1 00:00:53,813 --> 00:00:56,782 [Man On p.A.] Attention.! Attention all personnel.! 2 00:00:56,883 --> 00:00:59,374 Colonel Lillian Rayburn, 8th Army Head Nurse... 3 00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:01,885 will arrive at 1800 today. 4 00:01:01,988 --> 00:01:04,081 This is a full-scale inspection, gals... 5 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,420 so grab your hose and powder your nose. 6 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:10,256 That's not what I wrote! Come on! Just say 'em like I give 'em to ya! 7 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:12,923 "Powder your nose and grab your hose." That's pretty funny, Radar. 8 00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:15,125 Uh-huh. Thanks a lot. 9 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:22,098 Afternoon, Corporal. Where do we find your C.O.? 10 00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:25,109 He's in his office, but I don't think he wants to be disturbed. 11 00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:28,408 Corporal, would you tell him that Colonel Lillian Rayburn is here? 12 00:01:28,514 --> 00:01:31,449 Colonel Rayburn? It's only noon. I mean 1200 hours. 13 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,984 You're not supposed to be here for 600 hours yet. 14 00:01:34,086 --> 00:01:36,987 - Well, take it from me, I'm me. - Oh, gee! 15 00:01:37,089 --> 00:01:39,580 I'm always the last to know. Look, I printed this stuff up. 16 00:01:39,692 --> 00:01:42,525 I got ink all over my clothes, my hands, my glasses and everything. 17 00:01:42,628 --> 00:01:45,563 - Things get rough up here, do they? - You don't know the half of it. 18 00:01:45,665 --> 00:01:48,463 Do you know that a guy came in yes... Excuse me, ma'am. 19 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,660 The colonel's office is right this way. 20 00:01:50,770 --> 00:01:52,931 If you follow me, I'll get you there from here. 21 00:01:53,039 --> 00:01:55,769 - A toast. To us. - To us. 22 00:01:55,875 --> 00:01:58,639 - Colonel Potter, Colonel Lillian Rayburn. - Good gravy! 23 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,474 - To say the least. - Well, I hope I haven't interrupted something. 24 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,606 - We were just having our livers removed. - Oh, I'll chip in mine. 25 00:02:04,717 --> 00:02:07,413 - Who am I drinking with? - Colonel Sherman Potter. 26 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,954 - Captain Hawkeye Pierce. - At the bottle. 27 00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:11,956 - Captain BJ. Hunnicutt. - At the ready. 28 00:02:12,058 --> 00:02:14,322 - What's the B.J. Stand for? - Anything you want. 29 00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,760 I'll get back to you. General Rivert sends his best. 30 00:02:17,863 --> 00:02:20,525 No kidding? Bill Rivert? You know Bill Rivert? 31 00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:23,602 I haven't heard that name in years. How is old yellow teeth? 32 00:02:23,703 --> 00:02:25,967 - Dark brown by now. - [Laughs] 33 00:02:26,072 --> 00:02:28,336 That guy could spit tobacco juice 20 yards. 34 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:31,933 - That's how he used to pick volunteers. - What does B.J. Stand for? 35 00:02:32,044 --> 00:02:34,911 - I remember he had a son. Don? - Anything you want. 36 00:02:35,014 --> 00:02:37,778 - You can tell me I'm your friend. - Bill get him into West Point? 37 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:40,443 - Three times. - Is it some kind of family secret? 38 00:02:40,553 --> 00:02:43,454 - How old's the boy now? - You're getting very mysterious. What's the problem? 39 00:02:43,556 --> 00:02:47,117 Wait a minute, guys. See those big wooden things with hinges on over there? 40 00:02:47,226 --> 00:02:49,160 Shut 'em on your way out. 41 00:02:49,261 --> 00:02:52,162 Nice meeting you, Colonel. If you're ever by the swamp, fall in. 42 00:02:52,264 --> 00:02:56,064 If I find out his name, I'll introduce you. Why can't you tell me? I'm your friend. 43 00:02:56,168 --> 00:03:00,195 Colonel Potter, I know what a pain in the butt visiting brass can be... 44 00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:03,400 but this is my first tour of Korea, and I'd like to see it all. 45 00:03:03,509 --> 00:03:07,775 I admire your salt. You just follow me around, I'll show you the whole enchilada. 46 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,815 - I've assigned you to the V.I.P. Tent, ma'am. - Thank you, Corporal. 47 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:14,818 It's next to the latrine. That can come in handy in the middle of the night. 48 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:18,287 - The lady's been around, Radar. - Sorry. Shall I show the colonel to the colonel's tent, colonel? 