1 00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:59,247 [Man On p.A.] Attention all personnel. Here is a sampling of world temperatures. 2 00:00:59,352 --> 00:01:01,877 - [Wind Gusting] - Miami Beach: A warm 85. 3 00:01:01,988 --> 00:01:04,456 Majorca: A balmy 79. 4 00:01:04,557 --> 00:01:06,457 Santiago, Chile? 5 00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:08,959 Not today. 94 degrees. 6 00:01:09,061 --> 00:01:12,553 And closer to home, we can expect a warming trend. 7 00:01:12,665 --> 00:01:16,999 Our midday temperatures reaching puberty levels... 13 to 16 degrees. 8 00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:21,205 - I'm not in your way, am I? - No. 9 00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:23,639 I'd like to be. 10 00:01:23,743 --> 00:01:26,041 Oh, swell. The fire's dying down. 11 00:01:26,145 --> 00:01:28,045 There's a dead log we can throw on the fire. 12 00:01:28,147 --> 00:01:31,548 Look at him. Charles, why aren't you freezing like the rest of us? 13 00:01:31,651 --> 00:01:34,051 Because I have your suffering to keep me warm. 14 00:01:34,153 --> 00:01:37,987 He's cold. He's gotta be cold. He's just doing the hot act to spite us. 15 00:01:38,090 --> 00:01:41,890 Actually, gentlemen, I am not altogether unaffected by this arctic blast... 16 00:01:41,994 --> 00:01:46,954 but I refuse to huddle around a fire like you two cringing pack wolves. 17 00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:50,797 Pack wolves? I've never been so insulted in my life! 18 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:53,235 - [Barking] - [Snarling] 19 00:01:53,339 --> 00:01:56,775 [Man On p.A.] Attention, supply truck entering compound. 20 00:01:56,876 --> 00:02:00,368 The faster we help unload, the faster we'll get out of the cold... 21 00:02:00,479 --> 00:02:03,414 and back into our freezing tents. 22 00:02:03,516 --> 00:02:05,416 [Moaning] 23 00:02:05,518 --> 00:02:07,543 [Charles Whistling] 24 00:02:07,653 --> 00:02:09,553 - Lovely day, isn't it, Margaret? - [Groans] 25 00:02:09,655 --> 00:02:11,623 The sun is shining. The breeze is blowing. 26 00:02:11,724 --> 00:02:14,158 And just listen to those birds dropping off the trees. 27 00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:17,627 - How could it ever get this cold? - Margaret, it's quite simple. 28 00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:21,325 You're only as cold as your mind allows you to be. It's a philosophical problem. 29 00:02:21,434 --> 00:02:23,334 - Philosophical? - Sure. 30 00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:26,564 My hands are so frozen, I'm gonna have to chisel them out of these gloves. 31 00:02:26,672 --> 00:02:29,106 - [Man] Is there a Major Winchester here? - Unfortunately. 32 00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:32,769 - Package for you. Special delivery. - Oh? 33 00:02:32,878 --> 00:02:36,370 It's from Mom and Dad. They worry about me so unnecessarily. 34 00:02:36,482 --> 00:02:39,246 You're still their little punishment from heaven, Charles. 35 00:02:39,352 --> 00:02:41,252 [Laughs] It's a polar suit! 36 00:02:41,354 --> 00:02:44,448 They shouldn't have. But then again. 37 00:02:44,557 --> 00:02:49,256 - Planning a trip to Mars? - Just what you needed, Mr. Mind Over Matter. 38 00:02:49,362 --> 00:02:52,058 How could Mumsy and Dad send you one and forget me? 39 00:02:52,164 --> 00:02:55,565 Don't stay out too long, children. Come in before it gets cold. 40 00:02:55,668 --> 00:02:57,795 [Chuckles] Polar suit. 41 00:02:57,903 --> 00:03:00,269 [Mock Chuckle] It'll look wonderful on you, Charles. 42 00:03:00,373 --> 00:03:03,103 Wear it in good health. Tonight we poison his food. 43 00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:05,370 Got a film for you here. 44 00:03:05,478 --> 00:03:08,345 It being winter in the army, I'll guess Nanook of the North. 45 00:03:08,447 --> 00:03:12,349 Close. Sonja Henie skating her guts out in Sun Valley Serenade. 46 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,215 You save the seats. I'll get the Eskimo pies. 47 00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:17,482 [Man On p.A.] Attention all personnel. Incoming wounded. 48 00:03:17,590 --> 00:03:21,788 - All medical teams are instructed to button up their overcoats. - [B.J.] The heat's on at last. 49 00:03:21,894 --> 00:03:26,763 Chest wound, type and cross. Two units of whole blood right now. 50 00:03:26,866 --> 00:03:29,300 Frostbite, left hand. Put some warm towels on it. 51 00:03:29,402 --> 00:03:32,769 Make sure the temperature's between 100 and 110. 