1 00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:16,467 All right. Spread out. Spread out. 2 00:01:16,569 --> 00:01:19,436 Ferguson, Rich! Don't sit on top of each other. 3 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,836 You know, Rich, if we were in a telephone booth... 4 00:01:21,941 --> 00:01:23,841 the sarge'd still tell us to spread out. 5 00:01:23,943 --> 00:01:26,605 [ Man ] So take a couple giant steps, Fergy. 6 00:01:27,947 --> 00:01:30,814 - [ Incoming Shells ] - Incoming! Hit the dirt! 7 00:01:30,917 --> 00:01:33,044 [ Men Shouting ] 8 00:01:36,956 --> 00:01:40,153 - [ Machine Gun Firing ] - [ Man ] Rich.! 9 00:01:40,259 --> 00:01:42,318 - [ Man Coughing ] - Rich,you okay? 10 00:01:42,428 --> 00:01:44,862 [ Shouting Continues ] 11 00:01:44,964 --> 00:01:47,091 [ Man Gagging ] 12 00:01:50,603 --> 00:01:52,798 Medic! Medic! 13 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,165 Don't try and talk, Rich. You're hit there. 14 00:01:59,812 --> 00:02:01,803 Medic! Damn it, Medic! 15 00:02:04,216 --> 00:02:06,184 Easy, Rich. Easy. 16 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,988 - Where you been? - What have we got? 17 00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:13,251 He took some stuff in his neck. He's bleeding. 18 00:02:13,359 --> 00:02:16,556 Okay. Take it easy. Litter! 19 00:02:16,662 --> 00:02:18,562 You're gonna be all right, fella. 20 00:02:18,664 --> 00:02:21,132 We'll get you out of here. 21 00:02:26,072 --> 00:02:28,040 Let's get him out. Hold his head. 22 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,410 Okay. Move. 23 00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:36,039 Things'll bounce a bit, so hold on. Let's go! 24 00:02:36,148 --> 00:02:38,048 - Okay, let's lift him. - [ Man ] Got him. 25 00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,118 Go, go, go.! 26 00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:52,287 [ Men Chattering ] 27 00:02:53,499 --> 00:02:56,366 They'll fix you up at MASH. Don't you worry. 28 00:03:00,706 --> 00:03:02,697 - All right.! Let's move it out.! - You're on your way now, Rich. 29 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,072 First-class seat on one of them choppers. 30 00:03:05,177 --> 00:03:07,077 - Keep in touch, eh, punk? - Let's go! 31 00:03:07,179 --> 00:03:09,147 See you sometime. 32 00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:17,115 Low bridge! Watch out! 33 00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:30,686 I need a pair of hands here. 34 00:04:30,796 --> 00:04:32,923 How ya doin', partner? You got a reservation? 35 00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:35,728 - Okay, sir. I'll take this end. - pretty big guy, Radar. 36 00:04:35,835 --> 00:04:38,065 That's okay.Just don't take any of those giant steps of yours. 37 00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:40,070 All right. One, two, three, up.! 38 00:04:40,172 --> 00:04:42,072 - Oh.! You got it? - Holy cow! 39 00:04:42,174 --> 00:04:44,165 - Let's go, people. Move it, move it, move it! - I'm moving, sir! 40 00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:47,006 - What are you two, out for a stroll? - Sir, he kinda weighs a ton. 41 00:04:47,113 --> 00:04:49,809 I don't care what he weighs. Just pick up the damn pace! 42 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:51,815 Klinger, come on. Give me some help here. 43 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,885 [ BJ.] He certainly got up on the wrong side of the bedlam. 44 00:04:53,986 --> 00:04:56,682 One beast of burden coming up. 45 00:04:56,789 --> 00:04:58,689 Okay. 46 00:04:58,791 --> 00:05:01,760 Okay, pal. Take it easy. Have a nice ride down. Enjoy the view. 47 00:05:01,861 --> 00:05:04,796 - We'll leave the top down. - All aboard the Toledo Express! 48 00:05:04,897 --> 00:05:09,596 Nonstop to pre-op at a lightning speed of five miles an hour. 49 00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:12,068 - He's just kidding. - Ah, come on! 50 00:05:12,171 --> 00:05:15,197 - Come on! - [ Engine Starts ] 51 00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:17,434 It works! See? I told you. 52 00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:19,875 Not a thing to worry about. 53 00:05:19,979 --> 00:05:22,311 Oh, hi. I'm Corporal O'Reilly, the company clerk. 