1 00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:57,482 [Blowing, Shivering] 2 00:00:57,583 --> 00:01:00,279 - Boy, it's cold. - Mm-hmm. 3 00:01:00,386 --> 00:01:02,286 Even the cards up my sleeve are frozen. 4 00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:04,288 I'll say. All my hearts have stopped beating. 5 00:01:04,390 --> 00:01:06,358 Anybody bring a hot water bottle? 6 00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:08,950 Best I can do is a bottle of hot peppers. 7 00:01:09,061 --> 00:01:11,086 Come on, toots. It's your bet. 8 00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:14,132 Okay, caution to the wind. One wool sock. 9 00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:16,497 Uh-uh. Pair of socks or better to open. 10 00:01:16,602 --> 00:01:19,537 - Who upped the ante? - Me. 11 00:01:19,639 --> 00:01:21,903 I was inspired by the Old Testament. 12 00:01:22,008 --> 00:01:24,909 As the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs." 13 00:01:25,011 --> 00:01:26,979 Course, the Lord was holding three aces at the time. 14 00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:29,673 All right, enough of this foreplay. Earmuffs. 15 00:01:29,782 --> 00:01:34,378 I see your earmuffs, and I raise you a feather boa. 16 00:01:34,487 --> 00:01:38,446 - To you, big slim. - Let's see, jacket sweater, robe... 17 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,718 sweater, sweater, shirt. 18 00:01:40,826 --> 00:01:42,851 I'm practically naked. Fold. 19 00:01:42,962 --> 00:01:45,089 All right. 20 00:01:45,197 --> 00:01:49,156 Ski mask. You know, I finally figured out what it is I hate about winter. 21 00:01:49,268 --> 00:01:51,259 - What's that? - The cold. 22 00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:53,998 You too? So tough to find things to wear... 23 00:01:54,106 --> 00:01:56,165 that don't clash with blue skin. 24 00:01:56,275 --> 00:01:58,743 In this weather, I'm always reminded of George Washington... 25 00:01:58,844 --> 00:02:01,335 in that terrible winter at Valley Forge... 26 00:02:01,447 --> 00:02:03,540 struggling to keep his ragged army together. 27 00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:05,947 Trying to keep his men from stealing his dentures for firewood. 28 00:02:06,052 --> 00:02:08,987 Tough guy, that George... his bark was the same as his bite. 29 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:13,286 - To you, Friar Luck. - Bath robe... genuine sackcloth. 30 00:02:13,392 --> 00:02:15,826 - Ashes in both pockets. - That'll get the girls. 31 00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:18,522 - [All Shivering] - Close the door, sir! Close the door! 32 00:02:18,631 --> 00:02:21,031 - Geez! - Colonel. 33 00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:23,863 Shiverin' shinbones! It must be down to ten degrees! 34 00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:28,498 - No, it's up to five socks. - I have a ridiculous question to ask. 35 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:31,906 Does anybody besides me have a flush? 36 00:02:32,011 --> 00:02:35,412 - [Groaning] Not again. - I guess that beats a pair of threes. 37 00:02:35,514 --> 00:02:38,915 - You were bluffing in this weather? - And the rich get warmer. 38 00:02:39,018 --> 00:02:40,986 Winchester's got the hot hand, huh? 39 00:02:41,087 --> 00:02:43,078 He should. He's wearing all our gloves. 40 00:02:43,189 --> 00:02:45,680 Well, don't worry. It's gonna be warm enough for all of us soon. 41 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:48,487 What makes you think so, Colonel? Trick knee? [Chuckles] 42 00:02:48,594 --> 00:02:50,858 Uh, don't push your luck, Chuckles. 43 00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:52,931 "L" Corps is getting ready for a major offensive. 44 00:02:53,032 --> 00:02:56,559 Gonna be a real big push. They're throwing a couple of divisions at the Chinese. 45 00:02:56,669 --> 00:02:59,069 And they'll throw at least a battalion of casualties back at us. 46 00:02:59,171 --> 00:03:01,662 They won't be fighting with snowballs, that's for sure. 47 00:03:01,774 --> 00:03:05,039 - When do we get 'em? - First wave should be here in a couple of hours. 48 00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:08,375 - First wave? - Then there's the inevitable counteroffensive. 49 00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:11,416 That'll bring the second wave in within 24 hours. 50 00:03:11,517 --> 00:03:13,109 You could set your clock by this war. 51 00:03:13,219 --> 00:03:15,187 I guess that means we should call the game. 52 00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:17,687 - [All Groaning] - Well, we better get O.R. Ready. 