1 00:00:54,547 --> 00:00:57,675 [Whistling Ballad] 2 00:01:12,665 --> 00:01:14,633 Colonel, can I interrupt your creative painting? 3 00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:17,100 Not when I'm working with the fine tip, Radar. 4 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:19,637 I think you're gonna wanna hear this when I tell you why. 5 00:01:19,739 --> 00:01:22,264 - Okeydokey. - Okay. "l" Corps called and... 6 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:24,434 - What do you think? - Hmm? 7 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,876 Oh, uh, that's you, sir. 8 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:30,141 The only thing in camp I haven't painted yet. 9 00:01:30,249 --> 00:01:33,480 I just wish I could find someone with healthy cuticles. 10 00:01:33,586 --> 00:01:35,554 - Okay. What's the poop? - Yeah. 11 00:01:35,655 --> 00:01:38,715 "L" Corps reports that there's a big storm on the way from Manchuria... 12 00:01:38,824 --> 00:01:40,724 and it should be here tonight. 13 00:01:40,826 --> 00:01:43,659 We could expect heavy winds and temperatures close to freezing. 14 00:01:43,763 --> 00:01:45,663 We've gotta batten everything down. 15 00:01:45,765 --> 00:01:47,960 - Let's make out a checklist. - I made out a checklist. 16 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,865 - Good boy. What about the water tower? - There's the water tower. 17 00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:54,201 Uh-huh. Get a bunch of people to reinforce it. 18 00:01:54,307 --> 00:01:57,105 In a storm, that thing sways out there like Little Egypt. 19 00:01:57,209 --> 00:01:59,109 - What about... - The tent flaps need to be secured. 20 00:01:59,211 --> 00:02:00,678 - Aha! - What? 21 00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:04,876 I gotcha! I was gonna say nail down the windows in post-op. 22 00:02:04,984 --> 00:02:06,679 - Rats. - [Chuckling] 23 00:02:06,786 --> 00:02:10,244 Colonel, where... Colonel, where is my chopper to Seoul? 24 00:02:10,356 --> 00:02:12,916 You got me. Did you look under your bunk? 25 00:02:13,025 --> 00:02:15,550 - [Chuckles] That's a good one. - [Charles Clears Throat] 26 00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:19,392 Colonel, I have wasted an entire hour of my first vacation from hell... 27 00:02:19,498 --> 00:02:22,331 waiting for my propellered chariot to freedom. 28 00:02:22,435 --> 00:02:24,903 Will you call... please... call the dispatcher... 29 00:02:25,004 --> 00:02:27,165 and find out what's holding up that goofball. 30 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:29,173 - Major, can I drop these? - Yes! 31 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:32,039 - [Loud Clatter] - Gently! You idiot. 32 00:02:32,144 --> 00:02:34,635 My guess is your chopper ain't comin', Major. 33 00:02:34,747 --> 00:02:36,908 There's a big wind expected from the north. 34 00:02:37,016 --> 00:02:41,316 - Seoul probably grounded everything in its path. - No, no! No! 35 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:44,321 They can't do this to me. I have reservations in Tokyo. 36 00:02:44,423 --> 00:02:47,517 I have a suite with a king-size bed, my own bathroom! 37 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,526 That's why you packed all the magazines. 38 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,620 - Don't let it come to tears, Major. Radar. - Yes, sir? 39 00:02:52,732 --> 00:02:55,360 - Sign him out a jeep to Seoul. - Right away, sir. 40 00:02:55,468 --> 00:03:00,167 If you can beat the storm, theJapan shuttle may still be flying. 41 00:03:00,272 --> 00:03:04,368 Yes, of course! Inspired, Colonel. Klinger, get the bags. You'll drive. 42 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:08,436 Hey, wait a minute. I ain't crazy. If l... You didn't hear that, sir. 43 00:03:08,547 --> 00:03:11,675 If I drive you to Seoul, that means I gotta come back in the storm. Uh-uh. 44 00:03:11,784 --> 00:03:15,242 Klinger, we are wasting time. Twenty dollars. It's my final offer. 45 00:03:15,354 --> 00:03:17,254 - No. - All right. 300. 46 00:03:17,356 --> 00:03:20,450 Klinger, get him out of my hair, and you can stay in Seoul overnight. 47 00:03:20,559 --> 00:03:23,392 Now you're talking. I can finally pick up those junior miss patterns. 48 00:03:23,496 --> 00:03:25,191 - Whatever. - I'll drive. 49 00:03:25,297 --> 00:03:27,265 There is a God. Come on, Klinger. Get packing. 50 00:03:27,366 --> 00:03:29,698 - Thanks, Colonel. - Wait a minute. 51 00:03:29,802 --> 00:03:32,134 Nah. Too hairy. 52 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:35,034 That takes care of the stakes. 53 00:03:35,141 --> 00:03:37,439 [Hawkeye] Don't bring 'em in yet. I haven't made the coleslaw. 54 00:03:37,543 --> 00:03:39,443 - Are you gonna come out here and help? - I can't. 55 00:03:39,545 --> 00:03:41,445 I'm hiding under a giant paperweight. 56 00:03:41,547 --> 00:03:44,573 You're gonna be sorry. I only tied down my half of the tent. 57 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,878 Don't knock yourself out. 58 00:03:46,986 --> 00:03:49,420 Beej, relax, enjoy yourself. 