1 00:00:54,714 --> 00:00:56,614 [Man On p.A.] Attention, all personnel. 2 00:00:56,716 --> 00:00:59,879 This is absolutely the final call for morning formation. 3 00:00:59,986 --> 00:01:03,786 Those survivors oflast night's three-day party who have not already fallen... 4 00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:07,291 please fall in. 5 00:01:07,393 --> 00:01:11,295 Margaret, you know regulations. What are you doing out here with clean clothes and no beard? 6 00:01:11,397 --> 00:01:15,390 - Enjoying the most beautiful morning I've seen in weeks. - Where? 7 00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:17,696 Oh, the sun's gonna ruin my comb-out. 8 00:01:17,803 --> 00:01:20,237 Just what this country needs... a good one-cent cigar. 9 00:01:20,339 --> 00:01:22,239 - [Blowing Whistle] - [All Groaning] 10 00:01:22,341 --> 00:01:24,571 - [Grumbling] - Radar. 11 00:01:24,677 --> 00:01:26,645 You'll get it back after the war. 12 00:01:28,814 --> 00:01:31,942 Company, ten-hut! 13 00:01:32,051 --> 00:01:34,645 Thank you, Major. 14 00:01:34,754 --> 00:01:36,654 As you were. 15 00:01:36,756 --> 00:01:39,623 Good morning, people. Two announcements. First... 16 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,125 - Yes, pierce? - I move for adjournment. 17 00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:43,855 Of course you do. 18 00:01:43,963 --> 00:01:47,296 First, now that we've moved the gasoline next to the latrine... 19 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,300 there will be no smoking in there. 20 00:01:49,402 --> 00:01:52,803 Anyone caught will get what's left of his butt kicked. 21 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:54,839 Safety first. 22 00:01:54,941 --> 00:01:57,535 And now this cheery bit of news. 23 00:01:57,643 --> 00:02:01,204 Last couple of weeks it looked like we might be getting a break in the peace talks... 24 00:02:01,314 --> 00:02:03,748 that we might all be going home. 25 00:02:03,849 --> 00:02:05,476 No such luck. 26 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:09,680 Those red-tape worms up at Panmunjom are stuck again. We're back at square one. 27 00:02:09,789 --> 00:02:12,758 - [Grumbling] - It's never gonna stop! 28 00:02:12,858 --> 00:02:17,420 All right, I know, but remember, nobody's here for the duration. 29 00:02:17,530 --> 00:02:21,261 When you've got enough service points, the army will rotate you home. 30 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:25,201 In the meantime, let's pull together, do the best we can... 31 00:02:25,304 --> 00:02:28,000 and, uh... Aw, you know the rest of the song. 32 00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:30,007 - Radar, let 'em go. - Yes, sir. 33 00:02:30,109 --> 00:02:33,135 Company, ten-hut! 34 00:02:37,149 --> 00:02:38,514 Dismissed. 35 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:42,109 I love it. Peace talks. They talk and we get blown to pieces. 36 00:02:42,221 --> 00:02:44,382 Ah, these shortsighted men of great vision. 37 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:47,618 Tsk, tsk, tsk. Do you naive little boys really think... 38 00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:50,787 that all the parties concerned have to do is shake hands and make nice? 39 00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:52,796 It's futile, children. 40 00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:55,458 - Stamping your little feet is not gonna help. - You're right, Charles. 41 00:02:55,568 --> 00:02:58,332 Heck, it's a big, bright, beautiful world we live in. 42 00:02:58,437 --> 00:03:00,506 [Jet passes Overhead] 43 00:03:00,706 --> 00:03:03,402 Morning, Captains. Come here and sit with me. 44 00:03:03,509 --> 00:03:06,239 Margaret, what's with all this good cheer? There's a war on. 45 00:03:06,345 --> 00:03:08,472 What happened to "Let a snarl be your umbrella?" 46 00:03:08,581 --> 00:03:12,881 Well, it just so happens that I have a date next Saturday with my husband in Tokyo. 47 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,850 Good. You two can finally fight in person. 48 00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:17,582 I know, I know. We've had some problems. 49 00:03:17,690 --> 00:03:20,250 We know, we know. We heard the yelling. 