1 00:00:55,548 --> 00:00:59,109 [March] 2 00:01:04,557 --> 00:01:06,525 [Ends] 3 00:01:06,626 --> 00:01:09,094 [Announcer] From Movietone News cameramen advancing... 4 00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:13,256 with United Nations troops, come these films of actual frontline fighting. 5 00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,664 The harsh, grim realism of war... 6 00:01:15,768 --> 00:01:18,168 as the medical corps fights for every life... 7 00:01:18,271 --> 00:01:20,933 bringing helicopters right to the battlefront... 8 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,168 returning the wounded to nearby surgical units. 9 00:01:24,277 --> 00:01:27,110 Out here, minutes mean lives. 10 00:01:28,581 --> 00:01:30,811 [O.R. Chatter] 11 00:01:32,385 --> 00:01:35,149 Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound. 12 00:02:00,713 --> 00:02:04,809 Good evening. This is Korea, October 9, 1952. 13 00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:08,080 I'm Clete Roberts, and I'm speaking to you from the recovery room... 14 00:02:08,187 --> 00:02:13,750 of the 4077 th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital... a MASH. 15 00:02:13,859 --> 00:02:16,692 The fighting began out here more than two years ago... 16 00:02:16,796 --> 00:02:21,824 and in spite of the ongoing peace talks, an end seems nowhere in sight. 17 00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:25,301 This isn't the first time we've been to this particular unit... 18 00:02:25,404 --> 00:02:28,771 but we've returned because its record of efficiency... 19 00:02:28,874 --> 00:02:33,038 and the people who make that record, are a truly unique story. 20 00:02:33,145 --> 00:02:35,045 Doctor? 21 00:02:35,147 --> 00:02:37,138 Doctor, could I, uh, bother you a moment? 22 00:02:37,249 --> 00:02:40,377 Yeah, uh, just hold on a second. Set up a tray for me tomorrow... 23 00:02:40,486 --> 00:02:42,181 and I'll remove the sutures, okay? 24 00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:44,552 - Yes. - As a practicing surgeon... 25 00:02:44,657 --> 00:02:48,024 how do you cope with these unusual circumstances? 26 00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:52,188 Well, usually I just, uh, turn my mind off and hope it'll all go away. 27 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:56,860 That, uh, doesn't, uh, seem to work though, so most times you just, uh... 28 00:02:56,969 --> 00:03:00,598 do your job and try to forget that there's a war going on outside the window. 29 00:03:03,342 --> 00:03:05,902 - [All Yelling] - Give me a towel! 30 00:03:06,012 --> 00:03:08,276 Somebody put a blanket over that window! 31 00:03:09,915 --> 00:03:13,373 Keep calm, everybody. This can't go on much more than forever. 32 00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:30,833 I'm telling you... we're being shelled! 33 00:03:30,936 --> 00:03:33,803 Do you hear me? It's been going on for half an hour! 34 00:03:33,906 --> 00:03:36,898 Impossible. My latest intelligence map shows... 35 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,842 there are no enemy units in your sector. 36 00:03:39,945 --> 00:03:42,311 You are not being shelled, young man. 37 00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:46,010 If you don't believe me, listen for yourself. 38 00:03:51,657 --> 00:03:53,591 Did ya... Did... Did ya... 39 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,660 Hello? Hello? 40 00:03:55,761 --> 00:03:58,389 I've seen the casualty reports... 41 00:03:58,497 --> 00:04:01,625 and the number of wounded men that pass through here is staggering. 42 00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:05,135 Yeah, we've got enough clientele here to open a hospital. 43 00:04:05,237 --> 00:04:07,603 Makes for some long sessions in O.R. 44 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:11,472 I've seen surgeons so tired they almost fell asleep on their patients. 45 00:04:11,577 --> 00:04:13,602 - Time? - About 0100. 46 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:16,476 0100? I worked around the clock! 47 00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:18,573 Sure beats working around here. 48 00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:20,811 I'm so bushed I can't remember my last patient. 49 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,411 - He had quintuplets. - Oh, yeah. 50 00:04:23,522 --> 00:04:26,616 - How many more out there? - [Margaret] I counted 19 when I came in. 51 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,717 Nineteen? There were 19 two hours ago. 52 00:04:29,829 --> 00:04:32,229 [Hawkeye] They restock the shelves when they run out. 53 00:04:32,331 --> 00:04:34,925 [Exhales] How long we been at this? 54 00:04:35,034 --> 00:04:39,596 - I started surgery in 1932. - I mean this session. 