52 00:03:32,872 --> 00:03:35,670 - Need some more warm compresses here. - [Margaret] On their way. 53 00:03:35,775 --> 00:03:37,675 Doc, I can't feel my foot. 54 00:03:37,777 --> 00:03:40,473 Don't worry. Here comes the spring thaw. 55 00:03:40,579 --> 00:03:43,173 - What about that? Can you feel that? - I don't know. 56 00:03:43,282 --> 00:03:45,443 All right, give it a minute. 57 00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:49,419 - Hey, it hurts. - Good. That's your circulation coming back. 58 00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:53,288 - [Moans] - It's okay. You can thank me later. Morphine, 10 milligrams. 59 00:03:53,392 --> 00:03:55,553 We've gotta keep these boys plenty warm tonight. 60 00:03:55,661 --> 00:03:58,391 You'll have to take some heaters from the tents again. 61 00:03:58,497 --> 00:04:01,523 Sir, the last time I did that they hid my glasses in the meat loaf. 62 00:04:01,634 --> 00:04:04,535 - Then do it when we're in O.R. - Oh, good thinking. 63 00:04:04,637 --> 00:04:07,333 They don't give you the big bird for being handsome. 64 00:04:09,108 --> 00:04:11,474 [Charles] All right, people. Attention here, please. Attention here. 65 00:04:11,577 --> 00:04:14,546 - This is the last of them. - I'll be the son of Princess Papuli. 66 00:04:14,647 --> 00:04:17,946 - What the hell is that? - It's Charles modeling his new winter home. 67 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,213 How can you wear that big thick suit in front of all these frostbite patients? 68 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,652 It's a little bulky, but I think I can manage. 69 00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:25,656 What possible good would it do them now? 70 00:04:25,758 --> 00:04:29,091 - Nurse, my harpoon. - [Mock Chuckle] 71 00:04:29,195 --> 00:04:31,356 - [Baker] Hawkeye? - Yeah. 72 00:04:33,632 --> 00:04:38,467 - What's up? - Very rapid pulse, but difficult to count 'cause it's so weak. 73 00:04:38,571 --> 00:04:41,096 - He's so cold it's not even registering. - Hypothermia? 74 00:04:41,207 --> 00:04:46,270 He must be about 85 degrees. Probably saved him though. 75 00:04:46,378 --> 00:04:50,212 Cold slowed down his metabolism. Otherwise, he might have bled to death. 76 00:04:50,316 --> 00:04:53,342 Start warming him here and then get him into O.R. I'll take him first thing. 77 00:04:53,452 --> 00:04:56,819 - Right. - All right, good humor men. Let's scrub up. 78 00:04:56,922 --> 00:05:00,824 - I hope you melt in that thing. - [Chuckles] So do I. 79 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,327 [Hawkeye] I don't believe it. Will you look at this guy? 80 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,797 He's ice cold. He must have been in the freezer section for hours. 81 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:11,267 - What's his temp? - It's still not registering. 82 00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:13,270 [B.J.] Dying in a winter wonderland. 83 00:05:13,372 --> 00:05:15,806 [Charles] Nurse, could you snap it up just a bit, please? 84 00:05:15,908 --> 00:05:20,971 I'd like to slip out of this abdomen and back into my nice warm suit. 85 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,277 [Hawkeye] Sponge. What I really need is ice tongs. 86 00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:26,510 - Rough goin', son? - Cleaned out his wound... 87 00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:30,055 but he's so cold he can't even get a rise out of his thermometer. 88 00:05:30,156 --> 00:05:32,716 - Suture. - Is there anything more I can do? 89 00:05:32,825 --> 00:05:35,089 Yeah. See if kissing this man will get his temperature up. 90 00:05:35,194 --> 00:05:37,526 - Doctor. - Kiss me and see what you can do for mine. 91 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:41,896 Pierce, before the major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up. 92 00:05:42,001 --> 00:05:44,765 Snitch. 93 00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:49,569 Look. Get a pan of hot water. Let's try warming the blood as it goes through the tubing. 94 00:05:49,675 --> 00:05:52,439 - Maybe that'll help bring him out of it. - Yes, Doctor. 95 00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:56,573 - [Knocking] - Coming! 96 00:05:56,682 --> 00:05:59,082 - [Gasps] - Major. 