59 00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:51,422 This windstorm is nature's cease-fire. 60 00:03:51,524 --> 00:03:53,492 The war will be called on account of bad weather. 61 00:03:53,592 --> 00:03:55,856 - They still give rain checks. - [Knocking] 62 00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:59,453 - You can huff, you can puff, but you'll never... - Come in. 63 00:03:59,565 --> 00:04:03,126 - Hi there, guys. - Ah! Bigelow, step on in. 64 00:04:03,235 --> 00:04:06,068 Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her. 65 00:04:06,172 --> 00:04:09,107 I've only got a second. Major Houlihan's got me on a detail. 66 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,837 - She's a stickler for details. - Hawkeye, I'm planning a little get-together later. 67 00:04:12,945 --> 00:04:15,106 Hot chocolate and marshmallows. Would you like to come by? 68 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:18,411 - Oh, let me see. Who else is invited? - No one. 69 00:04:18,517 --> 00:04:22,283 - Your kind of crowd. - I'll be there with bells on. You'll love me in bells. 70 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:25,516 - Shall we say about 8:00? - 7:30. I like a half hour to warm up. 71 00:04:25,624 --> 00:04:27,524 [Chuckling] Gotta run. 72 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,961 I envy her tonight. 73 00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:32,963 Bigelow! 74 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:35,829 - Major, I was just about... - About to go on report, Lieutenant! 75 00:04:35,935 --> 00:04:38,460 I put you on a detail to help secure this camp. 76 00:04:38,571 --> 00:04:41,506 - Oh, Major. - We're preparing for a crisis, Lieutenant. 77 00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:43,666 That is the worst time to "Oh, Major" me. 78 00:04:43,776 --> 00:04:45,903 My nurses are gonna pull their weight through this. 79 00:04:46,011 --> 00:04:49,208 Is that understood? Good! Then move! 80 00:04:49,315 --> 00:04:53,479 - Oh, Margaret, it's you. I thought it was the storm. - [Grunts] 81 00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:56,555 [Charles] Klinger, we are not on our way to Grandmother's house. 82 00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:58,282 Cook it! 83 00:04:58,390 --> 00:05:01,621 Major, there's a reason why you never see these things racing at Indianapolis. 84 00:05:01,727 --> 00:05:04,628 Don't give me excuses. Give me speed. We gotta make time. 85 00:05:04,730 --> 00:05:07,665 What do you want? I'm doing 25, and my foot's bleeding. 86 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:11,133 Oh, fine! Run it, Klinger. Run it. Run it. Come on! 87 00:05:14,406 --> 00:05:16,306 Coward. 88 00:05:16,408 --> 00:05:18,672 How could we possibly be speeding? 89 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,677 You gentlemen on your way to Seoul? 90 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,646 No. Chicago! [Forced Laugh] 91 00:05:23,749 --> 00:05:26,809 - What seems to be the problem? - If you stay on this road... 92 00:05:26,919 --> 00:05:29,479 you're gonna have to follow a large convoy that just went through. 93 00:05:29,588 --> 00:05:31,488 You better allow yourself three hours. 94 00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:33,490 [Shrieks] 95 00:05:33,592 --> 00:05:35,651 Don't mind him. He just lost his reason for living. 96 00:05:35,761 --> 00:05:37,729 I can give you an alternate route. 97 00:05:37,830 --> 00:05:39,889 We'll go by jungle vine. What is it? 98 00:05:39,999 --> 00:05:43,901 - You wanna write this down? - No, no. We gotta make time. Gotta make time. 99 00:05:44,003 --> 00:05:47,097 Okay. Go back about a mile, make a right. 100 00:05:47,206 --> 00:05:49,606 Continue on until you hit a cluster ofhuts. 101 00:05:49,708 --> 00:05:52,609 Make another right. Keep going until you come to a fork. 102 00:05:52,711 --> 00:05:55,271 Bear left around the mountain. 103 00:05:55,381 --> 00:05:58,179 On the other side of the mountain, you pick up a main road. 104 00:05:58,284 --> 00:06:00,445 Take you right into Seoul. Got it? 105 00:06:00,553 --> 00:06:02,453 Right. Now, where do we go from here? 106 00:06:02,555 --> 00:06:04,455 I've got it. Come on. Gotta make time. 107 00:06:04,557 --> 00:06:07,117 Any truck stops along the way where we can grab something to eat? 108 00:06:07,226 --> 00:06:10,389 - Klinger! - Gotta make time. Gotta make time. 109 00:06:11,864 --> 00:06:13,764 - Don't let this scare you guys. - [Chirruping] 110 00:06:13,866 --> 00:06:15,766 Just think of it as getting dark early. 111 00:06:18,137 --> 00:06:21,470 [Tsk] Come on, Babette. Will you give me a break once? 112 00:06:21,574 --> 00:06:23,474 Bongo, can't you quiet her down? 113 00:06:25,477 --> 00:06:27,377 [Sighs] Okay. 114 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,907 Okay. I know, I know. Come on. 115 00:06:35,988 --> 00:06:38,752 [Singing Lullaby] 116 00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:50,769 - [Stops Singing] - Radar! 