55 00:04:39,705 --> 00:04:41,639 So do I. 56 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,641 Maybe we should charge them piecework. 57 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,109 We can't. This is war. [Yawns] 58 00:04:47,213 --> 00:04:49,909 By the way, which war is this? 59 00:04:50,015 --> 00:04:52,609 The latest war to end all wars. 60 00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:56,614 - Rough, huh? - Plenty. 61 00:04:59,992 --> 00:05:01,960 - Want a puff? - Thanks. 62 00:05:03,863 --> 00:05:05,763 I'm taking 10 minutes. 63 00:05:05,865 --> 00:05:08,425 I'm on 10 minutes. 64 00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:11,332 Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go. 65 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,962 [Clete] What's your most difficult problem here? 66 00:05:14,073 --> 00:05:16,633 Well, uh, for me, the toughest... 67 00:05:16,742 --> 00:05:19,074 is getting used to doing things the army way. 68 00:05:19,178 --> 00:05:21,772 You see, back home in Toledo, when we needed something... 69 00:05:21,881 --> 00:05:24,042 we just stole it. 70 00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:26,050 Borrowed it. 71 00:05:26,152 --> 00:05:28,450 You know, back in Iowa, if you wanted somethin'... 72 00:05:28,554 --> 00:05:30,681 all you had to do was ask for it. 73 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,723 But, I mean, wow. Over here, they got... 74 00:05:32,825 --> 00:05:35,658 uh, paperwork and requisitions for everything. 75 00:05:35,761 --> 00:05:40,255 Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest. 76 00:05:40,366 --> 00:05:42,266 - Initial, Radar? - Oh, yes, sir. 77 00:05:42,368 --> 00:05:45,895 Uh, your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed. 78 00:05:46,005 --> 00:05:48,235 Uh, then, uh, you have to sign this form... 79 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:52,242 which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing. 80 00:05:52,344 --> 00:05:55,142 Uh, then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed... 81 00:05:55,247 --> 00:05:57,909 so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial. 82 00:05:58,017 --> 00:06:01,578 Radar, tell me the truth. Do you understand any of this? 83 00:06:01,687 --> 00:06:05,646 Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work. 84 00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:08,249 The business at hand is an incubator... 85 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:12,160 that is, if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want. 86 00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:15,097 - Right. - And we need one as soon as possible. 87 00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:18,932 Inhalator, indicator, inoculator, infuselator. 88 00:06:19,038 --> 00:06:22,530 Here it is. 437/R2, incubator. 89 00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:25,132 Thar she blows! 90 00:06:26,412 --> 00:06:29,779 "A device for developing bacterial cultures... 91 00:06:29,882 --> 00:06:32,316 at constant, suitable temperatures." 92 00:06:32,418 --> 00:06:34,318 Uh-huh. I see. 93 00:06:34,420 --> 00:06:36,945 That certainly makes sense. 94 00:06:37,056 --> 00:06:39,286 [Papers Rustling] 95 00:06:39,391 --> 00:06:41,450 You can't have one. 96 00:06:43,329 --> 00:06:45,058 Beg your pardon? 97 00:06:45,164 --> 00:06:48,531 I checked your B.E.L. Basic Equipment List? 98 00:06:50,102 --> 00:06:52,002 This unit has everything it's supposed to have. 99 00:06:52,104 --> 00:06:54,231 You're not entitled to an incubator. That would be a... 100 00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:56,240 A... A luxury. 101 00:06:56,342 --> 00:07:00,642 - Luxury? - We're not asking for a jukebox or a-a pizza oven. 102 00:07:00,746 --> 00:07:03,738 - Those I can let you have. - [Blake] No kidding.! 103 00:07:03,849 --> 00:07:06,613 Hey, those would be great on movie nights. 104 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,187 Uh, you got any pizza requisition forms? 105 00:07:09,288 --> 00:07:11,586 Uh, just use the standard S1798... 106 00:07:11,690 --> 00:07:15,023 and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun." 107 00:07:15,127 --> 00:07:17,994 What do you miss the most? 108 00:07:18,097 --> 00:07:21,464 Well, just offhand I'd say, uh, uh... 109 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,933 a mattress thicker than a matzo... 110 00:07:26,038 --> 00:07:30,498 my own bathroom with a combination lock... 111 00:07:30,609 --> 00:07:33,772 any woman out of any uniform... 112 00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:35,779 and the entire state of Maine. 