1 00:00:56,782 --> 00:00:59,114 - [Groans] - [Groans] 2 00:00:59,218 --> 00:01:01,118 Welcome to the oven, Hansel. 3 00:01:01,220 --> 00:01:03,120 I think I'm ready to be basted. 4 00:01:03,222 --> 00:01:05,656 11:00, and all's hell. 5 00:01:05,758 --> 00:01:07,658 Even my fingernails are sweating. 6 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,389 - When is this heat gonna end? - About five minutes before winter. 7 00:01:11,497 --> 00:01:14,989 - Come on. Let's get out from under this hot moon. - I think the cheese is melting. 8 00:01:18,671 --> 00:01:21,936 - What's this? - I don't know. It could be a large box. 9 00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:24,202 Probably another care package for Charles. 10 00:01:24,310 --> 00:01:26,278 Something important like his Toscanini collection. 11 00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:29,109 Knowing Charles, it's probably Toscanini. 12 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:31,547 It's from Abercrombie and Fitch. It's for us! 13 00:01:31,651 --> 00:01:34,449 The bathtub! [Laughing] 14 00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:36,748 - Six months we've been waiting! - [Laughs] 15 00:01:36,856 --> 00:01:40,087 - It's beautiful! - Beautiful? You ingrate. 16 00:01:40,192 --> 00:01:42,592 It's gorgeous. It's magnificent. It's the... 17 00:01:42,695 --> 00:01:44,993 - It's beautiful! - It's the only tub from here to Seoul. 18 00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:48,999 - And it's ours, all ours! - Let's set it up, see how it handles. 19 00:01:49,101 --> 00:01:52,798 You know what this means, don't you, Beej? From now on, we bathe. 20 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:55,533 - Not a shower. A bathe. - Oh. 21 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,400 [Chuckling] 22 00:01:59,512 --> 00:02:04,040 No more standing in line waiting for a measly trickle down your back. 23 00:02:04,150 --> 00:02:06,050 When a man has his tub, he's his own island... 24 00:02:06,152 --> 00:02:09,747 surrounded on all sides by clear, refreshing water. 25 00:02:09,855 --> 00:02:12,722 - [Chuckles] - I feel cooler already. 26 00:02:12,825 --> 00:02:14,725 Everybody should have one. 27 00:02:14,827 --> 00:02:18,228 Can you imagine how they'll envy us when they find out we got this? 28 00:02:18,331 --> 00:02:20,629 - We better hide this thing. - We better hide it. 29 00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:24,134 - Uh, no. Uh, no. - A tub! 30 00:02:24,236 --> 00:02:26,932 What are you two doing with my tub? 31 00:02:27,039 --> 00:02:28,939 - Yours? - What makes you think it's yours? 32 00:02:29,041 --> 00:02:30,941 It's characteristic of my family to send me one. 33 00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:34,035 We bought this from our relatives... Abercrombie and Fitch. 34 00:02:34,146 --> 00:02:37,115 To make a long story short, Charles, you come out high and dry. 35 00:02:37,216 --> 00:02:39,207 Your middle-class sense of decency and fair play... 36 00:02:39,318 --> 00:02:42,344 will overwhelm the malice you now bear me... 37 00:02:42,455 --> 00:02:47,586 and soon I shall be luxuriating in that canvas Xanadu. 38 00:02:47,693 --> 00:02:50,218 And if that craps out, I'll just bribe you silly. 39 00:02:50,329 --> 00:02:53,662 - Not on your life, boy. - All right. 40 00:02:53,766 --> 00:02:58,726 Perhaps you gentlemen wouldn't be adverse to, uh... to a little blackmail. 41 00:02:58,838 --> 00:03:02,968 - Oh, camp... - Fifty people won't fit in that tub. 42 00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:06,101 - You wouldn't tell everybody about our tub, would you? - Not if I'm in it. 43 00:03:06,212 --> 00:03:09,181 [Whistling] 44 00:03:09,281 --> 00:03:12,648 - Here's your coffee, sir. - Hot coffee, today? 45 00:03:12,752 --> 00:03:15,277 You have hot coffee this time every day. It's almost like a habit. 46 00:03:15,388 --> 00:03:17,618 I'll tell you what. Leave it on your desk for a few hours. 47 00:03:17,723 --> 00:03:20,556 - Let it cool off. - That's how I got it to warm up. 48 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:24,186 I guess nothing makes sense at 104 degrees Fahrenheit. 49 00:03:24,296 --> 00:03:27,197 - Gee, I like your palm, sir. - I had Mildred send it to me. 50 00:03:27,299 --> 00:03:29,267 I'm growing it for the shade. 51 00:03:29,368 --> 00:03:32,428 Sir, you're looking at a man who is slowly killing himself... 52 00:03:32,538 --> 00:03:34,768 and I must warn you, it's no thrill to behold. 53 00:03:34,874 --> 00:03:38,207 Not today, Klinger. I'm very close to my boiling point. 54 00:03:38,310 --> 00:03:40,938 Klinger, you smell like the raccoon that died under our house. 55 00:03:41,047 --> 00:03:44,483 There's a method to my madness, O Short One of the Open Pores. 56 00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:46,847 - Watch it. - Colonel! 