53 00:03:17,790 --> 00:03:21,123 Excuse me! Excuse me! We're neglecting something here. 54 00:03:21,227 --> 00:03:23,593 - [Klinger] What? - Kindly pay up. 55 00:03:23,696 --> 00:03:27,223 - [All Clamoring] - Here, take it all if you want! 56 00:03:27,366 --> 00:03:30,426 Let's move it, people.! You'll have plenty of time to talk after the war.! 57 00:03:30,536 --> 00:03:32,868 Give me that. 58 00:03:32,972 --> 00:03:34,940 In order to make this instrument work... 59 00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:37,009 it has to touch the floor. 60 00:03:37,109 --> 00:03:39,077 I'll demonstrate. 61 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,941 - Pardon me, Cinderella. - What? 62 00:03:41,047 --> 00:03:42,571 - I mean Major. - What do you want? 63 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:45,741 We seem to have a problem. I checked on the sodium pentothal. 64 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,046 We're down to two boxes... 20 vials each. 65 00:03:48,154 --> 00:03:50,054 - That's not enough. - Hence the problem. 66 00:03:50,156 --> 00:03:52,920 Go check with Sergeant Zale. He must have more pentothal in stock. 67 00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:56,791 - I did. He didn't. - That's impossible! The supply truck was just here. 68 00:03:56,896 --> 00:03:58,124 Minus the pentothal. 69 00:03:58,230 --> 00:04:01,063 Damn! We're gonna have a deluge through here. 70 00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:03,192 Too late to call it off, huh? 71 00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:05,270 All right. I'll find out what's going on. 72 00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:07,339 - Klinger, take over here. - Yes, ma'am. 73 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,274 All right, people! I'm in charge now! Two minute break. 74 00:04:12,978 --> 00:04:15,640 Well, let's hear it, Zale. Why are we low on pentothal? 75 00:04:15,748 --> 00:04:17,739 - And it better be good. - He's my witness, Major. 76 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:21,513 - Of course he is. - Actually, sir, we're not low... on paper. 77 00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:24,111 Let me put it another way, Mr. Snake Oil. 78 00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,589 What happened to the pentothal? 79 00:04:26,692 --> 00:04:29,252 - I traded it to the 8063rd. - Did you hear that? 80 00:04:29,361 --> 00:04:31,329 - He traded it! - I heard that. 81 00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:33,955 - What did you trade it for? - How could you trade it? 82 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,034 - Who do I answer? - Me, you yahoo! 83 00:04:36,135 --> 00:04:38,501 What did you trade it for? 84 00:04:38,604 --> 00:04:42,165 Plasma. Best deal I ever made... I thought. 85 00:04:42,274 --> 00:04:46,335 - Well, you know what to do, Zale. - Right, sir. What? 86 00:04:46,445 --> 00:04:49,471 Go to the 8063rd and get the pentothal back. 87 00:04:49,582 --> 00:04:52,813 Well, I'd love to, Colonel, but the 8063rd doesn't have it. 88 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,546 - You just said they did! - Down in front, Major. 89 00:04:55,654 --> 00:04:57,645 Why don't they have it? 90 00:04:57,756 --> 00:05:00,452 They needed it to get penicillin from the 121 st. 91 00:05:00,559 --> 00:05:03,119 - So, the 121 st has it? - Wrong. 92 00:05:03,229 --> 00:05:06,289 They traded it to a South Korean unit for some fresh vegetables. 93 00:05:06,398 --> 00:05:08,730 Look, let's just get this over with. Shoot him. 94 00:05:10,002 --> 00:05:12,061 You're lucky I'm in command. 95 00:05:12,171 --> 00:05:14,901 Look, Colonel, this sort of trading goes on constantly. 96 00:05:15,007 --> 00:05:17,840 Major, remember the time you wanted those leather hip boots with spiked heels? 97 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,911 Never mind! 98 00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:22,412 Spiked heels? How do you fish with those on? 99 00:05:22,515 --> 00:05:24,642 Colonel, what are we gonna do about the pentothal? 100 00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:26,843 Right. 101 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:30,581 - Radar, we're running low... - I just called "I'"Corps about getting some more pentothal. 102 00:05:30,689 --> 00:05:32,748 Get "l" Corps on the phone. Good boy. 103 00:05:32,858 --> 00:05:34,849 Thank you, sir. 104 00:05:36,328 --> 00:05:38,296 Well, what did they say? 105 00:05:38,397 --> 00:05:41,662 Oh, they can't spare any right now, what with the trucks in convoy and the battle... 106 00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:44,793 - I know it by heart. - I did the best I could. I even yelled. 107 00:05:44,904 --> 00:05:46,929 - Go yell some more. - Right. 108 00:05:47,039 --> 00:05:49,234 What are we gonna do, Colonel? 