1 00:00:54,347 --> 00:00:57,316 [High-pitched Singing] 2 00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:08,017 You were right. It is human. 3 00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:10,493 Charles was convinced someone was torturing the camp mutt. 4 00:01:10,596 --> 00:01:14,965 In one hour, a doctor will be visiting from the Swedish Red Cross Hospital. 5 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:19,401 A lady doctor, and rumor has it she is a blonde Swedish lady doctor... 6 00:01:19,505 --> 00:01:21,939 whose name is... [Chuckles]... hold your breath... 7 00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:23,941 Inga. [Chuckles] 8 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:26,978 Uh, this woman, I take it, does not yet know that you exist? 9 00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:30,947 I am nothing but the tall, dark and handsome who skulks among her Gypsy's tea leaves. 10 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:34,247 Doesn't that strike you as just a wee bit overconfident? 11 00:01:34,353 --> 00:01:37,220 I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation... 12 00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:39,382 adventure, the spirit of pursuit... 13 00:01:39,492 --> 00:01:42,586 the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. 14 00:01:42,695 --> 00:01:44,595 I am the love call of evolution... 15 00:01:44,697 --> 00:01:49,100 the perfume and color offlowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. 16 00:01:49,201 --> 00:01:53,501 I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life! I am appetite! 17 00:01:53,606 --> 00:01:56,268 And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves. 18 00:01:58,144 --> 00:02:00,806 - Dr. Halvorsen, good evening! - Hello. 19 00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,939 I'm Corporal Klinger. Corporal Max Klinger. 20 00:02:04,050 --> 00:02:08,749 Allow me to help you with your luggage. V.I.P. Tent's right that way. 21 00:02:08,854 --> 00:02:11,789 - I hope my attire doesn't shock you, Doctor... - No, not at all. 22 00:02:11,891 --> 00:02:14,121 The outward trappings of my unfortunate insanity. 23 00:02:14,226 --> 00:02:16,126 To tell you the truth, I don't belong here. 24 00:02:16,228 --> 00:02:18,128 If two doctors will sign a form, I'll be able to go home. 25 00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:20,425 And so far, I've got all but both of them. 26 00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:22,865 You know, I may be able to help you. 27 00:02:22,969 --> 00:02:25,130 Oh, you can? You mean it? 28 00:02:25,237 --> 00:02:28,365 Yeah, well, I have a colleague in Copenhagen who does sex-change operations. 29 00:02:28,474 --> 00:02:32,535 - Yeah? What's that? - Well, you would finally be transformed into a woman. 30 00:02:32,645 --> 00:02:36,206 It's very sophisticated surgery, but, uh, it's possible. 31 00:02:36,315 --> 00:02:40,411 You mean, somebody... You mean, take a knife and... and... 32 00:02:40,519 --> 00:02:43,488 - Yeah. - They're crazier than I am! 33 00:02:43,589 --> 00:02:48,253 - Okay, I'll take over, Klinger. You'll get a snag in your tutu. - With gusto, Captain. 34 00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:51,353 I'm definitely working the wrong side of the street here. 35 00:02:51,464 --> 00:02:54,331 How do you do, Doctor? I'm Hawkeye Pierce, the local chief surgeon. 36 00:02:54,433 --> 00:02:56,333 Hello. I'm Inga Halvorsen. 37 00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:58,426 [Laughs] 38 00:02:58,537 --> 00:03:02,098 - You're laughing at my accent? - No, no, no. That's not laughing. That's delight. 39 00:03:02,208 --> 00:03:05,177 If I may say so, Doctor, your voice is the sound track of my dreams. 40 00:03:05,277 --> 00:03:09,714 - Please, call me Inga. - Your, uh... Your, uh, room is right down the hall here... 41 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,409 Inga. [Chuckles] 42 00:03:14,186 --> 00:03:16,620 I think you'll find these first-class accommodations. 43 00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:19,953 Hot and cold running rodents everywhere but the Mess Tent... 44 00:03:20,059 --> 00:03:22,050 which they refuse to patronize. 45 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:24,095 Surgery when you least expect it... 46 00:03:24,196 --> 00:03:27,495 and the occasional fireworks display to celebrate the end of civilization as we know it. 47 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,898 - Oh, it sounds lovely. - We got four stars... 48 00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,902 - from the International Hellhole Society. - [Knocking] 49 00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:35,701 - Forget it. - Come in. - Ah, Dr. Halvorsen. 50 00:03:35,808 --> 00:03:38,572 Welcome. Dr. Winchester. 51 00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:41,578 I see the bellboy is still here. 52 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,171 I brought you a bottle of Chateau Lafite '37... 