1 00:01:04,991 --> 00:01:06,891 Pierce. Pierce. 2 00:01:06,993 --> 00:01:10,326 - Please, five more minutes, honey. - That's Colonel Honey. 3 00:01:10,429 --> 00:01:12,761 How long have you been sittin' here, son? 4 00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,833 I don't know. Who's president? 5 00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:17,425 I know how beat you are... 6 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:22,132 but you'll feel better as soon as you slip into some hot coffee and a cold shower. 7 00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:24,869 No, Colonel, you're supposed to be telling me to get some sleep. 8 00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,968 Sorry. There's a lecture this morning. 9 00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:28,979 I'll give you two bucks to take notes for me. 10 00:01:29,081 --> 00:01:30,981 You'll want to be there for two reasons. 11 00:01:31,083 --> 00:01:33,074 First, this is gonna show us a new heart technique... 12 00:01:33,185 --> 00:01:36,177 and second, it'd be a nice gesture to your commanding officer... 13 00:01:36,289 --> 00:01:39,588 who could make your life so miserable if he wanted to. 14 00:01:39,692 --> 00:01:42,855 Colonel, I haven't rubbed the sleep out of my eyes for weeks. 15 00:01:42,962 --> 00:01:45,453 The sandman is threatening to drop me from his route. 16 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:49,933 You know I'm not that big on attendance, but this guy's a bundle of information. 17 00:01:50,036 --> 00:01:51,833 I'll wait till they bring him out in paperback. 18 00:01:51,938 --> 00:01:55,772 Next week when that proctologist comes with his slide show, you're excused. 19 00:01:55,875 --> 00:01:57,843 It's standing room only for that one. 20 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,713 - [Grunts] - Uh, Colonel... 21 00:02:01,814 --> 00:02:04,009 I'm not really an expert on this, but when you walk... 22 00:02:04,116 --> 00:02:06,641 shouldn't one leg go up while the other one goes down? 23 00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:09,619 Be in my office at 10:00, and mind your own business. 24 00:02:09,722 --> 00:02:11,781 - Oh, the phlebitis again? - No. 25 00:02:11,891 --> 00:02:14,325 If it's acting up, why don't you lie down and take it easy? 26 00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,988 Because it's superficial. And this whole place will fall apart without me. 27 00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:21,123 Ah, the indispensable man. 28 00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:24,464 Look, blood clots can be aggravating, particularly if they're yours. 29 00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:29,564 Do you mind? I've already seen the doctor... me. And I'm fine. Ow! 30 00:02:29,675 --> 00:02:32,269 This looks like an aerial view of the Okefenokee. 31 00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:35,176 Don't eat it with your fingers. There's liable to be an alligator in it. 32 00:02:35,281 --> 00:02:37,181 [Clank] 33 00:02:37,283 --> 00:02:39,581 If anybody needs me, I'll be in my applesauce. 34 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:42,883 This is ludicrous. 35 00:02:42,989 --> 00:02:44,889 Oh, that's what it is. 36 00:02:44,991 --> 00:02:47,585 No, I was referring to the impending lecture. 37 00:02:47,693 --> 00:02:52,562 Some doddering quack from Tokyo General whose brains are nestled in his derriere... 38 00:02:52,665 --> 00:02:57,102 is going to deliver yet another verbal sedative interrupted only by his failing memory. 39 00:02:57,203 --> 00:02:59,433 And good morning to you. 40 00:02:59,538 --> 00:03:02,098 What was the last thing you approved of, Charles, besides your birth? 41 00:03:02,208 --> 00:03:05,575 Gee, oh, that is a toughie. 42 00:03:05,678 --> 00:03:08,670 Hi, guys! Boy, I got no luck whatsoever. 43 00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:10,874 Who are you this week, Rosie the Riveter? 44 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:15,010 I get here at 8:15. Plenty of time to catch the crosstown bus, right? 45 00:03:15,121 --> 00:03:17,612 I bring my bowling ball to Adolph's Sporting Goods... 46 00:03:17,723 --> 00:03:19,657 and he starts drilling holes without even asking. 47 00:03:19,759 --> 00:03:23,422 Now I got six holes in my bowling ball. You know what kind of a hook that gives it? 48 00:03:23,529 --> 00:03:26,760 I throw it, it comes right back. What am I gonna tell the team? 49 00:03:26,866 --> 00:03:29,426 All right, what team? 50 00:03:29,535 --> 00:03:32,732 You know, Ernie's Pizza Inferno. 51 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,772 [Charles] Rah.! Rah.! Rah.! Rah.! 52 00:03:34,874 --> 00:03:38,970 - I get it. We're in Toledo. - Impossible. I wouldn't be caught dead in Toledo. 53 00:03:39,078 --> 00:03:43,310 Now I place you. Mr. Winchester, the doorman of the Commodore Perry Hotel. 54 00:03:43,416 --> 00:03:46,613 - I recognize you from your uniform. - Blow the whistle on him. 55 00:03:46,719 --> 00:03:51,452 Do not include me in your demented masquerade, Corporal. 