1 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:55,939 [Mulcahy Narrating] Sunday. Dear Sis. 2 00:00:56,048 --> 00:00:57,948 Received your letter. 3 00:00:58,050 --> 00:01:01,645 It's a shame Sister Lombardi was transferred to St. Cecilia. 4 00:01:01,754 --> 00:01:05,246 I know the basketball team will miss her hook shot. 5 00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:08,816 As I write this, no one has shown up for my 10:00 ecumenical service... 6 00:01:08,928 --> 00:01:11,123 but I'm not disappointed yet. 7 00:01:11,230 --> 00:01:13,130 - It's only 11:30. - [Vehicle Approaching] 8 00:01:13,232 --> 00:01:17,828 I guess my sermon is not exactly what you'd call a hot ticket. 9 00:01:17,937 --> 00:01:21,839 I realize, Sis, that you'll get this letter around Ash Wednesday... 10 00:01:21,941 --> 00:01:24,341 but here it's the week before Christmas. 11 00:01:24,443 --> 00:01:26,673 It's a time of anticipation and hope. 12 00:01:26,779 --> 00:01:29,077 [Man On p.A.] Choppers.! All hands report to the pen. 13 00:01:29,181 --> 00:01:31,843 [Mulcahy] Unfortunately, it's also the time when both sides... 14 00:01:31,951 --> 00:01:36,615 get in as much destruction as they can before the Christmas truce. 15 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,714 When you're faced with such overwhelming physical misery... 16 00:01:39,825 --> 00:01:43,556 itjust doesn't seem enough to offer spiritual comfort. 17 00:01:43,663 --> 00:01:46,689 I keep wanting to do more, but more is never enough. 18 00:01:46,799 --> 00:01:49,859 - Has this man had morphine? - Yes, sir. I gave him a quarter grain. 19 00:01:49,969 --> 00:01:53,234 Perky son of a gun, isn't he? Would you give us a hand here, Father? 20 00:01:53,339 --> 00:01:56,274 Why, certainly, Colonel. Calm down, son. Everything's gonna be... 21 00:01:56,375 --> 00:02:00,311 - [Choking] - I'd like to help you there, Father, but I'm sterile. 22 00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:02,313 [Patient] They're not putting me to sleep. 23 00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:04,906 [Mulcahy] What exactly concerns you about going to sleep? 24 00:02:05,017 --> 00:02:08,612 - Waking up. - Can we get on with this? My arches are killin' me. 25 00:02:08,721 --> 00:02:12,680 Son, you're going to be fine. You just have to have a little faith. 26 00:02:12,792 --> 00:02:14,919 Are you Catholic? Jewish? 27 00:02:15,027 --> 00:02:17,154 I'm not anything. I'm just scared. 28 00:02:17,263 --> 00:02:20,596 You're going to have to believe, whether you believe or not. 29 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:24,261 Fortunately, you've fallen into the hands of the best medical unit in Korea. 30 00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:26,270 I swear it. 31 00:02:26,372 --> 00:02:29,000 Just have a little faith in these doctors. 32 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:32,134 Just a little. Try, okay? 33 00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:34,474 Well, okay. 34 00:02:36,382 --> 00:02:38,816 [Sighs] 35 00:02:38,918 --> 00:02:42,718 There. I don't think he'll be giving you any more trouble. 36 00:02:42,822 --> 00:02:46,223 Probably not. While you were locked in his arms, I gave him another quarter grain. 37 00:02:46,325 --> 00:02:49,692 - You did? - Couldn't have done it without you, Father. 38 00:02:50,830 --> 00:02:54,197 Yes. Thank goodness for me. 39 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:59,294 I have absolutely no strength left. 40 00:02:59,405 --> 00:03:02,704 My white corpuscles are tattletale gray. 41 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,800 There are mushrooms growing on the back of my tongue. 42 00:03:05,911 --> 00:03:08,038 Gentlemen, I hate to impose on you. 43 00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:12,345 - I know what a terribly long time you've spent in O.R. - Long time? 44 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,011 I've been breathing through that mask for so long... 45 00:03:15,121 --> 00:03:17,589 - there's a pound of lint in my nose. - You don't say? 46 00:03:17,690 --> 00:03:20,750 - What's the scam, Father? - St. Theresa's orphanage. 47 00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:23,658 I'd like to run into Seoul and buy them some toys for Christmas. 