117 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,837 You know the rest. 118 00:06:52,938 --> 00:06:55,429 Radar, can you help me strike the bulletin boards? 119 00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:58,203 I'd hate to see any of my bingo announcements blow into the wrong hands. 120 00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:02,679 Oh, sure, Father. Father, uh, you think they'll be okay? 121 00:07:02,781 --> 00:07:04,840 Well, uh, let's make sure, huh? 122 00:07:04,950 --> 00:07:09,512 [Murmuring In Latin] 123 00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:11,852 [Chuckles] That ought to do it. 124 00:07:13,459 --> 00:07:15,359 See you Sunday. 125 00:07:17,029 --> 00:07:20,988 Major, we're lost, as in, "Officer, have you seen my mommy?" 126 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,500 - Why didn't you listen to the directions? - Me? 127 00:07:23,602 --> 00:07:25,968 You're the one who said, "I got it, I got it." 128 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,971 Come on. We're gonna get caught in the storm. 129 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,041 - Let's turn back. - Turn back? 130 00:07:30,142 --> 00:07:32,975 Klinger, if you utter tho... Keep your eyes on the road! 131 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,275 If you utter those words one more time, I will place you under arrest. 132 00:07:36,382 --> 00:07:39,715 Drive on. We should be rolling up to those huts anytime now. 133 00:07:39,818 --> 00:07:43,276 Yeah, if we don't fall off the edge of the Earth first. 134 00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:46,822 - [Wind Blowing] - Looks like we're in for a quiet evening, Sheriff. 135 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,155 Yep, a real "Doc Holiday." 136 00:07:50,462 --> 00:07:53,522 Well, how's Private Yeager in his semiprivate room? 137 00:07:54,566 --> 00:07:56,932 [Loud Crash] 138 00:07:57,036 --> 00:07:58,936 - What's that? - I don't know. 139 00:07:59,038 --> 00:08:02,838 - The water tower blew over. Come on. There's people hurt. - Our quiet night. 140 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,466 [O.R. Chatter] 141 00:08:05,577 --> 00:08:07,704 - Set him down over there, boys. - I think we got everybody. 142 00:08:07,813 --> 00:08:10,077 - [Potter] We'll close that up with a couple of stitches. - Pretty shocky. 143 00:08:10,182 --> 00:08:11,877 Whole blood and get him into O.R. 144 00:08:11,984 --> 00:08:13,975 - He was on top of that thing when it gave. - Hawk.! 145 00:08:14,086 --> 00:08:16,054 - What do you have, Margaret? - It's Bigelow. Take a look, please! 146 00:08:16,155 --> 00:08:18,646 - Oh, God. - Hi, Hawkeye. 147 00:08:18,757 --> 00:08:20,918 - Hi, yourself. What were you doing out there? - I detailed her... 148 00:08:21,026 --> 00:08:22,926 and some of the nurses to help out on the tower. 149 00:08:23,028 --> 00:08:25,861 - They were handing up ropes... - All right, Margaret. She's gonna be all right. 150 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,932 - [Groans] - [Hawkeye] Where? 151 00:08:28,033 --> 00:08:30,467 - My left side. - Her left side. 152 00:08:30,569 --> 00:08:32,469 - My left shoulder. - Her left shoulder. 153 00:08:32,571 --> 00:08:34,562 - Thank you. - [Groaning] 154 00:08:34,673 --> 00:08:37,198 - All right. Take it easy. - [Groans] 155 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,403 She's bleeding internally. We're gonna have to operate. 156 00:08:40,512 --> 00:08:42,776 - I think it's a ruptured spleen. Let's prep her. - I'm assisting you. 157 00:08:42,881 --> 00:08:44,576 Right. Play hard to get. 158 00:08:44,683 --> 00:08:50,212 - Major, this wind is blowing right up my skirt. - Keep moving! 159 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:53,155 I'd turn back if I knew which way that was. 160 00:08:54,293 --> 00:08:56,523 A hut! Is that a hut? 161 00:08:56,628 --> 00:08:59,426 No, it can't be. What is that? 162 00:08:59,531 --> 00:09:01,431 What on earth is that thing? 163 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:05,970 - That's a six-by. - Oh, that's what it is. Keep going. 164 00:09:06,071 --> 00:09:08,938 - Wait a minute. - [Man Shouts, Indistinct] 165 00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:12,010 - I think I hear someone. - [Shouting Continues] 166 00:09:12,111 --> 00:09:14,170 [Sighs] Go ahead. 167 00:09:19,151 --> 00:09:22,746 Major! There's three guys back here, and they're hurt! 168 00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:26,416 Of course. What else? 169 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:29,892 - There's another one up here! - [Groaning] 170 00:09:29,995 --> 00:09:33,897 - [Groaning, Calling, Indistinct] - They're not Americans. 171 00:09:33,999 --> 00:09:36,900 - [Speaking Foreign Language] - Sounds like Greek to me. 172 00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:41,302 - Don't they know how to drive? - I'm gonna help this guy up front. 