56 00:03:51,557 --> 00:03:55,653 Corporal? Whoooo! They give him a uniform, and he thinks he's in the army. 57 00:03:55,761 --> 00:03:58,594 You are one word away from going on report. 58 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:01,894 Wouldn't you know it? Every time I talk to a stranger in one of these cheap diners... 59 00:04:02,001 --> 00:04:03,969 he turns out to be a nut. 60 00:04:04,070 --> 00:04:06,595 Hold that bus! See you at the brewery, guys. 61 00:04:06,739 --> 00:04:08,707 There is a great difference of opinion at present... 62 00:04:08,808 --> 00:04:11,902 concerning the preferable method of treating penetrating wounds of the heart. 63 00:04:12,011 --> 00:04:15,538 - Gentlemen, please excuse my tardiness. - Ohh! 64 00:04:15,648 --> 00:04:19,607 It was purely intentional. You must be Captain Simmons... You can't be Captain Simmons. 65 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:22,312 Major Winchester, Captain Simmons. 66 00:04:22,421 --> 00:04:26,323 - You are Captain Simmons. - Afraid so, and I'm sorry for being so young. 67 00:04:26,425 --> 00:04:28,825 - It's all right. You'll grow out of it. - Carry on, son. 68 00:04:28,928 --> 00:04:34,423 At Tokyo General, we feel pericardiocentesis is the only proper required treatment. 69 00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:38,264 In figure "A," a large needle is inserted into the pericardial sac. 70 00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:40,270 Constant suction is maintained. 71 00:04:40,372 --> 00:04:43,307 Now the first trick is to know when the advancement of the needle is stopped. 72 00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,536 Trick? [Chuckles] Hardly. 73 00:04:45,644 --> 00:04:49,637 Advancement is stopped when resistance is felt through the tissue... correct? 74 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,148 Not quite, sir. It's when the motion of the myocardium... 75 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,515 is transmitted to the fingers and dark blood appears. 76 00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,611 Let that be a lesson to you. 77 00:04:56,722 --> 00:05:00,351 If you think he's good now, Charles, wait till his voice changes. 78 00:05:00,459 --> 00:05:02,825 If tamponade reoccurs, then surgery is indicated. 79 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,692 Then, with the pericardium open, the blood clots are removed. 80 00:05:05,798 --> 00:05:08,562 Excuse me, young man. 81 00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,135 Removing blood clots in the manner you advocate... 82 00:05:11,237 --> 00:05:13,933 would, uh, probably initiate a hemorrhage. 83 00:05:14,039 --> 00:05:16,507 Therefore I, uh, I wouldn't do it. 84 00:05:16,609 --> 00:05:20,739 - You wouldn't, but I would. It's a risk I prefer to take. - I beg your pardon? 85 00:05:20,846 --> 00:05:23,144 Repeat it for him, will you? His ears went with his hair. 86 00:05:23,249 --> 00:05:27,379 If brisk hemorrhage occurs, you simply locate the wound, hold pressure on it... 87 00:05:27,486 --> 00:05:30,649 replace the blood as quickly as possible and then suture. 88 00:05:30,756 --> 00:05:33,224 Captain, even a veterinarian knows that that procedure... 89 00:05:33,325 --> 00:05:36,419 increases the likelihood of ventricular fibrillation. 90 00:05:36,529 --> 00:05:39,987 Right. That's why you administer intravenous procaine or Pronestyl. 91 00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:43,091 - Give it a whirl sometime, Doctor. - You give it a whirl, sonny. 92 00:05:43,202 --> 00:05:46,831 - Getting all this, Pierce? - Sure. "Give it a whirl sometime, Doctor." 93 00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:49,840 - "You give it a whirl, sonny." - Just checking. 94 00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:51,842 - Sorry, sirs. - Choppers, right? 95 00:05:51,944 --> 00:05:53,844 I know, I know, but there's choppers coming in. 96 00:05:53,946 --> 00:05:56,176 - School's out. - [B.J.] Saved by the hell. 97 00:05:56,282 --> 00:05:58,182 - Sir, you know you're limping again? - I'm not limping. 98 00:05:58,284 --> 00:06:00,343 - I'm favoring my other leg. - Oh. 99 00:06:00,519 --> 00:06:03,545 This guy can wait. X-rays. 100 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:07,683 Boy, they should get a stop sign for this corner. It's the most dangerous intersection in Ohio. 101 00:06:07,793 --> 00:06:10,591 Abdominal wounds. Prep him, stat. 102 00:06:10,696 --> 00:06:12,596 Multiple wounds and chest. Get him in fast! 103 00:06:12,698 --> 00:06:14,598 - How is he? - Superficial. He can wait. 104 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,600 Good. Set him down over there, give him something for pain. 105 00:06:16,702 --> 00:06:18,602 Tighten these dressings. This man's a one. 106 00:06:18,704 --> 00:06:22,663 - Good Lord. Where do you start? - Anywhere and then you keep going. 107 00:06:22,775 --> 00:06:26,575 - Is it like this all the time? - Nah. Compared to last week, this is a lawn party. 108 00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:30,513 - Shrapnel and fractured femur. Has he had morphine? - Quarter grain, Doctor. 