97 00:05:59,185 --> 00:06:01,779 - Oh, Admiral Byrd. - You look cold. 98 00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:04,014 - You noticed. - Yes, right away. 99 00:06:04,123 --> 00:06:06,057 Margaret, I've been thinking. It just isn't fair... 100 00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:10,458 me wearing this comfortable suit while you're working up a sweat to stay warm. 101 00:06:10,563 --> 00:06:13,327 - I'd like to rectify that. - Gloves? 102 00:06:13,432 --> 00:06:15,332 Fur-lined. They came with the suit. 103 00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:17,925 You were complaining about your hands. I'd like to propose a trade. 104 00:06:18,037 --> 00:06:20,369 Your thin gloves for these. 105 00:06:20,472 --> 00:06:22,667 I'd like to prove that I'm just as hearty as the next man. 106 00:06:22,775 --> 00:06:24,675 In this case, you. 107 00:06:24,777 --> 00:06:29,237 Gloves. Big deal! If you wanna prove how tough you are, give me your jacket. 108 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:33,148 Margaret, be practical. Take it or leave it. 109 00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:36,581 - Very well. - Major! 110 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:40,455 - Hmm? - It was very thoughtful of you. Thank you. 111 00:06:40,559 --> 00:06:44,017 - Just doing what little I can. - Ain't it the truth. 112 00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:47,098 [Hawkeye Moaning] 113 00:06:49,435 --> 00:06:52,495 - I don't believe it's getting colder! - Believe it! 114 00:06:52,605 --> 00:06:54,505 The mercury just went under for the third time. 115 00:06:54,607 --> 00:06:57,075 How do you like that little Fahrenheister stealing our stove again? 116 00:06:57,176 --> 00:06:59,736 This time I'm hiding his glasses in the latrine! 117 00:06:59,845 --> 00:07:03,372 - While he's wearing them. - [Gasps] 118 00:07:03,482 --> 00:07:05,950 Why is it so cold in here? Has the stove gone out? 119 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,815 - Right out the door. - What happened to it? 120 00:07:08,921 --> 00:07:10,821 Radar moved all the stoves into the post-op. 121 00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:12,823 Where they're short on polar suits. 122 00:07:12,925 --> 00:07:15,359 My hands. I mean, I can't expose them to this kind of cold. 123 00:07:15,461 --> 00:07:19,295 - Stick 'em under your armpits, Charles, and play us a tune. - [Chuckling] 124 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:23,391 Very funny. Well, never mind, gentlemen, for I have come prepared. 125 00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:27,268 I have already taken measures that are... 126 00:07:27,373 --> 00:07:29,273 absolutely useless! 127 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:31,275 Fits you like a glove. 128 00:07:31,377 --> 00:07:34,642 - The mess tent! There's a heater in there! - Let's go with him. 129 00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:37,841 You go first, Charles. Bring around the sled. Mush! 130 00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:39,884 Get out of my way! 131 00:07:39,985 --> 00:07:43,682 - [Screaming] - [Both Gasping] 132 00:07:43,789 --> 00:07:45,689 I think we can do it if we hold our breath. 133 00:07:45,791 --> 00:07:49,056 If you don't make it, can I have your wool socks? 134 00:07:49,161 --> 00:07:51,857 [Both Screaming] 135 00:07:51,964 --> 00:07:55,559 [All Shivering] 136 00:07:55,668 --> 00:07:59,764 - Baby, it's cold outside! - [All Shouting] Close the door! 137 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,508 Radar's been busy. 138 00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:06,134 Shall we mingle and break the ice? 139 00:08:06,245 --> 00:08:09,009 Well, you all have the right idea here. 140 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:12,572 But as a doctor, I assure you we'll all be warmer if we press our bodies together. 141 00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:17,281 So let's line up here. Girl, boy, girl. The rest of you are on your own. 142 00:08:17,389 --> 00:08:22,019 - Margaret, about the gloves... - Oh, yes, I do love them, Charles. They're so warm. 143 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,027 - Thank you. - Why aren't you wearing mine? 144 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,359 Actually, I don't... I don't, uh, need them. 145 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,400 I was concerned because I was making you wear those... 146 00:08:29,501 --> 00:08:32,868 during the painful breaking-in period. 147 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,337 - Breaking-in period? - Yes, of course. 