1 00:00:53,079 --> 00:00:54,979 [Man On p.A.] Attention all personnel. 2 00:00:55,081 --> 00:00:59,518 Heartfelt thanks to everyone who made a rousing success oflast night's party... 3 00:00:59,619 --> 00:01:02,850 celebrating the first anniversary of the Officers Club. 4 00:01:02,955 --> 00:01:06,322 Volunteers are now needed to help rebuild it. 5 00:01:06,425 --> 00:01:09,394 There's only one thing worse than death... life. 6 00:01:09,495 --> 00:01:12,328 What were you boys chastising yourselves with last night? 7 00:01:12,431 --> 00:01:14,899 - Potato daiquiris. - I think we left the eyes in. 8 00:01:15,001 --> 00:01:16,901 [Margaret] Good morning, everyone.! 9 00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:19,995 - Ah! Cheerful person at 4:00. Take cover. - Good morning. Good morning. 10 00:01:20,106 --> 00:01:23,564 Margaret, stop smiling. The corners of your mouth are meeting in back of your neck. 11 00:01:23,676 --> 00:01:27,237 Gentlemen, today is a day that will live triumphantly... 12 00:01:27,346 --> 00:01:29,814 in the hearts of freed women everywhere! 13 00:01:29,916 --> 00:01:32,612 - Bravo! Bravo! - [Pounding Table] 14 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:35,585 - Will you quit? - Now, what are you chattering about? 15 00:01:35,688 --> 00:01:38,213 My attorney has forced Donald Penobscott... 16 00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:40,884 a.k. A my two-timing, cheapskate ex... 17 00:01:40,993 --> 00:01:43,928 to release my half of our joint savings account. 18 00:01:44,030 --> 00:01:45,361 - I'm glad for you. - Very good. 19 00:01:45,464 --> 00:01:47,762 Thank you, thank you. I deserve every word. 20 00:01:47,867 --> 00:01:51,359 That's wonderful news, Margaret. Now can you loan me some money for my funeral? 21 00:01:51,470 --> 00:01:55,429 - Oh, cheer up. [Blathering] - Don't. Get away from me. 22 00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:58,533 Father, you asked me to tell you when the promotion list came in. 23 00:01:58,644 --> 00:02:01,511 Oh, yes. I was hoping that this time I might get my... 24 00:02:01,614 --> 00:02:03,514 They passed you over again, Padre. 25 00:02:03,616 --> 00:02:07,746 Oh. Oh, they did. 26 00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:11,414 Well, I wasn't really expecting anything. 27 00:02:11,524 --> 00:02:13,492 Still, it would have been nice. 28 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,528 I'm sorry, Father. Maybe next time. 29 00:02:17,630 --> 00:02:20,895 You know what the trouble is, Father? This is a war, and you're in the peace business. 30 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,492 If I didn't feel so darn good for me, I'd feel really lousy for you. 31 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,764 - Sugar, sourpuss? - Yeah, all right. Yeah. 32 00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:29,568 You know... You know what, Father? 33 00:02:29,675 --> 00:02:31,666 Other cheek and all that aside... 34 00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,972 I think you ought to find out why they passed you over again. 35 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,412 Yeah! And get tough with them. There must be a Biblical precedent. 36 00:02:36,515 --> 00:02:39,575 Yes. Well, when Samson got angry... 37 00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:42,245 he slew the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. 38 00:02:42,355 --> 00:02:45,984 But that's really not my style. 39 00:02:48,828 --> 00:02:52,855 - Oh! - Feel better? Maybe a little more sugar. 40 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,092 Oh, you wanna play, huh? 41 00:02:58,104 --> 00:03:01,073 - Oh, yeah? - [Screams] 42 00:03:04,543 --> 00:03:07,273 Margaret, give me a break. You're supposed to be mad. 43 00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:10,247 - I am mad. I am. - [Helicopter Whirring] 44 00:03:10,349 --> 00:03:13,079 [Man On p.A.] Attention all personnel. Incoming wounded. 45 00:03:13,185 --> 00:03:16,177 Choppers, jeeps and ambulances. A regular convention. 46 00:03:16,288 --> 00:03:19,553 Well, let's get into our funny white suits. 47 00:03:23,763 --> 00:03:25,924 [Margaret] What's he doing? 