109 00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:32,846 Give him another quarter, and he can wait. 110 00:06:32,952 --> 00:06:34,886 How loud do they have to scream before they can get in? 111 00:06:34,987 --> 00:06:38,718 - It's the ones who can't scream that go first. - Hang in there, son. 112 00:06:38,824 --> 00:06:42,590 The real thing is never as neat as a diagram, is it? 113 00:06:42,695 --> 00:06:45,789 Officer, I saw the whole thing. I was bringing my laundry in to Larry's French Cleaners... 114 00:06:45,898 --> 00:06:48,799 Move it, Mr. 9-to-5, or I'll arrest you for loitering. 115 00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:51,734 A little courtesy, Officer. Your salary comes out of my pocket. 116 00:06:51,837 --> 00:06:54,328 - Move it! - I got your badge number! 117 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,671 All right, let's shift it out of neutral. We got a lot of work to do. 118 00:06:57,776 --> 00:07:00,336 That's a neat little step you got there, Colonel. You wanna teach it to me? 119 00:07:00,446 --> 00:07:02,971 - Boy, you're really in pain, aren't you? - I am just watching you. 120 00:07:03,082 --> 00:07:06,643 You know, the way you boys worry over me is really touching. Drop it. 121 00:07:06,752 --> 00:07:08,652 I'm sure the colonel will be happy to know... 122 00:07:08,754 --> 00:07:10,813 that I'm as indifferent to his condition as he is. 123 00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:13,118 All right, I never thought I'd say this, but I want to look at your leg. 124 00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,319 - Forget it. - Come on, Colonel. We don't move until you don't. 125 00:07:16,428 --> 00:07:18,396 Come on, sit down. 126 00:07:19,431 --> 00:07:21,991 Give me your leg. 127 00:07:22,101 --> 00:07:27,300 Uh-huh. Congratulations, Colonel. Your calf is growing into a heftyJersey cow. 128 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,966 - Bull! - All right, bull. But you're not going into O.R. 129 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:33,476 I'll go wherever I darn well please. It doesn't hurt. 130 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:36,571 Colonel, this is one occasion you're not going to be able to rise to. 131 00:07:36,682 --> 00:07:38,980 It happens to all of us eventually. 132 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,848 I'm not leaving you shorthanded in there. 133 00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:46,152 - Not to worry. Simmons hasn't left yet. - Simmons? Are you out of your... 134 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:49,159 That is a brilliant idea. 135 00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,957 Not so brilliant. The kid's never been in the trenches before. 136 00:07:52,064 --> 00:07:54,726 Don't worry, Colonel. I'm sure that Captain Simmons will be able to provide... 137 00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:57,165 more than adequate coverage for you in surgery. 138 00:07:57,269 --> 00:08:00,033 I will personally do my best to help him right along. 139 00:08:00,139 --> 00:08:04,007 - I can lean against a table... - Alley Oop. You can read about it in the morning papers, Colonel. 140 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,009 I'll go find Simmons. 141 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:09,945 I just hope that precocious neophyte does not irreparably damage our good name. 142 00:08:10,049 --> 00:08:13,485 Not with a belligerent buzzard like you circling around, he won't. 143 00:08:13,585 --> 00:08:15,849 [Simmons] This bowel is nothing but perforations. 144 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,650 - Three-oh chromic G.I. Keep it coming. - [Charles] Cancel that. 145 00:08:18,757 --> 00:08:23,023 Captain, around here we don't have time to sew up all the little holes. 146 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:26,655 Just remove the damaged bowel and suture the two ends together. 147 00:08:26,765 --> 00:08:28,733 [Simmons] Even if it means losing two or three feet? 148 00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:33,271 [Charles] That's right. Others are waiting. Men have families, intestines don't. 149 00:08:33,372 --> 00:08:38,435 Major, your voice would carry much better if you talked across to people and not down to them. 150 00:08:38,544 --> 00:08:41,035 Don't worry, Captain. You're doing fine. 151 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:45,446 When Major Winchester first got here, he had trouble with emergency procedures too. 152 00:08:45,551 --> 00:08:47,985 - He couldn't even go potty by himself. - [Mulcahy] Captain, please. 153 00:08:48,087 --> 00:08:51,113 Oh, sorry, Father. I know how hard Charles has been working on it too. 154 00:08:51,223 --> 00:08:53,248 [Charles] Pierce can't help it, Simmons. 155 00:08:53,359 --> 00:08:56,522 It's his schooling. He majored in Scatology. 156 00:08:56,628 --> 00:08:59,654 Kellye, finish closing for me, will you, please? Right. 157 00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:05,464 Hmm. Well, that doesn't look too difficult. 