54 00:05:22,414 --> 00:05:25,941 They call me Radar. Only that's not my real name. They just use it like it was. 55 00:05:26,051 --> 00:05:29,214 Uh, listen, if it's okay with you, I gotta take your valuables here. 56 00:05:29,321 --> 00:05:31,789 But don't worry about 'em. They'll be in a real safe safe. 57 00:05:31,891 --> 00:05:34,359 Only me and Colonel Potter know the combination. 58 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,553 Oh, I think Major Houlihan knows it too. 59 00:05:36,662 --> 00:05:40,063 And I think maybe Captain Pierce, and he probably told Captain Hunnicutt. 60 00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,794 But don't worry about it, 'cause you can trust us all. 61 00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:44,995 Yeah. Okay, we're almost there. 62 00:05:45,104 --> 00:05:47,299 Well, listen.Just relax. The surgeons here are the best. 63 00:05:47,406 --> 00:05:50,671 I mean, the best. They're really special guys. 64 00:05:51,877 --> 00:05:53,777 Okay, come on! We need some help here! 65 00:05:53,879 --> 00:05:57,178 I'd look up to 'em even if I was tall. Am I talking too much? 66 00:05:57,283 --> 00:06:01,014 Okay. Now, I know everybody's tellin' ya that you're gonna be okay, but you're really gonna. 67 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,315 So just relax. Move him out now. Let's go! 68 00:06:09,195 --> 00:06:11,864 [ Radar ] Easy. Okay. He's got a throat injury there. 69 00:06:12,064 --> 00:06:14,794 [ O.R. Chatter] 70 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,425 [ Man ] Okay, keep 'em comin'. Keep 'em comin'. 71 00:06:19,905 --> 00:06:22,066 Hold tight. Doctor'll be along in a second. 72 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:25,337 Working as fast as we can. It'll bejust a few more minutes. 73 00:06:25,444 --> 00:06:28,413 Hey, lamb chop. Hey,you. 74 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,505 Tall, blonde, and... hubba-hubba. 75 00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:33,016 - Is there something I can do for you? - Let me count the ways. 76 00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:36,281 - You're wounded, Private. - Right in the heart. 77 00:06:37,823 --> 00:06:40,587 They're such leches, bless 'em. 78 00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:42,888 Klinger, you clown! How many times have I told you... 79 00:06:42,995 --> 00:06:45,225 not to wear that flowing stuff in here? 80 00:06:45,331 --> 00:06:48,357 I never wear this during the day, sir, but, I don't know, I had a whim. 81 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,732 Then ""whim'' it off and get into fatigues! I'm tired of lookin' at ya. 82 00:06:51,837 --> 00:06:53,737 - Then please, fire me. - Move! 83 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:55,739 - Moving, sir. Moving. - [ Fabric Tears ] 84 00:06:55,841 --> 00:06:57,866 Hey. Rich. Rich, is that you? 85 00:06:57,977 --> 00:06:59,877 Hiya, buddy! 86 00:06:59,979 --> 00:07:02,709 Well, the sarge warned us to spread out, didn't he, huh? 87 00:07:02,815 --> 00:07:06,717 - Well, how ya doin'? - [ Coughing ] 88 00:07:06,819 --> 00:07:09,117 You don't have to talk. I got it in the leg... 89 00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,121 and boy, did it hurt for a while... 90 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,589 but they gave me a shot. 91 00:07:13,692 --> 00:07:17,594 - It don't look too bad, huh? - No, no. The whole blood is over here for him. 92 00:07:17,696 --> 00:07:20,688 Bring a unit for me. Straight up. No ice. 93 00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:25,031 Hi, there. I'm Captain Pierce. What do you think of me so far? 94 00:07:25,137 --> 00:07:27,833 Okay, now just relax. I only want to look under your bandage. 95 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:30,272 Army regulations. You could be hiding a jeep. 96 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:33,310 - Hey, Beej? - Yeah. 97 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:36,074 You got a second? Come here. Take a look at this. 98 00:07:36,181 --> 00:07:39,150 Oh, yeah. We've already met. I pulled him off the chopper. 99 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:42,652 Step into my office. Don't worry. We really are doctors. 