48 00:03:26,032 --> 00:03:27,932 He's not gonna make it to the pad! 49 00:03:28,034 --> 00:03:29,968 - I hope he makes it to the ground. - I'm afraid he is. 50 00:03:34,373 --> 00:03:37,103 Hey, watch it! 51 00:03:37,209 --> 00:03:41,305 - Some landing. - Get those ambulances. Margaret and I will take care of this. 52 00:03:41,414 --> 00:03:43,405 All right. Some of you come with me. 53 00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:46,280 - You okay in there? - Do I look like I'm in trouble? 54 00:03:46,385 --> 00:03:50,378 - Nice of you to drop in. Take it easy. Take it easy. - [Pilot Speaking Korean] 55 00:03:50,489 --> 00:03:52,457 The guy woke up and tried to take a walk in midair. 56 00:03:52,558 --> 00:03:55,118 If I hadn't brought him down quick, his first step would have been his last. 57 00:03:55,227 --> 00:03:57,991 Head wound. Get him into pre-op, stat. 58 00:03:59,231 --> 00:04:01,665 Best flying I've ever seen. 59 00:04:01,767 --> 00:04:03,894 - It'll do. - I'll get the guy on the other side. 60 00:04:04,003 --> 00:04:06,494 I'll have you outta there in a second, fella. 61 00:04:08,674 --> 00:04:10,938 What is this? 62 00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:13,671 That's my dummy, Little Mac. Named him after MacArthur. 63 00:04:13,779 --> 00:04:16,543 - It's a shame they can't trade jobs. - He's a counterweight. 64 00:04:16,649 --> 00:04:18,549 Whenever I pick up just one casualty... 65 00:04:18,651 --> 00:04:20,949 he rides the other pod and keeps this thing balanced. 66 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:24,250 Otherwise, he stays inside with me. 67 00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:27,416 - He's my good-luck charm. - Little Mac! Of course. 68 00:04:27,526 --> 00:04:30,324 You're Captain Toby Hill. I read about you in Stars and Stripes. 69 00:04:30,429 --> 00:04:33,489 Over 300 casualties flown in out of combat. 70 00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:36,227 - Three-fifteen as of last Monday. - But who's counting? 71 00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,530 - Let's go. We got casualties. Come on. - It's a real honor to meet you. 72 00:04:38,637 --> 00:04:40,537 Major Margaret Houlihan. 73 00:04:40,639 --> 00:04:43,369 It isn't very often we get to say hello to a bona fide hero. 74 00:04:43,476 --> 00:04:45,376 Let's go. You can kiss his ring later. 75 00:04:45,478 --> 00:04:49,471 [Charles] All right, Margaret. Let's see what we can do about patching up this leg. 76 00:04:49,582 --> 00:04:52,244 Right, Doctor. 77 00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:54,842 - [Chuckles] - You think this is funny? 78 00:04:54,954 --> 00:04:58,981 No, no, no, no, no, no. I was just recalling you this morning. 79 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:02,060 - You with that blob of oatmeal. - [Laughs] 80 00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:04,322 [Chuckles] How humiliating. 81 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,331 - I wasn't humiliated. - Oh, Margaret. 82 00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,333 Whether you realize it or not... 83 00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:12,063 when you are sitting there with a blob of oatmeal on your face... 84 00:05:12,171 --> 00:05:14,799 and people are laughing at you, you are humiliated. 85 00:05:14,907 --> 00:05:16,807 - Father, hold this a second. - Got it. 86 00:05:16,909 --> 00:05:19,571 There. 87 00:05:19,678 --> 00:05:21,578 You're pretty good with your hands. 88 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,081 When you've fingered as many beads as I have, they become quite nimble. 89 00:05:25,184 --> 00:05:28,745 You know, I'd like the promotion board to see you in here working your butt off. 90 00:05:28,854 --> 00:05:31,914 Thank you, Colonel. I just try to beJohnny-on-the-spot... 91 00:05:32,024 --> 00:05:33,992 and help out and do my part. 92 00:05:34,093 --> 00:05:38,723 Father, if they gave out promotions for modesty, you'd be a four-star chaplain. 93 00:05:38,831 --> 00:05:40,731 Margaret... 94 00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:43,802 as a very wise man once said... 95 00:05:43,903 --> 00:05:46,701 "Love may be what makes the world go round... 96 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:50,206 but revenge is the axle upon which it revolves." 