49 00:03:18,391 --> 00:03:21,622 I'll do it. You can start by taking her gear over. 50 00:03:21,727 --> 00:03:23,627 Oh. Yes, sir. 51 00:03:23,729 --> 00:03:27,790 There's a welcome basket in your tent... some canned fruit and flypaper. 52 00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:31,233 - Well, ready for the nickel tour? - After you. 53 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:35,000 Oh, mighty nice shoes, but from here on you better wear boots. 54 00:03:35,107 --> 00:03:37,974 - We get a lot of livestock through here. - Colonel. 55 00:03:38,077 --> 00:03:42,639 Ah, yes. Colonel Rayburn, this is Major Margaret Houlihan, our chief surgical nurse. 56 00:03:42,748 --> 00:03:45,012 Colonel, on behalf of the entire nursing staff... 57 00:03:45,117 --> 00:03:48,109 which I command and which I am delighted to be in charge of... 58 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,586 how pleased we are to welcome you to the 4077 th. 59 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:53,920 - Well, thank you, Major. - Well, thank you, ma'am. 60 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:58,463 With the colonel's permission, I've scheduled a general inspection at 2100 hours... 61 00:03:58,564 --> 00:04:01,533 and then a meeting with the senior nursing staff, and then tomorrow... 62 00:04:01,634 --> 00:04:04,694 Whoa, Major. That's a lot of pomp for these circumstances. 63 00:04:04,804 --> 00:04:09,537 With all due respect, sir, Colonel Rayburn is here to inspect my nurses. 64 00:04:09,642 --> 00:04:13,703 Well, I thought I'd do that while they work. It saves all that saluting. 65 00:04:13,813 --> 00:04:17,476 Of course. That was my alternate suggestion. 66 00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:19,483 Choppers, Colonels. Loaded. 67 00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:21,849 Okay. Let's start where we earn our keep. 68 00:04:21,954 --> 00:04:24,946 - Should I cancel the close order drill, Major? - Shut up. 69 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,992 You really know your way around a kidney, Sherman. 70 00:04:28,094 --> 00:04:30,756 Well, I've taken this route plenty of times. 71 00:04:30,863 --> 00:04:33,058 [Charles] Retractor. 72 00:04:33,165 --> 00:04:35,065 Retractor! 73 00:04:37,036 --> 00:04:39,937 Keep moving, Fowler! 74 00:04:40,039 --> 00:04:43,031 Everything runs like clockwork around here, Colonel. 75 00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:45,508 - Nurse, wind me up. - Sponge. 76 00:04:45,611 --> 00:04:50,446 Sponge there. Kellye, keep this aisle clear! 77 00:04:50,549 --> 00:04:53,279 Your Major Houlihan is a real hot patootie. 78 00:04:53,385 --> 00:04:56,843 She's a spanking good nurse, but your being here has given her the fidgets. 79 00:04:56,956 --> 00:05:00,323 Margaret, would you move that machine back where I had it? 80 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:04,760 Colonel Rayburn, I'm sure you'll agree that my nurses stack up against anybody. 81 00:05:04,864 --> 00:05:08,857 - Anybody but me. - Father, would you move that machine over here? 82 00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:11,528 - Why, certainly. - I've got it, Father. 83 00:05:11,637 --> 00:05:15,164 - Always a bridesmaid. - Are you trying to make me look bad? 84 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:17,208 Keep going. You don't need my help. 85 00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:20,506 So, how long have you been in this racket, Lil? 86 00:05:20,613 --> 00:05:23,241 - Twenty-two years. - Ah, you're just a baby. 87 00:05:23,349 --> 00:05:25,317 - You I like. - [Chuckles] 88 00:05:25,417 --> 00:05:29,319 That must be some awful name you're hiding if you won't even tell your best friend. 89 00:05:29,421 --> 00:05:32,288 - Oh, you're such a nudge. - It's "noodge." 90 00:05:32,391 --> 00:05:34,951 There, I told you something. Now you tell me something. 91 00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:38,223 - It's no use. I won't "boodge." - You're embarrassed, right? 92 00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:41,265 Yeah, that's it. All right. I know. I know. 93 00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:44,427 Look, I'll tell you an embarrassing story about myself... 94 00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:46,596 and that'll put you at ease, won't it? 95 00:05:46,705 --> 00:05:49,674 When I was 14, my father caught me smoking in bed. 96 00:05:49,775 --> 00:05:52,903 Boy, was he angry. Turned red as a beet. 97 00:05:53,012 --> 00:05:55,845 - Come to think of it, so did the girl I was with. - [Laughs] 98 00:05:55,948 --> 00:05:58,974 Pretty hot stuff, huh? All right, what does B.J. Stand for, huh? 99 00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:00,984 Who cares? 100 00:06:01,086 --> 00:06:04,180 Pierce, must we endure these endless stories of your dismal puberty? 101 00:06:04,290 --> 00:06:06,986 Oh, sure, Charles. Make me look bad in front of Colonel Rayburn. 