100 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,116 - [ Indistinct Chatter] - [ Coughing ] 101 00:07:49,194 --> 00:07:51,662 Ah! Right! We were talking about you. 102 00:07:51,764 --> 00:07:54,198 Okay, what I have to do is get the shrapnel out of your neck. 103 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,894 Then I'm gonna put a tube in so you can breathe easier. 104 00:07:57,002 --> 00:08:00,768 If you want to brag about this to the folks at home, it's called a tracheostomy. 105 00:08:00,873 --> 00:08:03,103 And after the swelling goes down, your-- 106 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:05,972 your voice should come back. 107 00:08:06,078 --> 00:08:07,978 I know what you're thinking-- 108 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,776 ""This guy looks like he couldn't even fix a bicycle tire.'' 109 00:08:10,883 --> 00:08:13,750 Well, I can't, but I'm gonna get you through this. 110 00:08:13,852 --> 00:08:15,820 You wait and see. 111 00:08:17,890 --> 00:08:20,791 Hello. Private Rich. 112 00:08:20,893 --> 00:08:25,523 I'm Father Mulcahy. I'll be your spiritual leader for the next few days. 113 00:08:25,631 --> 00:08:29,067 I see you're a Protestant. Well, no problem. 114 00:08:29,168 --> 00:08:32,660 I'm familiar with the procedures of most of the current denominations... 115 00:08:32,771 --> 00:08:36,639 although I'm a little inhibited when it comes to the Southern Baptist service. 116 00:08:36,742 --> 00:08:40,269 It's so frenetic and forceful. Bit of a stretch for me... 117 00:08:40,379 --> 00:08:42,540 but then, that's my problem. 118 00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:47,381 Well,just close your eyes, rest easy... 119 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:51,190 and remember, He's watching over you. 120 00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:51,588 and remember, He's watching over you. 121 00:08:51,690 --> 00:08:54,056 Hey, fellow, we're gonna take a quick X-ray. What's your good side? 122 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,627 Makes no difference. This camera sees right through you. 123 00:08:56,729 --> 00:08:58,629 Raise your head, please. 124 00:08:58,731 --> 00:09:01,859 You know, as much as I hate the army, at least they taught me how to use one of these. 125 00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,798 Could be I'll make it my profession. 126 00:09:03,902 --> 00:09:06,370 With all the hoods in Toledo swallowing watches and jewelry... 127 00:09:06,472 --> 00:09:08,940 there's a big need for experts in this field. 128 00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:10,941 [ potter ] Damn it, Klinger.! What's keeping you? 129 00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:14,308 - I got doctors here without X-rays. - Coming, sir. 130 00:09:14,413 --> 00:09:17,712 Never rush an artist. Boy, what's with him lately? 131 00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:20,512 He really loves me though. He must. Why else would he keep me here? 132 00:09:20,619 --> 00:09:24,487 Uh,just hold still. Think ""cheese.'' Chin up! 133 00:09:28,494 --> 00:09:30,394 Okay, guys. 134 00:09:30,496 --> 00:09:32,487 Okay, let's go. Move it. 135 00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:34,498 I got the whole senior class to do. 136 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,058 Sir, I'll have this developed in no time. 137 00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:41,003 - Tracheostomy here. - I got dibs. Gloves, please. 138 00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:43,006 Nurse, more orange juice over here. 139 00:09:43,108 --> 00:09:45,008 Gonna leave some for the rest of us, Charles? 140 00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:47,169 I will leave for you exactly what you deserve, Hunnicutt-- the pulp. 141 00:09:47,279 --> 00:09:49,406 Gee, that's great, Charles. I can start my own newspaper. 142 00:09:49,515 --> 00:09:51,642 Private Rich, glad you could make it. 143 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,082 Let me introduce you to the rest of the band. 144 00:09:54,186 --> 00:09:56,518 On vital signs, Nurse Able. 145 00:09:56,622 --> 00:09:58,613 Workin' the rest of the instruments, Nurse Campbell. 146 00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:01,192 Our wandering minstrel, Major Margaret Houlihan. 147 00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:05,389 And, of course, yours truly, sitting in the conductor's chair. 