53 00:03:44,283 --> 00:03:46,615 a modest little welcome of inestimable value. 54 00:03:46,719 --> 00:03:49,381 Ah, the grape... 55 00:03:49,488 --> 00:03:53,481 whose misty skin is a pale membrane between the workaday and the holiday. 56 00:03:53,592 --> 00:03:56,152 While you're in camp, I definitely recommend an evening with Charles. 57 00:03:56,262 --> 00:03:58,753 We don't get Milton Berle here. 58 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:01,458 - Will you be here long, uh, Doctor? - No. 59 00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:05,526 Our country wants as many physicians as possible to study combat surgery... 60 00:04:05,638 --> 00:04:08,436 so we are rotating on very short tours of duty. 61 00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:13,103 Ah, Sweden... the jewel in the crown of Scandinavia. 62 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,146 Charles loves the Swedish people, don't you, Charles? 63 00:04:15,247 --> 00:04:17,875 - With a passion. - Many's the time he's told us about Christina. 64 00:04:17,983 --> 00:04:20,850 - Remember Christina, huh? [Chuckles] - Don't play. [Chuckles] 65 00:04:22,555 --> 00:04:24,819 Christina is our scullery maid at home... 66 00:04:24,924 --> 00:04:28,052 rosy cheeks, buxom, devilish personality. 67 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,560 She drove me wild as a teenager. 68 00:04:30,663 --> 00:04:33,655 Of course, later, I got a look at her mother when she came to visit. 69 00:04:33,766 --> 00:04:37,702 You know how lumpy Swedish women can become in later life. 70 00:04:37,803 --> 00:04:40,431 [Charles Laughs, Then Stops Abruptly] 71 00:04:40,539 --> 00:04:42,803 Course, that would never... happen to you. 72 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:46,901 - Well, I hope not, anyway. - Good night, Charles. 73 00:04:47,012 --> 00:04:49,810 - You would never allow yourself to get... - It's too late now. 74 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,475 - Lumpy. - Bye. 75 00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:57,149 [Both Laughing] 76 00:04:58,491 --> 00:05:00,516 - Where did you get him? - We're trying him out. 77 00:05:00,626 --> 00:05:03,151 We think he can replace dysentery. 78 00:05:03,295 --> 00:05:06,128 Okay, bunkies. I'm gonna need your utmost cooperation. 79 00:05:06,232 --> 00:05:10,259 I have persuaded Inga to come over here and join me for a little doctor talk. 80 00:05:10,369 --> 00:05:12,667 - Is that faster than a speeding bullet? - Nice. 81 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,399 Face it, Pierce. She was far more attracted to me... 82 00:05:15,508 --> 00:05:17,499 until you began assassinating my character. 83 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:21,046 - You assassinated his character? - Yeah. I let him talk. 84 00:05:21,147 --> 00:05:24,241 Pierce, if I have ever led you to believe that you are... 85 00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:26,284 in any way above contempt... 86 00:05:26,385 --> 00:05:29,786 I am profoundly sorry! 87 00:05:29,889 --> 00:05:31,857 I love the way he sweeps out of a room. 88 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,551 Breaks my heart to see such good friends quarrel. 89 00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:37,185 All he's got is drums and cannons. 90 00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:41,130 - I want her to melt, not keel over. - Try the "Arioso" by Bach. 91 00:05:41,233 --> 00:05:43,133 Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime. 92 00:05:43,235 --> 00:05:46,762 - Is that really romantic? - Ever seen my baby pictures? 93 00:05:46,872 --> 00:05:49,033 Uh, listen. Are you gonna be leaving soon? 94 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:52,907 I find it difficult to entertain a guest of the female persuasion while you sew your underwear. 95 00:05:53,012 --> 00:05:55,776 - [Chuckles] - [Classical] 96 00:05:55,881 --> 00:05:57,781 [Chuckles] That's beautiful. 97 00:05:57,883 --> 00:05:59,874 [Chuckling Continues] 98 00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,415 What do you think a Swede would go for? 99 00:06:03,522 --> 00:06:05,922 Something that looks like rosé or something that looks like burgundy? 100 00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:08,050 - Mmm, burgundy. - [Knocking] 101 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,458 Okay. 102 00:06:10,563 --> 00:06:12,497 - Hello. - Am I too early? 103 00:06:12,598 --> 00:06:14,930 No, you're perfect. 104 00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:17,502 Uh, this is my unavoidable bunkmate, B.J. Hunnicutt. 105 00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:19,662 - Hello. I'm Inga Halvorsen. - Hi. 106 00:06:19,772 --> 00:06:22,639 - What are you sewing? - He's working on a new flag. Bye. 107 00:06:22,741 --> 00:06:26,370 Oh, really? I sew too. It keeps my fingers nimble for surgery. 