158 00:09:05,571 --> 00:09:08,301 However, if you go astray, I will be nearby. 159 00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:10,807 All right. I'm going to do end-to-end anastomosis. 160 00:09:10,909 --> 00:09:13,878 - Give that man a cigar. - Just don't flick the ashes in your patient. 161 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:18,779 Major? Excuse me, Major, you're in my light. 162 00:09:18,884 --> 00:09:21,250 - Hmm? - Down in front, Charles. 163 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:24,049 [Charles] Your gratitude overwhelms me. 164 00:09:24,156 --> 00:09:27,216 Where's Toledo's leading citizen with my X-rays? Mr. Klinger! 165 00:09:27,326 --> 00:09:30,818 Here are your snapshots, Mr. Pierce. That's some camera you got. 166 00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:32,829 Ah, the bats are busy in there tonight. 167 00:09:32,931 --> 00:09:35,126 Could you pay me right away? I'd like to get home early and change. 168 00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:37,464 Tonight's my lodge meeting and we're swearing in a new Moose. 169 00:09:37,569 --> 00:09:39,696 Go out to my roadster. There's a quarter in the glove compartment. 170 00:09:39,805 --> 00:09:41,705 - And don't play with the flashlight. - Yes, sir. 171 00:09:41,807 --> 00:09:43,707 - And thank you, Mr. Pierce. - Bright kid. 172 00:09:43,809 --> 00:09:46,642 [Simmons] These perforations go on forever. 173 00:09:46,745 --> 00:09:48,645 What a mess. I'm gonna need more clamps. 174 00:09:48,747 --> 00:09:51,045 [Charles, Laughing] I knew it. 175 00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:53,084 Wonder Boy or not, it isn't Tokyo. 176 00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:55,085 You want to finish the bandaging, Kellye? 177 00:09:55,187 --> 00:09:59,248 All right, sonny. You just, uh, finish the resection you're working on... 178 00:09:59,358 --> 00:10:01,519 and I'll suture the other areas primarily. 179 00:10:01,627 --> 00:10:03,754 That is, if it's, uh, all right with you? 180 00:10:03,862 --> 00:10:06,558 No thanks, Major. I'm going to resect the other area. 181 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:08,724 Captain, now you're removing too much bowel. 182 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:13,464 - Don't worry about it, sir. The resections are far enough apart. - Simmons, you're not listening. 183 00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,836 Neither are you, Charles. Sounds to me like he knows what he's doing. 184 00:10:15,941 --> 00:10:17,841 Don't ask my opinion, Charles. You wouldn't like it. 185 00:10:17,943 --> 00:10:21,640 All right, suit yourselves. Play doctor with Skippy. 186 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:26,684 - What's he got against me? - Well, you're young, you're intelligent... 187 00:10:26,785 --> 00:10:28,980 and worst of all... you're right. 188 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:33,888 [Whistling] Colonel, what are you doing at your desk in your own office? 189 00:10:33,992 --> 00:10:35,960 You and your leg are supposed to be lying down. 190 00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:39,462 The leg feels fine. Besides, I got this little hospital to run. 191 00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:44,161 Oh, darn it! Captain Pierce and Hunnicutt says you gotta stay off your "blaphitist." 192 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,203 I am off it. Shoo. 193 00:10:46,305 --> 00:10:48,273 No, sir, sir. I won't shoo, sir. 194 00:10:48,373 --> 00:10:51,274 Look, I don't care that you don't care that I care... 195 00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:54,675 but I do care whether you care or not, and that goes for everybody in this camp. 196 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:58,773 - Radar, pack up all your cares and go. - Not until you go first. 197 00:10:58,884 --> 00:11:01,978 Captain Pierce says your leg is sick and if you don't go to bed, it's gonna get sicker. 198 00:11:02,087 --> 00:11:04,817 Aw, poop on Pierce. He worries like a mother hen. 199 00:11:04,923 --> 00:11:08,552 I know this place, and if I'm not here, things don't get done. 200 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:11,527 They've already been done, sir. I signed tomorrow's forms yesterday. 201 00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:14,861 - We got till next week till we're even. - Can you do surgery too? 202 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:18,960 No, but Captain Simmons can and he's great. He even showed up Major Winchester. 203 00:11:19,071 --> 00:11:21,062 Radar, Captain Simmons isn't here anymore. 204 00:11:21,173 --> 00:11:25,007 I know, but he's just over at the 8063rd. That's just a couple of minutes away by chopper. 205 00:11:25,110 --> 00:11:27,078 I'm telling you, sir. We just don't need you. 206 00:11:28,347 --> 00:11:30,474 - You don't? - Not at all. 207 00:11:30,582 --> 00:11:32,982 Everybody says Captain Simmons is as good as anybody here. 208 00:11:33,085 --> 00:11:35,020 - They do, huh? - Uh-huh. I never saw the O.R. Go smoother. 