50 00:03:20,359 --> 00:03:22,259 Well, it's all behind us now. 51 00:03:22,361 --> 00:03:24,989 Donald and I have decided that there's nothing we can't settle... 52 00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:27,065 if we can just sit down and discuss it. 53 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,066 At least your peace talks show some promise. 54 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,466 - [Knocking] - Yeah! Come! 55 00:03:32,505 --> 00:03:34,439 - Yes, Corporal? - Uh, Major, ma'am... 56 00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:36,440 before I give you this telegram I'm gonna give you... 57 00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,442 I just want you to know it's not my fault. 58 00:03:38,544 --> 00:03:41,707 Now, listen! I'm just a messenger here, so don't take it out on me... 59 00:03:41,814 --> 00:03:44,112 - not that you would, but you always do. - Can I see it? 60 00:03:44,216 --> 00:03:47,083 Remember, I had nothing to do... Oh, I'm a dead man. 61 00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:50,246 Radar, why are you worried about this? Why should this upset me? 62 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:53,189 You mean you're not mad that your colonel-husband can't meet you? 63 00:03:53,292 --> 00:03:57,058 Of course not. He's only been transferred to San Francisco for a week. It's an emergency. 64 00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:59,188 Yeah, but you had plans. You were going to Tokyo. 65 00:03:59,298 --> 00:04:02,529 So we'll meet when he gets back. There'll be other weekends. 66 00:04:02,635 --> 00:04:07,072 The important thing is we're trying to work things out. 67 00:04:07,173 --> 00:04:10,404 You mind if I, uh, just take another look at this message, ma'am? 68 00:04:13,679 --> 00:04:15,247 - You sure you're not even gonna slug me once? - [Laughs] 69 00:04:15,247 --> 00:04:15,906 - You sure you're not even gonna slug me once? - [Laughs] 70 00:04:16,015 --> 00:04:17,915 [Man On p.A.] Attention.! Attention, all personnel. 71 00:04:18,017 --> 00:04:20,008 Incoming choppers. On the double, folks. 72 00:04:20,119 --> 00:04:23,953 - Hup. Let's go. - Wow! I must've been scared. I didn't hear 'em. Choppers! 73 00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:27,082 [B.J.] Look at this guy. It's gonna take me half an hour to figure out what goes where. 74 00:04:27,193 --> 00:04:29,593 I'd like to see the peace delegates negotiate over that table. 75 00:04:29,695 --> 00:04:31,686 Headline: "Korean War ends. 76 00:04:31,797 --> 00:04:35,597 Both sides capitulate to Captain Benjamin "Holier Than Thou' Pierce." 77 00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:38,261 Charles, you're walking a steep ledge in a hurricane. 78 00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:41,430 Oh, come off it, Pierce. You have more rotation points than any of us. 79 00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:44,100 - You have the least cause to gripe. - Look, Doctor... 80 00:04:44,210 --> 00:04:47,111 the four or five eternities I've spent putting these kids back together... 81 00:04:47,213 --> 00:04:51,115 gives me every right I need to complain about this lousy, stinking, rotten war. 82 00:04:51,217 --> 00:04:53,777 And if that still doesn't pass the Winchester Review Board... 83 00:04:53,886 --> 00:04:56,116 why don't we settle this outside, man to victim? 84 00:04:56,222 --> 00:04:58,850 - You'd love that, wouldn't you, Mr. Pacifist? - You bet I would. 85 00:04:58,958 --> 00:05:01,984 Boys, please! We have enough bloodshed in here already. 86 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:04,654 - Father, just turn your cheek, huh? - All right. Shut it off. 87 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,663 I'm in this kid's belly up to my elbows. 88 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:10,098 I'm not about to pull you people off each other's throats, understood? 89 00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:12,693 And the next time someonejumps on the father... 90 00:05:12,805 --> 00:05:14,932 they're gonna answer to a higher authority... Me! 91 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,770 Thank you, Colonel, but that's really not necessary. 