108 00:06:26,478 --> 00:06:28,776 Funny, I do surgery to keep up on my sewing. 109 00:06:28,881 --> 00:06:32,044 He'd love to talk more, but he has a severe throat infection. 110 00:06:32,151 --> 00:06:36,110 Really? What are you taking for it? I know an ancient Swedish remedy. 111 00:06:36,222 --> 00:06:38,986 Oh, if only he could take it. He's allergic to Swedish. 112 00:06:39,091 --> 00:06:42,549 He faints at the sight of small meatballs. Amscray. 113 00:06:42,661 --> 00:06:45,255 Gee, with this throat infection, maybe I should get some sleep. 114 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,094 - How would you like to be put unconscious permanently? - [Laughs] 115 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,100 Actually, I was just leaving. Bye. 116 00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:52,670 Don't hurt yourself rushing out. 117 00:06:52,771 --> 00:06:57,231 - [Classical] - Oh, the "Arioso." I love that, don't you? 118 00:06:57,343 --> 00:06:59,903 Oh, it's been my favorite for quite a while. 119 00:07:00,012 --> 00:07:03,038 Um, a little red wine? 120 00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:05,708 Thank you. Mmm. 121 00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:11,415 I love wine. What is this? 122 00:07:11,523 --> 00:07:13,718 Uh, it's, uh, homemade. 123 00:07:13,826 --> 00:07:17,557 Uh, it's similar to wine, but it's, uh, not as unsanitary. 124 00:07:17,663 --> 00:07:19,858 Grapes grow in the dirt, you know. 125 00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:25,866 So. Um, I have brought my notebook. 126 00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:28,235 You don't mind if I take notes, do you? 127 00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:32,834 Take notes? Well, I'm good, but I'm not noteworthy. 128 00:07:32,945 --> 00:07:36,346 - Well, we are going to talk about medicine, aren't we? - Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. 129 00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:38,746 But there's no reason we can't have a few laughs too. 130 00:07:38,851 --> 00:07:42,184 You know what they say in the Reader's Digest, "Laughter is the best medicine." 131 00:07:42,288 --> 00:07:44,483 May I tell you something about your ears? Would that offend you? 132 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:47,320 - My ears? - Some people's ears just hang from their head... 133 00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:50,190 like a pair of wrinkled omelets. 134 00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:54,289 But yours draw back tenuously from your cheeks in gentle swirls. 135 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:59,030 I, uh, thought we were going to talk about Gray's Anatomy, not mine. 136 00:07:59,138 --> 00:08:02,073 Gray has a fabulous personality, but he's got no body whatsoever. 137 00:08:02,174 --> 00:08:05,041 - Doctor... - Spurn me, reject me, but lend me your ears. 138 00:08:05,144 --> 00:08:08,841 I think I will sit over here. [Chuckles] 139 00:08:10,582 --> 00:08:14,518 Now, how do you perform an end-to-end anastomosis? 140 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:17,748 - You really want to talk about surgery? - Yes. 141 00:08:17,856 --> 00:08:20,723 How about if I just show you my appendix scar? 142 00:08:20,826 --> 00:08:24,455 - Anastomosis. - Uh-huh. 143 00:08:24,563 --> 00:08:26,554 [Switches Off Phonograph] 144 00:08:29,168 --> 00:08:31,432 Okay, let's say this is the heart. 145 00:08:31,537 --> 00:08:35,598 There. One bladder, good as new. 146 00:08:35,708 --> 00:08:38,108 Do you do anything about the acetabulum? 147 00:08:38,210 --> 00:08:41,509 All we can do is put a cast and a five-cent stamp on him and get him back to Seoul. 148 00:08:41,613 --> 00:08:43,911 But his hip will fuse, and he will never have the same mobility. 149 00:08:44,016 --> 00:08:45,916 Yeah, I know. 150 00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:48,350 But you can rebuild the bone stock of the acetabulum. 151 00:08:48,454 --> 00:08:50,752 Do you have bone rongeurs and osteotomes? 152 00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:53,051 Right away, Doctor. Do you need bone clamps? 153 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:55,126 Lane clamps if you have them. 154 00:08:55,227 --> 00:08:57,821 Wait. We can't do anything fancy. I got people waiting for this table. 155 00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:00,763 - But it only takes an hour. - Oh. 156 00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:03,892 It's your decision, Captain, but if it only takes an hour, shouldn't we do it? 157 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:08,200 Let me show you what I mean. You have to reconstruct and create a shelf... 158 00:09:08,307 --> 00:09:10,366 to cover the head of the femur. 159 00:09:10,476 --> 00:09:14,537 Nurse, uh, close the skin for me, will you please? 