209 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:36,920 - They do, huh? - Uh-huh. I never saw the O.R. Go smoother. 210 00:11:37,022 --> 00:11:39,820 Now come on, sir. Let's get to bed, huh? 211 00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:44,953 All right, Radar. But you'll have to help me. The old leg is hurtin' real bad. 212 00:11:45,063 --> 00:11:47,054 Oh, boy. 213 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,827 - Ooh! Oooh! Wow! - Oh, boy. 214 00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:53,200 - I was hopin' a towel around it would help... - [Radar] I'll get you some water. 215 00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:01,210 - Good reading? - Yeah, kinda interesting. 216 00:12:01,313 --> 00:12:04,214 It should be. It's 6:00 in the morning. 217 00:12:04,316 --> 00:12:06,807 What is it? Lady Chatterly Visits Boys' Town? 218 00:12:06,919 --> 00:12:10,013 Almost. It's the latest issue of Medical Dialogue. 219 00:12:10,122 --> 00:12:13,091 I'll save you the trouble. I know how it ends. 220 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:16,160 Peter Pancreas marries the Princess Pelvis. 221 00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:19,992 They have a couple of kidneys, and they all liver happily ever after. 222 00:12:20,098 --> 00:12:22,896 You may be right. I'll look it up in the appendix. 223 00:12:23,001 --> 00:12:26,368 Why the crash course? You've already got the job. 224 00:12:26,471 --> 00:12:29,167 It doesn't hurt to keep up. It's easy to fall behind out here. 225 00:12:29,274 --> 00:12:32,869 Ah-ha-ha, the boy surgeon got to you, didn't he? 226 00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:35,003 Just scared the hell out of me, that's all. 227 00:12:35,113 --> 00:12:38,480 So he's younger than us, so he's up on all the latest developments... 228 00:12:38,584 --> 00:12:40,552 so I get the book after you. 229 00:12:42,487 --> 00:12:44,387 [Grunts] 230 00:12:44,489 --> 00:12:47,151 Ah! Rosenose. 231 00:12:49,628 --> 00:12:54,327 Welcome to Skid Row. Twenty cents a night, D.T. S included. 232 00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:57,027 Give him the binge rate. That's the third night he's come in this way. 233 00:12:57,135 --> 00:13:00,798 - Price. Honeycomb. - The rummy speaks. 234 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:04,933 Ruined... by a little twerp surgeon. 235 00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:09,275 - Here we go again. - My life is going up in smoke. 236 00:13:09,381 --> 00:13:11,542 It will if you don't stop breathing on that stove. 237 00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:15,746 Brilliant career shot to smitheroons. 238 00:13:15,854 --> 00:13:17,879 That potter's fault. 239 00:13:17,990 --> 00:13:21,790 First he keeps me here until my talents "aptrophy"... 240 00:13:21,893 --> 00:13:24,418 and then he sends little Bobby Shafto to come here... 241 00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,862 and humil-in-mate me. 242 00:13:27,966 --> 00:13:29,866 But I'll get even with him. 243 00:13:29,968 --> 00:13:34,598 Some day, he'll be older than I am, and then I'll show him up. 244 00:13:34,706 --> 00:13:36,606 He couldn't even walk a crooked line. 245 00:13:36,708 --> 00:13:40,610 It's all over. It is all over. 246 00:13:40,712 --> 00:13:43,738 As long as it's not all over my bed. 247 00:13:43,849 --> 00:13:47,478 Aw, what? Aw, aw! 248 00:13:47,586 --> 00:13:52,046 I could have been one of the top 10 surgeons in the world. 249 00:13:52,157 --> 00:13:54,091 - Come on. - Now I'm dirt. 250 00:13:54,192 --> 00:13:56,092 Oh, now I'm dead. 251 00:13:56,194 --> 00:14:00,290 Charles, you're a talented, gifted, drunken surgeon. Go to bed. 252 00:14:00,399 --> 00:14:02,458 - Come on, come on. - I am in bed. 253 00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:06,401 Come with Daddy. Here. Come to Daddy. 254 00:14:06,505 --> 00:14:10,908 Huh? Oh, ohhh, uh-oh. 255 00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:13,671 - Whirlies. - Out! Get him out! 256 00:14:13,779 --> 00:14:15,838 - Where are we going? - The shower. 257 00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:17,847 We better run. 258 00:14:17,949 --> 00:14:21,749 - [Knocking] - Come in, Radar. 259 00:14:21,853 --> 00:14:23,844 Morning, sir. How'd you know it was me? 260 00:14:23,955 --> 00:14:26,185 You're the only one who knocks. 261 00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:28,589 - Time to get up. - For what? 262 00:14:28,694 --> 00:14:30,594 This is your first walk. Don't you remember? 263 00:14:30,696 --> 00:14:33,324 The doctors said after a couple of days you could take yourself to breakfast and back. 264 00:14:33,432 --> 00:14:37,198 - I ain't hungry. - Ah, yeah, but, sir, they got Wheatena today... 265 00:14:37,302 --> 00:14:39,293 and it's warm and everything. 266 00:14:39,404 --> 00:14:43,841 - But ya gotta hurry. - Then just have 'em send a bowl over. 267 00:14:45,544 --> 00:14:47,671 Colonel, listen, uh, you gotta use your leg, you know... 268 00:14:47,779 --> 00:14:49,906 otherwise it won't get useful again. 