97 00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:55,008 - What wise man said that? - Me. 98 00:05:55,114 --> 00:05:57,844 And close. Will you bandage for me? 99 00:05:59,885 --> 00:06:04,948 Oh, Hawkeye, what do you think Margaret should wear for lunch? The peas? 100 00:06:05,057 --> 00:06:08,220 - No, something more in the line of an off-the-shoulder stew. - [Chuckles] 101 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:11,387 - They're baiting you. - Have any suggestions? 102 00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:13,624 Let me give it a little thought. 103 00:06:13,732 --> 00:06:16,963 - Hey, mail! - Oh, let me at it. 104 00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:18,969 Scented mail. I wonder who scented it. 105 00:06:19,071 --> 00:06:21,437 Mine's from the Department of the Army. Junk mail. 106 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:24,441 - Doris Weems? - Which Doris Weems is that? 107 00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:26,443 - There have been so many. - [Envelope Screeches] 108 00:06:26,545 --> 00:06:28,809 [Screams] 109 00:06:28,914 --> 00:06:31,109 - Look at this. - What did you ever do to Doris? 110 00:06:31,217 --> 00:06:34,209 - You better open yours from the end. - Yeah. 111 00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:40,024 Sounds safe. Can't hear the ocean. 112 00:06:40,125 --> 00:06:42,059 [Cackling Laughter] 113 00:06:42,161 --> 00:06:46,097 You realize this is no longer good clean fun. 114 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:50,726 - This is full-scale practical joking to the finish. - Well, Doris asked for it. 115 00:06:50,836 --> 00:06:53,270 Hey, buddy. Save a little hot water for me, huh? 116 00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,602 Oh, yes. Almost finished. 117 00:06:56,942 --> 00:06:59,809 Listen. Have you been around here for a while? 118 00:06:59,912 --> 00:07:02,506 Um, seems like years. 119 00:07:02,615 --> 00:07:05,743 - As a matter of fact, it has been. - [Chuckling] 120 00:07:05,851 --> 00:07:08,615 - Then you know everybody here. - Intimately. 121 00:07:10,022 --> 00:07:12,252 [Chuckles] Even better. 122 00:07:12,358 --> 00:07:16,317 You see, I got a heavy date with a nurse tonight. The question is which one? 123 00:07:16,428 --> 00:07:19,158 - I beg your pardon? - I'm taking a couple day's rest here... 124 00:07:19,265 --> 00:07:22,291 and I don't wanna waste it... you know what I mean. 125 00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:26,929 Perhaps I should introduce myself. I'm Father Mulcahy, the chaplain. 126 00:07:28,274 --> 00:07:30,174 Ah. Oh. 127 00:07:30,276 --> 00:07:32,767 I'm sorry, Father. I didn't realize. 128 00:07:32,878 --> 00:07:35,278 It's quite all right. It's difficult to tell in here. 129 00:07:35,381 --> 00:07:37,713 - Captain Hill. - Oh. 130 00:07:37,816 --> 00:07:39,807 - Toby Hill, the pilot? - Yeah. 131 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:43,217 - Oh, you're quite a hero. - Yeah, so they tell me. 132 00:07:43,322 --> 00:07:46,189 - Does that bother you? - I don't know. 133 00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:49,489 Lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm not doing my job so much for the men... 134 00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:52,723 as I am for all the glory that goes along with it... 135 00:07:52,831 --> 00:07:55,129 the promotions, the medals, the fame. 136 00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:58,328 My son, you deserve the glory... 137 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:00,803 the promotions, the medals. 138 00:08:03,842 --> 00:08:04,977 - How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you. 139 00:08:04,977 --> 00:08:06,808 - How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you. 140 00:08:06,912 --> 00:08:10,541 - I'd really like to know. - Two in the last six months. 141 00:08:10,649 --> 00:08:15,211 From second looey to captain in six months? 142 00:08:15,321 --> 00:08:17,881 - Yes, Father. Isn't it awful? - Yes! 143 00:08:17,990 --> 00:08:22,654 I mean, uh, no. I mean, uh, I have some business to attend to. 144 00:08:25,364 --> 00:08:29,698 Colonel, while it's true that the meek shall inherit the earth... 145 00:08:29,802 --> 00:08:33,260 it is equally true that the Lord helps those who help themselves. 146 00:08:33,372 --> 00:08:35,306 Yes, sirree. So? 147 00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:38,706 So, I feel I deserve a promotion. 