148 00:10:05,497 --> 00:10:09,365 [ Charles ] Colonel, why don't we ever have enough orangejuice... 149 00:10:09,468 --> 00:10:11,402 to get us through these endless sessions? 150 00:10:11,503 --> 00:10:13,994 [ potter ] Drop it,you ding-dong. 151 00:10:14,106 --> 00:10:18,236 - Merely curious. - Hey. What's with Colonel Potter? 152 00:10:18,343 --> 00:10:20,402 This is definitely not the time to ask for a raise. 153 00:10:20,512 --> 00:10:22,412 Something's gettin' to him. 154 00:10:22,514 --> 00:10:25,074 Okay, Rich, we're going to anesthetize your neck. You won't feel anything. 155 00:10:25,184 --> 00:10:28,745 - Everybody in their places? -Just hold still and relax. 156 00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:31,118 - Why don't you close your eyes? - [ Garbled Shouting ] 157 00:10:31,223 --> 00:10:33,453 Hey, hey. Come on. Come on. Everything's gonna be fine. 158 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:35,527 I promise. 159 00:10:44,203 --> 00:10:47,900 Hey, there, Sleeping Beauty. Who kissed you awake? Nurse Charming? 160 00:10:48,006 --> 00:10:51,339 How's it goin'? Oh, yeah. Can't talk. 161 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,640 Boy, that'd kill me. How 'bout mine, huh? 162 00:10:54,746 --> 00:10:58,182 This hickey ain't enough to get me into the lobby of an evac hospital. 163 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,982 But I'm playin' it up. Anytime a nurse or doc comes by, I'm in first-class agony. 164 00:11:03,088 --> 00:11:06,683 You watch. I'll spend the rest of the war lyin' right here. 165 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:10,626 Oh, by the way, I don't think I ever introduced myself. 166 00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:12,822 Hey, what'd I say? 167 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,559 He's just sleeping off the anesthetic. 168 00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:21,901 Well, men,you played a great first half, but if you really expect to score... 169 00:11:22,007 --> 00:11:23,941 you gotta throw a pass. 170 00:11:24,042 --> 00:11:26,738 Let me show you. Nurse, meet me in the showers after the game? 171 00:11:26,845 --> 00:11:29,177 - Aw, get off it, Hawkeye. - See what I mean? 172 00:11:29,281 --> 00:11:31,977 [ Chuckles ] Penalty. Fifteen yards for acting like an idiot. 173 00:11:32,084 --> 00:11:35,952 - Did you hear about Colonel Potter and Radar? - No. Are they an item now? 174 00:11:36,054 --> 00:11:40,115 The colonel chewed him out in the Mess Tent about the daily report or something. 175 00:11:40,225 --> 00:11:42,159 Poor Radar just had to sit there and take it. 176 00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:45,424 Somebody ought to get Potter into O.R. and remove that thorn from his paw. 177 00:11:45,531 --> 00:11:50,093 I'd love to know what's bothering him, but I'm afraid to get within 20 feet. 178 00:11:50,202 --> 00:11:52,295 - I know what the problem is. - Hmm? 179 00:11:52,404 --> 00:11:54,269 - Senility. - Senility? 180 00:11:54,373 --> 00:11:56,933 Well, look at the symptoms: chronic irritability... 181 00:11:57,042 --> 00:12:00,205 difficulty relating to others, uh, self-absorption-- 182 00:12:00,312 --> 00:12:02,212 That's not Potter. That's you. 183 00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,339 The only thing wrong with the colonel is every so often... 184 00:12:04,449 --> 00:12:06,747 he gets sick of the madness, just like the rest of us. 185 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:10,686 You'll see, Pierce. Wait'll he forgets how to tie his shoes. 186 00:12:12,491 --> 00:12:14,482 Boy, am I glad you're here, Doc. 187 00:12:14,593 --> 00:12:17,892 This thing's killin' me. The pain's shootin' through my body. 188 00:12:17,996 --> 00:12:19,896 You think you could've missed something? 189 00:12:19,998 --> 00:12:22,262 - Private, I do not miss things. - [ Groans ] 190 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:25,063 You have a superficial laceration of the trapezius. 191 00:12:25,170 --> 00:12:27,195 Or, put into words that you could understand... 192 00:12:27,306 --> 00:12:29,206 you've got a boo-boo on your shoulder. 193 00:12:29,308 --> 00:12:33,745 You can put it back down now. If there is any pain, it will subside. 