:45,456 --> 00:22:47,890 Uh, no, I don't think I'd better. You know, my bad knee. 438 00:22:47,992 --> 00:22:50,324 Radar, I'm a nurse. 439 00:22:50,428 --> 00:22:54,387 If anything happens, I can take care of you. 440 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:57,866 Well, yeah. I guess in that case, I can take a chance. 441 00:22:59,437 --> 00:23:02,770 - Ready? - Uh, yeah, for anything. 442 00:23:10,982 --> 00:23:13,041 [Continues] 443 00:23:13,151 --> 00:23:15,415 Why is everyone watching us? 444 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,852 Oh, are they? 445 00:23:17,956 --> 00:23:20,618 Well, I guess it's, uh, 'cause I come in here with a lot of girls... 446 00:23:20,725 --> 00:23:22,784 and they always like to see who I'm with. 447 00:23:22,894 --> 00:23:25,488 Radar, not again. 448 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,099 Or maybe it's just 'cause I'm here with the prettiest girl in camp. 449 00:23:42,046 --> 00:23:45,015 [No Audible Dialogue]