160 00:09:14,646 --> 00:09:17,581 You build a shelf, do you... 161 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:20,208 out of the fragments? 162 00:09:20,319 --> 00:09:23,220 Ja. We've been doing it in Sweden for a year or so. 163 00:09:23,322 --> 00:09:27,588 You have to osteotomize the pelvis down into the sciatic notch. 164 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:30,389 - Colonel Potter, I think you ought to watch this. - On my way. 165 00:09:30,496 --> 00:09:36,230 - Finish the dressing, Kellye. - We have to be careful of the sciatic nerve. 166 00:09:36,335 --> 00:09:38,394 I can't leave the table. Can you describe it to me? 167 00:09:38,504 --> 00:09:41,302 We'll be taking some of the bone from the ilium... 168 00:09:41,407 --> 00:09:45,104 and using it as a wedge to hold the fragments in place. 169 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:48,338 Of course. Devilishly clever, huh, Pierce? 170 00:09:48,447 --> 00:09:51,109 - Yeah. Nifty. - This should come in very handy, Doctor. 171 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,184 Can you see from the back row, Pierce? 172 00:09:53,285 --> 00:09:57,085 Not too well, but I'll try to move down during intermission. 173 00:10:00,259 --> 00:10:03,695 Ah, Pierce. Recovered yet? 174 00:10:03,796 --> 00:10:08,256 - From what? - The great Benjamin Franklin Pierce bested by a mere woman. 175 00:10:11,603 --> 00:10:13,696 Women are far and away my favorite sex. 176 00:10:13,806 --> 00:10:15,774 Come off it, Pierce. You can't stand it. 177 00:10:15,874 --> 00:10:18,308 I saw you in there, seething with resentment. 178 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:22,312 What are you, nuts? She's a doctor. She had a better procedure, and she showed us. 179 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,780 Charles, why do you insist on seeing the worst in people? 180 00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:28,614 - What I didn't like was the way she did it. - On the other hand... 181 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,621 No, really. She could have shown a little more consideration. 182 00:10:31,723 --> 00:10:33,657 She could have done it quietly. 183 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,693 All of a sudden she's in an amphitheater. 184 00:10:35,794 --> 00:10:38,024 I was about as useful in there as an umbrella stand. 185 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:40,826 - So that's all that bothered you, huh? The way she did it. - Yeah. 186 00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:44,232 I've got a big piece of news for you, Captain. Charles is right. 187 00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:47,328 The fact that she's a woman is what gets you. 188 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,407 - You must be kidding. - Oh, you love the women. 189 00:10:49,508 --> 00:10:53,444 As long as they're cute and charming and following orders, you're happy as a clam. 190 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:56,105 You're fine with the handmaidens, but let a woman be an equal... 191 00:10:56,215 --> 00:10:58,342 Really makes your hair fall out, doesn't it? 192 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,315 Margaret, could you find a better simile? 193 00:11:00,419 --> 00:11:02,387 I haven't treated you like a professional? 194 00:11:02,488 --> 00:11:04,513 All you think about with women is one thing. 195 00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:07,387 - In some cases, not even one. - Hard smash to your left, Margaret. 196 00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:09,893 That's supposed to cut me to the quick, right? 197 00:11:09,995 --> 00:11:13,328 You've got a yardstick that's three letters high... S-E-X. 198 00:11:13,432 --> 00:11:15,400 And you measure every woman in the camp by it. 199 00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:17,935 - Great backhand. - What are you getting so excited about? 200 00:11:18,036 --> 00:11:20,300 I'm sick and tired of the way you chase the nurses! 201 00:11:20,405 --> 00:11:23,169 Now that you've met a woman who's on your own professional level... 202 00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:25,903 - I'm loving every minute of it. - As am I. 203 00:11:26,011 --> 00:11:29,344 - Yeah, well, you're talking through your hat. - It's a small camp, Captain. 204 00:11:29,448 --> 00:11:32,008 I know all about your attempted tryst last night... 205 00:11:32,117 --> 00:11:34,677 and I happen to know how it turned out. 206 00:11:36,054 --> 00:11:38,181 Margaret, I have something really pithy to say to you... 207 00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:40,258 but I think we should step outside first. 208 00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:45,594 - Fight. Fight. Fight. - Oh, close your hole! - Quiet! 209 00:11:45,697 --> 00:11:48,222 How dare you do that to me in front of a roomful of people? 210 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,392 - I have to work with them! - You'll work with them a lot better... 