48 00:03:23,763 --> 00:03:28,097 How do you do it? Fourteen hours in O.R., and you're bright as a nickel in the well water. 49 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,600 Well, I haven't really done anything yet. 50 00:03:30,703 --> 00:03:33,263 I mean, of consequence. How about it? 51 00:03:33,372 --> 00:03:37,331 Anybody got any used money to trade in for a fresh, warm glow? 52 00:03:37,443 --> 00:03:40,571 - Take 20, Father. - Here. Whatever you can find in there is yours. 53 00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:45,139 Oh, sure, be nicer than thou. Here, Father. Take my shirt and my pants. 54 00:03:45,251 --> 00:03:47,219 That certainly is generous, boys. 55 00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:50,117 Here's 14 bucks, Father. Catch me later, and I'll sweeten that. 56 00:03:50,222 --> 00:03:52,816 - Bless you. Major? - Father. 57 00:03:52,925 --> 00:03:55,951 Those children know nothing but hardship, Father. 58 00:03:56,062 --> 00:03:59,361 I will not raise their hopes, only to dash them again the day after Christmas. 59 00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:01,626 It is a useless gesture. 60 00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:05,101 I'll see your useless and raise their hopes. Put me down for another 10. 61 00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:09,300 - How about it, Major? - Sorry, Father. I guess I left my heart in my other pants. 62 00:04:09,408 --> 00:04:12,775 Your brains are in your pants. Your heart fell out with your hair. 63 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:16,473 I have the perfect Christmas gift for you, Pierce... 64 00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:18,777 crutches for your lame wit. 65 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:22,513 - Ha ha! - "Ha ha"? 66 00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:24,987 You scale the heights, Pierce. 67 00:04:25,091 --> 00:04:28,151 Allow me to take my leave before you decimate me with a "Says you"... 68 00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:30,820 or, God forbid, an "Oh, yeah?" 69 00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,490 Gentlemen. 70 00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:35,794 I don't know much about psychology... 71 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,631 but that man's butter has slipped off his noodles. 72 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,728 Oh, excuse me, sirs. 73 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,865 F-Father, could you come quick? It's Edna. 74 00:04:42,975 --> 00:04:46,138 She's never been pregnant before, and I think she could be in a lot of trouble. 75 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,578 Do you have a blessing you could give over the telephone? It would mean a lot to my mom. 76 00:04:49,682 --> 00:04:52,583 Well, certainly. Is Edna your sister? 77 00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:55,279 Uh, no, Father, she's our cow. 78 00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:58,845 It's an all-purpose blessing. 79 00:05:00,893 --> 00:05:03,760 - How dare you put yourself ahead of me! - Aaah! 80 00:05:03,863 --> 00:05:06,798 I have been waiting hours for my phone call to Boston... 81 00:05:06,899 --> 00:05:09,800 and I picked up this phone and found myself speaking to your mother! 82 00:05:09,902 --> 00:05:12,962 Geez, you didn't yell at her, did ya? She's got high blood pressure! 83 00:05:13,072 --> 00:05:16,974 - I did not raise my voice to your lovely mother. - You better didn't. 84 00:05:17,076 --> 00:05:20,876 Hi. Mom? Yeah, I got Father Mulcahy right here. 85 00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,915 Huh? He's, uh... 86 00:05:24,016 --> 00:05:26,985 you know, he's Catholic. 87 00:05:27,086 --> 00:05:30,749 Wh... I don't know. He's okay, Mom. 88 00:05:30,856 --> 00:05:33,916 Wait a minute. Uh, Father, you think you could do it in Methodist? 89 00:05:34,026 --> 00:05:37,257 I'm a piano player, Radar. I'll transpose. 90 00:05:37,363 --> 00:05:39,558 Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. 