102 00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:10,061 Can we concentrate on surgery, please? 103 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,426 - Is it always like this? - Don't mind them. 104 00:06:12,531 --> 00:06:14,761 They love to show off in front of company. 105 00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:18,234 Okay. You want to hear a really embarrassing story? This is a biggie. 106 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,396 Sucked my thumb till I was 26. 107 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:23,839 - Stop it. Will you stop it already? - I gave it up for bed-wetting. 108 00:06:23,943 --> 00:06:26,639 - Hunnicutt, B.J., Captain, U.S. Army... - Okay, okay. 109 00:06:26,745 --> 00:06:28,645 - What if I guess it? - Fine. 110 00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:33,241 Oh, goody, goody. Okay. Uh, B.J. Uh, BelvedereJehoshaphat. 111 00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,320 - Got it! First try. - Don't lie to me! 112 00:06:35,421 --> 00:06:37,389 I'd call you names if you had any. 113 00:06:37,489 --> 00:06:39,582 Attention! Prepare for inspection by Colonel... 114 00:06:39,692 --> 00:06:42,183 - Radar. You're blocking the road. - Sorry. Sorry, ma'am. 115 00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:45,786 Ah, Colonel, I see you've stumbled into our enchanted little post-op. 116 00:06:45,898 --> 00:06:48,890 Sorry you couldn't make it in the spring when the fractures are in bloom. 117 00:06:49,001 --> 00:06:51,663 How many wounded would you say get through here in a week? 118 00:06:51,770 --> 00:06:54,762 It's difficult to think of this place in terms of days and weeks. 119 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:57,933 - Simple for me. One week equals one shift. - In other words, big business. 120 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,943 - Too big. - Yeah. 121 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,945 - Was your mother Spanish? - No. Why? 122 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,878 That eliminates BenitoJuárez. 123 00:07:03,983 --> 00:07:06,451 After we're done here, I'll show you the pharmacy. 124 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:09,680 Uh, Colonel, I could do that if you want to get back to your desk... 125 00:07:09,788 --> 00:07:12,450 and get done some of the work you should've got done, sir. 126 00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:15,891 - Message received, son. No reply. - You've got a lot of work... 127 00:07:15,995 --> 00:07:19,829 Radar, why don't you pull the duty logs for, oh, say, the last six months... 128 00:07:19,932 --> 00:07:23,265 just in case Colonel Rayburn wants to take a gander. 129 00:07:23,369 --> 00:07:25,269 Yes, sir. 130 00:07:25,371 --> 00:07:28,397 My Uncle Ed used to give me a quarter to go to the movies. 131 00:07:28,507 --> 00:07:30,771 - What? - I'm going. 132 00:07:30,876 --> 00:07:33,078 Look at that boy. He belongs in a playground, not a hospital. 133 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,103 Look at that boy. He belongs in a playground, not a hospital. 134 00:07:35,214 --> 00:07:39,275 You know, as much as I hate O.R., this room is worse. 135 00:07:39,385 --> 00:07:41,285 Why? 136 00:07:41,387 --> 00:07:44,117 In there you only look at the wounds. 137 00:07:44,223 --> 00:07:46,919 In here you see the faces. 138 00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:51,091 - Radar, you busy? - Yes. 139 00:07:51,196 --> 00:07:54,097 You're evading the question. Where do you keep the personnel files? 140 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:56,099 - Back there. - Thank you. 141 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:58,999 - Second drawer on the right. - Oh, you're too kind. 142 00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:02,198 Let's see. "H" after "G," except in the army. 143 00:08:02,308 --> 00:08:06,142 Hunnicutt. Hunnicutt. I can't find Hunnicutt. 144 00:08:06,245 --> 00:08:08,713 Officers in the front, enlisted in the back. 145 00:08:08,814 --> 00:08:11,544 - How come you're in the front? - 'Cause I do the filing. 146 00:08:11,650 --> 00:08:14,414 Radar, what ever happened to that sweet, adorable you? 147 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,318 - None of your beeswax! - There. That's better. 148 00:08:18,657 --> 00:08:21,148 Something's bothering me. 149 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:24,559 Naw. Here. Lie down in this drawer and tell me all about it. 150 00:08:24,663 --> 00:08:27,063 Okay. I'm sorry. What is it? 151 00:08:27,166 --> 00:08:30,226 Some people just don't act like some people when other people show up. 152 00:08:30,336 --> 00:08:32,236 Aha! Now we're making some progress. 153 00:08:32,338 --> 00:08:34,806 Why don't you fill me in while you're looking up Hunnicutt's file? 154 00:08:34,907 --> 00:08:37,842 Makin' a fuss over her. Calling her Lil and everything. 