194 00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:35,836 By the way... 195 00:12:35,948 --> 00:12:38,849 that was the worst performance I've ever seen in here. 196 00:12:38,951 --> 00:12:41,044 It lacked sincerity, depth. 197 00:12:41,153 --> 00:12:44,554 You're lucky I stayed through the whole show. [ Chuckles ] 198 00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:59,269 Oh, caught me. 199 00:12:59,371 --> 00:13:02,738 I was just eavesdropping on your condition. 200 00:13:02,841 --> 00:13:06,333 These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. 201 00:13:06,445 --> 00:13:10,040 Anybody asks you how you're doing, you don't have to answer.Just show him your chart. 202 00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:14,016 So how ya doin'? Oh, a wise guy, huh? 203 00:13:14,119 --> 00:13:16,644 All right, look. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna block off your tube for a second. 204 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:19,155 I want to see how you're breathing. No, no, no. It's not gonna hurt. 205 00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:21,555 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 206 00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,753 - [ Tracheostomy Tube Sucking ] - Now try to say a few words for me. 207 00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:27,923 - Anything. - [ Gagging ] 208 00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:30,160 All right. That's enough. 209 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,168 Yeah, I know. I know. But it's still a little swollen. 210 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,431 Give it a chance to come down a little. 211 00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:36,439 Meantime, stay off your throat. 212 00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:39,032 Do me a favor. Don't sing Pagliacci. 213 00:13:39,144 --> 00:13:43,342 I'll come back and check on you a little later. Try to get a little sleep. 214 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,416 Hey, kid. 215 00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:52,346 Don't worry. They take real good care of you here. 216 00:13:55,427 --> 00:13:57,395 [ Margaret ] private Rich? 217 00:13:59,331 --> 00:14:02,664 Private Rich? 218 00:14:02,768 --> 00:14:05,134 Good morning. 219 00:14:05,237 --> 00:14:08,138 I came by to change your dressing. 220 00:14:09,274 --> 00:14:11,299 There. 221 00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:14,208 As long as I'm here, how about a nice sponge bath? 222 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,337 First we'll loosen your top. 223 00:14:17,916 --> 00:14:19,816 Just relax, Private. 224 00:14:19,918 --> 00:14:22,045 I've done this hundreds of times... 225 00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:25,646 and no one's ever died of embarrassment. 226 00:14:25,757 --> 00:14:28,282 You see, the technique in giving a sponge bath... 227 00:14:28,393 --> 00:14:32,193 is never to let the ""bathe-ee'' know that he's being bathed at all. 228 00:14:32,297 --> 00:14:36,996 You just keep looking at him straight in the eye and talking to him at the same time. 229 00:14:37,102 --> 00:14:39,002 Doesn't matter about what... 230 00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:41,664 just so long as he doesn't notice that he's being sponged... 231 00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:44,207 and soaped and rinsed off. 232 00:14:44,309 --> 00:14:46,834 And pretty soon, before he's even aware of it... 233 00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:49,812 he's had his very first sponge bath. 234 00:14:51,149 --> 00:14:53,117 There. Done. 235 00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:56,880 That wasn't so bad, now was it? 236 00:14:58,090 --> 00:15:00,615 Judging by that smile, I'd say no. 237 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,025 Well, Private, if you'll excuse me... 238 00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:06,097 I have some other patients to attend to. 239 00:15:06,198 --> 00:15:09,190 [ Man ] Hey, lamb chop. Bathe me next. 240 00:15:09,301 --> 00:15:11,769 - Sorry. You're too eager. - Morning, Major. 241 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:16,068 Oh, good morning, sir! Oh, Colonel, you look wonderful this morning. 