109 00:05:49,341 --> 00:05:52,003 Well, we'll stretch out the pentothal as best we can. 110 00:05:52,111 --> 00:05:55,706 When that's gone, we'll just have to use ether and nitrous oxide. 111 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:58,214 I presume we have those, Sergeant Huckster. 112 00:05:58,317 --> 00:06:00,342 We're lousy with it. You can't give that stuff away. 113 00:06:00,452 --> 00:06:02,511 Colonel, with the number of casualties we're expecting... 114 00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:04,589 it'll take forever to get through on ether. 115 00:06:04,690 --> 00:06:06,658 Margaret, we're fresh out of choices. 116 00:06:06,759 --> 00:06:08,727 - Excuse me, sirs. - What is it, Radar? 117 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,660 - Choppers. Lots of'em. - Here we go. 118 00:06:11,764 --> 00:06:14,255 - [Helicopters Whirring] - Oh, and, Zale... 119 00:06:14,366 --> 00:06:18,029 if you're feeling rotten about this... good! 120 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,948 Hustle, boys! Hustle! We're fighting time. 121 00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:36,586 This guy's in shock. Plasma, right away. 122 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:38,748 - All right, let's move it out! - Bring him to O.R. 123 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:43,089 Tag all chest cases for pentothal only. They can't handle the ether. 124 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:46,756 - What do you think? - It's gonna take forever to get these people under. 125 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:50,164 My draft board promised me this was gonna be a modern war. Litter! 126 00:06:50,269 --> 00:06:52,294 My biceps are at attention, sir. Command them. 127 00:06:52,404 --> 00:06:54,304 Get this guy into pre-op right away. 128 00:06:54,406 --> 00:06:56,374 Make him comfortable. He might be there for a while. 129 00:06:56,475 --> 00:06:58,636 Same old story, soldier. Hurry up and wait. Come on, Dennis. 130 00:06:58,744 --> 00:07:01,042 Hi, Kenny? It's Radar. 131 00:07:01,146 --> 00:07:04,411 Huh? Where's Kenny? 132 00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:07,451 Tokyo? Okay, listen, maybe you can help me. 133 00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:09,783 Uh, this is 4077 th. 134 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,947 4077 th MASH. 135 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:14,184 How long have you been over here? 136 00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,223 Two hours and you're on the radio already? 137 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,298 A rookie! 138 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,391 Look, uh, we need some sodium pentothal. 139 00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:26,266 Sodium pentothal. 140 00:07:26,372 --> 00:07:28,135 It's an "anthinez..." It's an "anathe..." 141 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,299 It's the stuff that makes you go to sleep. 142 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,845 What do you mean you can't give it to me? You don't even know what it is! 143 00:07:33,946 --> 00:07:36,471 Can I speak to your C.O., please? 144 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:40,675 His name is Colonel Hooten. 145 00:07:40,786 --> 00:07:43,152 Why do they send these kids? 146 00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:45,223 [Potter] Anybody check the time? 147 00:07:45,324 --> 00:07:47,292 [B.J.] Sorry, can't take my wrist out to look. 148 00:07:47,393 --> 00:07:51,352 [Hawkeye] Last I checked, it was either quarter to wave one or half-past wave two. 149 00:07:51,463 --> 00:07:54,193 - Hi, there. I'm a surgeon. - Don't confuse him, Pierce. 150 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,268 Ready, Doctor. 151 00:07:56,368 --> 00:07:58,336 Just relax and inhale deeply. 152 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:00,871 That's easy. Just look at her and sigh. 153 00:08:00,973 --> 00:08:04,409 Take it easy, kid! Margaret, get the cone over his face. 154 00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:06,535 - He won't let me. - Don't be polite. Just do it! 155 00:08:06,645 --> 00:08:09,614 - Need any help over there? - No, no, we're fine, thank you. 156 00:08:09,715 --> 00:08:12,809 - Margaret, hurry up. - I've got it. I've got it. 157 00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:15,580 Oh, great. Now you gotta mug 'em before you operate on 'em. 158 00:08:15,688 --> 00:08:18,122 - [Coughing] - That's too much ether. 159 00:08:18,223 --> 00:08:21,522 - You're giving him too much. - Sorry, I've never given ether by itself before. 160 00:08:21,627 --> 00:08:25,495 Oh, yippee. I have to do your job as well as mine. Major! 