148 00:08:35,441 --> 00:08:37,602 You see, in a glove such as this... 149 00:08:37,710 --> 00:08:40,372 there's usually a two-to-three day break-in period... 150 00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,504 during which the glove may be too tight... 151 00:08:42,614 --> 00:08:44,514 - But these aren't. - Or too loose. 152 00:08:44,616 --> 00:08:47,483 - No, no, no. - I haven't the right to ask you to go through that. 153 00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:51,249 - But you have the right. - I don't want the right. I want the gloves! 154 00:08:51,357 --> 00:08:54,349 Margaret, it could be very dangerous. 155 00:08:55,861 --> 00:08:57,829 I live for thrills. 156 00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:02,060 All right, let's take it from the top. One, two, three. 157 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,658 [All Singing] 158 00:09:06,372 --> 00:09:10,035 - Good. Men only. - [Men Singing] 159 00:09:10,142 --> 00:09:13,202 - Nurses! - [Nurses Singing] 160 00:09:13,312 --> 00:09:16,145 Good. Ladies who will meet me later in my tent, let's hear it. 161 00:09:16,248 --> 00:09:18,148 [Silence] 162 00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:20,150 You certainly know how to kill a party. 163 00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:24,313 You don't think this is the proverbial hell freezing over, do you, Father? 164 00:09:24,423 --> 00:09:28,416 Oh, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda. 165 00:09:29,628 --> 00:09:32,358 [All Booing] 166 00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:36,696 Colonel Potter, all the heaters that you ordered are in post-op as per your order, sir. 167 00:09:36,802 --> 00:09:39,828 - [Booing] - Don't let it bother you, Radar. 168 00:09:39,938 --> 00:09:42,338 Help yourself to a cup of hot chocolate. 169 00:09:42,441 --> 00:09:45,239 I'd like to, sir, but chocolate makes my face break out. 170 00:09:45,344 --> 00:09:47,278 Who's gonna know? 171 00:09:47,446 --> 00:09:52,110 Why me? Why ain't I back in Toledo lounging in some deserted junkyard? 172 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:55,812 Oh, that's good. Talking to yourself. You really are a wacko. 173 00:09:55,921 --> 00:10:00,381 [Chuckles] Yeah, but try and convince anybody who counts. Whoo! 174 00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:07,963 [Moaning] 175 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,398 Hey! Hey, enemy attack! 176 00:10:10,502 --> 00:10:13,471 Stay back! Stay back! What the hell's going on? 177 00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,472 - Klinger, are you all right? - Shelling! 178 00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:17,508 - [B.J.] Where's it coming from? - [Explosion] 179 00:10:17,609 --> 00:10:21,409 - [Klinger] Thataway! - Sir, would you mind getting off my foot? 180 00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:25,176 - Radar, I'm petrified! You'll have to wait. - [Explosion] 181 00:10:25,284 --> 00:10:27,343 - What's out there? - That's our minefield. 182 00:10:27,453 --> 00:10:30,422 Ours? They shouldn't go off like that until we tell 'em too! 183 00:10:30,522 --> 00:10:32,615 They'll be popping all night. I've seen it before. 184 00:10:32,724 --> 00:10:35,716 The frost and the ice contract the ground. The pressure sets 'em off. 185 00:10:35,828 --> 00:10:38,661 - Stop! - It's okay, Klinger. It's our minefield. 186 00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:41,198 - Stop the shelling! - They're friendly explosions. 187 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:44,326 He's really shaken up. Let's get him inside and give him something. 188 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,336 He can have what I'm having. 189 00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:49,566 - He's wearing his entire closet. - This'll clear out the moths. 190 00:10:49,675 --> 00:10:52,473 Hold on tight. He's liable to inhale your arm. 191 00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:55,376 Hey! Hey! You trying to kill me? 192 00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:57,915 This from a man who brushes his teeth with raw garlic. 193 00:10:58,016 --> 00:10:59,916 - Feel better now? - What? 194 00:11:00,018 --> 00:11:03,647 - You feel better now? - Don't do that. That's not funny. 195 00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:07,748 - What's not funny? - Quit kiddin' around, you guys. 196 00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:11,557 - Talk to me. Make some sounds. - We are making sounds. 