92 00:05:17,877 --> 00:05:21,506 What do you mean it's not necessary? Don't you tell me what's not necessary! 93 00:05:22,615 --> 00:05:23,843 Whoops. 94 00:05:26,185 --> 00:05:28,085 [Exhales] Sit down, all of you. 95 00:05:28,187 --> 00:05:30,655 - Actually, I prefer... - Sit down! 96 00:05:31,690 --> 00:05:34,591 Of course. 97 00:05:34,693 --> 00:05:37,924 I don't like the way things are shaping up in this camp. 98 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:42,160 Everybody's growling. It's ugly. I'm afraid to walk home at night. 99 00:05:42,268 --> 00:05:44,202 This used to be such a good neighborhood. 100 00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:47,431 Well, there'll be some changes made today. 101 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:50,771 See this smile? You're all gonna wear one just like it. 102 00:05:50,876 --> 00:05:53,242 Hopefully, it'll catch on. 103 00:05:53,345 --> 00:05:55,779 - Surely you don't think... - Quiet.! 104 00:05:55,881 --> 00:05:57,849 Smile! 105 00:06:01,554 --> 00:06:04,421 And now for you two. The whole camp follows your lead. 106 00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:08,721 That's why... and remember, I'm a colonel... I want you to play the game. 107 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:12,024 You don't have to love it here. Just tolerate it an awful lot. 108 00:06:12,131 --> 00:06:15,032 That's impossible. The best I can do is despise the place. 109 00:06:15,134 --> 00:06:18,399 Call it an order! 110 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:21,564 That's what I like to hear. [Snaps] 111 00:06:21,674 --> 00:06:25,337 Oh, uh, one more thing. You might wanna shave and put on a new uniform. 112 00:06:25,444 --> 00:06:28,538 I'm too exhausted. Maybe the next war. 113 00:06:28,647 --> 00:06:30,512 Do it! 114 00:06:31,617 --> 00:06:33,642 Boy, will you feel dandy. 115 00:06:35,554 --> 00:06:38,216 He's right, you know. You look awful. 116 00:06:38,324 --> 00:06:40,918 Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott. 117 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:45,827 I wanna know exactly when he's coming back from San Francisco. It should be sometime next week. 118 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,899 Then look for it. 119 00:06:50,002 --> 00:06:51,970 Clod. 120 00:06:53,005 --> 00:06:55,906 That's right. Penobscott. 121 00:06:56,008 --> 00:06:58,169 What do you mean he's not due back? 122 00:06:59,245 --> 00:07:02,214 He's been assigned there permanently! 123 00:07:02,314 --> 00:07:04,714 Are you sure? 124 00:07:04,817 --> 00:07:07,877 Who's the jackass who requested that? 125 00:07:09,822 --> 00:07:12,552 He did! 126 00:07:12,658 --> 00:07:15,058 Himself? 127 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,890 [Shouting] He requested it himself? 128 00:07:17,997 --> 00:07:20,727 [Whistling] 129 00:07:20,833 --> 00:07:25,031 I see. You've been very helpful. 130 00:07:25,137 --> 00:07:28,072 Good-bye. 131 00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:31,665 Gee, ma'am. Thanks a lot for keeping your call within time. I sure do appreciate that. 132 00:07:31,777 --> 00:07:34,678 - Did you find out when your colonel's coming back? - Yes. 133 00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:39,080 - Yes, I found out everything. - That's great. You know something? 134 00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:42,153 I really was surprised the way you took that telegram before. 135 00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:46,816 And pardon me for saying so, but you're really a nice person when you're nice. [Chuckles] 136 00:07:50,129 --> 00:07:53,758 Hey. Feel that. Smoother than a baby's bottom. 137 00:07:53,866 --> 00:07:57,768 Yeah, a baby baboon. When are you gonna shave off that cheesy mustache? 138 00:07:57,870 --> 00:08:00,270 Never. I like a little rebellion on my face. 139 00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:02,704 Rebellion is one thing. That's revolting. 140 00:08:02,808 --> 00:08:05,038 Well, I happen to love it. Don't we, Charles? 141 00:08:05,144 --> 00:08:07,044 Nurse Carvelli has a better-looking mustache. 142 00:08:07,146 --> 00:08:10,206 So the truth comes out... neither of you has any taste. 