148 00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:42,303 And... Lord forgive me... I want it! 149 00:08:42,414 --> 00:08:44,678 And I want you to help me get it. 150 00:08:44,783 --> 00:08:47,411 Easy, Father. You're dripping on my signatures. 151 00:08:47,519 --> 00:08:51,455 I know how you feel. If I was in your place, I'd be red around the collar too. 152 00:08:51,557 --> 00:08:53,525 And if I was in your place, I'd be on that horn... 153 00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:56,093 raising a royal rhubarb all over "l" Corps. 154 00:08:56,195 --> 00:08:58,925 - I think I'll put a call through. - You do that! 155 00:09:00,899 --> 00:09:05,563 [Sighs] Listen to me, will you. I'm unrecognizable. 156 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,237 Colonel, I understand Major Houlihan's a divorcée. 157 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:14,870 - Brand-spanking new. - The best kind. 158 00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:17,642 She's also a bit gun-shy, if you catch my drift. 159 00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:21,516 - Not sure I do. - She's been hurt... a lot. 160 00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:23,781 Let her heal, huh? 161 00:09:23,889 --> 00:09:26,585 Got ya. 162 00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:30,594 - Did I get all the powder off? - You missed a little. 163 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:33,529 - No, that's just mold. - That we won't blame her for. 164 00:09:33,632 --> 00:09:36,226 - Fresh canned peaches, sir? - Hold the rust. 165 00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:41,000 Nothing like a good vendetta to build up your appetite. 166 00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:46,372 Well, Margaret... 167 00:09:46,478 --> 00:09:49,845 I think your postal prank had the desired effect. 168 00:09:49,948 --> 00:09:53,076 Tom Swift and his electric cohort appear to be miffed at you. 169 00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:56,985 - Charles, I forgot about that already. - Margaret, Margaret. 170 00:09:57,089 --> 00:10:02,459 When will you ever learn? The nectar of revenge is to be savored slowly. 171 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:05,997 That's why it's sweet. 172 00:10:06,098 --> 00:10:08,430 Excuse me a moment. I'm gonna get a refill. Would you like one? 173 00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,764 - Nothing for me. Thanks. - No? No. 174 00:10:13,672 --> 00:10:16,766 Gentlemen, I have been listening... 175 00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:20,641 to Major Houlihan's incessant gloating over her recent mail delivery. 176 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:23,408 Now, I hold no brief with either of you... 177 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,814 but as a member of the same sex, I am appalled... nay... 178 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:31,822 I'm outraged at your meek acceptance of this gratuitous insult. 179 00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:35,587 Well, Charles, since you put it that way... what do you mean? 180 00:10:35,694 --> 00:10:39,289 I mean, Captains Milquetoast and Wet Noodle... 181 00:10:39,398 --> 00:10:42,890 that I have taken the liberty of retaliating for you both. 182 00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:45,799 You mad impulsive fool. What have you done? 183 00:10:45,904 --> 00:10:50,637 Observe yon Lebanese flunky. I touch my nose... 184 00:10:52,511 --> 00:10:54,672 and directly on cue... 185 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,749 he picks up a delicious lemon-meringue pie... 186 00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:01,342 the like of which has rarely been seen in this hellhole... 187 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:05,014 and he presents it to... 188 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:08,024 - Major Houlihan. - Major Houlihan, I have a pie for you. 189 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,026 - She questions him as to its origin. - What's this? 190 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,153 He informs her that it was baked in honor... 