113 00:07:35,881 --> 00:07:39,317 Well, I miss playing spoons with my wife. 114 00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:42,581 Playing spoons? I don't understand. 115 00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:44,815 - You mean music? - No. 116 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:48,359 You cuddle up together like two spoons in a drawer. 117 00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:51,327 Wait a minute. That's a little personal. Maybe you shouldn't use it. 118 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,126 - Whatever you say. - Aw, what the hell. 119 00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:57,634 I'm sure there are plenty of people back home who do the same thing. 120 00:07:58,671 --> 00:08:01,834 Father, what do you miss the most? 121 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:07,344 Well, let's see. I think, a chapel that didn't double as a mess tent. 122 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:10,381 You see, I'm very fond of stained glass. 123 00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:12,450 What do I miss the most? 124 00:08:16,055 --> 00:08:17,955 My very own room. 125 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,450 Sir, do you mind if we close those doors? 126 00:08:23,562 --> 00:08:25,553 Don't be antisocial, Radar. 127 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,432 Would you mind turning your head, please. 128 00:08:31,537 --> 00:08:36,304 Radar, I'm a doctor. I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have. 129 00:08:36,408 --> 00:08:38,535 Uh, gee, I don't think it's too much to ask... 130 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,044 for one guy to ask another guy to turn his head. 131 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,376 Your modesty is almost indecent. 132 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,780 Well, if you're a doctor like you say... 133 00:08:45,884 --> 00:08:48,546 then you don't need to see any more than you've seen. 134 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,588 Go ahead. Get sore. I love it when those little... 135 00:08:50,689 --> 00:08:52,816 wisps of steam come out of your tiny ears. 136 00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,663 Excuse, please, mister. 137 00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,667 Sir? 138 00:09:03,769 --> 00:09:05,669 There's a lady out there. 139 00:09:05,771 --> 00:09:08,239 You'll have to excuse the way I look. 140 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,535 I haven't seen a beauty parlor since Tokyo. 141 00:09:10,642 --> 00:09:12,542 Oh, you... You look just fine. 142 00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:15,078 Oh, thank you. 143 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,080 What was the question? 144 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,878 What do you miss the most around here? 145 00:09:19,985 --> 00:09:22,078 Around here? 146 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:25,816 Well, frankly, I'd have to say a sense of order and discipline. 147 00:09:25,924 --> 00:09:30,088 I think you'll all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order... 148 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:33,892 I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us. 149 00:09:40,906 --> 00:09:43,739 Fire ceremonial salute. 150 00:09:43,842 --> 00:09:46,834 - But, sir, the angle... - Fire the salute, Private! 151 00:09:48,981 --> 00:09:50,972 Yes, sir. 152 00:09:56,655 --> 00:09:59,488 You! Ooh! 153 00:09:59,591 --> 00:10:02,560 [Clamoring] 154 00:10:02,661 --> 00:10:06,563 Well, one thing I miss is my wife's cooking. 155 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:09,395 What am I saying? Anybody's cooking. 156 00:10:10,836 --> 00:10:13,066 - I got it. Smell this. - Come on. Don't start with me. 157 00:10:13,172 --> 00:10:15,868 - I know what it smells like. - I mean it. I can't eat if you do that. 158 00:10:15,974 --> 00:10:18,135 Just take a sniff. 159 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,906 If you took a raw egg and buried it in a shoe under a chicken coop. 160 00:10:22,014 --> 00:10:25,347 - I told you not to do that. How am I gonna eat this stuff? - Am I right? 161 00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:27,510 - But a brown egg. A brown egg, right? - Will you shut up? 162 00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,489 - Cream corn? - Thank you. 163 00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:37,388 And for the entrée today... 164 00:10:37,496 --> 00:10:39,430 - Here it comes. - Steady. 