91 00:05:39,665 --> 00:05:41,565 Yes. 92 00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,659 Well, thank you. Some of mine are Methodists. 93 00:05:44,770 --> 00:05:46,795 She don't mean no harm. 94 00:05:48,107 --> 00:05:51,838 Heavenly Father, grant us... Hmm? 95 00:05:51,944 --> 00:05:55,539 Oh! Oh, yes, certainly, if you like. 96 00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:59,379 She's holding the phone out so that the cow can hear it. 97 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:02,511 - She's doing what? - Our cow is in labor. 98 00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:05,954 You held up a phone call from my sister... 99 00:06:06,058 --> 00:06:08,458 so that he could bless a cow? 100 00:06:08,561 --> 00:06:11,394 Well, cows are people too, you know. 101 00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:13,624 And I'm arguing with him. 102 00:06:13,732 --> 00:06:15,700 Heavenly Father... 103 00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:18,292 grant us through your divine intercession... 104 00:06:18,404 --> 00:06:21,396 the guidance which we so urgently need in this... 105 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:24,237 Hmm? 106 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,573 - She is? - Wh-What's the matter? 107 00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:30,638 - She's giving birth. - Oh! Oh, gee, the vet isn't even there yet! 108 00:06:30,749 --> 00:06:33,411 Mom? Yeah? 109 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,510 Oh, it's comin' out backwards! 110 00:06:35,621 --> 00:06:37,282 Like everything else around here. 111 00:06:37,389 --> 00:06:40,381 Wait a minute, Mom! I got a doctor right here! 112 00:06:40,492 --> 00:06:43,154 - Don't you dare! - Come on. I don't want my mom to go through this alone. 113 00:06:43,262 --> 00:06:46,322 - You're a doctor. You gotta! - Give me the phone, please. 114 00:06:46,432 --> 00:06:48,559 Thank you. 115 00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:50,999 Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. 116 00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:55,506 Yes. Yes, I am a doctor, but I'm Presbyterian. Will that be all right? 117 00:06:55,608 --> 00:06:59,271 Wonderful. All right. Please describe the situation. 118 00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:02,006 Thanks anyway, Father. I know you did the best you could. 119 00:07:02,114 --> 00:07:04,605 Well, actually, I had a wonderful finish. 120 00:07:04,717 --> 00:07:07,618 Uh-huh. All right. Now listen carefully, Mrs. O'Reilly. 121 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:12,453 You're gonna have to put your hand inside the cow and turn the calf around. 122 00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:15,026 Oh! Ew! Ick! 123 00:07:15,127 --> 00:07:17,857 Oooh! [Groaning] Oh, Father! 124 00:07:17,963 --> 00:07:21,660 Oooh! Oh, boy! Oh, ick! 125 00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:24,565 [Mulcahy Narrating] I'm almost desperate to be useful, Sis. 126 00:07:24,670 --> 00:07:27,002 No one comes for confession. 127 00:07:27,106 --> 00:07:30,473 I have no one to grant absolution to, no one to give comfort to... 128 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:33,909 no one who even wants to bend my ear for 10 minutes. 129 00:07:34,013 --> 00:07:37,574 At times like this, I head straight for the bar at the Officers Club. 130 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,117 Thanks for the suds, Father. I can really use it. 131 00:07:40,219 --> 00:07:43,211 Not at all, Klinger. You look a little down in the dumps. 132 00:07:43,322 --> 00:07:45,882 Yeah. Well, I don't wanna bore you, Father. 133 00:07:45,991 --> 00:07:49,188 Oh, not at all. Not at all. Bore away. 134 00:07:50,829 --> 00:07:53,992 Well, it's Christmas, and I'm thinking ofToledo. 135 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,033 Mm-hmm. 136 00:07:56,135 --> 00:07:59,662 And I'm dreaming about this Christmas tree, 10 feet high... 137 00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:03,765 - Ah! - Strung with an endless chain of Paco's Hungarian hot dogs. 138 00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,606 - Mm-hmm. - And up on top... 139 00:08:06,712 --> 00:08:10,773 dressed like an angel, is my ex-wife Laverne. 