197 00:11:11,663 --> 00:11:14,461 - Can't you hear it? - I can't hear it. What? 198 00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:18,730 I can see your mouth moving, but I can't hear any words. 199 00:11:18,837 --> 00:11:22,568 - I can't even hear myself. - Klinger, deafness will get you out of the army... 200 00:11:22,674 --> 00:11:26,110 but if this is a scam, I'll nail your sorry hide. 201 00:11:28,347 --> 00:11:32,681 - Inner-ear concussion? - Those mines will find you one way or the other. 202 00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:36,220 What are you saying? You're talking and I can't hear you! 203 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,552 - We know! - Take it easy, Klinger. There's a chance it'll clear up. 204 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,821 - What? What? What! - There's a chance it'll clear itself. 205 00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:45,920 Doctor, could you take a look at Sergeant Davalillo? His temperature's dropping. 206 00:11:46,031 --> 00:11:47,931 I'm on my way. Keep your eyes on his ears. 207 00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:52,996 Am I saying anything? I can't see myself talk. 208 00:11:53,105 --> 00:11:55,505 - Let me see myself. - Here. Stay with him. 209 00:11:55,607 --> 00:11:58,405 - Yeah. - Hello? Hello? 210 00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,569 I've never seen a hypothermia case this bad. 211 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,670 Would more blankets or a hot-water bottle help? 212 00:12:02,781 --> 00:12:05,443 He's got enough on him now to melt Siberia. 213 00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,951 Let's try something more drastic. 214 00:12:08,053 --> 00:12:10,817 Put a tube down in his stomach and lavage him with warm D.N.W. 215 00:12:10,923 --> 00:12:14,484 Start some warm-water enemas. If that doesn't work, we'll send for Gypsy Rose Lee. 216 00:12:14,593 --> 00:12:18,393 Max, it's me, Max Klinger! 217 00:12:20,432 --> 00:12:24,835 Oh, Max, how I yearn for the sound of your voice. 218 00:12:31,109 --> 00:12:33,407 - What's the good word? - Heat, which he's lacking. 219 00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:37,380 - No change? - We're in the fourth quarter of a very tight ball game. 220 00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:40,383 I think it's time to go in for the big play. 221 00:12:40,485 --> 00:12:43,682 - Okay. You call it. - Immerse him in warm water. 222 00:12:43,789 --> 00:12:46,155 Won't do much for his complexion, but it may just keep him alive. 223 00:12:46,258 --> 00:12:50,058 - Nope. Too risky. Could throw him into shock. - We gotta raise his temperature. 224 00:12:50,162 --> 00:12:52,687 Immersing could kill him. And what about post-op infection? 225 00:12:52,798 --> 00:12:56,791 That water's gonna migrate along those silk sutures. He'll have seepage into the wounds. 226 00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:58,631 Okay, you got several points. 227 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:02,195 Let's just give him a little more time. 228 00:13:02,307 --> 00:13:04,207 I'll stay here and watch him for a while. 229 00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,335 I was hoping you'd say that. I've got Sonja Henie warming up in the projector. 230 00:13:07,446 --> 00:13:09,505 I never thanked her for the autographed herring. 231 00:13:09,615 --> 00:13:12,914 They say skating's in the thighs. You ever notice Sonja Henie's thighs? 232 00:13:13,018 --> 00:13:15,111 Not me. I'm only interested in her mind. 233 00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,279 In my younger days, I used to dream... 234 00:13:17,389 --> 00:13:21,189 about skating away with her down a frozen fjord in Norway. 235 00:13:21,293 --> 00:13:23,193 Yeah, I really fell for her... 236 00:13:23,295 --> 00:13:25,286 again and again and again. 237 00:13:25,397 --> 00:13:29,993 [Shouting] I can't believe it. Look at me. I'm deaf! 238 00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:34,334 Why the hell couldn't they leave me in Toledo? I wasn't bothering anyone. 239 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,532 Wait a minute. 240 00:13:36,642 --> 00:13:39,338 Boy, you take things for granted, don't you? 241 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:43,039 All the beautiful sounds I'll never hear again. 