57 00:03:46,952 --> 00:03:49,284 If I can't go home with a Section Eight... 58 00:03:49,388 --> 00:03:52,380 I'm gonna take advantage of the current weather and kill myself... 59 00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:55,392 by dehydration and/or heat prostration... 60 00:03:55,494 --> 00:03:57,928 offending as many people as I can along the way. 61 00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,362 Well, that's one way out of this man's army. 62 00:04:00,466 --> 00:04:03,264 I've always thought of it as that man's army, sir. 63 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,496 Out of my office, fur ball. 64 00:04:05,604 --> 00:04:09,005 My untimely death will be on your head, Colonel. 65 00:04:09,108 --> 00:04:12,339 - Out! - Come, my cheap mink. 66 00:04:14,914 --> 00:04:17,212 - Radar, do we have any incense around? - I'll get the incense. 67 00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:20,342 [Hawkeye Laughing] 68 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,585 Keep it quiet, will ya? You gotta sing, sing underwater. 69 00:04:40,506 --> 00:04:43,566 - Good morning, B.J. - Oh, good morning, Father. Hot enough for you? 70 00:04:43,676 --> 00:04:45,940 - [Sighs] Purgatorial. - [Duck Quacking] 71 00:04:46,045 --> 00:04:48,377 - I like to think of it as a sinner's sneak preview. - [Hawkeye Laughing] 72 00:04:50,983 --> 00:04:53,144 So, what can I do for you, Father? 73 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:55,482 Well, as the showers were occupied... 74 00:04:55,588 --> 00:04:57,920 I thought I'd use the scrub sink to cool off. 75 00:04:58,023 --> 00:04:59,991 - Go soak my head, as it were. - [Duck Quacking] 76 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,253 [Laughing] Isn't that interesting? 77 00:05:02,361 --> 00:05:05,194 Hawkeye and I had the same idea. He's using it now. 78 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:11,892 - Yes, he seems to be enjoying himself. - [Hawkeye Laughing] 79 00:05:12,004 --> 00:05:16,998 If I may be so bold, B.J., you're lying to the wrong fella. 80 00:05:18,444 --> 00:05:23,381 - Uh, Hawk. - Why, you little devils! 81 00:05:23,482 --> 00:05:27,509 I have a good mind to baptize you both... in dirty water. 82 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:30,214 Good work, Beej. That's really keeping them out. 83 00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:32,722 Forgive us, Father, for we wanted you to know not what we do. 84 00:05:32,825 --> 00:05:35,953 Oh, don't worry about me. I'm next, after Winchester. 85 00:05:36,061 --> 00:05:38,359 Who's after me, who's after you. 86 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:41,956 - Up! - Oh, it's beautiful. 87 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,797 Thank you from the whole gang. 88 00:05:44,904 --> 00:05:46,929 Let's try to keep the gang down to four, okay, Father? 89 00:05:47,039 --> 00:05:50,372 Oh, you're forgetting. I'm in the secret business. 90 00:05:50,476 --> 00:05:52,376 I want it! 91 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,537 Women often have that reaction when they see me naked. 92 00:05:54,647 --> 00:05:57,514 Wonderful. Charles is probably announcing it on Armed Forces Radio. 93 00:05:57,616 --> 00:06:00,551 All right, what deal did Winchester make with you that he had no right to? 94 00:06:00,653 --> 00:06:03,713 I supply the bubble bath. Oh, look at it! 95 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,620 Oh, I'm just gonna soak in it for hours. 96 00:06:06,725 --> 00:06:08,989 Careful, Margaret. You're drooling on my ducky. 97 00:06:09,094 --> 00:06:11,790 - Well, now we are five. - Four if we drown Charles. 98 00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:14,730 You certainly don't think he's running around telling other people about it? 99 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,233 - [Voices Overlapping] - All right, hold your water, everybody. 100 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:20,703 This can still work. We hide this when we have to. 101 00:06:20,806 --> 00:06:24,242 We respect each other's privacy, change the water now and then... 102 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,903 and above all be greedy and keep this thing to ourselves. 103 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:29,071 - Amen. - [B.J., Margaret] Amen! 104 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:32,813 [Sighs] 105 00:06:32,918 --> 00:06:35,045 - Are you all right? - Oh, sure, sir. 106 00:06:35,154 --> 00:06:38,555 - It's just the heat and the work, that's all. - You look like an old banana. 