211 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:52,402 when you start treating them like people! 212 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,836 Don't hand me that baloney. You're not standing up for her as a woman. 213 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:57,568 - You're really jealous of her, aren't you? - Jealous of her? 214 00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:01,578 - Olive green. - Over you? Don't be an ass. 215 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,979 You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you? 216 00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:09,782 - You're raving. - You think a woman is dead until she lives for you. 217 00:12:09,888 --> 00:12:12,186 Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin. 218 00:12:12,291 --> 00:12:14,782 We actually survive without you. 219 00:12:14,893 --> 00:12:17,862 We live, we breathe, we dream... 220 00:12:17,963 --> 00:12:20,158 we do our work, we earn our pay. 221 00:12:20,265 --> 00:12:23,860 Sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together... 222 00:12:23,969 --> 00:12:27,928 all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! 223 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,031 And let me tell you something else, buster! 224 00:12:30,142 --> 00:12:33,111 I can walk into that kitchen any time I want... 225 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:37,978 and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver! 226 00:12:39,184 --> 00:12:41,084 [All Cheering] 227 00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:46,723 [Knocking] 228 00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:51,953 - May I come in? - Sure. Hi. 229 00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:55,522 I was thinking about this morning in the operating room... 230 00:12:55,634 --> 00:12:59,536 - and... I want to apologize. - For what? 231 00:12:59,638 --> 00:13:02,266 Well, l... I believe I hurt your feelings. 232 00:13:02,374 --> 00:13:04,308 - L-I didn't mean to. - No, no, no, listen. 233 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,468 I should be apologizing to you. 234 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:09,274 I've been reading a journal on that operation. You've got us beat in Sweden. 235 00:13:09,381 --> 00:13:13,112 But perhaps I was a little abrupt, no? 236 00:13:13,218 --> 00:13:17,086 My father was a doctor, and he trained me to think of the patient first... 237 00:13:17,189 --> 00:13:19,487 and, um, courtesy second. 238 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:23,322 - So did mine. You did what I would've done. - You don't mind, really? 239 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:27,524 - Well, I may need a little plastic surgery on my male ego. - [Laughs] 240 00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:30,227 I hear I was upset because I have trouble learning from a woman. 241 00:13:30,335 --> 00:13:34,795 - Ja, that's... what I hear too. - Yeah, well, it's a small camp. 242 00:13:34,906 --> 00:13:38,069 When you put your boots on, you have to ask the person who's in them to move over. 243 00:13:38,176 --> 00:13:40,201 [Laughs] 244 00:13:40,312 --> 00:13:44,146 Listen, I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to rush you. 245 00:13:44,249 --> 00:13:47,582 Well, you know... 246 00:13:47,686 --> 00:13:51,122 - I've been thinking about that too. - Yeah? 247 00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:55,592 Ja, the... the music and the candlelight. [Chuckles] 248 00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:58,094 - That was really quite sweet. - Yeah? 249 00:13:58,196 --> 00:14:00,164 Yeah. 250 00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:02,699 I've been thinking about your hands. 251 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:06,328 You know, the way you notice ears, I notice hands. 252 00:14:06,438 --> 00:14:09,601 They're good, sensitive surgeon's hands. 253 00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:12,199 Yeah, well, they do make a good place to keep my gloves. 254 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,437 - [Both Chuckle] - You like to laugh too. 255 00:14:14,546 --> 00:14:16,639 - [Chuckles] - I like that. 256 00:14:16,748 --> 00:14:18,648 Mmm. 257 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:21,082 Hello. 258 00:14:22,721 --> 00:14:25,019 - Sit. - Sit. Okay. Thanks. 259 00:14:27,592 --> 00:14:29,651 - Uh. - Mmm. 260 00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:38,393 - Can I ask you something? - Of course. 261 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,199 When you go dancing, who leads? 262 00:14:44,242 --> 00:14:46,107 - I've done it again, haven't I? - Ja. 263 00:14:46,211 --> 00:14:48,611 - Maybe I should leave. - No, no. Look. I'm sorry. Really. 