143 00:08:10,316 --> 00:08:12,716 - Beej, I'm aghast. - Okay. 144 00:08:12,818 --> 00:08:15,378 I can understand that about him, but me? 145 00:08:15,487 --> 00:08:17,387 I'm the snappiest dresser in this camp. 146 00:08:17,489 --> 00:08:19,389 You? You better change before somebody rolls you up... 147 00:08:19,491 --> 00:08:21,391 and throws you in the back of the laundry truck. 148 00:08:21,493 --> 00:08:23,893 I get the message. Will you be happy if I put on a tie? 149 00:08:23,996 --> 00:08:26,226 Remember, stripes clash with blood spots. 150 00:08:26,332 --> 00:08:28,994 Look at this bilious schmatte. 151 00:08:29,101 --> 00:08:32,400 Everything here is green. I'm so sick of green. 152 00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:34,563 You know why they dress us this way, don't you? 153 00:08:34,673 --> 00:08:36,573 So we'll blend into the background. 154 00:08:36,675 --> 00:08:39,337 Nobody matters 'cause we all look alike. 155 00:08:39,445 --> 00:08:41,913 Just once I'd like to see some other color. 156 00:08:42,014 --> 00:08:43,914 Like red, for instance. 157 00:08:44,016 --> 00:08:47,747 Not this kind of red. Red that's rosy. Red that's cheery. 158 00:08:47,853 --> 00:08:50,754 I'm not asking much. A red handkerchief. 159 00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:52,756 Red fringe. 160 00:08:52,858 --> 00:08:55,759 I don't know. A little red alligator on the pocket. 161 00:08:55,861 --> 00:08:58,421 - Something to break things up. - Like a mustache? 162 00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:02,364 - Don't get carried away. - Excuse the interruption, but is the bar open? 163 00:09:02,468 --> 00:09:05,028 - Do I have to change you myself? - I'm working on it. 164 00:09:05,137 --> 00:09:07,537 And when are you gonna get rid of that cheesy mustache? 165 00:09:07,639 --> 00:09:11,040 Never! It's either this or I wear a caterpillar under my nose. 166 00:09:11,143 --> 00:09:13,611 - I'd court-martial him. - So would I, but I hate the paperwork. 167 00:09:13,712 --> 00:09:15,236 Then shoot him. Humph. 168 00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:18,544 Getting close to that. Look, I'm in no mood to argue. 169 00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:21,186 - Keep it, Hunnicutt. - Good. I hate caterpillars. 170 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,118 - You wanted a drink, Colonel? - We'd all better have one. 171 00:09:24,223 --> 00:09:26,783 Uh-oh. I hear the bell tolling again. 172 00:09:26,892 --> 00:09:29,759 This is gonna hit everybody hard, especially you, Hawkeye. 173 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:34,424 With the war trudging on, the army is having a tough time replacing surgeons. 174 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,467 - So be advised that... - Don't say it! 175 00:09:36,568 --> 00:09:38,468 They upped the rotation points. 176 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:41,471 Instead of 36 points to get out of here, you now need 45. 177 00:09:41,573 --> 00:09:44,440 I protest! We've been had! Again! 178 00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:46,670 - Son, I'm really... - [Crash] 179 00:09:46,779 --> 00:09:47,939 Sorry. 180 00:09:50,983 --> 00:09:52,883 45 points! 181 00:09:52,985 --> 00:09:55,317 [Shouting] Why not 50? 60? 182 00:09:55,421 --> 00:09:57,412 Why not a million? 183 00:09:58,857 --> 00:10:02,088 - [Grunts] - Outta my way, pierce.! 184 00:10:02,194 --> 00:10:04,685 I'm gonna kick every can in this camp! 185 00:10:04,797 --> 00:10:08,426 I don't know what... Hey, hey! I don't know what set you off, but I'm not in the mood! 186 00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,695 Of course not. It means nothing to you... 187 00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:14,762 that my husband got himself transferred back to San Francisco... for good! 188 00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:17,433 Margaret, they changed the rules on us... again! 189 00:10:17,543 --> 00:10:19,408 He ran out on me! 190 00:10:19,511 --> 00:10:22,674 We'll be here forever! We'll be here longer than forever! 