107 00:06:38,657 --> 00:06:41,626 - Thank you, sir. - You've been bustin' your buns all day. 108 00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:43,319 I'll tell you what. I'll give you a hand. 109 00:06:43,429 --> 00:06:45,329 We'll have you outta here in no time. 110 00:06:45,431 --> 00:06:47,331 - That's very nice, but the work is... - I wanna help you. 111 00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:51,335 - I know, but it's not that hard. - And I'm going to help you whether you want it or not. 112 00:06:51,437 --> 00:06:53,871 - I knew I'd see it your way, sir. - Dandy. 113 00:06:53,973 --> 00:06:55,964 Okay, I'm putting these in the personnel file... 114 00:06:56,075 --> 00:06:59,135 and I'm filing them in alphabetical order, like A, B, C, D, E, F... 115 00:06:59,245 --> 00:07:01,406 I'll pick it up in a minute. 116 00:07:02,514 --> 00:07:05,142 Sir, Corporal Klinger reporting... 117 00:07:05,251 --> 00:07:08,516 with a surprise for your eyes. 118 00:07:08,621 --> 00:07:10,953 - Holy cow! - How about it, huh? 119 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:15,823 - You can't get these just everywhere. - Klinger, I'm impressed. 120 00:07:15,928 --> 00:07:18,226 The latest in rubber reducing suits. 121 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,696 I'm getting out of here if I have to go pint by pint. 122 00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:24,326 - Aren't you getting a little carried away, son? - Oh, I hope so, sir. 123 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:26,870 But you alone have the power to save me. 124 00:07:26,972 --> 00:07:30,373 Let's face it. Would a sane man abuse himself like this? 125 00:07:30,476 --> 00:07:32,569 Just lookin' at him makes my eyes woozy. 126 00:07:32,678 --> 00:07:36,705 Klinger, this one is definitely in the running. 127 00:07:36,815 --> 00:07:39,648 Oh, be still, my sweaty heart. I think I see daylight. 128 00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:42,414 By golly, maybe you do. I'll tell you what. 129 00:07:42,521 --> 00:07:47,390 If you can stand being in a getup like that for another 24 hours... 130 00:07:47,493 --> 00:07:50,360 you are the craziest man I've ever met. 131 00:07:50,462 --> 00:07:52,020 You mean to say that... 132 00:07:52,131 --> 00:07:54,827 I mean to say that whatever's left of you... 133 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,026 can have that magic Section Eight. 134 00:07:57,136 --> 00:07:59,764 - Wow! - Eureka! 135 00:07:59,872 --> 00:08:02,067 I did it! I did it! 136 00:08:02,174 --> 00:08:04,540 Whoa, whoa! You didn't did it yet. 137 00:08:04,643 --> 00:08:07,669 - You've gotta prove you're a maniac. - [Chuckling] 138 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:10,613 If you'll pardon the seasonal pun, sir, no sweat. 139 00:08:10,716 --> 00:08:13,082 All right. Let's synchronize our watches. 140 00:08:13,185 --> 00:08:15,710 Oh, sorry, sir. My watch went for the rubber suit. 141 00:08:15,821 --> 00:08:17,721 - But I'll trust you. - Okay. 142 00:08:17,823 --> 00:08:20,621 Twenty-four hours from mark. 143 00:08:20,726 --> 00:08:22,660 You're on your way, Klinger. Good luck. 144 00:08:22,761 --> 00:08:27,027 Thank you, Colonel. I kiss your palm. 145 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,498 Oh, Radar, when you've got some time later, I want to call home... 146 00:08:29,601 --> 00:08:32,069 and order my Toledo Mud Hen season tickets. 147 00:08:32,171 --> 00:08:33,866 - You bet. And good luck. - I'm free. 148 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,872 Free. Free! 149 00:08:38,510 --> 00:08:41,843 - Hello, Margaret. - Hello yourself, and see how you like it. 150 00:08:41,947 --> 00:08:43,778 Wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess. 151 00:08:43,882 --> 00:08:46,180 - You're upset. - You bet I am. 152 00:08:46,285 --> 00:08:48,185 I had a free half hour this afternoon... 153 00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:50,346 and Admiral Winchester beat me to the tub. 154 00:08:50,456 --> 00:08:53,016 Um... Um... 155 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:56,026 Margaret, we don't use the "T" word in front of company. 156 00:08:56,128 --> 00:09:00,428 - Oh, you're right. - Would you please keep your hot lips sealed? 157 00:09:02,301 --> 00:09:06,169 Can we move along, sir? We've already had three servers faint from the steam. 158 00:09:06,271 --> 00:09:08,239 I'll just have the salad. 159 00:09:12,444 --> 00:09:14,844 Brown lettuce? 160 00:09:14,947 --> 00:09:17,108 What am I supposed to do with this, eat it or smoke it? 161 00:09:17,216 --> 00:09:19,411 You think that's brown? Look at the mayonnaise. 162 00:09:20,886 --> 00:09:22,854 Right back at you. 163 00:09:24,123 --> 00:09:26,023 You want green, have the liver. 164 00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:28,286 - Mind if I fast here? - Huh? Oh, sure. 165 00:09:28,394 --> 00:09:30,521 You can sit down if you want. 166 00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,962 Radar, don't pick at your food. It'll never heal. 167 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,774 - Your tonsils again, huh? - Yeah. 168 00:09:45,177 --> 00:09:48,578 - Your temperature's up a little. - It's a hot day, sir. 169 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,773 I don't think the penicillin's working. 