242 00:15:16,174 --> 00:15:19,075 Back to your old self again. You've got that spunky look in your eyes. 243 00:15:19,177 --> 00:15:21,668 Leave it by the side of the road, Major. 244 00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:24,010 Feel better, sir. Please. 245 00:15:24,116 --> 00:15:28,075 Good morning, son. I'm Colonel Potter, the C.O. around here. 246 00:15:28,186 --> 00:15:31,587 Pleased to meet ya. From Texas, aren't ya? 247 00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:35,182 I just knew it. Friendliest boys in the world. 248 00:15:35,293 --> 00:15:38,057 I haven't met a Texan here yet who didn't offer up his hand... 249 00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:41,599 no matter how many tubes were comin' out of his arm. 250 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,830 I make it a point to meet everyone who passes through the 4077 th. 251 00:15:45,937 --> 00:15:49,805 I hope you'll excuse my not having stopped by before now... 252 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,867 but, uh, the last few days I've had something on my mind. 253 00:15:53,979 --> 00:15:57,847 - It's been kind of pushin' everything else out and I-- - Colonel Potter. 254 00:15:57,949 --> 00:15:59,974 Just a second, son. What is it, Klinger? 255 00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:04,784 Uh, two things, sir. First, ""I'' Corps is on the phone with their biweekly paper snafu. 256 00:16:04,890 --> 00:16:07,552 Second, and more important, I had nothing to do with it. 257 00:16:07,659 --> 00:16:09,559 I'd better get on it. Where's Radar? 258 00:16:09,661 --> 00:16:12,061 Anxiously waiting for you in his office, sir. Just look under his bunk. 259 00:16:12,164 --> 00:16:14,291 Well, speak to you later, son. 260 00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:17,698 If it's General Imbrie, please ask him if he got those flowers I sent him. 261 00:16:17,803 --> 00:16:19,771 Make a hole! 262 00:16:25,076 --> 00:16:27,135 That man's been like a father to me. 263 00:16:27,245 --> 00:16:29,577 Just wish he'd let up on the strap though. 264 00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:32,707 Hey, Rich, Captain Pierce said you could go ambulatory. 265 00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:35,378 How'd you like to see the rest of the grounds? 266 00:16:35,487 --> 00:16:37,455 Okay. Hang on. 267 00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:41,754 Lieutenant, would you mind bringing that wheelchair over here, please? 268 00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:45,318 We'll go by the Mess Tent, and you'll see how it got its name. 269 00:16:45,430 --> 00:16:49,867 If the trip gets too much for you, let me know and I'll have you home in no time, okay? 270 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,436 - All set? - Not exactly a Packard... 271 00:16:52,537 --> 00:16:54,505 but did you ever try to push a Packard? 272 00:16:54,606 --> 00:16:56,801 [ Imitating Jackie Gleason ] And away we go! 273 00:16:59,578 --> 00:17:01,808 I think we should march right into Colonel Potter's office... 274 00:17:01,913 --> 00:17:04,438 - and demand to know what's bothering him. - Absolutely right. 275 00:17:04,549 --> 00:17:06,449 When you get back, let me know what he said. 276 00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:09,019 That's the spirit, D'Artagnan. All for one and one for himself. 277 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,020 - Afternoon, sirs. - Klinger! 278 00:17:11,122 --> 00:17:16,219 - Hey, Rich! - I think the tour of the nurses' shower did him a world of good. 279 00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:18,728 Now you've come in here to look at the seamier side of the war, huh? 280 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:22,095 - Our daily bread is stale again. - This meat is from the Civil War. 281 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,033 Blue on one side, gray on the other. 282 00:17:25,136 --> 00:17:28,435 Oh, too much for you, huh, kid? Okay, we'll get you home. 283 00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:30,440 Hey, Klinger, you ought to know better than that. 284 00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:33,568 The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person. 285 00:17:45,624 --> 00:17:48,616 Howdy, Texas. 