173 00:09:41,407 --> 00:09:43,307 That's a swell idea. 174 00:09:43,409 --> 00:09:45,934 Aw, this is great. We're lost... 175 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,012 there's a freezing storm on its way... 176 00:09:48,113 --> 00:09:50,013 and no one knows we're missing. 177 00:09:50,115 --> 00:09:52,015 We'll be lucky if we make it through the night. 178 00:09:52,117 --> 00:09:54,551 How wonderful it is to travel with you. 179 00:10:00,092 --> 00:10:02,322 [Breathing Heavily] 180 00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:13,068 All right. This should make you more comfortable... 181 00:10:13,172 --> 00:10:16,335 if you overlook the fact that none of us are gonna see our homes again. 182 00:10:16,442 --> 00:10:19,536 [Speaking Greek] 183 00:10:19,645 --> 00:10:21,840 Do you by chance speak one of the Romance languages? 184 00:10:21,947 --> 00:10:24,575 [Greek] 185 00:10:24,683 --> 00:10:26,981 All right, I'm coming. Klinger. 186 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,747 That's the last of your luggage. Will you be changing for dinner? 187 00:10:29,855 --> 00:10:31,755 Ah, wonderful. 188 00:10:31,857 --> 00:10:35,224 All the years of travel, training, education. 189 00:10:35,327 --> 00:10:37,921 Where do I spend my final hours? In a truck. 190 00:10:38,030 --> 00:10:40,089 Major, you can't just give up. 191 00:10:40,199 --> 00:10:43,896 Sure, right now, things look a little bad, lousy maybe. 192 00:10:44,002 --> 00:10:46,095 Okay, hopeless. But you can't give up. 193 00:10:46,205 --> 00:10:48,105 Klinger, come here. Displaced shoulder. 194 00:10:48,207 --> 00:10:51,005 - Hold him down. This is gonna be painful. - Oh, gotcha. 195 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:53,043 - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. - Okay. 196 00:10:53,145 --> 00:10:55,579 - [Screams, Gasping] - Okay, pal. Okay. 197 00:10:55,681 --> 00:10:58,514 There we go. Easy, easy. Easy, easy. 198 00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,642 All right, Klinger, I will play your little charade. 199 00:11:00,752 --> 00:11:03,778 - [Soldier Groaning] - Everything is going to be just grand. 200 00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:06,414 - [Continues Groaning] - Good Lord. What's this? 201 00:11:06,525 --> 00:11:09,289 - What's wrong? - [Gasping] 202 00:11:09,394 --> 00:11:12,454 Traumatic chest. Possible pneumothorax. 203 00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:14,088 - What? - Chest wound. 204 00:11:14,199 --> 00:11:16,690 - We may need a chest tube. Help me raise him. - I'm here, sir. 205 00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,771 - Come on, son. - [Groaning] 206 00:11:19,872 --> 00:11:23,137 That's it. Easy, easy. Good Lord. 207 00:11:23,242 --> 00:11:26,370 What I wouldn't give to be back in that little cheese box of an operating room. 208 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,276 This guy's shoulder is cut pretty bad. The bleeding isn't stopping. 209 00:11:29,381 --> 00:11:32,077 - [Continues Gasping] - Give me the second-largest alligator valise. 210 00:11:32,184 --> 00:11:34,516 - With "C.E.W." embossed in gold? - That's the one. 211 00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:36,713 A far cry from my set of matched shopping bags. 212 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:39,689 - All right. - [Groaning] 213 00:11:39,791 --> 00:11:41,850 We'll make bandages out of my shirts, bind his shoulder. 214 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:45,225 That should hold him until we're found... hah! And other dreams. 215 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:49,232 Oh, sir! 100% silk! Could I keep a swatch? 216 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,234 All right, I'm gonna close my eyes now. 217 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:55,932 I want you to... rip those shirts into bandage strips. 218 00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,669 [Yelps, Groans] 219 00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:01,439 - Sorry, sir. - Go ahead. I'll be all right. 220 00:12:01,547 --> 00:12:04,072 - Major, you know, I'm thinking. - [Shirt Ripping] 221 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:09,586 - Maybe I should go out and find some help. - Bad idea. No. Absolutely not. 222 00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:13,215 You're much better staying here, helping me through this ordeal. 223 00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:16,817 You see, I'm afraid, Klinger. 224 00:12:16,929 --> 00:12:20,626 Okay, yes, there it is, out in the open for all to hear. 225 00:12:20,732 --> 00:12:24,498 I'm afraid. Never had to deal with anything like this before. 