170 00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:52,783 Eventually, they're gonna have to come out, you know. 171 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,877 Oh, no, sir. Please? Just give me a bigger dose of penicillin. 172 00:09:55,988 --> 00:09:57,853 - Maybe that'll cure it. - I don't know. 173 00:09:57,956 --> 00:10:00,083 - You're pretty moldy right now. - Please? Please? 174 00:10:00,192 --> 00:10:02,160 - Please? - All right. 175 00:10:02,261 --> 00:10:04,729 For now, I think we should get your temperature down though. 176 00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,923 How you gonna do that, sir? 177 00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:12,930 Can you keep a military secret? 178 00:10:13,038 --> 00:10:15,302 Anything. 179 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:20,674 At the risk of severe personal injury, I'm about to break a sacred vow. 180 00:10:20,779 --> 00:10:25,341 Last night, B.J. And I got a very important package from home. 181 00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:28,443 You mean the bathtub from Abaloney and Finch? 182 00:10:28,554 --> 00:10:32,081 - You know? - Well, of course. I signed for it. 183 00:10:32,191 --> 00:10:35,991 - And you didn't tell anybody? - Of course not. Who cares about a bathtub? 184 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,289 - Shh! - What? What? 185 00:10:38,397 --> 00:10:42,595 Don't you understand? You can fill it with water and get in it. 186 00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:45,067 Are you crazy? Get into a bathtub full of hot water? 187 00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:47,400 I got a temperature. 188 00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:52,409 Radar, you can also fill it with cool water. 189 00:10:52,511 --> 00:10:54,479 Oh. Cool w... 190 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:57,743 - Oh! I could cool off in the bathtub. - Good idea. Let's go. 191 00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:00,751 Wait, wait, wait. Could I have privacy with nobody around? 192 00:11:00,853 --> 00:11:03,287 - Not even a mirror. - Let's go. 193 00:11:05,324 --> 00:11:07,656 - Did I hear right? - A bathtub? 194 00:11:07,759 --> 00:11:10,887 I heard right. [Mouthing Words] 195 00:11:10,996 --> 00:11:13,260 All right, Radar. 196 00:11:13,365 --> 00:11:15,629 - [Radar] Is there anybody out there? - It's all clear. 197 00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,464 - I even blindfolded the duck. - Are you sure, sir? 198 00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:20,470 'Cause I'm all naked and everything. 199 00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:24,565 Radar, my eyes are closed, my back is turned, and I'm ready to leave. 200 00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:35,815 - You call that naked? - Oh, I knew you'd peek! 201 00:11:35,921 --> 00:11:38,515 All right, I'm going. But promise me one thing. 202 00:11:38,624 --> 00:11:43,152 Don't bathe with your shorts on. They'll balloon up, and you'll float away. 203 00:11:43,262 --> 00:11:45,355 Okay, I'm going. 204 00:11:46,865 --> 00:11:49,265 Enjoy your privacy, Corporal. 205 00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:51,768 - [All Clamoring] - Oh, it's beautiful! 206 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:56,534 - [Voices Overlapping] - Oh! Don't look! Don't look! 207 00:11:58,410 --> 00:12:01,607 All right, all right! So you know! But don't tell anybody! 208 00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,985 [Man On P.A.] Attention! The Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub... 209 00:12:10,088 --> 00:12:13,580 will remain open on a first-come, first-soak basis. 210 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:17,321 Your cooperation is appreciated, but not expected. 211 00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:22,425 Ah, that Pierce and his big mouth. 212 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,934 I'll probably never get to use that thing. 213 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,937 Private, are you watching the time? 214 00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,973 Everybody's got 10 minutes, Major. 215 00:12:29,074 --> 00:12:31,235 If someone goes 11, I got orders to shoot. 216 00:12:31,343 --> 00:12:33,334 This is the ultimate degradation... 217 00:12:33,445 --> 00:12:35,913 forced to stand in line with the great unwashed. 218 00:12:36,014 --> 00:12:38,278 Hey, how can you people dress like that? 219 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,283 Are you nuts? You'll freeze. 