165 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:43,793 We have liver or fish. 166 00:10:45,737 --> 00:10:48,604 I didn't hear you say that. 167 00:10:48,707 --> 00:10:50,971 Because it isn't possible. 168 00:10:51,076 --> 00:10:54,170 It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. 169 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:57,112 The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds. 170 00:10:57,216 --> 00:11:00,652 - Easy. - I simply cannot eat the same food every day. 171 00:11:00,752 --> 00:11:02,879 Fish, liver! Day after day! 172 00:11:02,988 --> 00:11:05,855 I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! 173 00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:09,855 I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills. 174 00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:13,022 I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love... 175 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,531 if I'm smothered in bacon and onions. 176 00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,603 Are we gonna stand for this? Are we gonna let them do this to us? 177 00:11:18,704 --> 00:11:20,604 No, I say! No! 178 00:11:20,706 --> 00:11:22,867 We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore! 179 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,005 We want something else! We want something else! 180 00:11:27,112 --> 00:11:30,343 [Chanting] We want something else! 181 00:11:30,449 --> 00:11:32,781 Draftees of the world arise! 182 00:11:32,885 --> 00:11:34,785 You have nothing to lose but your cookies! 183 00:11:34,887 --> 00:11:38,789 [Chanting] We want something else! 184 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,354 Ah-ahh-ahh! 185 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:06,242 Our foreign policy is not a political issue. 186 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:08,615 [Truman Continues] It is a matter oflife and death. 187 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,847 It is a matter of the future of mankind. 188 00:12:10,956 --> 00:12:15,359 You will find that not one cent of $18,000... 189 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,759 or anybody else from a constituent went into my personal pocket. 190 00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:21,162 It never has and it never will in the future. 191 00:12:22,901 --> 00:12:25,495 I shall go to Korea. 192 00:12:25,604 --> 00:12:27,504 To rephrase an old adage... 193 00:12:27,606 --> 00:12:30,973 war, like politics, makes strange bedfellows. 194 00:12:31,076 --> 00:12:35,240 The 4077 th is a highly diverse, if not disparate, group of people. 195 00:12:35,347 --> 00:12:38,282 And yet the war seems to have molded them into a family. 196 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:42,547 I would say, all things considered and without overstating it... 197 00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:44,554 they're just about... 198 00:12:44,656 --> 00:12:46,647 No, forget "just about." 199 00:12:46,758 --> 00:12:49,886 They're the best bunch of people I've ever worked with in my whole life. 200 00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,805 Oh, my... 201 00:13:03,976 --> 00:13:05,876 It's a horse, sir. 202 00:13:05,978 --> 00:13:08,310 Here's the keys. 203 00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:11,539 A beautiful horse. 204 00:13:14,119 --> 00:13:16,019 I don't know what to say, Radar. 205 00:13:16,121 --> 00:13:20,023 - Pretty nice, Radar. - At least I'll get to take care of him. 206 00:13:22,127 --> 00:13:25,062 - Sorry about that, sir. - That's disgusting! 207 00:13:25,163 --> 00:13:28,894 Son, to me, that's a tiptoe through the tulips. 208 00:13:29,001 --> 00:13:31,902 When you share the horror that we do day in and day out... 209 00:13:32,004 --> 00:13:35,337 you don't just feel close, you cling to each other. 210 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:39,001 I hate the damn army, but I love these people. 211 00:13:39,111 --> 00:13:41,204 The way people come and go around here. 212 00:13:41,313 --> 00:13:45,079 You just get to know one person, and he leaves, and then there's another person. 213 00:13:46,985 --> 00:13:49,419 Uh, was it something I said? 214 00:13:49,521 --> 00:13:51,546 I'm gonna grab a jeep... 215 00:13:51,657 --> 00:13:54,683 drive to Seoul and catch the first plane home. 216 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:58,229 Right after they shoot you for desertion, you'll get a ticket for drunk driving. 217 00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:00,594 I gotta see my daughters. 