286 00:17:48,727 --> 00:17:52,128 You better remind them to clean up your room. You're goin' home soon. 287 00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:55,563 Now that you've got that pad, we can finally have a talk. 288 00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:59,296 Which part of the Lone Star state do you hail from? 289 00:18:02,841 --> 00:18:04,809 [ Chuckles ] You don't say. 290 00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:07,777 Got my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. 291 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:10,347 Good old San Antone. A bowl of chili down there... 292 00:18:10,448 --> 00:18:12,609 would keep you alive for days. 293 00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,242 - Uh, Colonel, you forgot to sign this chart. - I didn't forget. 294 00:18:15,353 --> 00:18:18,117 I'll sign it later. Now shoo! 295 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:27,194 I guess it shows, huh? 296 00:18:33,204 --> 00:18:36,970 It's, uh, Mildred, my wife back home. 297 00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:42,172 Lovely girl. We've been married for 3 5 years as of last Saturday. 298 00:18:43,648 --> 00:18:46,583 Every anniversary, no matter where I am... 299 00:18:46,685 --> 00:18:48,653 I manage to call her. 300 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,950 Tell her how much I-- 301 00:18:52,057 --> 00:18:54,457 Well, you know. 302 00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:56,527 This year-- 303 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,927 This year I clean forgot. 304 00:19:00,031 --> 00:19:03,660 My thoughts are so filled with this damn war... 305 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:07,101 I forgot her on our most important day. 306 00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:09,935 I just can't forgive myself for missing it. 307 00:19:14,479 --> 00:19:18,142 I'd like to, son. Even picked up the phone about 20 times. 308 00:19:19,751 --> 00:19:24,415 But there-- There's no excuse for my forgetting. 309 00:19:24,522 --> 00:19:27,685 - I don't know what to say to her. - Evening, boys. 310 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,317 - Excuse me, Pierce. - Colonel-- 311 00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:34,955 What? 312 00:19:35,066 --> 00:19:37,466 What is it? 313 00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:45,504 ""Forgo''-- Oh, yeah. ""Forgot''-- What? 314 00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:48,704 ""Forgot anni''-- ""Forgot anniversary.'' 315 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:52,271 Oh, so that's what's been getting under Dr.Jekyll's hide. 316 00:19:52,384 --> 00:19:54,375 All right, Pierce. Admit it. 317 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:58,855 You broke into my footlocker, and you read through my personal diary, didn't you, swine? 318 00:19:58,957 --> 00:20:01,653 Charles, in all the times I've broken into your footlocker... 319 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,921 I have never looked at your diary. 320 00:20:04,029 --> 00:20:07,089 - Then who drew all these disgusting pictures in it? - It's dry reading. 321 00:20:07,198 --> 00:20:10,224 - You need illustrations. - I've had it with you, Pierce. 322 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:13,498 - It's two-by-fours at dawn. - [ Gagging ] 323 00:20:13,605 --> 00:20:15,505 Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Rich. Take it easy. 324 00:20:15,607 --> 00:20:18,474 - [ Coughing ] - Something's irritating his airway. 325 00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:22,068 Kellye, give me that suction here. 326 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:24,740 Not doing too well, huh? 327 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,679 Still not getting any air around the tube. 328 00:20:30,789 --> 00:20:34,247 - Fractured larynx? - I don't know. It didn't show up before. 329 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,259 - We better take some more pictures, huh? - Mmm. 330 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:38,261 Kellye, you want to call for a litter? 331 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:42,197 - How are you around the larynx? - Tricky spot. I wouldn't trust it to anyone but me. 332 00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:45,030 We'll do it together. And I want credit in your diary. 