191 00:11:12,264 --> 00:11:15,165 - of our distinguished guest Captain Toby Hill. - Captain Hill over there. 192 00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:18,862 Captain Hill gallantly requested that it be delivered to her... 193 00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:22,634 with the message "Sweet for the sweet." 194 00:11:22,741 --> 00:11:26,507 She beams at Captain Hill. 195 00:11:26,612 --> 00:11:29,479 And then she waves at him. 196 00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:32,641 Apuzzled Captain Hill waves back. 197 00:11:32,751 --> 00:11:35,481 Now if my calculations are correct... 198 00:11:35,587 --> 00:11:37,578 the denouement is at hand. 199 00:11:37,689 --> 00:11:40,180 Gentlemen, enjoy. 200 00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:43,427 [Whistling] 201 00:11:45,764 --> 00:11:48,961 - Captain Hill, I could just kiss you for this. - Pardon me? 202 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:52,036 You're not only courageous, but you're gallant... 203 00:11:52,137 --> 00:11:55,402 and... and... boy, do you have shoulders. 204 00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:59,910 - She sure heals fast. - If you don't mind, I'd be honored to share this with you. 205 00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:02,913 Sweets are not only for the sweet, they are also for the brave. 206 00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:04,642 I'm getting diabetes. 207 00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:07,719 Since this is your pie, I think you should cut the first piece. 208 00:12:07,819 --> 00:12:10,913 What do you mean, "my pie?" 209 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:14,254 - What do you mean, "what do you mean?" - [Hawkeye, BJ. Laughing] 210 00:12:15,794 --> 00:12:18,228 They're laughing. 211 00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,825 But I thought... 212 00:12:21,934 --> 00:12:25,097 - No, they... - Easy, Margaret. It was just a little prank. 213 00:12:26,305 --> 00:12:28,205 You fiends! 214 00:12:28,307 --> 00:12:31,799 - Have you about finished lunch? - Let's skip dessert. 215 00:12:33,278 --> 00:12:36,042 Come back here.! 216 00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:41,044 This just isn't my day. 217 00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:47,850 [Both Singing] 218 00:12:51,630 --> 00:12:55,031 - It's neck. Wash my neck. - Huh? Yeah. Okay, do it again. 219 00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:58,500 [Resumes Singing] 220 00:12:58,604 --> 00:13:00,629 Charles! 221 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,707 - Shh! - Is everything ready? 222 00:13:02,808 --> 00:13:05,777 - Exactly as planned. Good luck, Margaret. - Aren't you gonna watch? 223 00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:09,142 - I'd love to, but I'm due in post-op. - Oh, Charles? 224 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,147 - Hmm? - Thanks. You've been a big help. 225 00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:14,184 - Well, let's keep that our little secret, shall we? - Oh, sure. 226 00:13:14,286 --> 00:13:17,653 [BJ.] You always come in early. Row, row, row your boat 227 00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:20,122 - Row, row, row - You came in early.! 228 00:13:20,225 --> 00:13:22,352 You started late! 229 00:13:22,461 --> 00:13:24,622 [Hawkeye] You weren't supposed to come in at all. 230 00:13:24,730 --> 00:13:26,755 I just came by to pick up a few things. 231 00:13:26,865 --> 00:13:28,958 - Oh, Margaret! Come on! - Margaret, wait a minute! Hey! 232 00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:33,265 - I'll be... seeing you. - [Hawkeye] Margaret, please, no. Wait. 233 00:13:33,372 --> 00:13:34,964 - Margaret, no, that's mine! - Come on! 234 00:13:35,073 --> 00:13:36,700 Margaret.! 235 00:13:36,808 --> 00:13:40,369 You're gonna look awfully silly running home to get my clothes. 236 00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:47,244 The coast is clear. 237 00:13:47,352 --> 00:13:50,583 - My kingdom for a washcloth. - At least you're wearing a mustache. 238 00:13:50,689 --> 00:13:54,455 - Well, shall we? - Let's try to do this with dignity. 239 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,789 Right. Heads held high and hands held low. 240 00:13:56,895 --> 00:13:58,795 Right. 