155 00:08:37,943 --> 00:08:42,175 - Oh, Colonel Some People. - Yeah. He's a married man. He's got grandchildren. 156 00:08:42,281 --> 00:08:44,681 - Are you serious? - Of course I'm serious! 157 00:08:44,783 --> 00:08:47,718 He's taking her to show her the laundry! He never goes there himself. 158 00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:49,845 He's just being polite. 159 00:08:49,955 --> 00:08:52,219 I just don't think it happens to look right. 160 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,417 Radar, we're all a long way from home. 161 00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:57,654 - Maybe he just wants a little companionship. - That's what he's got me for. 162 00:08:57,763 --> 00:09:01,096 I mean someone closer to his own age and hair color. 163 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,031 - Yeah, maybe you're right. - Sure I am. 164 00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:06,434 What are you doing? Hey! That's Captain Hunnicutt's confidential file! 165 00:09:06,538 --> 00:09:09,507 - I just want to look one teeny little thing up. - No. Absolutely not! 166 00:09:09,608 --> 00:09:12,338 It's against army regulations. For Pete's sakes! 167 00:09:12,444 --> 00:09:14,742 You know Colonel Rayburn is right behind those doors! 168 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:17,748 - What if she come in here and caught us? - Okay, I'll marry you. 169 00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,876 Okay. It's not against regulations for you to look in there, is it? 170 00:09:20,986 --> 00:09:23,216 - No. It's my job. - Okay, just peek in there... 171 00:09:23,322 --> 00:09:26,052 and find out what B.J.'s initials stand for. 172 00:09:33,098 --> 00:09:34,998 - B.J. - Baloney! 173 00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,000 Here. Look. 174 00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:39,764 That creep! He won't even tell the army! 175 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:42,773 - It's killing me. I gotta find out. - What's the big deal? 176 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,571 He's hiding something from me. 177 00:09:45,677 --> 00:09:47,770 Boy, you think you know a guy. 178 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,247 We live together. We eat together. We even wear each other's socks. 179 00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:54,114 Why won't he tell me his name? 180 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:57,188 Do you really wear his socks? 181 00:09:57,289 --> 00:09:59,189 [Knocking] 182 00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:01,191 Come in. 183 00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:04,057 Excuse me, Colonel. I thought these might brighten up the place. 184 00:10:04,163 --> 00:10:06,597 They're not regulation, but they have a lovely fragrance. 185 00:10:06,698 --> 00:10:10,134 Yes, well, thank you, but I have hay fever. 186 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,465 Right. 187 00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:16,701 Oh, for goodness sakes! Why can't they learn how to make a bed around here? 188 00:10:16,809 --> 00:10:19,869 Major, I just turned that down. 189 00:10:19,978 --> 00:10:23,106 - Oh. - Instead of making it, why don't you sit on it? 190 00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:26,651 - Oh, certainly, Colonel. - And how about calling me Lil? 191 00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:29,220 If you don't, we'll never get past the weather. 192 00:10:29,321 --> 00:10:33,314 Well, I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable, Lil. 193 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:37,384 [Laughs] You'll get it. It'll be easier as you go along. 194 00:10:37,496 --> 00:10:41,956 I'll keep working on it, Colonel... Lil. 195 00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:46,026 Well, thank you. 196 00:10:46,138 --> 00:10:51,132 - And what do they call you? - Major Houlihan. Uh, Margaret. 197 00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:56,010 - Are you married, Margaret? - I was, but he wasn't. You? 198 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:58,309 - Nope. - Never? 199 00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,908 Well, not that I didn't have any offers... 200 00:11:01,019 --> 00:11:05,149 but most of them lost interest when they found out that my dowry was a duffel bag. 201 00:11:05,257 --> 00:11:08,624 - I know the type. - Well, it's their funeral. 202 00:11:08,727 --> 00:11:12,026 Those fellows missed out on a heck of an exciting ride. 203 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,360 Tell me, do you have any regrets? 204 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,627 Regrets? Hell, no. 205 00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,669 I wouldn't have it any other way. 206 00:11:18,770 --> 00:11:21,102 Women like us are lucky, Margaret. 