140 00:08:10,883 --> 00:08:12,874 Uh-huh. That sounds nice, Klinger. 141 00:08:12,985 --> 00:08:16,546 Except for one thing: I hate Laverne. 142 00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,623 That's what depresses me, Father. 143 00:08:18,724 --> 00:08:21,454 I'm sitting here, thinking about what a wonderful Christmas it would be... 144 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,529 - if only I was with Laverne, if only I didn't hate Laverne... - Mm-hmm. 145 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,190 If only she didn't ask for it, the way she walked out on me. 146 00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:29,824 That's quite a string of"if onlys." 147 00:08:29,935 --> 00:08:32,335 You know, in the Book ofJob... 148 00:08:32,438 --> 00:08:36,238 - Father, can I have another one of these? - I'll be right back. 149 00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:39,072 He thinks he's got problems. 150 00:08:39,178 --> 00:08:42,636 - Care to talk about it, Major? - You sure you wanna hear? 151 00:08:42,748 --> 00:08:44,739 I'm an entire ear. 152 00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:49,412 - How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father? - My religion forbids it. 153 00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:53,548 - Father, you want to put a head on this? - Hold that thought. 154 00:08:55,828 --> 00:08:58,228 She thinks she has problems. 155 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:01,663 I grew up with Laverne. We used to steal candy together. 156 00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:05,703 We were very close, Father. I still wear one of her dresses. 157 00:09:05,804 --> 00:09:09,365 My son, try not to hang on to the past. 158 00:09:09,475 --> 00:09:13,377 - RememberJoseph and his brother... - Do you have any pretzels? 159 00:09:13,479 --> 00:09:15,379 I'll be right back. 160 00:09:15,481 --> 00:09:18,780 [Humming] 161 00:09:21,253 --> 00:09:24,154 - Yes. - I'm a generous woman, Father. 162 00:09:24,256 --> 00:09:26,383 I don't give halfway. 163 00:09:26,492 --> 00:09:30,451 And what did I get from him? A mental, physical and spiritual zilch. 164 00:09:30,562 --> 00:09:34,555 - Uh, well, you know, we don't always get what we want. - Uh-huh. 165 00:09:34,666 --> 00:09:37,897 Jacob toiled for seven years in order to marry Rachel... 166 00:09:38,003 --> 00:09:41,234 and then her father slipped him Leah, the blear-eyed one. 167 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,570 Small potatoes, Father. Pardon my Latin. 168 00:09:43,675 --> 00:09:45,666 - Father. - Uh, uh, coming. 169 00:09:45,778 --> 00:09:47,712 J-J-J... Uh... 170 00:09:47,813 --> 00:09:49,713 Well, now, where were we? 171 00:09:49,815 --> 00:09:52,784 Job orJoseph? Let me try a littleJoseph on you. 172 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,048 You know what I want for Christmas, Father? I want to forget. 173 00:09:56,155 --> 00:09:58,055 - Yes, well... - What do you want? 174 00:09:58,157 --> 00:10:01,388 - Father.! - Uh, roller skates. 175 00:10:03,028 --> 00:10:05,792 [Mulcahy Narrating] I do give last rites to the dying, Sis. 176 00:10:05,898 --> 00:10:08,731 But if only there was something I could do for the living. 177 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:11,735 Anybody else got a chest? All right. Plasma here. I'll start him first. 178 00:10:11,837 --> 00:10:14,397 - Plasma! - What are you gonna do, just leave me here? 179 00:10:14,506 --> 00:10:16,838 Come on. Somebody help me. 180 00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:20,002 - Okay, Lieutenant, let's see what you've got here. - What's going on here? 181 00:10:20,112 --> 00:10:23,741 - They just left me here. Nobody even looked at me. - Okay. I'm checking you now. 182 00:10:23,849 --> 00:10:27,580 - Look, I don't want a nurse. I want a doctor. - There isn't any available. 183 00:10:27,686 --> 00:10:30,416 Let me just check... Father, will you help me here, please? 184 00:10:30,522 --> 00:10:32,820 - Relax, son. She's the head nurse. - Are you a doctor? 185 00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:35,485 - No, I'm a priest. - I don't want a priest, and I don't want a nurse. 