269 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,915 Besides, you know, uh, the swelling's gone down... 270 00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:54,212 and the more you walk on it, the littler swelling there'll be. 271 00:14:54,319 --> 00:14:57,482 - Don't you want to get well? - Thank you, son. If I need you, I'll ring. 272 00:14:57,589 --> 00:15:00,581 Yes, sir. Are you sure, sir? 273 00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,126 Look, Radar, the gam's still tender... 274 00:15:03,228 --> 00:15:05,924 things around here are going smooth without me... 275 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:10,092 and like you keep saying, there's always Captain Simmons, isn't there? 276 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,102 Well, sure, but... 277 00:15:12,204 --> 00:15:15,867 Then let me get back to Zane Grey before the outlaws do. 278 00:15:15,974 --> 00:15:19,171 Well, listen, Colonel, I don't mean to pull rank on you, especially since I can't... 279 00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:21,939 - but, uh, as a friend... - Appreciate it, son. 280 00:15:24,316 --> 00:15:26,250 Yes, sir. 281 00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,913 [Door Closes] 282 00:15:31,022 --> 00:15:33,354 Come on, Charles, one more sip. This time in your mouth. 283 00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:36,894 Here we go, here we go. There. Very good. 284 00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:42,661 It's too late for coffee. Just a cigarette and a firing squad, please. 285 00:15:42,768 --> 00:15:45,293 We're never gonna get it down him. We'll have to dump him in the urn. 286 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,633 What a good idea. I can drown in there. 287 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:50,970 - Is that Charles? - It was. 288 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,978 - Nothing personal, Margaret. He's really glad to see you. - Yeah, all six of me. 289 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:59,414 Charles, it's okay that you're not the smartest kid in class anymore. 290 00:15:59,518 --> 00:16:01,952 Simmons, Simmons, Simmons. 291 00:16:02,053 --> 00:16:04,214 What a rotten name for a doctor. 292 00:16:04,322 --> 00:16:06,222 Uh, can I talk to all you sirs for a minute? 293 00:16:06,324 --> 00:16:09,487 Another kid. Get away, boy, you bother me. 294 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,222 Listen, I'm really worried about Colonel Potter. He won't get up. 295 00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:15,822 - Why not? - Well, he says his leg still hurts, but that's not it. 296 00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:18,061 - Then what is it, Doc? - Well, I don't know. 297 00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:20,764 He's just not himself, you know. He's acting like a gloomy Gus... 298 00:16:20,872 --> 00:16:24,399 and-and he won't move around or talk or nothin', and when I say to get up, he says... 299 00:16:24,509 --> 00:16:26,909 "What's the diff? Captain Simmons can do all my stuff anyway." 300 00:16:27,012 --> 00:16:29,378 Ahhhh, that name! 301 00:16:29,481 --> 00:16:31,972 Boy, this Simmons-itis is some disease. 302 00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:34,551 It makes an invalid out of one guy and a drunk out of the other. 303 00:16:34,653 --> 00:16:37,087 - One of us should go cheer him up. - How about Charles? 304 00:16:37,189 --> 00:16:40,590 - I'll go. - Good. You sure smell better. 305 00:16:40,692 --> 00:16:44,355 - Is there anything I can do for you, Major? - Yes, there is. 306 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,625 Scram, peewee! 307 00:16:47,732 --> 00:16:50,257 - [Knocking] - Yes, Radar. 308 00:16:50,368 --> 00:16:52,996 - Pardon me, sir, are you the gentleman of the house? - I'm reading. 309 00:16:53,104 --> 00:16:56,403 I'm Klinger. Pleased to meet you. Don't get up, stay right where you are. 310 00:16:56,508 --> 00:17:00,000 What I've got to show you you can see from the privacy of your own bed. 311 00:17:00,111 --> 00:17:03,842 - Aluminum siding. - Klinger, I'm not buying it. 312 00:17:03,949 --> 00:17:05,849 You don't have to, sir. 313 00:17:05,951 --> 00:17:08,943 If you'll just allow us to use your spacious home as a model... 314 00:17:09,054 --> 00:17:12,888 the Toledo Siding Company will side your entire home absolutely free... 315 00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:15,391 with no obligation to you and the little missus. 316 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,826 All you do is allow me to bring in a few prospective customers... 317 00:17:18,930 --> 00:17:21,364 to view your new lightweight castle. 318 00:17:21,466 --> 00:17:26,165 Klinger, this one isn't even good enough for a 4-H Club skit. 319 00:17:26,271 --> 00:17:29,104 I understand perfectly, my good man. No siding. 320 00:17:29,207 --> 00:17:32,472 Okay, let's talk simulated wood shingle. 