207 00:11:21,206 --> 00:11:24,607 Why, we've seen more of the world than most people dream of. 208 00:11:24,710 --> 00:11:27,611 And let's face it, there's an excitement about our work. 209 00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:30,944 It's exciting when you help put some kid back together... 210 00:11:31,049 --> 00:11:33,108 and then watch him walk out of here. 211 00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:36,016 - Oh, I know what you mean. - [Laughs] 212 00:11:36,121 --> 00:11:39,454 The only thing I worry about is... 213 00:11:39,558 --> 00:11:43,722 eventually... what happens when... 214 00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:45,626 When you get to be my age? 215 00:11:45,731 --> 00:11:48,199 Don't you ever worry about ending up alone? 216 00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:52,202 Are you kiddin'! I'm gonna have to beat 'em off with a stick. 217 00:11:52,304 --> 00:11:56,001 What man my age would turn down a nurse with a pension? 218 00:11:56,108 --> 00:11:58,042 And a good-looking nurse at that. 219 00:11:58,143 --> 00:12:00,475 That's something else we've got in common. 220 00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:03,343 - [Knocking] - Come in while there's still room. 221 00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:06,611 Lil, I've been saving this bottle of scotch, and I thought we could... 222 00:12:06,718 --> 00:12:08,618 save it for some other time. 223 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,746 - Why not now? - It's getting late, and I have reports to fill out. 224 00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:15,452 - No, no, Major. I'll go. You two gals were gabbing. - No, no. We were finished. 225 00:12:15,561 --> 00:12:18,052 Look, I hope you two don't mind if I stay. 226 00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:20,927 - Good night, Colonel. Lil. - See you tomorrow, Colonel. 227 00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:28,667 [Knocking] 228 00:12:28,774 --> 00:12:30,674 Yes? 229 00:12:32,644 --> 00:12:36,375 I run this place. What am I leaving for? 230 00:12:36,481 --> 00:12:38,381 Now you're talkin'. 231 00:12:42,688 --> 00:12:47,751 No more guessing. I'm going to approach this scientifically. Tell me or I'll kill you! 232 00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:49,884 - Help! - You lie. That starts with an "H." 233 00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:52,987 Unless you intend to injure yourselves permanently, I do wish you'd stop that. 234 00:12:53,098 --> 00:12:56,761 - I want the names and addresses of everybody who's ever met you. - Okay, okay! 235 00:12:56,868 --> 00:13:00,065 I'm sending telegrams to anyone who even suspects what B.J. Stands for. 236 00:13:00,172 --> 00:13:02,732 - Or cares. - Who was dean of your med school? 237 00:13:02,841 --> 00:13:04,741 - T.R. Miller. - Now cut that out! 238 00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:08,142 Wait. There's more. Favorite comedian: W.C. Fields. Favorite author: D.H. Lawrence. 239 00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,942 - What about S.J. Perelman? - Or T.S. Eliot. 240 00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:12,516 D-R-O-P D-E-D. 241 00:13:12,618 --> 00:13:14,586 What do you think of e.e. Cummings? 242 00:13:14,686 --> 00:13:16,586 I never liked those little initials. 243 00:13:16,688 --> 00:13:19,782 Hot dang. What a perfect day! 244 00:13:19,891 --> 00:13:22,086 - Not a bomb in the sky. - Oh, that's comforting. 245 00:13:22,194 --> 00:13:25,129 Sir, do you want me to send off that letter to Mrs. Potter? 246 00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:27,960 - Not till I finish writing it, son. - But you could dictate it to me. 247 00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:31,627 - No, thanks. - Would the two colonels like me to send along a couple of M.P. S? 248 00:13:31,737 --> 00:13:34,433 This is a picnic, Radar, not a court-martial. 249 00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:38,100 - I know, but you never know when you're gonna run into snipers. - The ants'll get 'em. 250 00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:42,169 [Laughs] Hmm. 251 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,875 - Oh, nerts! - Well, I hope the cook packed a tire jack. 252 00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:49,351 No problem. Radar, requisition another jeep pronto. 253 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,753 Oh, gee. I just loaned one to Battalion Aid... 254 00:13:52,858 --> 00:13:56,851 and two of'em have bad spark plugs, and Sergeant Zale took the other. 255 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,953 - No jeeps. - Gee, I'm sorry. 256 00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:01,464 I guess you're gonna have to cancel your picnic. 