191 00:10:24,616 --> 00:10:27,483 - What do you mean he ran out on you? - He lied to me. 192 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,952 He kept saying we could work things out. 193 00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,455 And then to prove it, he went sneaking off. 194 00:10:32,558 --> 00:10:35,550 He couldn't even face me, the dirty, miserable weasel! 195 00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:38,789 - What are you gonna do? - Get a divorce, that's what! 196 00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:42,867 [Crying] Get a divorce. 197 00:10:44,369 --> 00:10:46,803 [Crying Continues] 198 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,765 Margaret, I'm sorry. 199 00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:55,075 It's my fault. [Sniffles] 200 00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:58,047 Look at the place I picked to have a marriage! 201 00:11:00,185 --> 00:11:02,085 This damn war. We're helpless here. 202 00:11:02,187 --> 00:11:04,155 We just gotta sit here and take it. 203 00:11:04,256 --> 00:11:08,022 This has gotta stop. This has gotta stop right now. 204 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,424 Today. This minute! 205 00:11:10,529 --> 00:11:12,895 - What are you doing? Where are you going? - I'm going to Panmunjom. 206 00:11:12,998 --> 00:11:14,898 - What? - I'm going to the peace talks. 207 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,265 - The peace talks? Why? - [Starts Engine] To stop the war! 208 00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:22,670 You can't do that! Are you crazy? 209 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,518 Officer, I'm looking for the peace talks. Can you help me? 210 00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:38,522 Would you state your business here, sir? 211 00:11:38,624 --> 00:11:41,593 - You're kidding. You mean you don't know? - Know what, sir? 212 00:11:41,693 --> 00:11:44,787 That there's a very, very sick man up here. 213 00:11:44,897 --> 00:11:47,832 I'm Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MASH 4077. 214 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,901 I was told to report to the peace talks immediately. 215 00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:52,527 We just came on, but we weren't notified of anyone needing medical help. 216 00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:56,438 I don't know what the story is, but I just ran every red light in Korea to get here. 217 00:11:56,542 --> 00:11:58,669 Nothing in the log about it. 218 00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:01,337 Fellas, they said it was a matter of life and death. How about it? 219 00:12:01,446 --> 00:12:04,472 - I'll ride up there with him and check this out. - Fine. Get in. 220 00:12:04,583 --> 00:12:07,143 - [Starts Engine] - And you'll get the toll, won't you? 221 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:13,416 - Then let me go after him! - No way, Jose! 222 00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:15,755 You don't leave my sight. 223 00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:17,761 - Did you get through to Panmunjom yet? - No. 224 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,593 - I'm still waiting for Sparky to clear a line. - Radar, offer him anything... 225 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,759 except my 20-year-old bottle of Scotch. 226 00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,769 - Uh-oh. - Swell. 227 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,271 - Colonel, I wish a word with you in private. - Major, I heard... 228 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,603 and I wanna have a long talk with you about your problem... 229 00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:33,269 but right now I've gotta cut that wild Indian off at the pass. 230 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:37,439 - Shall we step into your office? - Right behind you... but just for a minute. 231 00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:39,517 All right, Margaret, shoot. 232 00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:41,779 Well, Colonel, as you know, I've decided to divorce... 