321 00:17:32,577 --> 00:17:35,740 You're nuts if you think this is gonna make me think you're nuts. 322 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:40,750 - No nuts, not even a bolt. We laminate it right on. - [Knocking] 323 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,412 I hope that's the police. Come in. 324 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:47,082 Ah, the missus. You lucky dog. 325 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:49,160 Klinger, are you pestering the colonel now? 326 00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:52,025 At 5:00 this morning, he tried to sell me deep-pile carpeting. 327 00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:54,223 It's wise to reconsider. I still got a few feet left. 328 00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:56,357 - So have I. Get out of here. - Sir? 329 00:17:56,468 --> 00:17:58,595 You heard the missus. Blow. 330 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:03,037 Boy, just when you're about to close a deal, the other half walks in. 331 00:18:03,141 --> 00:18:06,338 - Colonel, what are you doing in bed? - Now don't you start. 332 00:18:06,444 --> 00:18:10,210 Can I have my samples, folks? I got a couple of hot prospects next door. Newlyweds. 333 00:18:10,315 --> 00:18:13,478 - Will you get out of here? - [Clattering On Floor] 334 00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:15,917 See that? You can't hurt these little wonders. 335 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,955 Now, as for you, why the mopes? 336 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:21,958 Margaret, I'll tell you this once. 337 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:27,293 My leg hurts, it needs some bed rest, and I'm entitled. 338 00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:30,163 No one's arguing with that. But you've been in here for two days... 339 00:18:30,268 --> 00:18:33,237 and you know as well as I do that you've gotta get up and move around. 340 00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:36,705 - Suppose I don't feel like it? - Colonel, you're no special case here. 341 00:18:36,808 --> 00:18:38,776 There's work to do, and it's time you started doing it. 342 00:18:38,877 --> 00:18:42,176 - Why? It's getting done without me. - That's a lousy excuse, sir. 343 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,646 I mean, what if everybody around here felt and did what you're doing? 344 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,842 Nothing would ever get done. 345 00:18:46,952 --> 00:18:49,750 All right, Margaret, you made your point. I'll pull myself up. 346 00:18:49,854 --> 00:18:51,754 - Attaboy. - This afternoon. 347 00:18:51,856 --> 00:18:54,051 Now! 348 00:18:54,159 --> 00:18:56,457 Come on, all right. That's right, go ahead, fight with me! 349 00:18:56,561 --> 00:18:59,428 - At least it'll get your circulation going. - Now, Margaret, stop it! 350 00:18:59,531 --> 00:19:01,863 [Man On p.A.] Attention all personnel, incoming wounded. 351 00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:04,299 - Roll out the welcome mat. - Now you've got no choice. 352 00:19:04,402 --> 00:19:06,302 I was just leaving. 353 00:19:06,404 --> 00:19:09,771 - [B.J.] Will you look at this? - [Charles] Wonderful. 354 00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:13,435 It's true what they say. Even the great ones put their pants on one arm at a time. 355 00:19:13,545 --> 00:19:15,445 It's gonna make a nice hat. 356 00:19:15,547 --> 00:19:20,143 Gentlemen, I forgive all your insults if you will only remove my head. 357 00:19:20,251 --> 00:19:24,654 - Good morning, people. - Ah, must be spring. The big bird has returned to Capistrano. 358 00:19:24,756 --> 00:19:28,624 - How's the leg, Colonel? - It's holding me up. What's holding you up? Get goin'! 359 00:19:28,727 --> 00:19:30,752 Amazing how a smiling face lights up a room. 360 00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:34,593 Let me warn you, Pierce. I'm nobody's sweetheart today. 361 00:19:34,699 --> 00:19:38,226 - Aha. I think I'll scrub up. - Good idea before surgery. 362 00:19:38,336 --> 00:19:42,864 Colonel, I'm glad you could make it, because I'm going to have to be relieved. 363 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:44,874 I'm in no condition to operate. 364 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:49,675 Well, that makes two of us. Since misery loves company, we're both goin' in there. 365 00:19:49,781 --> 00:19:55,014 Colonel, that is not fair. With you here, there are enough surgeons to handle the load... 366 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,681 and, frankly, I'm quite indisposed. 367 00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:03,318 - I don't want to hear it, Major. - Oh, it's fine when you're lounging around... 368 00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:07,023 but if anyone else is a little under the weather, it's tough cookies, huh? 369 00:20:07,132 --> 00:20:09,032 Winchester, I'm sick of you. 370 00:20:09,134 --> 00:20:12,661 Ever since you set foot in this place, you've done nothing but whimper and whine. 371 00:20:12,771 --> 00:20:17,071 It's not my fault this war interrupted your Park Avenue career. 