257 00:14:01,566 --> 00:14:04,626 - Couldn't we walk? - Too bad. It's such a nice day. 258 00:14:04,736 --> 00:14:07,705 Jim-dandy-dee. Lil, I like your style. 259 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,707 Radar, hold down the fort till we get back. 260 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:15,610 Uh, sir, listen. I could get you a jeep tomorrow. Sir? Colonel? 261 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:23,052 "Couldn't we walk?" Boy! 262 00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:26,090 What a lousy trick. 263 00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:34,128 - Set 'em up, bartender. - Sorry, Major. The bar's not open yet. 264 00:14:34,232 --> 00:14:36,757 - What about him? - He slept over from last night. 265 00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:39,598 - The drinks are on me. - The bar is now open. 266 00:14:39,705 --> 00:14:42,606 - And to what do we owe this unprecedented largesse? - What? 267 00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:44,733 What put the hole in your change purse? 268 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,868 We're celebrating, Klinger. 269 00:14:46,978 --> 00:14:49,208 Ah, the alimony's in. 270 00:14:49,314 --> 00:14:51,544 Nope. It's Independence Day. 271 00:14:51,650 --> 00:14:54,118 Of course. September 10th. How could I forget? 272 00:14:54,219 --> 00:14:58,349 Every day is Independence Day, soldier, when you know where you're going. 273 00:14:58,457 --> 00:15:00,618 - Huh? - Klinger, I'm glad we're alone. 274 00:15:00,726 --> 00:15:03,160 - Oh? - I want to talk to you. 275 00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:06,355 - You're trying to get out of here, right? - The thought's crossed my mind. 276 00:15:06,465 --> 00:15:11,095 You're making a big mistake. Army life is not such a bad deal. 277 00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:16,539 Women... soldiers like us... get to see more of this world than most people ever dream of! 278 00:15:16,641 --> 00:15:21,374 I've seen enough. Thank you. You know, I always thought you could hold this stuff. 279 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,573 Now here's a bottomless pit. 280 00:15:23,682 --> 00:15:25,946 - Grape Nehi. And leave the bottle. - Did I tell you? 281 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,542 Put that on my tab. Sit over here, spunky. 282 00:15:28,653 --> 00:15:31,918 Uh, I don't know, ma'am. A noncom drinking with a com? 283 00:15:32,023 --> 00:15:34,048 Besides, I'm not very good company. 284 00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:36,093 Will you stop clucking and move over. 285 00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:40,597 What are you doing here in the middle of the day? 286 00:15:40,699 --> 00:15:43,600 - What do you mean by that? - You're usually shadowing the colonel. 287 00:15:43,702 --> 00:15:47,832 Colonel's on a picnic. And what's it to ya anyway? Boy, I hate a pushy barmaid. 288 00:15:47,939 --> 00:15:50,271 - Is he with Colonel Rayburn? - Who do you think? 289 00:15:50,375 --> 00:15:52,900 Those two are fast becoming an item. 290 00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:55,775 Do you think maybe... Nah. 291 00:15:55,881 --> 00:15:59,373 You betcha "nah." And anyway it's all her fault. 292 00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:01,577 - Her fault? - She never lets him alone. 293 00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:04,211 Who was it who came to her tent last night? 294 00:16:04,322 --> 00:16:06,984 - To her tent? - Oh, yeah. It's his fault. 295 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:09,652 It's still her fault! She didn't have to be there. 296 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,821 It's nobody's fault. They like each other. 297 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,263 Hit me again. 298 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,392 I know you. I can't remember the name, but I never forget a pace. 299 00:16:19,504 --> 00:16:21,802 Those colonels should've been back hours ago. 300 00:16:21,907 --> 00:16:24,671 Radar, you have to let the old folks out of the nest. 301 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,676 Something might've happened out there! 302 00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,145 There's snipers. There's land mines. Even worse, they might be getting friendly. 303 00:16:30,248 --> 00:16:32,045 We know how dangerous that can be. 304 00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:35,608 My cousin Raymond went on a picnic with a girl once, and they had to get married. 305 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,654 The colonel's already been spoken for. 306 00:16:37,756 --> 00:16:39,690 Yeah, and that's what makes it worse. 