186 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:38,188 - I want a doctor. - You'll get a doctor as soon as one is available. 187 00:10:38,297 --> 00:10:41,824 Let me check your wound! Will you hold him still! 188 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,300 I can't give him an injection for you this time! 189 00:10:44,403 --> 00:10:46,598 Just a moment! Hold on... 190 00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:56,242 Are you all right? 191 00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:03,646 Oh, my God. 192 00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:06,451 [Medical Staff Clamoring] 193 00:11:12,865 --> 00:11:16,426 - Hiya, slugger. How are the mitts? - Very funny. 194 00:11:16,535 --> 00:11:20,335 - How is Lieutenant Forrester? - He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. 195 00:11:20,439 --> 00:11:22,339 My money's on you for the rematch. 196 00:11:22,441 --> 00:11:24,932 Look, I'm deeply troubled about this incident... 197 00:11:25,043 --> 00:11:28,774 and I would appreciate it if you would not speak about it with the jawbone of an ass. 198 00:11:28,881 --> 00:11:32,009 He's okay, Father. Why don't you go say hi? 199 00:11:40,025 --> 00:11:42,585 - Hello, son. Just a minute. Take it easy. - Whoa! 200 00:11:42,694 --> 00:11:46,960 Listen. You just stay on your side of the war, and I'll stay on mine, okay? 201 00:11:47,065 --> 00:11:50,865 Lieutenant, you don't know how badly I feel about what happened. 202 00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:55,030 Yeah? Put a little ice on your conscience, Father. Did wonders for my jaw. 203 00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:59,008 Really, son, I'm very, very sorry. 204 00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:06,208 I'll look in on you a little later. 205 00:12:06,318 --> 00:12:09,378 Where were you ordained, Father, Stillman's Gym? 206 00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:21,558 Give him another unit of plasma. I'll be right back. 207 00:12:25,504 --> 00:12:28,064 [Wind Whistling] 208 00:12:33,812 --> 00:12:39,079 You know, I used to coach boxing at the C.Y.O. 209 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,677 I told my boys it built character. 210 00:12:46,124 --> 00:12:49,116 Father, why don't you stop punching yourself on the chin? 211 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:54,255 - Pick on somebody your own size. - I'm Christ's representative. 212 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:57,494 "Suffer the little children to come unto me." 213 00:12:57,603 --> 00:13:00,231 "Do unto others..." 214 00:13:00,339 --> 00:13:04,435 I'm not just supposed to say that stuff. I'm supposed to do it. 215 00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:07,808 - All you're supposed to do is the best you can. - Some best. 216 00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,473 - Best is best. - [Sighs] 217 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,142 Look. Suppose you were sitting here now... 218 00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:16,379 with somebody who had done his best and was feeling lousy about it. 219 00:13:16,488 --> 00:13:19,355 You'd let 'em off the hook, wouldn't you? 220 00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:21,449 Sure, I would. 221 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:25,462 And if the hook didn't work, I'd probably try an uppercut. 222 00:13:26,965 --> 00:13:29,934 Father, get off your back. 223 00:13:30,035 --> 00:13:33,903 Ah, it isn't just that. 224 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:39,604 I don't seem to make a difference here. 225 00:13:39,711 --> 00:13:43,078 I hang around on the edge of effectiveness. 226 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:48,814 And when I do step in, I really step in. 227 00:13:52,924 --> 00:13:55,586 Look. This place has made us all nuts. 228 00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:57,958 Why should you be any different? 229 00:13:58,063 --> 00:13:59,963 We don't sleep. We don't eat. 230 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:03,159 And every day a truck comes in and lays a bunch of bleeding bodies on the ground. 