372 00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:21,544 For all your griping, you're just not worth it. Nobody's that good. 373 00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:24,638 How dare you! 374 00:20:24,749 --> 00:20:27,343 I've worked my butt off in this hellhole... 375 00:20:27,452 --> 00:20:30,546 and at no time have I ever shirked my responsibilities... 376 00:20:30,655 --> 00:20:33,624 or fallen short of any reasonable request. 377 00:20:33,725 --> 00:20:38,162 I'm a damn good surgeon! And look who's talking, if you please, Colonel Slugabed. 378 00:20:38,263 --> 00:20:41,664 You can't stand up in surgery, much less fill my shoes! 379 00:20:41,766 --> 00:20:46,294 I'll put my bum leg against your fat head any day! 380 00:20:46,404 --> 00:20:48,838 You're no match for me in anything! 381 00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:54,105 I can drink you under the table and out-operate you over the table! 382 00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,146 - Hah! - Hah! Hah! 383 00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:59,239 - I wouldn't let you close for me! - Just get in there! 384 00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:01,910 - With pleasure! - We'll see who can take it! 385 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:03,920 [Both Groaning] 386 00:21:04,022 --> 00:21:08,049 Done. My 50th splenectomy. That makes me an ace. 387 00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:10,650 - Free hands here. - [Charles] I'm fine, thank you. 388 00:21:10,762 --> 00:21:14,459 - [Potter] Who isn't? - [BJ.] I'm not proud. Help.! 389 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:17,865 Need some gloving here. I need all the gloving I can get. 390 00:21:17,969 --> 00:21:19,937 - [Charles] Three-oh silk. - Three-oh silk. 391 00:21:20,038 --> 00:21:24,532 - Uhh, Margaret, how long have we been in here? - A little over six hours. 392 00:21:24,642 --> 00:21:27,372 I don't want to look. How's Potter really holding up? 393 00:21:27,479 --> 00:21:29,743 Rocky Gibraltar is doing just fine. 394 00:21:29,848 --> 00:21:32,146 Oh, of course he is. 395 00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,343 I have to hand it to the old boy. 396 00:21:34,452 --> 00:21:38,582 If his leg hurts half as much as my head, I'm surprised he's still alive. 397 00:21:38,690 --> 00:21:41,352 Don't tell me, tell him. 398 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,222 Close for me, will you, Margaret? Thank you. 399 00:21:47,332 --> 00:21:51,166 - [BJ.] Retract that a little bit. - Uh, Colonel... 400 00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:55,865 at the risk of sounding maudlin, I apparently underestimated your stamina. 401 00:21:55,974 --> 00:21:59,637 Frankly, you're... as good as I am. 402 00:21:59,744 --> 00:22:02,542 Thank you, Winchester. Nice of you to say so. Clamp. 403 00:22:04,349 --> 00:22:06,715 - Uh, Colonel? - Yes? 404 00:22:06,818 --> 00:22:09,218 - I meant that sincerely. - I know you did. 405 00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:14,217 Isn't there anything you have to say to me? 406 00:22:14,325 --> 00:22:17,089 Yeah. Get back to work. 407 00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:27,832 Uh, Colonel, I'm sorry to interrupt your feeling better... 408 00:22:27,939 --> 00:22:29,839 but there's a Mr. Klinger here to see you? 409 00:22:29,941 --> 00:22:32,068 - Thank you, son. Send it in. - Right. 410 00:22:32,177 --> 00:22:35,669 - Mr. Klinger? - Mr. Potter, you wanted to see me? 411 00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:38,647 Come in, Klinger. Sit down. 412 00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:43,517 Thanks! Boy, did you see 'em tearing down the Rivoli Theater this morning? 413 00:22:43,621 --> 00:22:46,283 I hear they're gonna replace it with a three-story high-rise. 414 00:22:46,391 --> 00:22:49,758 All right, enough of this palaver. I got your Section Eight paperwork right here. 415 00:22:49,861 --> 00:22:52,421 What am I doing in Section Eight? I thought I was working on the roof. 416 00:22:52,530 --> 00:22:54,430 Klinger, you've convinced me. 417 00:22:54,532 --> 00:22:58,366 At first I thought all this not believing you're in the army was just another scam. 418 00:22:58,469 --> 00:23:02,098 - But you really think you're in Toledo, don't you? - Don't you? 419 00:23:02,207 --> 00:23:04,232 Okay. Let's get to it. 420 00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:07,971 I just want to check the facts before I send your paperwork on to H.Q. 421 00:23:08,079 --> 00:23:10,479 I don't understand what you're talking about, but you're the foreman. 422 00:23:10,582 --> 00:23:13,983 - Okay, name... Max Klinger. - Right. That's with one "X." 423 00:23:14,085 --> 00:23:16,212 - Got it. Place of birth? - Toledo, Ohio. 424 00:23:16,321 --> 00:23:19,722 - Fine. Mother's maiden name? - Abodeely. That's with two "E's." 425 00:23:19,824 --> 00:23:23,225 - Social Security number? - 556-78-2613. 426 00:23:23,328 --> 00:23:25,228 - Rank? - Corporal. 427 00:23:25,330 --> 00:23:28,197 Aha! Gotcha, soldier!