161 00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:28,767 Caldman, take over for me. 162 00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:32,496 I don't blame you specifically, mind... I hold the entire world responsible. 163 00:08:32,604 --> 00:08:34,572 Here, Carson. Do it like this. 164 00:08:34,673 --> 00:08:37,301 Don't drop it too quickly, or you'll cause choking. 165 00:08:37,409 --> 00:08:39,877 I don't want to lose the patient before I'm through. 166 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,003 - It would be bad for his morale. - [Potter] Hold it.! 167 00:08:42,114 --> 00:08:45,049 - Who turned those heaters on? - Get 'em off. Quick! 168 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,175 On the double. Ether and flames don't mix. 169 00:08:47,286 --> 00:08:49,754 We're lucky we're not on the moon by now. 170 00:08:49,855 --> 00:08:52,585 We just gotta go at it in the cold, folks. 171 00:08:52,691 --> 00:08:54,921 What? You mean work under adverse conditions? 172 00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:58,292 Yes, Colonel, I know you're low, and you got casualties, too... 173 00:08:58,397 --> 00:09:01,764 but, sir, I'm talking out of a sense of desperateness here. 174 00:09:01,867 --> 00:09:04,802 I mean, we're really up the river without a creek. 175 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,632 Well, uh, can't you just send us one box? 176 00:09:08,741 --> 00:09:10,971 Are you sure you're low? 177 00:09:12,077 --> 00:09:15,513 No, sir, I'm not calling you a liar! 178 00:09:15,614 --> 00:09:18,674 No, sir! Even if you were, I wouldn't call you one. 179 00:09:18,784 --> 00:09:20,911 I'm sorry, I just... 180 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,648 Corporal Walter O'Reilly. R-A-1-9-4-9-0-6-9. 181 00:09:24,757 --> 00:09:27,851 Colonel, please turn the heaters back on. 182 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,793 - At least an explosion would be warm. - One more complaint from you... 183 00:09:30,896 --> 00:09:32,830 and I'll blow up. 184 00:09:32,931 --> 00:09:35,195 I stand, as always, rejected. 185 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,268 Too bad you're not working on a belly. 186 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,667 Your hands stay pretty warm in here. 187 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,936 [Hawkeye] How's he doing, Margaret? 188 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:48,604 - Yoo-hoo. - Oh, sorry. He's fine. 189 00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:51,683 - Maybe you oughta step into the lobby for a second. - No need. 190 00:09:51,784 --> 00:09:56,949 Hmm. Just so I can plan my day, how long before the next batch of wounded is due? 191 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,853 Not long. Probably around 1400. 192 00:09:59,958 --> 00:10:01,926 Is that how long or how many? 193 00:10:02,027 --> 00:10:04,154 That's when the big hand is on the 14. 194 00:10:04,263 --> 00:10:07,289 Margaret! Corpsman! 195 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:10,061 - Pam, take over! - [Potter] The damn ether. Get her outside. 196 00:10:10,169 --> 00:10:12,103 [Hawkeye] Lot of good that'll do. 197 00:10:12,204 --> 00:10:14,195 We're probably short of fresh air. 198 00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:19,568 - [Gagging, Coughing] - Margaret? 199 00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:21,669 - Margaret? - Is she comin' around? 200 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,748 Keep your hands to yourself, General. 201 00:10:23,849 --> 00:10:26,113 - That's a good sign. - Easy, Major. Easy. 202 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:29,415 - [Coughing] - You all right? 203 00:10:29,521 --> 00:10:32,046 I, uh... I'm fine. 204 00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:36,617 Really. [Coughs] I'm more embarrassed than hurt. 205 00:10:36,728 --> 00:10:39,390 It's okay. I covered for you. I told everyone you had morning sickness. 206 00:10:39,498 --> 00:10:42,626 Between the ether and the cold, it's a wonder we're not all on the deck. 207 00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:46,226 Kind of chummy though. The staff and the patients falling asleep in each other's arms. 208 00:10:46,338 --> 00:10:48,363 - [Sighs] - We're gonna have to cut down on the ether. 209 00:10:48,474 --> 00:10:50,408 Fine. We'll just break out the polo mallets. 210 00:10:50,509 --> 00:10:54,036 I was thinking about using local anesthesia on the simpler cases. 211 00:10:54,146 --> 00:10:57,309 Locals? Colonel, we'll slow down even more. 212 00:10:57,416 --> 00:10:59,475 Not that we're breaking any speed records now. 213 00:10:59,585 --> 00:11:01,553 At least we could turn the heat up. 214 00:11:01,653 --> 00:11:04,349 We won't run as much risk of the floor smacking us in the face. 215 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,447 I wish there was something I could do to help. 216 00:11:06,558 --> 00:11:09,652 Since we don't have a prayer, how about novenas and a pentothal? 