218 00:14:00,699 --> 00:14:03,725 Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife? 219 00:14:03,835 --> 00:14:05,735 At least one daughter ago. 220 00:14:05,837 --> 00:14:10,069 Trap, leaving a war in the middle is very upsetting to those who invited us. 221 00:14:10,175 --> 00:14:14,475 Hey, listen. I don't like a movie, I get up and leave. 222 00:14:14,579 --> 00:14:16,945 I don't like the war, I'm going. 223 00:14:17,049 --> 00:14:19,745 Aw, come on, Trap. You gotta stick around and see how it ends. 224 00:14:19,851 --> 00:14:22,046 Oh, but it doesn't end. It's continuous. 225 00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:24,520 When it finishes here, they take it on the road. 226 00:14:24,623 --> 00:14:26,887 See ya in the funny papers. 227 00:14:28,593 --> 00:14:31,027 - Trap. - Hey, Hawk, out of the way. 228 00:14:32,064 --> 00:14:33,964 I don't want to use violence. 229 00:14:34,066 --> 00:14:36,125 Then I will. 230 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:41,871 Well, you have to understand, I'm regular army. 231 00:14:41,973 --> 00:14:43,873 Most of them are not. 232 00:14:43,975 --> 00:14:47,103 They're a terribly unruly and undisciplined bunch... 233 00:14:47,212 --> 00:14:51,911 and I thank God for each and every one of them when those casualties roll in. 234 00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:55,111 You get close to everybody in a place like this. 235 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:57,381 Some more than others, of course. 236 00:14:57,489 --> 00:15:00,390 Uh, my bunkmate for instance, B.J. Hunnicutt. 237 00:15:00,492 --> 00:15:04,690 Uh, clean-cut, family man, even temperament. 238 00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,356 In spite of that, I really like the guy. 239 00:15:07,466 --> 00:15:10,629 Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world? 240 00:15:10,736 --> 00:15:12,761 Mickey Rooney. 241 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,203 - Who gets an "A" in fidelity? - RCA Victor. 242 00:15:15,307 --> 00:15:18,674 No. You, both times. So how come she turns down a date with Dr. Jekyll... 243 00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:20,768 to go work in the lab with Mr. Hyde? 244 00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,779 She's helping me with some cases. 245 00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,850 - I could use a little of that kind of help myself. - Hawk... 246 00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:28,283 You sure there's nothing going on between you two kids? 247 00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:31,378 - Honest. - A little hanky-panky after taps? 248 00:15:31,490 --> 00:15:34,323 - I'm happily married! - Oh, yeah? 249 00:15:34,426 --> 00:15:38,556 I'm hopelessly, passionately in love with my wife. 250 00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:41,689 - What's wrong with that? - I don't want to mess that up. 251 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,700 I feel like I've betrayed her. 252 00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:47,670 We're still human beings, you know. No matter how hard we try not to be. 253 00:15:47,773 --> 00:15:50,936 Yes, I know, and I'm still afraid. 254 00:15:51,042 --> 00:15:54,534 - Of what? - Of you. 255 00:15:55,881 --> 00:15:58,543 Because you're right here. 256 00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:00,880 And you're so attractive and so close. 257 00:16:00,986 --> 00:16:03,045 And so vulnerable. 258 00:16:03,155 --> 00:16:04,986 Yes. 259 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,785 We can be friends. 260 00:16:10,896 --> 00:16:12,796 Okay. 261 00:16:12,898 --> 00:16:14,798 Let's go back to work, friend. 262 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:23,200 And then, of course, there's Major Winchester, our newest arrival. 263 00:16:23,308 --> 00:16:25,469 Someone should say something nice about him. 264 00:16:26,511 --> 00:16:28,775 Uh... 265 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,780 H-He's a very good doctor. 266 00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:33,749 - What's so great about him? - I do one thing at a time... 267 00:16:33,852 --> 00:16:38,448 I do it very well, and then I move on. 268 00:16:38,557 --> 00:16:41,924 Gentlemen, please pay close attention to this bowel resection. 269 00:16:42,027 --> 00:16:44,495 I don't want to have to show it to you twice. 270 00:16:44,596 --> 00:16:46,723 [Chuckles] 271 00:16:46,832 --> 00:16:50,359 I'm not gonna play second scalpel to this garbanzo for the rest of the war. 272 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:53,096 Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush and start hating him now? 273 00:16:53,205 --> 00:16:55,673 Sir, I have been here interminably. 