231 00:14:03,268 --> 00:14:05,736 Okay, so you hit someone. 232 00:14:05,837 --> 00:14:08,067 We have to stand here and watch so much misery... 233 00:14:08,173 --> 00:14:11,631 we're lucky we don't all join hands and walk into a chopper blade. 234 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,639 [Sighs] Look. I'm going inside. 235 00:14:17,749 --> 00:14:22,914 - I gotta go reduce a little suffering. - Me too. 236 00:14:23,021 --> 00:14:25,080 I'll go sob myself to sleep. 237 00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,460 [Radio: Orchestral Carol] 238 00:14:32,564 --> 00:14:35,761 Well, here's to the Christmas we were supposed to be home by. 239 00:14:40,038 --> 00:14:41,972 Boy, you're a cheery bunch. 240 00:14:42,074 --> 00:14:44,941 You know, between decorating the tree with thermometers... 241 00:14:45,043 --> 00:14:47,944 and Radar singing those Christmas carols on the P. A... 242 00:14:48,046 --> 00:14:51,948 and that little below-zero nip in the air... 243 00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:56,043 this place really manages to capture that good, old-fashioned Christmas depression. 244 00:14:56,154 --> 00:14:58,213 Back home, it's Christmas morning. 245 00:14:58,323 --> 00:15:01,292 Erin's opening the toys I got for her in Tokyo... 246 00:15:01,393 --> 00:15:05,557 and they've been bouncing halfway around the world for six months. 247 00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:09,725 They'll be all busted up before she even has the chance to have the fun of breaking them. 248 00:15:09,835 --> 00:15:11,803 How about you, Major? 249 00:15:12,971 --> 00:15:16,168 I'm fine, thank you. No problems. 250 00:15:16,274 --> 00:15:18,742 You're a rock, Margaret. 251 00:15:18,844 --> 00:15:21,039 I have to be. [Sniffles] 252 00:15:21,146 --> 00:15:25,583 Look, folks, I've spent 18 Christmases away from Mildred... 253 00:15:25,684 --> 00:15:27,982 some of them up to my hips in mud. 254 00:15:28,086 --> 00:15:32,182 It took me 15 of them to realize I was making myself miserable... 255 00:15:32,290 --> 00:15:34,986 because I wanted to be someplace else. 256 00:15:35,093 --> 00:15:39,086 If you ain't where you are, you're no place. 257 00:15:39,197 --> 00:15:41,188 Well, here we are. 258 00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:47,033 Now, the cook says he made a traditional turkey dinner for Christmas. 259 00:15:47,139 --> 00:15:50,336 Let's go over and dig in. 260 00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:56,606 - Oh, what the hell. All right. - That's the spirit. 261 00:15:56,715 --> 00:15:58,615 - Thank you. - Thanks, Colonel. 262 00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,844 - You're an inspiration, Colonel. - [Chuckles] 263 00:16:02,954 --> 00:16:05,149 Now they got me depressed. 264 00:16:06,725 --> 00:16:09,558 [Laughter] 265 00:16:09,661 --> 00:16:13,324 There. What'd I tell you? You look happier already. 266 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:17,094 - I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner. - Right. 267 00:16:17,202 --> 00:16:20,865 Turkey on shingles with... cranberry sausage. 268 00:16:23,008 --> 00:16:25,738 I'm not too proud. Fork it over. 269 00:16:25,844 --> 00:16:28,404 I remember one Christmas in the Black Forest. 270 00:16:28,513 --> 00:16:32,916 The company horse broke his leg, and the cook tried to pass him off as dark meat. 271 00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:35,213 I cried all through dinner. 272 00:16:37,355 --> 00:16:39,380 You know what this smells like, son? 273 00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:42,426 I can't smell anymore, Colonel. I've been here too long. 274 00:16:42,527 --> 00:16:47,089 Perhaps you might give this to someone less fortunate than I. 275 00:16:47,199 --> 00:16:49,759 [Radio: Christmas Carol] 276 00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:52,598 - Merry Christmas, Colonel. And thanks for the present. - Did it fit? 277 00:16:52,704 --> 00:16:56,572 - Perfect. - I thought his little feet might not get in there, you know? 278 00:16:56,675 --> 00:16:58,575 What'd you give him? 279 00:16:58,677 --> 00:17:03,410 I gave him a pair of my grandson's pajamas for his, uh... 280 00:17:03,515 --> 00:17:06,541 - Uh... - Uh... 281 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,051 - For my teddy bear. - [Laughing] No kidding? 