226 00:12:24,603 --> 00:12:28,300 Here, another strip. No, no. You stay here. 227 00:12:28,407 --> 00:12:29,999 I was hoping you'd say that, sir. 228 00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:34,775 It's okay, everybody. It's just me. 229 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:40,011 Oh, yeah, I know. I know. It'll be all right in the morning. 230 00:12:40,118 --> 00:12:42,086 I'm just doin' a bed check now. 231 00:12:44,590 --> 00:12:46,490 Babette, where are you? 232 00:12:46,592 --> 00:12:49,686 Oh, my gosh! Bongo, how did this cage get open? 233 00:12:49,795 --> 00:12:53,629 Oh, gee! Okay, don't worry about it. I'll get her. 234 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,895 Babette! Babette! 235 00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:58,867 Here, Babsy! [Whistles] 236 00:12:58,971 --> 00:13:00,996 Babsy? Babsy! 237 00:13:01,106 --> 00:13:03,870 [Hawkeye] It's closing time. 238 00:13:03,976 --> 00:13:05,944 That was a pretty-good-size bleeder there, Bigelow... 239 00:13:06,044 --> 00:13:08,103 but I think we got you under control. 240 00:13:08,213 --> 00:13:10,647 - You can relax now, Margaret. - Set up another pint of blood! 241 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,979 Hey, I'm supposed to say that. Set up another pint of blood. 242 00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:16,612 - Get some A.B.D. S for bandages. - You're reading my mind. 243 00:13:16,722 --> 00:13:18,690 Margaret, your nurse is gonna pull through... 244 00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:20,690 but you have to let me be the doctor. 245 00:13:20,792 --> 00:13:22,692 You're right. I guess I'm just a little edgy. 246 00:13:22,794 --> 00:13:24,762 - No problem. Scis... - Scissors! 247 00:13:24,863 --> 00:13:27,354 [Radar] Excuse me! Sirs? Have any of you seen my guinea pig? 248 00:13:27,466 --> 00:13:30,367 I went out to check her cage, and he wasn't there. And he's a she. 249 00:13:30,469 --> 00:13:33,597 Whoa, Radar, slow down. You're making less sense than usual. 250 00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,605 My guinea pig Babsy is missing. 251 00:13:35,707 --> 00:13:37,834 - Babsy? - It's short for Babette. 252 00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:41,208 That's different. Margaret, has anything crawled up your leg in the last few minutes? 253 00:13:41,313 --> 00:13:44,339 That animal better not be in here! It'll contaminate everything! 254 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:47,714 "Contaminate"? I bathe her every day. She's cleaner than me. 255 00:13:47,819 --> 00:13:49,878 - What isn't? - Radar, relax, will ya? 256 00:13:49,988 --> 00:13:52,616 She's probably hiding in some nice warm corner doing her nails. 257 00:13:52,724 --> 00:13:55,591 Okay, but listen. If you see her, let me know, will ya? 258 00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:59,289 Geez, you feed 'em, you raise 'em and then, one day, they're just gone. 259 00:13:59,398 --> 00:14:02,060 My guess is Babette's looking for a judge to have her name changed. 260 00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:05,000 There you are, pal. You and your leg are all set. 261 00:14:05,103 --> 00:14:08,300 If you'll stop by the gift shop on your way out, you can pick up your complimentary fountain pen. 262 00:14:08,407 --> 00:14:10,671 Okay, time to bandage, Margaret. 263 00:14:10,776 --> 00:14:12,835 Excuse me, Doctor. 264 00:14:12,944 --> 00:14:14,912 Finish up here, will ya, Kell? 265 00:14:21,887 --> 00:14:24,219 - Are you all right? - I'm fine. 266 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,290 - Try again. - [Sighs] 267 00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:29,459 - [Vehicle Arrives] - I'm sorry. 268 00:14:29,561 --> 00:14:31,927 It's just that I never had one of my nurses hurt before. 269 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:33,998 - Margaret, she's gonna be okay. - [Vehicle Door Slams] 270 00:14:34,099 --> 00:14:37,068 - [Sighs] - P.S. Thanks to you. 271 00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,069 Oh, no. Hey, come on. You gotta be kidding. 272 00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:41,071 Just came in... a chopper pilot and his spotter. 273 00:14:41,173 --> 00:14:44,199 - They went down in the wind. - The question is what were they doing up in the wind? 274 00:14:44,309 --> 00:14:47,437 Seems the Greeks lost a troop truck. They went out scanning. 275 00:14:47,546 --> 00:14:50,071 - Let's scrub up again. - Let's get to it. 276 00:14:50,248 --> 00:14:54,150 Look, it could be worse. We could be stuck in Tokyo like Charles. 277 00:14:54,252 --> 00:14:57,619 Right now, that poor guy's probably lying in a steaming geisha bath. 278 00:14:57,723 --> 00:14:59,748 [Wind Howling] 279 00:15:05,964 --> 00:15:09,422 You know, Major, it's funny. 280 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,469 Here we are, two guys clinging together for dear life... 281 00:15:12,571 --> 00:15:15,096 and we don't know a single thing about each other. 