333 00:20:45,136 --> 00:20:47,036 You still with me, kid? 334 00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:48,940 Let's get him into X-ray. 335 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,844 Doctor? 336 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,080 Colonel. 337 00:20:57,182 --> 00:21:00,345 - Rich, welcome back. - You gave us quite a scare, son. 338 00:21:00,452 --> 00:21:02,443 But fortunately for you, there was me. 339 00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:05,045 You were on the table for two hours, minus his curtain calls. 340 00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:08,216 - How is his airway? - So far, okay. 341 00:21:08,326 --> 00:21:11,295 Rich, you had a fractured larynx. That's what the problem was. 342 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:15,457 I'm gonna plug your tube, and I want you to talk very quietly and carefully. 343 00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:18,695 Just a few words now. Okay, talk. 344 00:21:18,803 --> 00:21:21,966 [ Weak Whisper ] Don't know what to say. 345 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,303 - You just spoke volumes. - Loud and clear. 346 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,707 As if there were any doubt. 347 00:21:26,811 --> 00:21:30,212 Good work, Pierce, although you never could have done it without me. 348 00:21:30,315 --> 00:21:32,875 Congratulations, kid. You're the talk of the town. 349 00:21:32,984 --> 00:21:35,179 Uh, Colonel Potter, there's a very important phone call for you. 350 00:21:35,286 --> 00:21:40,053 - Tell 'em to hold on, Radar. - Uh, it's Mrs. Colonel Potter, Colonel. 351 00:21:40,158 --> 00:21:42,854 - Mildred calling me? - Uh, no, sir. You called her. 352 00:21:42,961 --> 00:21:45,293 - What? - It's okay, sir. She understands. 353 00:21:45,396 --> 00:21:49,355 I explained this is the first time in a week you had a chance to talk to her, so talk to her. 354 00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:52,903 Colonel, wish her a belated happy anniversary for all of us, okay? 355 00:21:53,004 --> 00:21:57,464 I appreciate it, boys. Remind me to make it up to everybody. 356 00:21:57,575 --> 00:22:01,568 Nope. This I won't forget. 357 00:22:01,679 --> 00:22:04,204 - A gold star, Radar. - Yes, sir. 358 00:22:04,315 --> 00:22:06,647 - Hey, how's he doing? - Better. 359 00:22:06,751 --> 00:22:08,719 I told ya. 360 00:22:13,391 --> 00:22:16,656 Rich, I want to tell you something. 361 00:22:16,761 --> 00:22:20,527 That operation we had to perform on you was tricky, and, uh... 362 00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:23,897 I was a little worried. 363 00:22:24,002 --> 00:22:27,438 When we were carrying you on that litter... 364 00:22:27,539 --> 00:22:32,499 you-you gave me a look of confidence, and that, uh-- 365 00:22:32,610 --> 00:22:34,942 I just want you to know that helped a lot. 366 00:22:40,885 --> 00:22:43,410 [ Raspy ] Thank you. 367 00:22:50,028 --> 00:22:53,225 [ Man Over p.A.] Attention. Attention all personnel. 368 00:22:53,331 --> 00:22:57,097 The night evac bus leaves for Seoul in one minute. 369 00:22:57,202 --> 00:22:59,432 Immediate seating in the club car. 370 00:22:59,537 --> 00:23:01,437 All aboard.! 371 00:23:01,539 --> 00:23:04,838 Ah, Private Rich. Been nothing but trouble from the minute he came in here. 372 00:23:04,943 --> 00:23:07,969 - I'm glad he's leaving. - It's smooth sailing from here on, son. 373 00:23:08,079 --> 00:23:11,139 Evac hospital, Tokyo, then home to San Antone. 374 00:23:11,249 --> 00:23:14,013 - Sounds too good, Colonel. I'm going with him. - So long, sirs. 375 00:23:14,118 --> 00:23:16,018 Hey, hey. What did I tell you? 376 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,588 No unnecessary talking unless you meet a good-looking nurse. 377 00:23:18,690 --> 00:23:21,250 - Take care, son. - Let us know how everything turns out. 378 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,259 Have a nice life. 379 00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:25,522 [ Engine Starts ] 380 00:23:27,732 --> 00:23:29,666 We're going home! 381 00:23:29,767 --> 00:23:32,895 Well, how about it, buddy, huh? We made it! 382 00:23:33,004 --> 00:23:35,871 We made it! Yahoo!