241 00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:00,797 Geronimo! 242 00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:04,834 [Banging Jeep] 243 00:14:04,936 --> 00:14:07,268 [Groaning] 244 00:14:07,372 --> 00:14:09,397 - [Margaret Sighs] - [Both Screaming] 245 00:14:09,508 --> 00:14:11,738 [All Women Shouting, Laughing] 246 00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,842 [Both Screaming] 247 00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:22,647 - [Women Cheering] - All right, all right. The show's over. 248 00:14:22,754 --> 00:14:24,813 [Chattering] 249 00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:27,824 - All you peeping tomboys, out! - Out, out. 250 00:14:27,926 --> 00:14:31,987 All right, ladies. I think we've seen enough. 251 00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,997 I'll say. 252 00:14:38,470 --> 00:14:41,906 - Padre, I was looking for you. - I've already heard, Colonel. 253 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:43,907 News travels fast around here. 254 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,375 I spoke to everyone I knew. No dice. 255 00:14:46,478 --> 00:14:48,969 Every string I pulled broke. 256 00:14:49,081 --> 00:14:51,208 I don't blame you for being disappointed. 257 00:14:51,316 --> 00:14:55,514 Oh, no. If I have any disappointment, it's with myself. 258 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,418 I'm afraid ambition kind of made me forget why I'm here. 259 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,458 You have a right to that promotion. 260 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:02,894 After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important... 261 00:15:02,894 --> 00:15:04,885 After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important... 262 00:15:04,996 --> 00:15:06,964 not the rank. 263 00:15:07,065 --> 00:15:10,501 Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish apologizing to another commander. 264 00:15:11,636 --> 00:15:13,866 Good night, Colonel. 265 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,610 [Chuckles Softly] 266 00:16:31,983 --> 00:16:33,883 [Sighs] 267 00:16:45,997 --> 00:16:49,194 [Door Creaking] 268 00:16:59,010 --> 00:17:01,444 [Screaming] 269 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:06,781 Oh, somebody get him... Somebody get him off me.! 270 00:17:08,453 --> 00:17:10,216 [Screaming] 271 00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:13,758 - Oh, my God! - You screamed, madam? 272 00:17:13,859 --> 00:17:18,296 Oh, you... You did it! You goons! [Muttering] 273 00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:22,230 - Corpsman, litter. - A pint of whole sawdust, stat. 274 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:25,064 - Get him out of here! - Margaret, you seem to have things under control here. 275 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,365 - I'll guess we'll mosey along. - Get out of here! 276 00:17:27,472 --> 00:17:30,566 - Margaret, it's not fair. We're unarmed. - Get out! 277 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:33,166 [Hawkeye Screaming] 278 00:17:33,278 --> 00:17:35,872 Get out of here! Get out of here! 279 00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:38,973 [Screams] 280 00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:41,416 [Groans] 281 00:17:45,423 --> 00:17:48,824 Margaret, I heard you screaming. Are you all right? 282 00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:50,827 Those animals! 283 00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:54,160 - Margaret, there, there, there, there. - [Panting] 284 00:17:54,266 --> 00:17:57,258 Not to worry. We'll get even with them. 285 00:17:57,369 --> 00:18:00,566 No, we won't! I'm sick and tired of this whole thing! 286 00:18:00,672 --> 00:18:03,732 Of course you are... for the moment. 287 00:18:03,842 --> 00:18:06,310 But we'll think of something really big... 288 00:18:06,411 --> 00:18:09,471 like... like... blowing up their still. 289 00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:13,608 - No! - Wouldn't it be fun, hmm? 290 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:17,313 You're very good at this stuff, aren't you? 291 00:18:17,422 --> 00:18:20,255 Look, you're in no condition to talk about it now. 292 00:18:20,358 --> 00:18:22,326 A night in slumberland is what you need. 293 00:18:22,427 --> 00:18:25,828 We'll discuss this in the morning, hmm? 294 00:18:25,931 --> 00:18:27,831 - L... - Sweet dreams. 