242 00:13:43,148 --> 00:13:45,844 The sizzle of a Hungarian hot dog. 243 00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,215 The kiss of an eight ball. 244 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,982 The wail of police sirens and the cops yelling... 245 00:13:51,089 --> 00:13:53,853 "Hey, you, camel nose! Up against the wall!" 246 00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:56,223 - Can you hear all this? - Mm-hmm. 247 00:13:56,328 --> 00:14:00,162 The sweet "thwack" of a cue stick breaking over some guy's head. 248 00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:03,029 Gone. It's all gone. 249 00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:06,400 Oh, please, let me hear again! 250 00:14:06,505 --> 00:14:10,236 Now, Klinger, this is gonna make you feel better. Just like a shot in the arm. 251 00:14:10,342 --> 00:14:14,938 What do you mean you're gonna stick that in my ear? You think I can't read lips? 252 00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:17,743 - Nurse, a little help here. - You get away from me with that. 253 00:14:17,849 --> 00:14:20,784 - This is just a little sedative to help you sleep. - Oh, no, no. 254 00:14:20,886 --> 00:14:23,480 - Oh, yes. - Now, B.J. No, no. 255 00:14:23,588 --> 00:14:26,056 B.J., oh, no! No, no! [Moaning] 256 00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:30,060 - Okay, easy, easy. - [Sighs] 257 00:14:31,897 --> 00:14:34,195 Very nice. Okay. 258 00:14:34,299 --> 00:14:37,325 There you go. Good night, sweet prince. 259 00:14:37,436 --> 00:14:41,566 [Slurring] Oh, no. I can't see either. 260 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:44,073 [Classical] 261 00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:47,168 [Margaret] Oh, my. Just look how graceful that is. 262 00:14:47,279 --> 00:14:49,975 [Potter Chuckles] I'm loving this. 263 00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:52,812 [Charles] It's quite an amusing little film, isn't it, Margaret? 264 00:14:52,918 --> 00:14:55,250 - You can't have the gloves. - I thought I'd buy them from you. 265 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:58,288 - Or lease them if you prefer. - They're not for sale or lease. 266 00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:02,224 - Forty-five dollars is a fair price. - Watch the movie! 267 00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:05,296 - Fifty-five is my last offer. - And this is my last "no." 268 00:15:05,397 --> 00:15:07,058 Shh! 269 00:15:09,835 --> 00:15:13,293 [Potter] Radar, now watch this. This one'll be a real doozy. 270 00:15:13,405 --> 00:15:16,636 [Radar] Oh. Boy, how does she do that without throwing up? 271 00:15:16,742 --> 00:15:20,269 Father, watching Sonja Henie makes you believe in a supreme being. 272 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:22,938 You don't create something like that by accident. 273 00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:27,212 Yes. He must have been paying very close attention to his work that day. 274 00:15:27,319 --> 00:15:29,583 I tell you what. 275 00:15:29,688 --> 00:15:31,588 Why don't you give me those gloves now... 276 00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:34,682 and I'll have Mom send two pair from home next week, hmm? 277 00:15:34,793 --> 00:15:37,762 I don't care if she sends me a full house. No! 278 00:15:37,863 --> 00:15:40,832 - You'll be hearing from my attorney! - Shh! 279 00:15:40,932 --> 00:15:43,196 And that's an order! 280 00:15:46,838 --> 00:15:50,103 [Potter] I haven't seen such precision since Radio City Music Hall. 281 00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:54,406 Boy, those Rockettes. Ever see the Rockettes, Radar? 282 00:15:54,513 --> 00:15:58,609 - Just on the Fourth ofJuly, sir. - Right. 283 00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,844 - Margaret... - Are you still at it? 284 00:16:00,952 --> 00:16:04,149 Margaret, settle down. 285 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,486 I merely want to apologize for my behavior. 286 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,424 This bitter weather has turned me into an absolute cad. 287 00:16:09,528 --> 00:16:12,463 - You can say that again. - Can you ever forgive me, Margaret? 288 00:16:12,564 --> 00:16:16,125 - Oh, of course. - Ooh. Oh, that's warm. 289 00:16:22,641 --> 00:16:24,233 - Get Colonel Potter. - Now? 290 00:16:24,342 --> 00:16:26,310 Right now. 291 00:16:37,589 --> 00:16:40,080 Here's the part I've been waiting for. The big finale. 292 00:16:40,192 --> 00:16:44,925 This is supposed to be where she does a triple axle and ends up in a split! 