217 00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:12,059 We might be able to arrange a drop. 218 00:11:12,164 --> 00:11:14,826 It's gonna take more than a drop, Padre. 219 00:11:14,933 --> 00:11:18,733 No, I meant make a drop with the black market for pentothal. 220 00:11:18,837 --> 00:11:20,998 Not advisable. Those boys play rough. 221 00:11:21,106 --> 00:11:23,233 Yeah, they cut off your nose to spite your face. 222 00:11:23,342 --> 00:11:26,505 And anyway, who'd be low enough to have connections with those tarantulas? 223 00:11:26,612 --> 00:11:29,843 Well, uh, as a matter of fact, me. 224 00:11:29,948 --> 00:11:32,610 - You? - Why you devil, you. 225 00:11:32,718 --> 00:11:35,209 On occasion, I've had to deal through the black market... 226 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,288 to obtain supplies for the orphans. 227 00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:39,380 You can get practically anything. 228 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:42,892 - Yeah, but you have to give them practically everything. - Not always. 229 00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:45,725 You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with. 230 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:48,857 - You volunteering? - I'd certainly like to give it a go. 231 00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:51,800 Anyway, I'm the only one who knows the scam. 232 00:11:51,904 --> 00:11:54,236 I don't know. You'd have to be good and careful. 233 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,001 - I try to be both. - Right. 234 00:11:57,109 --> 00:11:59,577 Okay, Padre, it's your baby. 235 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,272 Just an expression. 236 00:12:03,415 --> 00:12:06,714 Father, exactly what is it that you want? 237 00:12:06,818 --> 00:12:08,911 Just a small contribution, Major. 238 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:12,957 Oh, yes. The bane of the well-to-do: Charity appeals. 239 00:12:13,058 --> 00:12:15,618 It's to trade with the black marketeers for pentothal. 240 00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:17,820 - You'll be doing yourself a favor. - [Scoffs] 241 00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:19,898 Father, I don't know if they're worth anything... 242 00:12:19,998 --> 00:12:21,989 but you're welcome to my captain's bars... never been used. 243 00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:25,729 Two railroad tracks. Thank you. That's a start. 244 00:12:25,837 --> 00:12:27,862 - Major? - Oh, all right. 245 00:12:27,973 --> 00:12:31,568 If the others are gonna chip in a dollar or two, I'll go along. 246 00:12:31,677 --> 00:12:36,273 - Is it tax deductible? - I'm afraid we'll need something more substantial. 247 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,975 Oh, fine. Well, then I'll give you... Move your feet. 248 00:12:39,084 --> 00:12:41,052 I'll give you... Will you move your feet?! 249 00:12:41,153 --> 00:12:43,121 I'll give you... I'll give you $10. 250 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,212 Will they take a personal check? 251 00:12:45,324 --> 00:12:48,521 I was thinking more in terms of something they wouldn't tear up. 252 00:12:48,627 --> 00:12:52,085 - A case of vintage wine leaps to mind. - Certainly not. 253 00:12:52,197 --> 00:12:54,165 - I'm down to my last one. - I'm asking you nicely. 254 00:12:54,266 --> 00:12:56,291 And I'm telling you nicely. No. 255 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:59,495 Charles, I'm much too tired to go through all this. Just give him the wine. 256 00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:01,766 Don't make Hawk and me give it to him for you. 257 00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:04,808 - What? That's extortion! - Catchy name for it. 258 00:13:06,078 --> 00:13:08,342 Exactly how do you propose to exchange the wine? 259 00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:11,575 Oh, I leave the goods at the designated spot... 260 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:14,151 and I go back later and pick up the pentothal. 261 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:18,120 - You're a trusting soul, aren't you? - It comes with the collar. 262 00:13:18,223 --> 00:13:20,453 Father, you really are a chump. 263 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:24,051 You'd drop off the goods then come back to discover they've left you nothing. 264 00:13:24,162 --> 00:13:26,062 You have to meet 'em face-to-face. 265 00:13:26,164 --> 00:13:28,462 That isn't the usual arrangement. 