220 00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:41,875 - [Shouts, Groans] - Quiet! 221 00:12:41,987 --> 00:12:45,047 Boy! What I need right now... 222 00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:48,285 is a bracing cup of hot chocolate. 223 00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,293 Hey, hey, don't bunch up over there. 224 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,386 You're a sucker for an avalanche. 225 00:12:52,497 --> 00:12:55,864 That man is the Michelangelo of deviant behavior. 226 00:12:55,968 --> 00:12:59,597 Looks who's talking. Most people just sing when they bathe. 227 00:12:59,705 --> 00:13:01,866 I always listen to music whilst tubbing. 228 00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:06,172 This morning, my suds shall ripple to the sounds of the "1812 Overture." 229 00:13:06,278 --> 00:13:10,305 - Easy, easy. Clods. - Private, 10 minutes! 230 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:14,249 - Not according to Mickey. - Margaret... Margaret, relax. 231 00:13:14,353 --> 00:13:19,256 Just think about that cool water dancing over your ever-receptive skin... 232 00:13:19,358 --> 00:13:22,327 your body soothed into a state of deep contentment... 233 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,692 - while every pore cries out in ecstasy. - [All Moaning] 234 00:13:25,797 --> 00:13:29,289 It's fabulous. It's just fabulous. Besides, it's something to do. 235 00:13:29,401 --> 00:13:31,767 I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand it! 236 00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:34,600 Who's ever in there, come on out this minute or I'll yank you out! 237 00:13:34,706 --> 00:13:37,231 Do you hear me? Come on out of there! 238 00:13:37,342 --> 00:13:40,175 - [All Shouting] - Get him out of there! 239 00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:43,247 Now just one blessed moment! 240 00:13:43,348 --> 00:13:47,182 I'll come out when my time is up, and not one minute before! 241 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,948 It's my bath, and I'm taking it! So there! 242 00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:52,956 Forgive me. 243 00:13:53,091 --> 00:13:54,956 Six months we waited for that bathtub. 244 00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,654 Now we're gonna have to wait in line six more months before we can use it. 245 00:13:57,763 --> 00:14:00,561 Tell me again. The first 50 times didn't sink in. 246 00:14:00,666 --> 00:14:02,497 Come on. I'll buy you a beer. You can cry in it. 247 00:14:02,601 --> 00:14:04,762 - Buy me two. - Two beers. 248 00:14:04,870 --> 00:14:06,770 Radar, I'm sorry I drove you to drink. 249 00:14:06,872 --> 00:14:08,533 It's just Grape Nehi. 250 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,006 It'll be on my conscience forever. 251 00:14:11,109 --> 00:14:13,270 I'm looking for Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt. 252 00:14:13,378 --> 00:14:14,868 - Here. - Present. 253 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,210 Clifford Rhoden, Supply Sergeant, 222nd Combat Engineers. 254 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,715 - I wanna buy your bathtub. - Rhoden. Rhoden. 255 00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,718 - The Scrounger. - Oh, right. 256 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,811 Sergeant Rhoden of Sears and Rhoden. 257 00:14:23,922 --> 00:14:28,018 Supplies a wide variety of contraband even if he has to rob his grandmother to get it. 258 00:14:28,126 --> 00:14:31,061 - You read my brochure. - The tub's not for sale. 259 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,859 It's been in my family since yesterday. I couldn't bear to part with it. 260 00:14:33,965 --> 00:14:35,899 Well, let me work my magic on you. 261 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,992 - Watch it. - I got it all. 262 00:14:38,103 --> 00:14:41,334 - Radios, tailor-made clothing. - No. 263 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,637 - Twelve-year-old scotch. - Help me, Beej. 264 00:14:44,743 --> 00:14:48,042 Steady. Steady. No deal, Rhoden. 265 00:14:48,146 --> 00:14:50,273 Hard sell, huh? All right. 266 00:14:50,382 --> 00:14:53,180 Here's somethin' nobody can resist. 267 00:14:55,754 --> 00:15:00,350 Stag films guaranteed to make a grown man blush. 268 00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:03,019 Probably kill you. 269 00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:06,291 - No sale nohow. - I got it figured out. 270 00:15:06,398 --> 00:15:09,390 You're making money on this, aren't you? I seen that line out there. 271 00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:11,093 How much you charging, five bucks a butt? Ten? 272 00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:15,435 - Nothing. - Nothing for a skinny dip in paradise? 