307 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,952 - Aren't you taking a lot for granted? - What? 308 00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:45,655 Just because they went out on a picnic doesn't mean they're having a picnic. 309 00:16:45,764 --> 00:16:48,528 - Huh? - They're mature, intelligent adults. 310 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:52,034 Did you ever think they might've gone out there just to talk? 311 00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:54,105 Yeah, it could be happening that way. 312 00:16:54,206 --> 00:16:56,197 Now let's get down to something important. 313 00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:59,368 - Did you send those telegrams out on B.J.? - Only the first 27. 314 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,446 - Come on! I'm gonna go out there and look for 'em. - Radar, relax! 315 00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:05,516 [Potter Singing] 316 00:17:05,617 --> 00:17:08,484 [Singing Show Tune] 317 00:17:16,761 --> 00:17:21,095 - That's them! - Oh, my God. They're being tortured. 318 00:17:21,199 --> 00:17:24,100 [Singing Continues] 319 00:17:30,709 --> 00:17:32,768 Boom, boom. [Laughs] 320 00:17:32,878 --> 00:17:35,039 I've heard better harmony from a machine gun. 321 00:17:35,146 --> 00:17:38,138 - Who was singing harmony? - [Laughing] 322 00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:42,016 Lil, I had one heck of a day. I hate to see it end. 323 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,351 If things stay quiet around here, it doesn't have to. 324 00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:48,858 Stop by my place later for a nightcap. You've got the address. 325 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,053 Do you know all the words to "Second Hand Rose"? 326 00:17:51,162 --> 00:17:54,598 - I sure do. - This time I'll bring my voice. 327 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,758 [Laughs] Right. 328 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,768 [Laughs] 329 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,532 [Humming] 330 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,972 - Howdy, buckaroos! - Hey there, Buffalo Bob. 331 00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,976 - Evening, Colonel. - Come on, boys. I'll buy you a cup of coffee. 332 00:18:07,078 --> 00:18:10,241 - Coffee's free here. - What's with him? 333 00:18:10,348 --> 00:18:13,784 Well, you know, you could've called and told him you'd be late. 334 00:18:15,287 --> 00:18:18,984 - [Knocking] - Come in. 335 00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:22,856 [Singing] 336 00:18:26,197 --> 00:18:29,655 [Laughs] Terrible. 337 00:18:29,768 --> 00:18:34,205 Well, after the second drink minimum, I'll sound likeJeanette MacDonald. 338 00:18:34,306 --> 00:18:36,638 And I'll look like Nelson Eddy. 339 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:39,767 [Crooning] 340 00:18:39,878 --> 00:18:43,109 [Laughs] 341 00:18:43,214 --> 00:18:47,776 Sherm, I don't know when I've enjoyed anyone's company as much as yours. 342 00:18:50,956 --> 00:18:54,414 How can I ever tell people I had fun in Korea? 343 00:18:54,526 --> 00:18:58,053 - [Chuckles] - We must've been some sight today, Lil... 344 00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:00,427 laughin' and singin' in the middle of a war. 345 00:19:00,532 --> 00:19:03,763 Not a war. A police action. 346 00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:06,268 Yeah. So they tell me. 347 00:19:07,472 --> 00:19:09,372 Cheers. 348 00:19:10,909 --> 00:19:14,743 I remember a captain I knew in England. This was before D-Day. 349 00:19:14,846 --> 00:19:19,215 He got some English girl to go for a cookout one night on the beach at Brighton. 350 00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:23,151 He was from California. You know how those people love to barbecue everything. 351 00:19:23,254 --> 00:19:27,486 Well, you couldn't have an open fire because of the blackout... 352 00:19:27,592 --> 00:19:29,526 but they rigged up something. 353 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:33,358 Anyway, after he got about a half a bottle of wine in her... 354 00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:35,956 she decides she wants to go swimming. 355 00:19:37,569 --> 00:19:40,629 Yeah, well, uh, while the two of them... 356 00:19:40,739 --> 00:19:44,004 are splashing around out there in their birthday suits... 357 00:19:44,109 --> 00:19:48,569 all these landing craft start landing. 358 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:52,275 And, uh, the whole British Army's on maneuvers... 359 00:19:52,384 --> 00:19:55,012 and spotlights went on and... 360 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,817 - Lil, are you listening to me? - Mmm. We're in England. 361 00:19:58,923 --> 00:20:03,383 So you had these, uh, landing craft... 362 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:07,431 and, uh, spotlights and, uh, British troops... 