293 00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:50,662 - [Whispering] - Oh, wouldn't you know. Now I'll never get to see it. 294 00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:54,499 His body temperature's still about 85 degrees. 295 00:16:54,606 --> 00:16:57,234 - His pulse is irregular. I think... - Okay, we immerse him. 296 00:16:57,342 --> 00:17:01,005 - No argument from me. - I suppose you figured out what we're gonna immerse him in. 297 00:17:01,112 --> 00:17:03,046 Sure. B.J.? 298 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:05,844 Thank you. Let's see. Um, sink's too small. 299 00:17:05,951 --> 00:17:08,078 - What about a tent canvas? - Too awkward. 300 00:17:08,186 --> 00:17:12,555 - Colonel, you should have seen the end of the movie. - Not now, Radar. 301 00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,285 It was no Song of Bernadette, but it had some fine moments. 302 00:17:15,393 --> 00:17:17,759 Radar, we've gotta dunk Davalillo in some hot water. 303 00:17:17,863 --> 00:17:20,297 - What have you got big enough to hold him? - All of him? 304 00:17:20,398 --> 00:17:22,423 - A sink? - That's already been sunk. 305 00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:24,832 - Bubble off one of the choppers. - How you gonna get it off? 306 00:17:24,936 --> 00:17:27,837 - I'm not. It's a lousy idea. - Radar? 307 00:17:27,939 --> 00:17:30,271 - You're gonna think it's funny. - What? What? 308 00:17:30,375 --> 00:17:33,242 - Come on, son. Tell us. - You promise you won't think it's weird? 309 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:35,575 I promise! I promise! 310 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,240 - What about a coffin? - Radar, that's weird. 311 00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,080 - But it's a great idea. - Can you dig one up? 312 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:44,622 - There's one in the Supply room. - We were shooting craps on it a couple of nights ago. 313 00:17:44,723 --> 00:17:46,748 - Gotta be lined with ponchos. - Radar, let's get it! 314 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:51,192 - Okay, I'll get it. - It'll be nice putting a coffin to good use for a change. 315 00:17:53,999 --> 00:17:56,297 - Where is it, Radar? - I don't know. 316 00:18:01,273 --> 00:18:04,936 "Standard snow boot. Model L-51 G." 317 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,102 Radar, why weren't these snow boots distributed? 318 00:18:08,647 --> 00:18:12,344 - They're not exactly regulation. - Sixty pair like that? 319 00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:14,680 No, some have straps. 320 00:18:16,922 --> 00:18:19,015 There's our box. Uh, tub. 321 00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:21,422 Yeah. Father, you mind if I take that end? 322 00:18:21,526 --> 00:18:25,462 - 'Cause walking backwards always makes me nauseous. - By all means, Radar. 323 00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:36,503 [Grunts] Holy cow, is this heavy. Let me get a better grip. 324 00:18:39,778 --> 00:18:41,973 Oh, no, no, no, no. 325 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,913 - What's the matter? - Hey, I know what's in here. 326 00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:48,247 I mean, who's in there. I mean, I don't know who who but I know what who. 327 00:18:48,353 --> 00:18:50,821 - Radar, get hold of yourself. - There's a whatchamacallit in there! 328 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:53,083 - No, there isn't. - Yes, there is! 329 00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:55,159 Oh, no, Father! Don't do that! 330 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,160 - Look. - Oh, no! You look! 331 00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,925 - Radar! - Oh, my gosh, Father. Put it back on him. 332 00:19:01,032 --> 00:19:03,023 Radar... 333 00:19:03,134 --> 00:19:07,833 the dear-departed snow boots. 334 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:11,033 If you can forget what it is, this makes a real nice bathtub. 335 00:19:11,142 --> 00:19:14,908 You bathe in it. It's like a scene from Esther Williams meets Dracula. 336 00:19:15,013 --> 00:19:17,777 Fifteen more minutes, he's got the world's record for backstroke in a coffin. 337 00:19:17,882 --> 00:19:21,113 His heartbeat is really irregular. 