295 00:18:28,867 --> 00:18:31,199 [Panting, Sighs] 296 00:18:31,303 --> 00:18:34,431 - Captain Hill? - Come in. I've done all I can do. 297 00:18:34,539 --> 00:18:38,373 A call just came in for you to pick up a badly wounded man on Hill 503. 298 00:18:38,476 --> 00:18:40,501 Just one? I can't go without a counterweight. 299 00:18:40,612 --> 00:18:44,446 Where am I supposed to find one piece the size and weight of a man and right now? 300 00:18:44,549 --> 00:18:46,881 Well... 301 00:18:46,985 --> 00:18:50,318 - Well, how 'bout me? - I appreciate the gesture, Father... 302 00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:53,084 but Hill 503 is where the real war is going on. 303 00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:55,182 Landing in that traffic is pretty unnerving. 304 00:18:55,293 --> 00:18:58,421 Captain, we're wasting time. Every second is another drop of blood. 305 00:18:58,530 --> 00:19:01,897 - Now I'm going. How about you? - Well, I guess I am. 306 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,491 First mission I've flown without you, Little Mac. Wish me luck. 307 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,799 Don't worry, Captain. What could be luckier than carrying a priest? 308 00:19:07,906 --> 00:19:09,771 [Whistling] 309 00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:12,672 - [Chuckles] Good morning, gentlemen. - Uh-huh. 310 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:16,543 I wish you could have taken the walk I've just taken and seen the sights I've just seen. 311 00:19:16,648 --> 00:19:20,140 A bird here. A flower there. 312 00:19:20,251 --> 00:19:23,152 Pieces of dummy everywhere. [Laughing] 313 00:19:23,254 --> 00:19:25,313 [BJ.] You're a real nature lover, you are. 314 00:19:25,423 --> 00:19:28,586 Has Margaret's hair come down yet? 315 00:19:28,693 --> 00:19:31,127 You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. 316 00:19:31,229 --> 00:19:33,424 Her eyes were spinning around like phonograph records. 317 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:38,834 I haven't had so much fun since... since... 318 00:19:38,937 --> 00:19:41,906 Since your chauffeur ran over the squirrel? 319 00:19:43,842 --> 00:19:45,510 [BJ.] Come in, unless you're a woodpecker. 320 00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:46,238 [BJ.] Come in, unless you're a woodpecker. 321 00:19:46,344 --> 00:19:49,370 Hey, Margaret. Who was that dummy I saw you with last night? 322 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:51,540 I was willing to go along with a joke is a joke... 323 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,879 but last night you went beyond funny. 324 00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:55,919 You escalated to cruel and inhuman. 325 00:19:56,021 --> 00:19:58,956 - And so this morning I upped the ante. - Oh, really? 326 00:19:59,057 --> 00:20:02,390 - Do we have to guess or is it gonna be a surprise? - It'll be a surprise. 327 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:04,394 Especially when Peg gets my letter. 328 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:08,057 - Letter? What do you mean? - I sent a letter to your wife, funny man... 329 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,691 telling her all about our yearlong love affair... 330 00:20:10,802 --> 00:20:15,000 and how you didn't have the nerve to tell her it was all over between you and her. 331 00:20:15,106 --> 00:20:19,133 I think that beats the dummy in the closet, don't you? 332 00:20:19,244 --> 00:20:23,271 - You didn't really do that? - I told her you brought us together. 333 00:20:23,381 --> 00:20:27,249 - Margaret, you didn't. - I did so! And I got the last laugh. 334 00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,446 - This is incredible. - Do you realize what you've done? 335 00:20:30,555 --> 00:20:33,115 Do you realize what Peg is gonna do when she reads that letter? 336 00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:35,954 - My God! My wife. - You should have thought of that last night. 