273 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:18,270 - What are you guys, Communists? - Nyet. 274 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:22,676 All right, but you haven't heard the last of Sergeant Rhoden. 275 00:15:22,781 --> 00:15:26,615 - Nobody says no to the Scrounger. - No? 276 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,687 The entire free enterprise system is ridin' on this one. 277 00:15:29,788 --> 00:15:33,224 Oh. What a creep. 278 00:15:33,325 --> 00:15:35,759 Boy, I thought he had you guys on that 12-year-old scotch. 279 00:15:35,861 --> 00:15:38,125 - Nah. - To willpower. 280 00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:40,460 Quick, drink before I run after him. 281 00:15:47,305 --> 00:15:49,796 - All right, Radar, let's look at that throat. - No, it's okay, honest! 282 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,741 - Come on. - Come on. Let us in before we come in after you. 283 00:15:52,844 --> 00:15:55,540 All right, you can look, but don't touch anything. 284 00:15:55,647 --> 00:15:58,138 - They're purple. - That's the Grape Nehi. 285 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,048 - Oh. - Oh, we've left them in too long, Radar. 286 00:16:01,153 --> 00:16:03,212 - They're ready to be picked. - Oh, geez, I knew it. 287 00:16:03,321 --> 00:16:05,619 I knew it. Isn't there anything else that can be done? 288 00:16:05,724 --> 00:16:07,749 Sure. Leave 'em in. Be miserable the rest of your life. 289 00:16:07,859 --> 00:16:10,123 - I'm willing to take my chances. - No, you're not. Let's go. 290 00:16:10,228 --> 00:16:12,924 Oh, geez. How long will it be before I can talk good? 291 00:16:13,031 --> 00:16:15,556 How long you been trying? 292 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,396 - How much are we charging Radar for this? - Nothing. 293 00:16:17,502 --> 00:16:20,198 He promised to leave his teddy bear to science. 294 00:16:20,305 --> 00:16:23,331 - Hey, Doc, can you spare a salt pill? - Oh, Klinger, come on! 295 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:26,239 - Get off it, will ya? - Not when I've come this far. 296 00:16:26,344 --> 00:16:29,370 I don't care if they send me back in an eyedropper, as long as they send me back. 297 00:16:29,481 --> 00:16:32,917 - Where do you keep the salt pills? - Somebody asking for salt pills? 298 00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:36,044 Salt pills? Oh, uh, not for me, sir. 299 00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:38,281 Some of the other people are having problems with the heat. 300 00:16:38,390 --> 00:16:40,620 Weak constitutions, quitters, that sort of thing. 301 00:16:40,725 --> 00:16:42,818 I thought I'd spend my last day helping others. 302 00:16:42,928 --> 00:16:45,488 As for myself, sir, I'm fresh as a daisy. 303 00:16:45,597 --> 00:16:48,566 - But you smell like a garlic blossom. - Well, back to work, sir. 304 00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:50,567 Back to work. 305 00:16:50,669 --> 00:16:54,264 You know, boys, that little tub of yours is turning into a big monster. 306 00:16:54,372 --> 00:16:57,364 That line out there is a burning fuse. Do you read me? 307 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,500 Aw, Colonel, don't make us pull the plug. 308 00:16:59,611 --> 00:17:02,580 That isn't just a tub. That's 63 gallons of civilization. 309 00:17:02,681 --> 00:17:06,344 Wonderful. When the camp goes up in smoke, we can use it to put out the fire. 310 00:17:06,451 --> 00:17:08,817 - Now you're being practical. - And another thing. 311 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,548 I don't want you rushing through Radar's operation. 312 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:14,147 Don't worry about a thing, Colonel. We'll see you inside. 313 00:17:14,259 --> 00:17:17,228 - Now tell me again how we do this. - I thought you knew. 314 00:17:17,329 --> 00:17:19,957 Steady, steady. You want more suction? 315 00:17:20,065 --> 00:17:22,499 - Just more silence. - Okay, okay. 316 00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:25,764 But sometimes, the simple operations prove to be the trickiest. 317 00:17:25,871 --> 00:17:28,931 I had a professor who stitched that on a cadaver. 318 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,567 Good Lord! Tom Sawyer and Becky are still lost down there. 319 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,044 - Just finish the operation. - Not till I find Injun Joe. 320 00:17:36,147 --> 00:17:40,413 Easy, easy. Calls for a lighter touch. Steady as she goes. 321 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,316 - You wanna show me how, Colonel? - All right. 322 00:17:43,421 --> 00:17:46,288 He's taking the instrument. 323 00:17:46,391 --> 00:17:48,825 You gotta go lightly around the superior pole. 324 00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:50,986 Steady as she goes. Steady as she goes. 325 00:17:56,968 --> 00:17:59,061 Hey, hurry up in there! Nobody's that dirty! 