282 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:11,247 They happen to be real cute. 283 00:17:11,356 --> 00:17:14,257 - [Shouting, Squealing] - Santa.! 284 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:17,260 - It's Santa Claus.! - [All Laughing] 285 00:17:17,362 --> 00:17:22,732 - Ho, ho, ho! - Now that's what I call pitching in! 286 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,564 [BJ.] All right, everybody, come and get 'em.! 287 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,638 - Ho, ho, ho.! - [All Cheering, Shouting] 288 00:17:27,739 --> 00:17:30,640 - Merry Christmas, Major. - Hmm? Oh, thank you. 289 00:17:30,742 --> 00:17:34,007 Sir, aren't you gonna go over there and see if there's a present for you? 290 00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:37,377 I, uh... Uh, no. [Chuckles] 291 00:17:37,482 --> 00:17:40,007 - I think not. - Are you sure, sir? 292 00:17:40,118 --> 00:17:42,382 [Groans] 293 00:17:42,487 --> 00:17:45,354 To be home tonight. 294 00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:48,187 A brisk walk across the Boston Commons. 295 00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:50,693 The bell in the Old North Church... 296 00:17:50,795 --> 00:17:54,595 gently wafts its knell across the frozen pond. 297 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:58,601 Then later, to sit with Mother and Father and Honoria... 298 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,603 in the west wing... 299 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,698 sipping 100-year-old brandy. 300 00:18:04,809 --> 00:18:07,300 And the servants standing by... 301 00:18:07,412 --> 00:18:09,972 bathed in the light of the fire... 302 00:18:10,081 --> 00:18:13,414 and the glow of utter civility. 303 00:18:14,953 --> 00:18:18,855 Ah, Corporal, it is to weep. 304 00:18:18,957 --> 00:18:23,690 Uh, listen, Major. I happen to know there is a present for you over there. 305 00:18:23,795 --> 00:18:26,161 Uh, there is? 306 00:18:26,264 --> 00:18:31,224 Well, it's probably just a gag gift from one of these cretinous yahoos. 307 00:18:31,336 --> 00:18:34,828 Listen, fella. I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. 308 00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:38,000 - And I'm here to tell you you ain't him. - How can you tell, Virginia? 309 00:18:38,109 --> 00:18:42,011 Well, in the first place, is that a brown mustache, or are you eating a mouse? 310 00:18:42,113 --> 00:18:45,981 Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off. 311 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:49,178 Gee, whatever happened to "ho, ho, ho"? 312 00:18:49,287 --> 00:18:51,255 - Socks! Just what I need! - Oh, look! 313 00:18:51,356 --> 00:18:53,654 Terrific, Kellye.! 314 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:56,488 - Oh! - Klinger, it's beautiful. 315 00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:01,031 A bed jacket. Oh, wait till the guys see this. 316 00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:03,634 Here you go, sir. I hope you like it. 317 00:19:03,735 --> 00:19:06,067 - Thank you, Radar. - You're welcome. 318 00:19:06,171 --> 00:19:10,665 Very thoughtful of you, even if it should prove to be totally inappropriate. 319 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,605 Radar. 320 00:19:20,085 --> 00:19:22,053 That's my old toboggan cap. 321 00:19:22,153 --> 00:19:25,054 Yes, sir. I knew you weren't happy here, so I wrote your mother... 322 00:19:25,156 --> 00:19:28,717 and asked her to send something that would make you feel more at home here. 323 00:19:28,827 --> 00:19:32,024 Radar, you... 324 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:35,327 [Laughing] I don't know what to say. 325 00:19:35,433 --> 00:19:38,334 Actually, it was Father Mulcahy's idea to write your mom. 326 00:19:38,436 --> 00:19:40,370 - It was? - Uh-huh. 327 00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,406 Oh! 328 00:19:42,507 --> 00:19:45,567 The days this brings back. 329 00:19:45,677 --> 00:19:47,736 The revelry. 