338 00:19:21,219 --> 00:19:24,120 We're losing him. 339 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,958 - Uh-oh. I've lost it. Cardiac arrest! - Get him out of here! 340 00:19:32,063 --> 00:19:33,894 - Clear that gurney! - Get it off! 341 00:19:33,999 --> 00:19:35,694 [Hawkeye] Ambu bag.! 342 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,995 [Potter] Calcium and two amps ofbicarb.! 343 00:19:38,103 --> 00:19:40,663 [Hawkeye] I'll get up on top. 344 00:19:40,772 --> 00:19:44,674 - Ambu bag. - Get some calcium and bicarb. 345 00:19:44,776 --> 00:19:46,676 [Potter] Okay, I'm doing it. 346 00:19:46,778 --> 00:19:48,837 Get any pulse? 347 00:19:50,281 --> 00:19:52,340 [Potter] Nothing. Keep it up, Hawk. 348 00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:56,986 Anything? 349 00:19:59,457 --> 00:20:02,153 Yeah, fairly regular and strong. 350 00:20:05,397 --> 00:20:08,491 - [Exhales] - He's breathing on his own. 351 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,535 Set up some oxygen. Eight liters per minute. 352 00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:16,039 - You were right about the shock. - Yeah, but he's a lot warmer. 353 00:20:16,141 --> 00:20:18,041 I think we got it. 354 00:20:18,143 --> 00:20:21,112 Let's get him back to bed and continue as before. 355 00:20:21,212 --> 00:20:23,772 That hot bath turned the trick. 356 00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:27,775 Looks like your suggestion saved his life, Radar. 357 00:20:27,886 --> 00:20:31,447 Oh, yeah. Of course, those guys helped a little too. 358 00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:35,549 - Anybody wanna buy a used coffin? - Not on your life. 359 00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:39,289 Hey, hey, what's the ruckus? You people are really rude. 360 00:20:39,397 --> 00:20:41,729 Can't a guy get a little sleep? 361 00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:45,269 I can hear. I can hear! Come on. Say something! 362 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,962 - Attaboy! - Hey, that's great! 363 00:20:47,072 --> 00:20:48,630 - Congratulations, Klinger. - Proud of ya, son. 364 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:50,833 - Saints be praised! - Congratulations, Klinger. Saints be praised! 365 00:20:50,942 --> 00:20:53,274 Proud of ya, son. Attaboy. Hey, that's great. 366 00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:56,905 - I heard every word! [Laughing] - You're lucky, son. 367 00:20:57,015 --> 00:20:59,848 Oh, I can hear you. I can hear everything! 368 00:20:59,951 --> 00:21:03,944 [Singing] 369 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:05,955 I think I liked him better the other way. 370 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,082 I heard that. I heard that! 371 00:21:08,193 --> 00:21:11,162 Too bad, son. Loss of hearing was a perfect out. 372 00:21:11,262 --> 00:21:14,459 - You can't hear. You can't be in the army. - We do have our standards. 373 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:17,296 - I can't believe my ears. - Sorry, Klinger. Maybe next time. 374 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:19,597 - What was that, sir? - All right, Klinger. 375 00:21:19,704 --> 00:21:22,434 What did you say, sir? It's gone again. I can't hear now. 376 00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:24,440 - It's too late, stud. - Ey? 377 00:21:24,542 --> 00:21:26,442 Knock it off! It won't work! 378 00:21:26,544 --> 00:21:30,173 All right, you don't have to yell. What do you think I am, deaf? 379 00:21:36,154 --> 00:21:39,419 Father, before we drink this blessed soup, would you like to bless it? 380 00:21:39,524 --> 00:21:43,551 Oh, yeah. Well, looks like I'm on. 381 00:21:43,661 --> 00:21:47,324 Dear Lord, for what we are about to receive, we thank thee. 382 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:52,165 In reference to our conversation of yesterday, it's still rather nippy down here. 383 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:57,003 - There. How's that? Oh. Amen. - [All] Amen. 384 00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,668 Okay, Father. You blessed it, you taste it. 385 00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:02,075 Might as well go all the way. 386 00:22:05,383 --> 00:22:08,546 - Well? - Eh. 387 00:22:08,653 --> 00:22:11,781 - Klinger, do the honors, will you? - [All Chattering] 388 00:22:11,890 --> 00:22:15,849 Here you are, Margaret. No point in both of us waiting in that line. 389 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,520 - How considerate. - De nada. 390 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:20,791 - Thank you. - Thank you.