363 00:20:07,532 --> 00:20:09,693 Yes, you said that before. 364 00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:12,565 - I did, didn't I? - Yes, you did. 365 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:18,165 Lil, is what's happening what I think is happening? 366 00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:21,211 I think so. 367 00:20:21,312 --> 00:20:23,940 That's what I thought. 368 00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:29,818 Well, Lil, I, uh... 369 00:20:29,921 --> 00:20:33,220 I'm not, uh... 370 00:20:33,324 --> 00:20:36,316 That is to say... I don't... 371 00:20:36,428 --> 00:20:39,124 No, hmm? 372 00:20:39,230 --> 00:20:43,360 Not while there's a girl at home with my picture on her piano. 373 00:20:46,638 --> 00:20:50,904 Sherm, I just want you to know that, uh... 374 00:20:51,009 --> 00:20:54,206 well, I don't fall into bed with every man I meet. 375 00:20:54,312 --> 00:20:56,974 I know that. 376 00:20:57,082 --> 00:20:59,983 Where did I get my signals crossed? 377 00:21:00,085 --> 00:21:01,985 You didn't. 378 00:21:02,087 --> 00:21:05,386 I just... gave you the wrong impression. 379 00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:09,790 I was so damned tickled having someone my own age to talk to. 380 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:14,456 That's all. I'm sorry. 381 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,966 So am I. 382 00:21:18,336 --> 00:21:22,238 Could've been something quite special. 383 00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:24,934 It still is. 384 00:21:25,043 --> 00:21:28,479 This is a memory I'll never forget. 385 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:33,244 Well, I have two more MASHes to visit... 386 00:21:33,351 --> 00:21:35,979 and, uh... 387 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,521 I'd better get an early start. 388 00:21:40,391 --> 00:21:42,723 I'll see you off in the morning. 389 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:51,767 But if I was ever tempted... 390 00:21:51,870 --> 00:21:54,566 You had your chance. 391 00:21:56,908 --> 00:21:59,376 - Good night, Sherm. - Good night, Lil. 392 00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,712 Radar, are you all right? 393 00:22:09,821 --> 00:22:12,722 I heard that rat-tat-tatting all across the compound. 394 00:22:12,824 --> 00:22:14,883 Just catching up on the paperwork, sir. 395 00:22:14,993 --> 00:22:17,723 - You haven't been around much lately. - I know. 396 00:22:17,829 --> 00:22:20,423 You've been a big help to me the last couple of days. 397 00:22:20,532 --> 00:22:22,557 - Thank you. - Just part of my job, sir. 398 00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:25,602 Colonel Rayburn'll be leaving before breakfast tomorrow. 399 00:22:25,703 --> 00:22:28,900 Would you drop by my tent at about 6:00? I want to see her off. 400 00:22:29,007 --> 00:22:33,603 Yes, sir. Your tent? You're going back to your tent, sir? 401 00:22:33,711 --> 00:22:36,373 Well, why not? That's where I sleep, isn't it? 402 00:22:38,283 --> 00:22:40,547 Yes, sir. It sure is. 403 00:22:40,652 --> 00:22:44,349 You know, Colonel Rayburn's visit here has been a real treat for me. 404 00:22:44,455 --> 00:22:47,686 I almost forgot how wonderful it is to spend some time... 405 00:22:47,792 --> 00:22:50,761 with a woman who's been around as long as I have... 406 00:22:50,862 --> 00:22:52,762 speaks the same language. 407 00:22:52,864 --> 00:22:54,957 That's rare, Radar. 408 00:22:55,066 --> 00:22:58,058 Gee, I hope I meet somebody like that someday. 409 00:22:58,169 --> 00:23:02,868 You will. I've met a couple. Married the one I loved. 410 00:23:04,609 --> 00:23:07,373 I understand, sir. Um, don't worry about a thing. 411 00:23:07,478 --> 00:23:10,709 I'll fix everything tonight for tomorrow. You just get some rest. 412 00:23:10,815 --> 00:23:12,976 Thanks, Radar. Good night, son. 413 00:23:13,084 --> 00:23:14,984 Good night, Colonel. 414 00:23:26,464 --> 00:23:30,491 Uh, excuse me, sirs. Hawkeye, we got answers back to your telegrams. 415 00:23:30,602 --> 00:23:33,503 All right. This is it. Now I got ya. What does it say? 416 00:23:33,605 --> 00:23:37,302 According to every one we got, Captain Hunnicutt has no first name. Just B.J. 417 00:23:37,408 --> 00:23:39,308 What! Let me see that. 418 00:23:39,410 --> 00:23:41,935 "B.J." "B.J." 419 00:23:42,046 --> 00:23:45,072 Who would name their kid B.J.? 420 00:23:45,183 --> 00:23:48,277 My mother, Bea Hunnicutt, and my father, Jay Hunnicutt. 421 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:51,844 - B.J. - Oh, sure! Now I get it. 422 00:23:51,956 --> 00:23:54,220 - [Laughs] - Bea and Jay. B.J. 423 00:23:54,325 --> 00:23:57,988 You honestly expect me to buy that cockamamy story? 424 00:23:58,096 --> 00:24:00,621 - Now what does it stand for? - Anything you want. 425 00:24:03,167 --> 00:24:05,226 [Grunts]