266 00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:31,127 If you want my wine, you will do it my way. 267 00:13:31,236 --> 00:13:33,170 Well, if you're gonna get your way... 268 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:35,933 the least you could do is give the father your gourmet food with the wine. 269 00:13:36,041 --> 00:13:39,841 - What? - Ah, in that case, we have a deal. 270 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,913 - What? - You've got a deal. 271 00:13:42,014 --> 00:13:43,982 Thank you, Major. 272 00:13:44,082 --> 00:13:46,312 I will go make the necessary arrangements. 273 00:13:46,418 --> 00:13:48,477 Charles, you're really a generous guy. 274 00:13:48,587 --> 00:13:51,886 Don't you ever use that word in my presence again. 275 00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:55,426 You know, I'm thinking, Father, maybe I should call the 8055th again. 276 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:57,518 They'll just say no again. 277 00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:01,032 Well, maybe you could put a curse on them. 278 00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:04,068 Radar, there's nothing to worry about. We simply walk in... 279 00:14:04,169 --> 00:14:07,661 calmly make our exchange, then hightail it out of there. 280 00:14:07,773 --> 00:14:09,866 Can I just wait in the jeep? 281 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:11,943 Corporal, get away from my wine. 282 00:14:12,044 --> 00:14:14,171 You "non-com-poop." I'm going along. 283 00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:16,679 - That's not necessary. - It is my wine... 284 00:14:16,782 --> 00:14:19,080 and it is imperative that I talk these nefarious tradesmen... 285 00:14:19,184 --> 00:14:21,175 down a bit in price. 286 00:14:21,286 --> 00:14:23,811 I cannot think of existing without at least one bottle. 287 00:14:23,922 --> 00:14:26,390 Yeah, you can take my place. Good luck to you both, sirs. 288 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:30,552 Major, I appreciate your zeal, but can you be spared from O.R.? 289 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:34,393 The colonel has graciously allowed me an entire half hour to sleep. 290 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,967 I will gladly do without it in order to protect my investment. 291 00:14:37,069 --> 00:14:39,560 Major, you don't know who you'll be dealing with. 292 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,765 [Scoffing] Neither do they. 293 00:14:42,874 --> 00:14:45,468 Move it out! I believe that's the phrase. 294 00:14:45,577 --> 00:14:49,035 Well, toodle-oo, Radar. 295 00:14:49,147 --> 00:14:51,206 Uh, toodle-oo to you two too. 296 00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:01,022 - Litter! - Three-oh silk. 297 00:15:01,126 --> 00:15:03,026 Harkness, I'm gonna stitch you now... 298 00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:05,187 so you're liable to feel a slight tug. 299 00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:07,265 Isn't this fun? 300 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:10,129 [Chuckles] Is the anesthetic gonna hold, Doc? 301 00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:13,102 The only pain you're gonna feel is when you find out she's married. 302 00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:16,936 Okay, let's move on over to the shoulder. 303 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:19,237 Uh, more local, please. 304 00:15:20,412 --> 00:15:22,380 - Is it bad, Doc? - What? Are you kidding? 305 00:15:22,481 --> 00:15:24,472 I wish I had shoulders that good. 306 00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:26,949 Compared to you, I have no shoulders at all. 307 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,953 My neck goes straight down to my waist. 308 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,888 - Where are you from? - Idaville, Indiana. 309 00:15:32,991 --> 00:15:36,051 - No kidding? Idaville. - Yeah. 310 00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:38,652 Ever go to the dances at the American Legion Hall there? 311 00:15:38,764 --> 00:15:41,494 - Yeah, sure. - And, um... 312 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,125 on the edge of town, there's this little place... 313 00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:46,431 where you can get the world's greasiest french fries. 314 00:15:46,538 --> 00:15:48,733 - Right, Mona's. - Yeah, yeah. 315 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,502 And, uh, uh, what else? 316 00:15:51,610 --> 00:15:55,569 The Studebaker dealership, always has those search lights when they bring in new models. 317 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,648 Hey, when were you in Idaville? 318 00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:01,480 Never. I grew up in the same small town in Maine. 