264 00:14:48,714 --> 00:14:53,083 - I didn't know what I was saying. Besides, I didn't mean it. - Excuse me. Good-bye. 265 00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:58,419 Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy, yoy-yoy-yoy. I did it again. I did it again! 266 00:14:58,557 --> 00:15:02,653 There's nothing wrong with taking your cue from the female of the species. 267 00:15:02,761 --> 00:15:05,059 Now, take the sea horse. 268 00:15:05,163 --> 00:15:07,825 The male gives birth to the babies... 269 00:15:07,933 --> 00:15:10,424 and the mommy brings home the underwater bacon. 270 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,765 I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever attracted to a sea horse. 271 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:16,432 Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. 272 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:20,568 And the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. 273 00:15:20,679 --> 00:15:24,115 - Right. - Are you as miserable as you look? 274 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:27,379 Well, it seems I had another little run-in with my ego last night. 275 00:15:27,486 --> 00:15:30,080 - I know. - Everybody knows. 276 00:15:30,188 --> 00:15:32,486 Small place. 277 00:15:32,591 --> 00:15:34,616 Look, I've learned a lot of things from women. 278 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,160 I've learned a lot of real nice things from women. 279 00:15:37,262 --> 00:15:39,560 There's a lady in Seoul who taught me to play "Begin the Beguine"... 280 00:15:39,664 --> 00:15:42,633 - without the aid of a musical instrument. - It's not the same. 281 00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,430 Peg and I have always had a kind of equal partnership. 282 00:15:45,537 --> 00:15:48,597 We just took it for granted. We made our decisions together. 283 00:15:48,707 --> 00:15:50,868 While I'm here, she makes 'em without me. 284 00:15:50,976 --> 00:15:53,001 She just picked up a piece of property back home... 285 00:15:53,111 --> 00:15:56,205 - that's gonna be worth a bundle in a couple years. - Yeah? 286 00:15:56,314 --> 00:15:58,339 Well, if she didn't have a mind of her own... 287 00:15:58,450 --> 00:16:01,886 we'd be quite a bit poorer right now... in more ways than one. 288 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:05,355 I'll try to remember that. 289 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,160 Ah, sir, I just want to tell you. 290 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:12,787 I heard about your little run-in with that lady of the opposite sex... 291 00:16:12,898 --> 00:16:16,095 and I just want you to know I support you 100%. 292 00:16:16,201 --> 00:16:20,865 Can I have a show of hands of everybody here who knows about my personal problems? 293 00:16:20,972 --> 00:16:24,772 I mean it. You're right. Men are men, and women are women. 294 00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:27,367 You start mixing them up, and you won't be able to tell who's who. 295 00:16:27,479 --> 00:16:30,414 - You stick to your guns, Captain. - Thanks for the advice. 296 00:16:30,515 --> 00:16:32,813 - It means a lot coming from a man wearing organdy. - Mmm. 297 00:16:36,421 --> 00:16:39,015 - I also heard. - Why not? 298 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:43,618 Actually, my only advice would be that you try to avoid the occasion of sin. 299 00:16:43,728 --> 00:16:46,629 But from what I hear, you seem to be avoiding it just fine. 300 00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,699 - Thank you. - Don't mention it. 301 00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:50,859 Obviously, in these less than modern conditions... 302 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:53,961 we must pay particular attention to the incidence of infection. 303 00:16:54,072 --> 00:16:57,166 This man, for example, I put on penicillin... 304 00:16:57,275 --> 00:16:59,835 which I see was administered on time. 305 00:16:59,945 --> 00:17:01,845 Very good work, my dear. 306 00:17:01,947 --> 00:17:04,438 Every once in a while, it's smart to pat them on the back. 307 00:17:04,549 --> 00:17:07,313 - [Gasping] - Doctor, he's choking! 308 00:17:07,419 --> 00:17:10,616 - Something must be lodged in the trachea. - [Gasping Continues] 309 00:17:12,624 --> 00:17:14,751 Shh, shh, shh. 310 00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:18,159 - Get me an emergency tray. I'll do a tracheotomy. - You don't have to cut him open. 311 00:17:18,263 --> 00:17:21,460 - Get me some l... I.V. Adrenaline, please. - What are you doing? 312 00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:24,091 Well, look at him... giant hives, swollen tongue. 313 00:17:24,202 --> 00:17:26,295 He's having a reaction to the penicillin. 314 00:17:26,404 --> 00:17:28,804 - [Gasping Continues] - Now, just a moment, my dear. 315 00:17:28,907 --> 00:17:31,808 If he goes into an anaphylactic shock, he will have four minutes before his brain is damaged. 