282 00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:18,108 Except that we're both about to die. 283 00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:20,178 Glad I brought it up. 284 00:15:22,581 --> 00:15:26,677 I was born in my grandmama's house on Beacon Hill. 285 00:15:26,785 --> 00:15:29,345 Oh, yeah. "The Battle of." 286 00:15:29,454 --> 00:15:32,446 That was Bunker Hill, quiz kid. 287 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:36,254 I was talking about Beacon Hill where, at one time... 288 00:15:36,361 --> 00:15:39,330 you would not have been allowed to walk. 289 00:15:39,431 --> 00:15:41,126 Natch. 290 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,701 My parents were wonderful... 291 00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:46,703 gave me everything a child could need. 292 00:15:46,805 --> 00:15:49,569 Nannies, boarding schools... 293 00:15:50,675 --> 00:15:53,610 stock portfolio. 294 00:15:53,712 --> 00:15:57,079 - I was always an inquisitive child. - You were, huh? 295 00:15:57,182 --> 00:16:00,743 Mm-hmm. By the age of seven, I was already dissecting frogs. 296 00:16:00,852 --> 00:16:03,320 - Well, every kid does that. - Ah. 297 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,117 I could put them back together. 298 00:16:06,224 --> 00:16:09,591 No wonder I graduated first in my med-school class from Harvard. 299 00:16:09,694 --> 00:16:13,221 - Hmm. Some life. - Mm-hmm. 300 00:16:13,331 --> 00:16:16,698 - Now would you like to hear about mine? - Not particularly. 301 00:16:16,802 --> 00:16:18,770 Oh. 302 00:16:21,072 --> 00:16:23,939 - I was always a voracious reader. - [Loud Gasp] 303 00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:27,136 - [Gasping] - Oh, he sounds pretty bad. 304 00:16:27,245 --> 00:16:29,145 Thank you, Klinger. That's very perceptive. 305 00:16:29,247 --> 00:16:31,807 [Gasping, Groaning] 306 00:16:31,917 --> 00:16:35,045 Oh, damn! Tension pneumothorax. 307 00:16:35,153 --> 00:16:37,053 - The whole lung has collapsed. - Can you do anything? 308 00:16:37,155 --> 00:16:39,521 No. I would have to suck the air out of the chest cavity... 309 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,524 give the lung a chance to re-expand. 310 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:44,060 - So do it! - Out here in the middle of nowhere, with nothing? 311 00:16:44,162 --> 00:16:46,255 - You got no choice. - Klinger, you don't understand. 312 00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:50,425 - I don't have the proper instruments. - [Speaking Greek] 313 00:16:50,535 --> 00:16:53,527 - Very complicated situation here. - Let's do it, Major. 314 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,435 [Gasping, Groaning] 315 00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,737 Give me the biggest needle and syringe you've got. 316 00:17:00,078 --> 00:17:03,138 - Here you are, sir. - I feel like an auto mechanic. 317 00:17:03,248 --> 00:17:05,512 You'll pull him through. You're gifted. You can do anything. 318 00:17:05,617 --> 00:17:08,916 Yes, I am cursed. Get in there! Get in there! 319 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:10,954 - Get in there! - [Gasping] 320 00:17:11,056 --> 00:17:12,887 [Greek] 321 00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:15,551 This thing isn't big enough. Klinger, look back in that kit. 322 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,651 See if there isn't anything resembling a tube. 323 00:17:17,762 --> 00:17:20,287 I got a catheter and a... and a clamp, sir. 324 00:17:20,398 --> 00:17:22,298 - Good. Give me those. - Here you are, sir. 325 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,698 - And the sharpest cutting edge you can find. - Yes, sir. 326 00:17:24,803 --> 00:17:27,397 - Sharpest... [Muttering] - Come on, Klinger! 327 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,405 - Ah! Pocketknife. - Good. 328 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,441 There you are, sir. What are you gonna do? 329 00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:35,274 Well, we'll need an incision in the chest cavity. 330 00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,280 - [Screams] - We'll give him room to breathe. 331 00:17:37,382 --> 00:17:40,180 - [Groaning] - Hold him! - Made it across, Major! 332 00:17:40,285 --> 00:17:43,220 - Take the knife. Take this clamp, please. - Yes, sir. 333 00:17:43,321 --> 00:17:45,448 All right. Mm! 334 00:17:45,557 --> 00:17:47,957 Give me a syringe... anything to suck air. 335 00:17:48,059 --> 00:17:50,425 All right, sir. Uh, syringe, syringe. 336 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:52,428 - I've got one, sir. - Good. 337 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,430 Pinch the skin around the end of the tube. 338 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,660 I'm gonna need that clamp back in a moment. Hold it. 339 00:17:57,769 --> 00:17:59,862 This isn't gonna work. 340 00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:02,201 This can't work. 341 00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:05,105 How can anyone be expected to operate under conditions like this? 342 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,973 [Gasping Subsides] 343 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,113 - Good heavens! - What's the matter? 