326 00:17:59,170 --> 00:18:02,003 - How would you know? - Oh, pardon me. 327 00:18:02,107 --> 00:18:04,098 I cannot. You are inexcusable. 328 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,837 Listen, Major, just because you live in this line doesn't mean you own it. 329 00:18:06,945 --> 00:18:11,405 - Curb your tongue, dogface. - Thanks for saving my place. 330 00:18:11,516 --> 00:18:14,280 Hey, what do you mean, your place? Your place is behind him. 331 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:17,753 Nothin' doin'. I forgot my shampoo. Now I'm back where I was. 332 00:18:17,856 --> 00:18:20,188 You're gonna be someplace you never been if you don't get outta here. 333 00:18:20,292 --> 00:18:24,695 - Make me! - Now, now, now, idiots. 334 00:18:24,796 --> 00:18:27,060 Hey, fight. Good fight over here. 335 00:18:27,165 --> 00:18:30,692 Throw some water on them. Break it up. There's a war on, you know. 336 00:18:30,802 --> 00:18:33,032 Hey, good fight out here. Good fight. 337 00:18:33,138 --> 00:18:36,574 Right over there. Gentlemen. 338 00:18:36,675 --> 00:18:40,338 Boy, I tell ya... watching a tonsillectomy like that can be really grueling. 339 00:18:40,445 --> 00:18:43,539 - All right, all right. - If you doctors will excuse me... 340 00:18:43,648 --> 00:18:46,242 I'm gonna slip into my Buster Crabbe swim fins and take the plunge. 341 00:18:46,351 --> 00:18:48,649 - Oh, yeah? - [Yelling, Shouting] 342 00:18:50,488 --> 00:18:52,922 Come on! Break it up! Break it up! 343 00:18:55,393 --> 00:18:57,293 - Let me at him! - You were at him. 344 00:18:57,395 --> 00:19:00,626 - All you did was break his shirt. - What started this, as if I didn't know? 345 00:19:00,732 --> 00:19:02,393 He tried to shove in line ahead of me. 346 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,367 Well, that's certainly enough reason to kill a man. 347 00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:08,496 That's it! I don't care how you do it, but get rid of that tub. 348 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,836 - It's a menace. - [All Protesting] - Aw, come on, Colonel. 349 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:13,342 I want it out of town by sundown. 350 00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:16,414 Send me instead. 351 00:19:16,514 --> 00:19:20,075 - Swell. - Come on. I'll treat you to a measly little shower. 352 00:19:20,185 --> 00:19:24,451 - ["1812 Overture'"] - Comin' through! Excuse me. 353 00:19:27,993 --> 00:19:29,893 Ahh. Good. 354 00:19:29,995 --> 00:19:32,020 - [Groans] - Oh. 355 00:19:33,598 --> 00:19:35,998 - Thank you. - [Groans] 356 00:19:38,103 --> 00:19:40,537 - Oh, hello. - Major. 357 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,404 Ah, Radar. I didn't recognize you without your tonsils. 358 00:19:44,509 --> 00:19:47,307 If you guys come by to make me feel better, don't come by. 359 00:19:47,412 --> 00:19:50,438 Hey, it's gonna hurt for a couple days, then it'll be all over. 360 00:19:50,548 --> 00:19:52,846 How about a nice cool drink of water? That oughta drown your sorrows. 361 00:19:52,951 --> 00:19:56,682 Uh-uh. No more water. Ice cream... strawberry. 362 00:19:56,788 --> 00:20:00,280 Radar, this is Korea. There isn't a Good Humor man within 10,000 miles. 363 00:20:00,392 --> 00:20:04,328 Then could you guys kind of leave? I'd like to be alone in my misery. 364 00:20:04,429 --> 00:20:06,488 All right. If you want us, you have our card. 365 00:20:06,598 --> 00:20:08,759 And don't talk so much. 366 00:20:08,867 --> 00:20:11,563 Sirs? I'm sorry I'm such a pain. 367 00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,569 It's hard to be nice when you're miserable. 368 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:16,469 We know, Radar. We know. 369 00:20:17,909 --> 00:20:21,072 - [Horn Honking] - Here's opportunity! 370 00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:24,046 Knocking once more. 371 00:20:24,149 --> 00:20:26,982 I figured out why you don't want to trade for the tub. 372 00:20:27,085 --> 00:20:29,713 - It's 'cause you hate me. - Oh, you've only scratched the surface. 373 00:20:29,821 --> 00:20:33,313 This time, I've brought just my first-line merchandise. Will you listen to me, please? 374 00:20:33,425 --> 00:20:35,518 - Okay, we'll listen. - Yeah. 375 00:20:35,627 --> 00:20:38,824 You-You will? G-Good. 376 00:20:38,930 --> 00:20:42,093 Swiss-made watches, guaranteed to do everything but yodel. 377 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,065 - Who cares what time it is here? - No. 378 00:20:44,169 --> 00:20:47,627 Remember me telling you about that 12-year-old scotch? A whole case. 379 00:20:47,739 --> 00:20:49,400 - Sold. - Great. 380 00:20:49,507 --> 00:20:50,474 - Hawk? - Huh? 381 00:20:50,575 --> 00:20:52,634 - We can do better. - Plus... what? 382 00:20:52,744 --> 00:20:54,575 - Radar. - Oh, yeah, right. 