337 00:20:36,061 --> 00:20:39,656 - I don't believe it. - Damn it, Margaret. You... 338 00:20:39,764 --> 00:20:43,063 You have not only lost every friend you ever had in this camp... 339 00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:46,604 but we're gonna make your life so miserable, you're gonna wish you were Little Mac. 340 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:49,434 People? People, what's going on here? 341 00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:54,205 - I don't believe it. - These were harmless practical jokes. 342 00:20:54,312 --> 00:20:56,246 I mean, this was all in fun. 343 00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:59,510 - [Screaming] I don't believe it! - [Margaret Screaming] 344 00:20:59,617 --> 00:21:03,417 Stop! Stop, Hunnicutt! It was me! Hunnicutt, it was me! 345 00:21:03,521 --> 00:21:05,955 Let her alone. Are you all right, Margaret? It was all me. 346 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:10,357 The lemon-meringue pie, the shower, the... the dummy. 347 00:21:10,462 --> 00:21:13,158 It was all me. Margaret, I'm sorry. Are you all right? 348 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,693 I had no idea anyone would take this seriously. 349 00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:18,826 Does that do it? Are we even? 350 00:21:18,937 --> 00:21:21,132 - Yeah, I think so. - I feel pretty even. 351 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:25,174 - Did I hurt you, Margaret? - Not at all. I loved it. 352 00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:28,143 How 'bout you, Charles? You satisfied? 353 00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,441 - Yeah, he's satisfied. - Yeah, yeah. 354 00:21:30,548 --> 00:21:33,142 - You were wonderful. What a performance! - What an idea. 355 00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,481 - You're welcome. - Row, row, row your boat 356 00:21:35,587 --> 00:21:38,351 - Row, row, row your boat - [Hawkeye] Row, row, row your boat 357 00:21:38,456 --> 00:21:40,720 [B.J., Margaret] He came in on time! 358 00:21:40,825 --> 00:21:43,055 [All Laughing] 359 00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:47,287 Very funny. 360 00:21:47,398 --> 00:21:49,298 Very funny indeed. 361 00:21:50,969 --> 00:21:53,301 [Shouting] I wasn't fooled for a moment, you know. 362 00:21:53,404 --> 00:21:56,464 How could anyone be fooled by such atrocious acting? 363 00:21:56,574 --> 00:21:59,099 I had to fight to keep myself from laughing! 364 00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:02,577 But I'm laughing now. [Laughing] 365 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,740 Hear that? That's laughing. Row your boat up that stream! 366 00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:14,250 [Man On p.A.] Attention. Attention. Incoming chopper. 367 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,623 Medical teams to pad. 368 00:22:21,399 --> 00:22:24,459 Head wound, bad. Get him into O.R. Where's my AWOL priest? 369 00:22:24,569 --> 00:22:26,503 [Hill] Over here. 370 00:22:27,906 --> 00:22:30,340 Except for a little motion sickness, he's fine. 371 00:22:30,441 --> 00:22:32,909 It takes a brave man to be that scared and still do the job. 372 00:22:33,011 --> 00:22:36,276 - It's okay, Father. You can let go now. - Not till we land! 373 00:22:36,381 --> 00:22:39,407 I'm not an angel! You're on the ground! 374 00:22:41,252 --> 00:22:43,948 Oh. Colonel Potter. 375 00:22:44,055 --> 00:22:45,955 Oh, good. 376 00:22:46,057 --> 00:22:48,890 Funny, I can't seem to let go. 377 00:22:48,993 --> 00:22:51,757 Give me a hand, Captain. 378 00:22:51,863 --> 00:22:54,559 There you go. Easy does her. 379 00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:56,793 - [Mulcahy] Thank you. - There you go, Captain. 380 00:22:56,901 --> 00:22:59,369 - Whoa! - As soon as you're feeling better... 381 00:22:59,470 --> 00:23:01,904 I'm gonna give you the chewing out you deserve. 382 00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:05,066 But in the meantime, I'm putting you in for a commendation. 383 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:07,474 And the next time those promotions come up... 384 00:23:07,579 --> 00:23:11,538 - your name better be on the top of that list or I'll... - Colonel! 385 00:23:11,649 --> 00:23:15,312 Do you think you could stop swaying? 386 00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:19,187 Okay, Padre. I'll drive.