344 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,651 I think it's working. This thing is sucking air. 345 00:18:13,752 --> 00:18:16,277 [Breathing Eases] 346 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,720 He's doing better. He's breathing easier. 347 00:18:18,823 --> 00:18:21,053 Indeed he is. Stay with me, old man. Steady on. 348 00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,525 Steady, steady. 349 00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,687 - Klinger, give me some tape, please. - Yes, sir. 350 00:18:25,797 --> 00:18:28,265 [Greek] 351 00:18:30,035 --> 00:18:32,833 You did it, Major! You did it! 352 00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:34,838 More than that, Klinger. 353 00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:38,141 I did it here. 354 00:18:38,276 --> 00:18:40,301 [Hawkeye] Korea, land of surprises. 355 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:43,813 Snipers, shelling. Just when you think you've seen it all... 356 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:47,180 along comes a lovely, destructive Manchurian windstorm. 357 00:18:47,285 --> 00:18:48,980 [B.J.] Truly an enchanted land. 358 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:52,955 - Maybe Mildred and I will retire here. Scalpel. - Scalpel. 359 00:18:53,058 --> 00:18:54,958 [Mulcahy] Colonel? 360 00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:58,552 We've got a villager whose hut collapsed around him, and... [Sighs] 361 00:18:58,663 --> 00:19:02,497 A young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield. 362 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,160 - Dear God. - He's been alerted. 363 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:08,603 - I'll take the boy, Father. - Right away. 364 00:19:08,707 --> 00:19:10,675 [Hawkeye] Margaret, get out of my light. I can't see the patient. 365 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:14,074 [Potter] Father, get 'em to crank up that emergency generator pronto. 366 00:19:14,179 --> 00:19:15,874 [Mulcahy] Soon as I can find the door. 367 00:19:15,981 --> 00:19:17,778 - [Door Clatters] - Found it. 368 00:19:17,882 --> 00:19:20,146 [B.J.] Colonel, I'd like to complain about the working conditions. 369 00:19:20,251 --> 00:19:22,719 - Quiet, Hunnicutt. - It wasn't me. Somebody that looked like me. 370 00:19:22,821 --> 00:19:25,449 - [Margaret] I don't believe this. - [B.J.] Anyone for charades? 371 00:19:25,557 --> 00:19:27,252 Come on already! 372 00:19:28,693 --> 00:19:30,593 Boy, you're some commander. 373 00:19:32,063 --> 00:19:34,725 Bad news, Major. We're still here. 374 00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:38,234 From the sound of that wind last night, I was certain we'd be in Oz by now. 375 00:19:38,336 --> 00:19:41,134 [Groans] Nothing like a good two-minute sleep... 376 00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:44,731 to prepare you for another glorious day here at Camp Who Knows Where. 377 00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:48,643 I'd say... that direction. Yeah. 378 00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:52,410 - So would I. Why? - Because you're going for help, Klinger. 379 00:19:52,517 --> 00:19:54,781 You might be able to get your bearings from the top of that ridge. 380 00:19:54,886 --> 00:19:57,912 Me? Last night, you said you were afraid to be left alone. 381 00:19:58,023 --> 00:20:00,651 Last night is over. We've lived through the storm. 382 00:20:00,759 --> 00:20:03,319 Now it's time to get out of here, and we're gonna make it. 383 00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:06,158 - I know we are. - Good. Then why don't you go? 384 00:20:06,264 --> 00:20:09,256 Me? Someone has to look after these Greeks... 385 00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:11,835 and I think I proved last night who the qualified party is. 386 00:20:11,936 --> 00:20:14,666 - All right, all right. I'll go. I'll go. - Marvelous idea. 387 00:20:14,773 --> 00:20:17,537 But if I don't come back, you're gonna have to call my parents. 388 00:20:17,642 --> 00:20:19,610 And they're gonna hate hearing that I'm dead. 389 00:20:19,711 --> 00:20:22,373 [Muttering, Indistinct] 390 00:20:22,547 --> 00:20:24,572 [Imitating Chirruping] Come on, honey. 391 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:28,049 Come on. It's Radar. Why don't you help me out and get found? 392 00:20:28,153 --> 00:20:30,383 - [Smacking Lips] - No luck, huh, Radar? 393 00:20:30,488 --> 00:20:32,683 It's been about eight hours, sir. I'm a wreck. 394 00:20:32,791 --> 00:20:34,691 Why don't you crawl into your hutch and get some rest? 395 00:20:34,793 --> 00:20:36,693 There's no time. I gotta find her. 396 00:20:36,795 --> 00:20:39,025 I know how much she meant to you, but... 397 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:41,098 You know, I mean, means to you. 398 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:43,929 You just may have to face some not-too-pleasant facts. 