319 00:16:02,854 --> 00:16:05,584 - There they are. - Scary-looking bunch. 320 00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:08,989 I'm surprised they don't have "black market" written on the truck. 321 00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:12,221 [Winchester Laughs] They're amateurs.! 322 00:16:14,366 --> 00:16:17,460 [Laughs] And I thought this was gonna be tough. 323 00:16:17,569 --> 00:16:20,732 Major, please, be careful. 324 00:16:20,839 --> 00:16:23,399 Father, you just, uh, work your beads. 325 00:16:23,508 --> 00:16:25,635 Let me do the talking. 326 00:16:25,744 --> 00:16:27,712 How do, gentlemen? 327 00:16:27,813 --> 00:16:30,646 I'm Major Winchester. The father you already know. 328 00:16:30,749 --> 00:16:33,843 - Cut the malarkey. What you got for us? - Yeah, well. 329 00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:38,013 We're featuring several bottles of Châteauneuf du Pape. 330 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,591 - Hooch? - Wine, you... 331 00:16:40,692 --> 00:16:43,388 French wine. 332 00:16:43,495 --> 00:16:47,192 We're prepared to offer you several bottles for each box of pentothal. 333 00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:49,426 The very words are breaking my heart. 334 00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,525 - Not good enough. - Not good enough! 335 00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:53,900 If you said that to a Frenchman, he'd spit in your face. 336 00:16:54,005 --> 00:16:56,906 - Lx-nay, Ajor-may. - [Mutters] 337 00:16:57,008 --> 00:16:59,943 All right. Two. Two bottles for each. 338 00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:02,343 - All of it. - Two. My final offer. 339 00:17:02,447 --> 00:17:03,914 Major, please! 340 00:17:04,015 --> 00:17:06,074 - Take it or leave it. - Oh, Lord. 341 00:17:06,184 --> 00:17:08,084 [Speaking Korean] 342 00:17:08,186 --> 00:17:11,417 - Okay. We take it. You leave it. - Fine. 343 00:17:11,523 --> 00:17:14,117 Now, if you'd be kind enough to hand over those boxes of pentothal... 344 00:17:14,226 --> 00:17:16,751 - [Trigger Clicking] - [Muttering] 345 00:17:16,862 --> 00:17:19,126 I, uh... All... All right. 346 00:17:19,231 --> 00:17:21,995 - Three bottles. - [Speaking Korean] 347 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,592 [Mutters] You can... [Repeats Korean] over there. 348 00:17:25,704 --> 00:17:28,366 You needn't hold that quite so high. 349 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:34,145 Doctor? Hawkeye? 350 00:17:36,314 --> 00:17:38,839 Oh, Margaret. 351 00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:41,350 It can't be heaven. I've only been dead five minutes. 352 00:17:41,453 --> 00:17:43,421 You've gotta get up. 353 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,489 - A second wave isn't here already? - No. 354 00:17:45,590 --> 00:17:48,115 One of your patients tore open his sutures. 355 00:17:48,226 --> 00:17:51,559 Post-operative vomiting caused by the ether. 356 00:17:51,663 --> 00:17:53,927 - All right. Get him back in here. - We're prepping him now. 357 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,227 - I'll prepare a local. - Help me up. 358 00:17:57,636 --> 00:18:00,230 Get me something to lean against while I'm operating. 359 00:18:00,338 --> 00:18:02,704 Preferably you. 360 00:18:06,912 --> 00:18:11,110 Shocking! Just-Just-Just Shocking! 361 00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:15,585 These war profiteers have absolutely no sense of human decency anymore. 362 00:18:15,687 --> 00:18:19,020 None! Laughing at a man in his underwear! 363 00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:21,092 I wish I had their names. 364 00:18:21,192 --> 00:18:24,093 And you... forgiving them over and over and over! 365 00:18:24,195 --> 00:18:26,891 - Major. - You wouldn't dare leave me out here. 366 00:18:26,998 --> 00:18:30,729 If you had just acquired a case of wine, what would you do with it? 367 00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:33,463 - Sell it for a raccoon coat. - No, I really wanna know. 368 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,903 Well, l... Well, l... Depending on the vintage... 369 00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:38,874 I'd put it away in a cellar until it had aged properly. 370 00:18:38,977 --> 00:18:41,844 L... No. 371 00:18:41,947 --> 00:18:45,075 - I'd drink it, wouldn't I? - Ha! 372 00:18:45,183 --> 00:18:47,310 Let's get 'em, Father! 373 00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:50,718 [Speaking Korean] 374 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,233 [Speaking Korean] 375 00:19:04,502 --> 00:19:08,598 - Have you ever seen such idiots? - Shh! Shh! 376 00:19:08,707 --> 00:19:11,972 Drinking red wine with stuffed capons! 