274 00:16:55,774 --> 00:16:57,935 Time flies when you've got good duty. 275 00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:01,774 This meatball surgery is causing my skills to deteriorate! They're wasting away. 276 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,576 Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber! 277 00:17:04,683 --> 00:17:07,174 And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad! 278 00:17:07,285 --> 00:17:09,219 I've had enough of your beefing! 279 00:17:09,321 --> 00:17:12,654 I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us. 280 00:17:12,757 --> 00:17:14,782 Here. Your face is finished. 281 00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:21,422 You can cut me off from the civilized world. 282 00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:24,900 You can incarcerate me with two moronic cell mates. 283 00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:27,995 You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill. 284 00:17:28,106 --> 00:17:31,906 But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. 285 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:34,137 My voice shall be heard from this wilderness... 286 00:17:34,246 --> 00:17:38,706 and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer. 287 00:17:41,987 --> 00:17:44,547 I think he's getting the hang of this place. 288 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,124 Tell me something about the people here. 289 00:17:48,226 --> 00:17:53,357 No, I don't want to get into personalities, uh, here. 290 00:17:53,465 --> 00:17:58,027 However, there are some people that I will try very hard to forget. 291 00:17:58,136 --> 00:18:00,036 Of course, I know I never shall. 292 00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:04,199 One in particular who is, you might say... 293 00:18:04,309 --> 00:18:08,302 Well, let's start with immature, self-righteous, arrogant... 294 00:18:08,413 --> 00:18:10,404 everything I abhor. 295 00:18:10,515 --> 00:18:12,710 For the record, the only thing that makes him... 296 00:18:12,817 --> 00:18:14,876 marginally acceptable is his skill as a surgeon. 297 00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:17,887 Of course, even in there his conduct is insufferable. 298 00:18:17,989 --> 00:18:21,516 Good evening, ladies and germs. I'm sorry I'm late, but my watch stopped. 299 00:18:21,626 --> 00:18:23,890 It had to. It's been running fast all week. 300 00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:28,022 Is this the first time you've been pregnant? 301 00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:31,594 Nurse! Nurse! 302 00:18:31,703 --> 00:18:35,264 - Did you call me, Doctor? - Why should I call you "Doctor"? I'm the surgeon. 303 00:18:35,373 --> 00:18:38,706 I will not carry a gun, Frank. 304 00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:42,507 When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon... no guns. 305 00:18:42,614 --> 00:18:44,707 [Scoffs] 306 00:18:44,816 --> 00:18:47,842 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune... 307 00:18:47,953 --> 00:18:50,444 I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward... 308 00:18:50,555 --> 00:18:54,423 Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia," 309 00:18:54,526 --> 00:18:58,257 I'll even hara-kiri if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! 310 00:18:58,363 --> 00:19:01,264 Boy, you really are a sicko! Mental. 311 00:19:01,366 --> 00:19:03,732 Wouldn't you be, Lieutenant Nightingale? 312 00:19:03,835 --> 00:19:06,167 It goes against my training to say... 313 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,296 take two aspirin and go get yourself killed. 314 00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:10,499 What would Hippocrates say? What would Socrates say? 315 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,668 And what would you say if I asked you if you wanted to go into the linen closet... 316 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,804 - for several minutes of heavy breathing? - Are you gonna knock it off? 317 00:19:16,915 --> 00:19:18,712 Nurse? 318 00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,717 Pull down my mask. 319 00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:22,787 - Frank? - Hmm? 320 00:19:23,922 --> 00:19:25,219 Thank you. 321 00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:27,348 Our head nurse is really something. 322 00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:30,519 Uh, Major Houlihan. Margaret. 323 00:19:33,732 --> 00:19:35,632 Did I mention she's really something? 324 00:19:35,734 --> 00:19:37,702 Major Houlihan. 