399 00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:48,267 Sir, I've kept her alive through a whole war. I'm not gonna give up now. 400 00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,604 Babette? Here, honey. [Imitating Chirruping] 401 00:21:00,585 --> 00:21:02,746 - Bigelow. - Major. 402 00:21:02,854 --> 00:21:05,049 I brought you a few things. 403 00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:08,421 L... I thought you might want to repair your face. 404 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:15,366 Major. That's very sweet of you. 405 00:21:15,467 --> 00:21:18,630 Just get better. We need you. 406 00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:21,762 Good morning, ladies and germs. The ambulance stopped with a jerk, and I got off. 407 00:21:21,873 --> 00:21:25,240 - Will you serious up! - You're absolutely right. Let's be serious. 408 00:21:27,979 --> 00:21:29,674 Pulse 96? 409 00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:32,773 Nurse, pull his corpuscles over and give them a ticket for speeding. 410 00:21:32,884 --> 00:21:34,681 - [Laughing] - [Giggling] 411 00:21:34,786 --> 00:21:37,516 Now you're gonna say you're a kid who's had all the bad breaks. 412 00:21:37,622 --> 00:21:39,522 We cleaned and tightened those brakes... 413 00:21:39,624 --> 00:21:41,524 but you're gonna have to stay in the garage until Tuesday. 414 00:21:41,626 --> 00:21:43,560 - [Laughing] - [Laughing] 415 00:21:43,661 --> 00:21:45,959 Imagine the laughs I'd get if he could understand English. 416 00:21:46,064 --> 00:21:48,123 Hello, young lady. 417 00:21:48,233 --> 00:21:50,360 I just stopped by to tell you I stop at nothing. 418 00:21:50,468 --> 00:21:52,231 [Laughing] 419 00:21:52,337 --> 00:21:55,204 I have a wonderful recovery program planned for you. 420 00:21:55,306 --> 00:21:58,673 Plenty of rest, exercise, fresh air... 421 00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:02,075 and a visit from me after every meal... and one before bedtime. 422 00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:04,239 - [Excited Squealing] - What... What... Hold it! What is it? 423 00:22:04,349 --> 00:22:08,843 - [Bigelow Laughing] - Well, hello there, miss. 424 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:11,251 Your name wouldn't happen to be Babette, would it? 425 00:22:11,356 --> 00:22:13,051 - [Chirruping] - I thought so. 426 00:22:13,158 --> 00:22:16,389 - [Laughing] - He loves a class act. 427 00:22:16,494 --> 00:22:18,928 [Muttering, Indistinct] 428 00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:24,799 He's gonna be sorry when I'm lost forever. 429 00:22:24,903 --> 00:22:27,167 No, he won't. 430 00:22:27,272 --> 00:22:31,868 Oh, no! No! 431 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:34,137 It can't be! 432 00:22:40,218 --> 00:22:42,277 [Klinger] We've been riding in circles. 433 00:22:42,387 --> 00:22:45,515 We almost froze to death in our own backyard. 434 00:22:45,623 --> 00:22:47,386 Oh, Major! 435 00:22:47,492 --> 00:22:50,290 Major. 436 00:22:50,395 --> 00:22:53,091 I got a little surprise for you. 437 00:22:58,703 --> 00:23:01,001 Looks like we had a wild party here last night. 438 00:23:01,105 --> 00:23:03,232 - All the damage without any of the fun. - [Horn Honking] 439 00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:06,333 - Look at this. - [Honking] 440 00:23:06,444 --> 00:23:09,538 - [BJ.] Charles is back. - [Hawkeye] And he brought souvenirs. 441 00:23:09,647 --> 00:23:11,615 [B.J.] What you got here, Charles? 442 00:23:11,716 --> 00:23:13,616 Don't stand there. Get these men into pre-op. 443 00:23:13,718 --> 00:23:15,379 What happened to you, Winchester? 444 00:23:15,486 --> 00:23:18,819 Klinger took a wrong turn. He got us hopelessly lost. 445 00:23:18,923 --> 00:23:21,255 I was obliged to save these wounded sons of Greece... 446 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,657 during one of the most brutal nights imaginable. 447 00:23:23,761 --> 00:23:27,026 - End of report. - Uh, Major, you forgot to mention... 448 00:23:27,131 --> 00:23:29,258 we were only 200 yards from the camp. 449 00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:32,097 - 200 yards? - I hit the high points, Klinger. 450 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,899 You were in the neighborhood, you didn't drop by? Shame on you. 451 00:23:35,006 --> 00:23:37,474 Klinger, you look like you went through a mop squeezer. 452 00:23:37,575 --> 00:23:40,169 - Why don't you get some rest. - Thank you, O Compassionate Kingpin. 453 00:23:40,278 --> 00:23:44,237 Winchester, I guess you'll be on your way while you've still got some R & R left. 454 00:23:44,349 --> 00:23:48,183 - Precisely. - Where are you goin'? 455 00:23:50,955 --> 00:23:54,516 Be it ever so crumbled, there is no place like home.