377 00:19:22,854 --> 00:19:25,084 - What is it, Radar? - Huh? Oh. 378 00:19:25,190 --> 00:19:28,216 Uh, the choppers are comin' in, sir, with the second wave. 379 00:19:28,326 --> 00:19:30,521 [Sighs] Mulcahy back yet? 380 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,688 - No, sir. - I hope he's all right. 381 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,857 Well, you better wake everybody up. 382 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,300 - Everybody, sir? - Yeah, everybody. What's the matter? 383 00:19:39,404 --> 00:19:41,702 It's gonna be kinda hard to wake up Major Winchester... 384 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,831 'cause he went out with Father Mulcahy. 385 00:19:43,942 --> 00:19:46,570 - He didn't. - Okay, but he did. 386 00:19:46,678 --> 00:19:48,908 What the hell does that jackass think he's doin'? 387 00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:51,448 Well, he said he could make a better deal. 388 00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:54,985 Some deal. Now I'm not only out of pentothal, I'm short a surgeon too. 389 00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:57,179 - Yes, sir. - Damn! 390 00:19:57,288 --> 00:19:59,688 [Speaking Korean] 391 00:20:04,529 --> 00:20:09,125 [Shouting In Korean] 392 00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:13,466 [Winchester] Start the engine! Why don't you start the engine? 393 00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:15,766 [Mulcahy] Where is the starter on this thing? 394 00:20:15,874 --> 00:20:18,434 We're dead men. Yes, we are. We're dead men. Oh, dead. 395 00:20:18,543 --> 00:20:21,273 - [Engine Starts] - Well, go! Go! Go! 396 00:20:21,379 --> 00:20:25,873 [Winchester Laughing] 397 00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:29,385 That'll teach you! Confidence men! Barbarians! 398 00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:36,817 Confidence rejects! Remember the Boston Tea Party! 399 00:20:39,898 --> 00:20:42,560 Burns. Second and third degree. Dress him. 400 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:44,692 We'll debride him later, if necessary. 401 00:20:46,971 --> 00:20:50,498 Get some more pressure on that dressing, then a slug of morphine. Go! 402 00:20:50,608 --> 00:20:52,576 - Radar! - Yes, sir. 403 00:20:52,677 --> 00:20:54,645 Let me know when Winchester shows up. 404 00:20:54,746 --> 00:20:57,510 I'm gonna duck walk his carcass from now until St. Swithin's Day. 405 00:20:57,615 --> 00:20:59,640 Yes, sir. 406 00:20:59,751 --> 00:21:01,719 We're just fooling ourselves here, Colonel. 407 00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,811 Well, keep at it. It's all we've got. 408 00:21:03,922 --> 00:21:05,890 Unit of plasma. If we're out of that, I quit. 409 00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:07,981 - Get 'im inside. - [Horn Beeping] 410 00:21:08,093 --> 00:21:09,685 What in the Sam Hill is that? 411 00:21:14,766 --> 00:21:17,064 We got it! Pentothal! 412 00:21:17,168 --> 00:21:19,659 Seven boxes! 413 00:21:19,771 --> 00:21:22,171 Come on, people! Let's unload her! 414 00:21:22,273 --> 00:21:24,639 - [Laughing] - Father, let me be the first. 415 00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:27,734 - [Laughing] - Hey, wait a minute. What about me? 416 00:21:27,846 --> 00:21:29,837 I'm not hugging you till you put something on. 417 00:21:29,948 --> 00:21:31,848 Now, at the risk of sounding ungrateful... 418 00:21:31,950 --> 00:21:33,918 where in the blazes is my jeep? 419 00:21:34,018 --> 00:21:36,748 Well, certain sacrifices had to be made. 420 00:21:36,855 --> 00:21:38,823 [Groans] Tell me about it. 421 00:21:38,923 --> 00:21:41,357 Winchester, that's very appealing, but put on a gown! 422 00:21:41,459 --> 00:21:44,451 - We need you in O.R. - Oh, of course. 423 00:21:44,562 --> 00:21:46,723 No rest for the brave and resourceful. 424 00:21:46,831 --> 00:21:49,561 He was a real blessing out there, Colonel... 425 00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:53,262 and, God willing, I'll never be blessed with him again. 426 00:21:53,371 --> 00:21:57,740 Amen. All right, everybody, let's move it. We got a long stretch ahead. 427 00:22:01,779 --> 00:22:04,339 - [Nurse] Ready, Doctor. - [B.J.] Ah, what a pleasure. Scalpel. 428 00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:07,077 No muss. No fuss. Just rock-a-bye baby, and out they go. 429 00:22:07,185 --> 00:22:09,779 No more patients looking over your shoulder while you work on theirs. 430 00:22:09,888 --> 00:22:11,913 No more ether to breathe. 431 00:22:12,023 --> 00:22:14,253 And we can heat up without blowing up. 432 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:17,590 I'd say, considering the circumstances, we're all about as happy as we could be. 433 00:22:17,695 --> 00:22:20,596 Oh, my wine.