330 00:19:47,846 --> 00:19:50,110 Dear, simple days of childhood. 331 00:19:50,215 --> 00:19:53,878 - Gee, I thought it was gonna make you feel happy. - [Laughs] 332 00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,920 Excuse me. 333 00:19:57,022 --> 00:19:59,252 Uh, Father? 334 00:19:59,357 --> 00:20:03,691 Is there still time to, uh, contribute to your orphanage fund? 335 00:20:03,795 --> 00:20:05,786 - Always. - Good. 336 00:20:05,897 --> 00:20:07,797 Here. 337 00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:10,697 Buy them whatever they need. 338 00:20:10,802 --> 00:20:14,135 - Oh. Oh. - Here. 339 00:20:14,239 --> 00:20:16,469 Buy them whatever they don't need. 340 00:20:16,574 --> 00:20:19,099 Major? 341 00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:22,941 - Are you all right? - [Laughing] 342 00:20:23,048 --> 00:20:25,573 You saved me, Father. 343 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:28,811 You lowered a bucket into the well of my despair... 344 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,150 and you raised me up to the light of day. 345 00:20:31,256 --> 00:20:34,248 - I thank you for that. - How'd I do that? 346 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:38,591 - [Laughing] - Oh. Oh, yes. It's lovely. 347 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,755 Thank you, Fa... You know... 348 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:44,062 I never had much use for men of the cloth. 349 00:20:44,169 --> 00:20:46,069 They're so religious... 350 00:20:46,171 --> 00:20:49,436 especially that Irish crowd in Boston... but you're different, Father. 351 00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:52,442 You are a credit to... 352 00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:56,275 uh, your kind of person. 353 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,646 Thank you, Major. I'll take that as a compliment. 354 00:20:59,751 --> 00:21:02,845 Of course you will. That's how I meant it. 355 00:21:09,094 --> 00:21:12,120 Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll raise your eggnogs, I'd like to propose a toast. 356 00:21:14,165 --> 00:21:17,498 To someone who's too modest, too utterly simple a man... 357 00:21:17,602 --> 00:21:22,767 to know how much strength he gives us just by the decency of his life among us... 358 00:21:22,874 --> 00:21:24,967 - FatherJohn patrick Francis Mulcahy. - Hear, hear. 359 00:21:26,144 --> 00:21:29,375 [Radar] Yea, Father. 360 00:21:29,481 --> 00:21:32,712 Father, you may have noticed that on Sunday mornings we don't always make it to your services. 361 00:21:32,817 --> 00:21:36,617 That's because we're usually trying to escape this place in a couple of hours of sleep. 362 00:21:36,721 --> 00:21:41,124 But, as a result, you don't get to hear what really great voices we have. 363 00:21:41,226 --> 00:21:44,957 So we planned a little song for you... "Dona Nobis Pacem." 364 00:21:45,063 --> 00:21:48,464 If you want, I can translate that for you. 365 00:21:48,566 --> 00:21:53,299 No need to. I say it every night before I go to sleep... 366 00:21:53,404 --> 00:21:55,929 "Give us peace." 367 00:21:57,041 --> 00:22:00,010 [Singing] 368 00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:02,773 [All Singing] 369 00:22:21,699 --> 00:22:25,635 [Harmonizing] 370 00:22:43,721 --> 00:22:45,655 [Ends] 371 00:22:46,758 --> 00:22:49,386 Amen. 372 00:22:49,494 --> 00:22:53,055 - Hey, look! It's snowing! - Oh! 373 00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:55,758 - [All Chattering] - [Woman] Ooh.! Ahh.! 374 00:22:59,070 --> 00:23:01,937 Ohh.! Ahh.! 375 00:23:09,847 --> 00:23:13,214 [Laughs] All of a sudden, this place is pretty. 376 00:23:13,318 --> 00:23:16,253 [Vehicle Approaching] 377 00:23:25,763 --> 00:23:27,822 Sorry, folks. They broke the truce. 378 00:23:27,932 --> 00:23:30,662 - I got some Christmas presents for you. - All right, people. 379 00:23:30,768 --> 00:23:33,430 Let's go. Merry Christmas. 380 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:40,268 [Mulcahy Narrating] You know, Sis, it doesn't matter whether you feel useful or not... 381 00:23:40,378 --> 00:23:43,506 when you're moving from one disaster to another. 382 00:23:43,615 --> 00:23:47,210 The trick, I guess, is tojust keep moving.