325 00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:39,929 Sir! 326 00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:42,336 - Chief Nurse. - Yes, sir. 327 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,705 - Ten years, spotless record. - Thank you, sir. 328 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,869 Major Frank Burns. 329 00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,812 Just friends, sir. 330 00:19:52,717 --> 00:19:56,380 Flare your nostrils for me, Frank. 331 00:19:56,488 --> 00:20:00,185 I get so excited when you flare them. 332 00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:03,124 - Margaret, I get so excited when you say "excited." - [Laughs] 333 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,062 Funny thing, war. 334 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:10,624 Never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy. 335 00:20:10,735 --> 00:20:13,966 Frank, we're so lucky to be two of the few and not the many. 336 00:20:14,072 --> 00:20:16,905 I know, darling, and I love being both of us. 337 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,499 Oh, Frank... 338 00:20:19,611 --> 00:20:21,806 you're so above average. 339 00:20:24,649 --> 00:20:28,847 Frank, be honest. You really think of me as a bag of desirable bones. 340 00:20:28,953 --> 00:20:32,354 - Oh, of course, Margaret. - I have a mind, Frank. 341 00:20:32,457 --> 00:20:34,357 A mind and a brain. 342 00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,427 Of course you do. 343 00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,758 Let me kiss your brain. 344 00:20:41,232 --> 00:20:43,291 Frank, leave. 345 00:20:44,102 --> 00:20:46,127 Take your face and... 346 00:20:46,237 --> 00:20:48,728 your married face... and get out! 347 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,276 Avec plaisir, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass! 348 00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:56,336 Oh! You should talk, you two-timing four-flusher! 349 00:20:57,482 --> 00:21:00,315 - Oh, Frank! - Oh, Margaret! 350 00:21:02,654 --> 00:21:05,179 Did I mention she's really something? 351 00:21:05,290 --> 00:21:07,281 - You do me. - Roll up your sleeve. 352 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,589 - Uh-uh. - What do you mean, "Uh-uh"? 353 00:21:10,695 --> 00:21:13,255 I want mine on my tushy. 354 00:21:13,364 --> 00:21:15,594 - Your what? - Derriere! 355 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:18,260 The back of my front. The fleshy part. 356 00:21:20,338 --> 00:21:22,238 Sir... 357 00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:24,240 Excuse me. I'm sorry! 358 00:21:24,342 --> 00:21:26,310 [Laughing] 359 00:21:29,214 --> 00:21:31,375 Aaah! 360 00:21:31,483 --> 00:21:33,917 [Laughs] Margaret, that was fantastic! 361 00:21:34,018 --> 00:21:35,918 Let's get it over with. 362 00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:38,580 My sentiments exactly. Let us not dawdle over a moment like this. 363 00:21:38,690 --> 00:21:41,056 Let us treat it as a professional encounter of the most... 364 00:21:41,159 --> 00:21:43,957 Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts? 365 00:21:44,062 --> 00:21:47,156 - If you say one word... - Oh, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Not a word. 366 00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:50,359 But if I did, that word would be "magnificent." Would that be bad? 367 00:21:50,468 --> 00:21:53,460 - Will you please give me the shot! - Okay, okay! 368 00:21:53,571 --> 00:21:56,404 [Screams] Stop it! Stop it! 369 00:21:56,508 --> 00:21:59,807 You don't know whether we're Americans or Chinese or Koreans! 370 00:21:59,911 --> 00:22:01,811 Margaret, come here. 371 00:22:01,913 --> 00:22:05,110 - I'm sorry. I'm afraid. - Me too. So am I. 372 00:22:05,216 --> 00:22:07,184 I don't like being afraid. It scares me. 373 00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:09,810 Me too. I'd feel a lot braver if I weren't so scared. 374 00:22:09,921 --> 00:22:11,821 - Please hold me. - I'm holding you. 375 00:22:11,923 --> 00:22:15,120 - I can't feel it. Hold me. Hold me. - Margaret, I'm holding you. 376 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:19,262 Will you cut it out! You want to kill us? 377 00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:23,892 - For crying out loud, cut it out! - Stop it. Stop it! 378 00:22:24,002 --> 00:22:26,630 - Stop it! Just leave us alone! - Will you cut it out! 379 00:22:38,082 --> 00:22:40,710 You know all those rotten things I've said to you? 380 00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:43,048 All those nasty little tricks I played on you? 381 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:44,678 Yes. 382 00:22:44,789 --> 00:22:47,622 I'd like to get well and do them all over again.