383 00:20:54,679 --> 00:20:57,580 Plus, we want, uh, uh, 10 gallons of ice cream. 384 00:20:57,682 --> 00:20:59,172 Ice cream in this heat? 385 00:20:59,284 --> 00:21:00,751 - Strawberry. - Strawberry. 386 00:21:00,852 --> 00:21:02,520 - Two cases of scotch. - Okay, two cases of scotch. 387 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,885 - Two cases of scotch. - Okay, two cases of scotch. 388 00:21:03,988 --> 00:21:07,424 - And the ice cream. - Oh, come on, sirs. Give me a break. 389 00:21:07,525 --> 00:21:09,686 That's our final offer. Scotch á la mode. 390 00:21:09,794 --> 00:21:14,424 Well, I got some connections that's got some connections in the navy... 391 00:21:14,532 --> 00:21:17,501 and maybe one of them aircraft carriers out there could spare a gallon or two. 392 00:21:17,602 --> 00:21:21,436 - I'll see what I can drum up. - If it's 10 gallons of strawberry, you got a deal. 393 00:21:21,539 --> 00:21:23,063 Deal. [Scoffs] 394 00:21:23,174 --> 00:21:27,008 Well, I'll tell you one thing. I sure am losin' my touch. 395 00:21:27,112 --> 00:21:30,775 Last war, could've talked you down to a can of Spam. 396 00:21:32,383 --> 00:21:35,580 And a can of Spam! 397 00:21:35,687 --> 00:21:38,451 Thought I told you boys to unload that wet elephant. 398 00:21:38,556 --> 00:21:41,252 Oh, done, Colonel. We just closed escrow. 399 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:43,259 Oh, yeah? What'd you get for it? 400 00:21:43,361 --> 00:21:45,386 - Uh, some ice cream for Radar. - Oh. 401 00:21:45,497 --> 00:21:47,397 - Five gallons for each tonsil. - Hot diggity! 402 00:21:47,499 --> 00:21:50,991 I'm proud of you. That was not only obedient, but damn nice. 403 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:54,833 Hot.! Hot.! Hot.! 404 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:57,635 [Yells] I can't stand it anymore! 405 00:21:57,742 --> 00:22:00,643 I can't stand it anymore! 406 00:22:00,745 --> 00:22:04,306 Gangway! 407 00:22:04,415 --> 00:22:06,474 [Yelling] 408 00:22:06,584 --> 00:22:11,817 - [Loud Splash] - [Screaming] 409 00:22:11,923 --> 00:22:13,914 He jumped in with me! 410 00:22:14,025 --> 00:22:15,993 Oh, it's a crying shame. 411 00:22:16,094 --> 00:22:17,994 He only had an hour to go. 412 00:22:18,096 --> 00:22:21,588 - [Screaming] - [Wolf Whistles] 413 00:22:25,403 --> 00:22:27,462 Oh, Radar? Don't get up now. 414 00:22:27,572 --> 00:22:30,336 If Lois Lane will excuse you for a minute, there's something we'd like to show you. 415 00:22:30,441 --> 00:22:33,069 - What's up? - A wave of the hand, a flick of the wrist... 416 00:22:33,178 --> 00:22:35,146 and a hearty, "Hi-yo, Silver!" 417 00:22:35,246 --> 00:22:37,942 Type one each, ice cream. Strawberry. Delicious. 418 00:22:38,049 --> 00:22:40,517 Holy cow, that's real ice cream! How'd you do it? 419 00:22:40,618 --> 00:22:43,644 Well, let's just say you'll never have to worry about taking a bath again. 420 00:22:43,755 --> 00:22:46,315 Oh, boy, you guys are real pals. 421 00:22:46,424 --> 00:22:49,325 You better get started. You've got a lot of ice cream to eat. 422 00:22:49,427 --> 00:22:53,454 - Dive in, Radar. - Here goes. 423 00:22:53,565 --> 00:22:56,500 We know you got the ice cream.! Come on.! 424 00:22:56,601 --> 00:22:59,399 [Yelling, Shouting] 425 00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,972 Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! 426 00:23:02,073 --> 00:23:06,169 - How about it, Radar? - The scoops are on me. 427 00:23:06,277 --> 00:23:10,577 All right, line forms here, one at a time, single file. 428 00:23:10,682 --> 00:23:12,582 Me first. I gotta gain some weight. 429 00:23:12,684 --> 00:23:14,652 [Voices Overlapping] 430 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:23,293 - [Knocking] - Come in. It's too hot to get up. 431 00:23:24,662 --> 00:23:26,653 - Major Houlihan... - I take it back! Get out! 432 00:23:26,764 --> 00:23:30,757 I'm here with a peace offering. I'd like to ask your forgiveness for my unforgivable behavior... 433 00:23:30,868 --> 00:23:32,768 when I interrupted your bath this afternoon... 434 00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:35,839 in spite of the fact that at the time I was half-crazed with heat prostration. 435 00:23:35,940 --> 00:23:38,602 - You certainly were. - Please let me finish. There was no excuse... 436 00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:41,941 for my jumping in with you in the state of undress that you were in. 437 00:23:42,046 --> 00:23:44,742 - Apology accepted. Give me the ice cream. - Enjoy it in good health, ma'am. 438 00:23:44,849 --> 00:23:47,875 - And once again, I'm sorry for barging in on you... - You already said that. 439 00:23:47,986 --> 00:23:50,580 Good night, Major. Oh, by the way... 440 00:23:50,688 --> 00:23:53,350 are you doing anything Saturday night?