316 00:17:31,910 --> 00:17:34,003 - Somebody get me that damn adrenaline! - Now, just a moment! 317 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:36,637 I am aware how much time we have before brain damage occurs. 318 00:17:36,748 --> 00:17:39,308 - It is my considered opinion... - Adrenaline, Doctor. 319 00:17:39,417 --> 00:17:42,477 - I asked you for an emergency tray. - [Gasping Continues] 320 00:17:42,587 --> 00:17:44,851 Have you ever seen a reaction to penicillin, Doctor? 321 00:17:44,956 --> 00:17:47,823 - I have seen mild ones, yes. - Well, this is a severe one. 322 00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:50,622 - In your opinion! - He's breathing better. 323 00:17:50,729 --> 00:17:53,289 Ja, of course, it's only my opinion. 324 00:17:53,398 --> 00:17:55,298 - [Gasping Subsides] - He's coming around. 325 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,300 He'll be all right. 326 00:17:58,503 --> 00:18:02,530 Well, Doctor, I must say... 327 00:18:02,641 --> 00:18:05,508 that your opinion was a pretty good opinion. 328 00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:08,170 You were right, and I was wrong. 329 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:13,582 I shall always be grateful for the assistance that you've given me here today. 330 00:18:13,685 --> 00:18:15,653 That woman! 331 00:18:15,754 --> 00:18:18,882 That inconsiderate, unconscionable... 332 00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:22,391 conceited, arrogant, pushy woman. 333 00:18:22,494 --> 00:18:24,587 Charles, what are you screaming about? She saved a guy's neck. 334 00:18:24,696 --> 00:18:27,790 Yes. And right under my nose too! 335 00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:30,800 You know something? This is very instructive. Rant on, Charles. 336 00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:33,735 And that underhanded little nurse! 337 00:18:33,838 --> 00:18:35,931 Naturally, they... they stick together... 338 00:18:36,041 --> 00:18:38,373 anything to undermine the authority of a man. 339 00:18:38,476 --> 00:18:41,274 - Ah, that old familiar tune. - Let me tell you something, Charles. 340 00:18:41,379 --> 00:18:43,347 You think women are only good for one thing. 341 00:18:43,448 --> 00:18:47,680 Oh, don't be absurd, Pierce. I respect and I admire the sex. 342 00:18:47,786 --> 00:18:50,050 Sure! As long as they're your handmaidens. 343 00:18:50,155 --> 00:18:53,716 As long as they tell you what a great guy you are and carry out your every whim. 344 00:18:53,825 --> 00:18:56,794 You know something, Charles? Sitting here listening to you spout your bilge... 345 00:18:56,895 --> 00:19:00,353 I get a picture clear and sharp of the world's most perfect ass. 346 00:19:00,465 --> 00:19:02,330 Are you referring to me? 347 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:06,461 - I'm referring to me. - Well, that's better. 348 00:19:06,571 --> 00:19:09,039 Oh, don't feel bad, Charles. You're just as perfect. 349 00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:12,234 You were terrific in there. Boy, the way you told off Charles. 350 00:19:12,344 --> 00:19:14,835 - I did what? - Keep up the good work. 351 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:21,245 Inga. It's Hawkeye. Can I talk to you for a minute? 352 00:19:21,353 --> 00:19:24,151 [Orchestral: Traditional Swedish] 353 00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:30,823 - Are you all right? - Oh, ja. 354 00:19:30,929 --> 00:19:34,490 Except, I made the mistake of helping Dr. Winchester's patient. 355 00:19:34,599 --> 00:19:36,863 - I heard. - [Continues] 356 00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:41,166 What was I supposed to do? Let him cut open the boy's neck when it wasn't necessary? 357 00:19:41,272 --> 00:19:44,036 You were supposed to do what you did. Don't ever play dumb, please. 358 00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:46,269 Why do men do that? 359 00:19:46,378 --> 00:19:50,678 Why do they make it so hard for us to be just who we are? 360 00:19:50,782 --> 00:19:53,876 I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Charles, and I'm sorry about me. 361 00:19:56,021 --> 00:19:58,785 And I've been thinking a lot about last night too. 362 00:19:58,890 --> 00:20:00,881 I can't believe I pulled back from you like that. 363 00:20:00,992 --> 00:20:04,257 Ja. Well, I couldn't believe it either. 364 00:20:04,362 --> 00:20:07,957 If it would help to put your head on somebody's shoulder, I promise you I won't pull away. 365 00:20:10,201 --> 00:20:13,796 I'll try not to scare you. 366 00:20:15,974 --> 00:20:17,965 - Here I come. - [Chuckles] 367 00:20:18,076 --> 00:20:22,342 - [Continues] - What's that song? I've never heard it before. 368 00:20:22,447 --> 00:20:25,541 [Chuckles] It's Swedish. 369 00:20:27,385 --> 00:20:30,252 Whenever I'm low, I play it. It reminds me of home. 370 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:34,018 - It's sad and funny at the same time. - Ja. 371 00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:37,356 There's a traditional dance that goes with it. 372 00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:39,862 It's very sweet. 373 00:20:40,965 --> 00:20:44,401 - Will you teach me? - Oh. Are you sure? 374 00:20:44,502 --> 00:20:46,561 - Yeah, please. - [Chuckles] 375 00:20:46,671 --> 00:20:51,199 All right. Now, put your hand there. That's right, on my back. 376 00:20:51,309 --> 00:20:55,336 And I'm here. Then... And here and here. 377 00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,677 That's right. Good. Now, it's... 378 00:20:57,782 --> 00:21:01,411 one-two-three, hold, one-two-three, hold. 379 00:21:01,519 --> 00:21:03,885 - Turn. All right? Are you ready? - Yeah. 380 00:21:03,988 --> 00:21:08,049 All right. One-two-three, hold, one-two-three, hold. 381 00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:10,627 - Turn! Ow! Ow! - Oh, oh, I'm... I'm sorry. My feet are all thumbs. 382 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,856 Oh. The only way this is going to work at all... 383 00:21:13,965 --> 00:21:15,865 is if you let me lead. 384 00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:17,867 - I told you it would come to this. - Ja. 385 00:21:17,969 --> 00:21:19,869 All right. Okay, come on, come on. 386 00:21:19,971 --> 00:21:22,906 All right. Now, you put your hand here. I put my hand here. 387 00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:25,305 That's right. Now, you're inside, and I'm outside. 388 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:27,640 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, That's good. That's good. Now... 389 00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:31,738 it's one-two-three, hold, one-two-three, turn. 390 00:21:31,850 --> 00:21:33,943 - Oh, you're not letting me lead! - I'm trying. I'm trying. 391 00:21:34,052 --> 00:21:37,044 - Ow! Ow! I stepped on myself! - Let's try it again. 392 00:21:37,155 --> 00:21:39,055 - Okay, okay. - Come on. 393 00:21:39,157 --> 00:21:43,924 Good. And, one-two-three, hold. One-two-three, turn. 394 00:21:44,028 --> 00:21:46,519 - Two, three, four! - Ah. Ah? 395 00:21:46,631 --> 00:21:49,259 - Ja.! - [Both Laughing] 396 00:21:50,368 --> 00:21:53,132 - Hey, that was kind of fun. - Ja. 397 00:21:53,238 --> 00:21:57,140 - This is kind of fun too. - I think when all is said and done... 398 00:21:57,242 --> 00:21:59,767 we're gonna have a lot more fun than we ever thought we would. 399 00:21:59,878 --> 00:22:02,369 Hmm. 400 00:22:04,349 --> 00:22:06,283 [Man On p.A.] Sorry, folks. Wounded. 401 00:22:06,384 --> 00:22:09,547 We need a full contingent for triage. Tout suite! 402 00:22:10,588 --> 00:22:12,522 - Ah, damn. - Oh. 403 00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:15,252 Look, we'll only be in surgery for 10 or 12 hours. 404 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,692 Let's come right back here and pick up where we left off, okay? 405 00:22:17,795 --> 00:22:20,320 Oh, I'm sorry. I can't. 406 00:22:20,431 --> 00:22:22,331 I have to go in another five or six hours. 407 00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:26,733 I've been assigned to the Norwegian hospital ship for tomorrow afternoon. 408 00:22:26,838 --> 00:22:29,568 - You're leaving? - Ja, well... 409 00:22:29,674 --> 00:22:34,304 - I was only supposed to stay here for a short time. - And I wasted all of it. 410 00:22:36,047 --> 00:22:38,447 Let's start dancing again, so I can kick myself. 411 00:22:43,454 --> 00:22:47,652 Will I see you again? Will you ever come to Sweden? 412 00:22:47,759 --> 00:22:50,592 If I ever get outta here, I will. 413 00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:55,588 Well, for now at least, we can work together for a few hours. 414 00:22:57,368 --> 00:23:01,361 - Side by side? - Ja. Partners. 415 00:23:01,472 --> 00:23:04,202 [Chuckles] 416 00:23:04,309 --> 00:23:06,209 [Phonograph Needle Scratching] 417 00:23:13,952 --> 00:23:16,318 Didn't you know the movie just went on in the Mess Tent? 418 00:23:16,421 --> 00:23:19,015 - Yeah, Casablanca. - With Humphrey Bogart. 419 00:23:19,123 --> 00:23:21,455 And Ingrid Bergman. 420 00:23:21,559 --> 00:23:24,528 I don't think I'm strong enough to hear a Swedish accent for a while. 421 00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:29,128 It was kinda rough for you, wasn't it? 422 00:23:29,234 --> 00:23:31,862 "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world... 423 00:23:31,970 --> 00:23:35,929 - she had to walk into mine." - Come on. See the movie. 424 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,567 - Nah, I'm all right. - I'll buy you popcorn. 425 00:23:42,847 --> 00:23:45,338 You're gonna pull me through this in spite of myself, aren't ya? 426 00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:47,350 Why not? 427 00:23:47,452 --> 00:23:49,920 "You know, Louis, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship." 428 00:23:50,021 --> 00:23:52,251 [Margaret Laughs]