233 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,447 that rotten, no-good excuse for a husband of mine. 234 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,456 I know. How can I help? 235 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,788 You can tell me that I'm doing the right thing. 236 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,125 I need you to reassure me that I've suffered enough. 237 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:55,427 Oh, I hate to see any marriage go kablooey. 238 00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:58,469 But in this case, I'd dump him. 239 00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:03,667 - Dump him? What a terrible thing to say! - But you just finished saying... 240 00:13:03,775 --> 00:13:06,403 After all, it's not a love affair. It's a marriage. 241 00:13:06,511 --> 00:13:08,411 That's not something you just throw away. 242 00:13:08,513 --> 00:13:10,743 No. No, you don't. 243 00:13:10,849 --> 00:13:13,249 - Maybe you should call him... - Call him? 244 00:13:13,352 --> 00:13:15,912 I will not! Why should I? 245 00:13:16,021 --> 00:13:19,752 I was ready to talk and he went crawling off to San Francisco like a frightened worm! 246 00:13:19,858 --> 00:13:22,418 - Yeah. That's what he did. - You bet that's what he did! 247 00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:27,931 Maybe I'm being too hasty. 248 00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:30,763 - Should I give him another chance? - Let me ask you something. 249 00:13:30,869 --> 00:13:33,770 How do you feel about it right here, down in your gut? 250 00:13:33,872 --> 00:13:36,102 That's always been my final yardstick. 251 00:13:36,208 --> 00:13:38,108 What do your insides tell you? 252 00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:40,508 My insides just don't know! 253 00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,773 - Colonel, Panmunjom is on. - Yeah. In a moment. 254 00:13:42,881 --> 00:13:45,873 Come on, Margaret. From your gut, what do you wanna do? 255 00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:47,975 - Divorce him. - Then do it! 256 00:13:49,087 --> 00:13:50,987 I will! 257 00:13:51,089 --> 00:13:53,319 Yeah. Panmunjom? Right. 258 00:13:53,425 --> 00:13:57,293 Uh, I got the guard gate. Yeah. This is the 4077 th MASH. 259 00:13:57,396 --> 00:13:59,421 - Right. How are you, Guard? - Radar, they're fine. 260 00:13:59,531 --> 00:14:01,431 - Ask 'em about Pierce! - Right. 261 00:14:01,533 --> 00:14:03,660 We're looking for a Captain Benjamin Pierce. 262 00:14:03,769 --> 00:14:06,863 Uh, he's a doctor. He's in a jeep. He's wearing doctor stuff. 263 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,304 Yeah. You've seen him? They've seen him. 264 00:14:09,408 --> 00:14:11,569 - And? And? - Oh. Oh, yeah. Right. 265 00:14:11,677 --> 00:14:13,668 And? 266 00:14:13,779 --> 00:14:16,043 No kidding? He left there. 267 00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,082 - [Exhales Deeply] - Whew! To go on ahead. 268 00:14:19,351 --> 00:14:21,251 I don't believe it. He got in? 269 00:14:21,353 --> 00:14:24,686 35 years in the army, I thought I'd seen it all. 270 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,087 It's okay, men. I've arrived. Everything's gonna be fine. 271 00:14:27,192 --> 00:14:29,160 - Did somebody up here call for a doctor? - Doctor? 272 00:14:29,261 --> 00:14:31,729 Why am I the only one who knows what's going on here? 273 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,663 Somebody in there is sick and sent for me. That's all I know. 274 00:14:34,766 --> 00:14:38,896 It's probably General Tomlin. He's always complaining how this place gives him gastritis. 275 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:41,404 Gastritis. See? 276 00:14:43,041 --> 00:14:45,601 - Which one is Tomlin? - The fat one with his hand on his belly. 277 00:14:45,711 --> 00:14:47,611 Right. Thanks. 278 00:14:47,713 --> 00:14:49,442 [Guard] Next time, I wish they'd call ahead. 279 00:14:49,548 --> 00:14:51,948 [Exhales Deeply] 280 00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:55,110 - Hey. What is this? - Take it easy, General. Everything's gonna be all right. 281 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:58,621 - Well, what are you doing? - I'm a doctor. I'm here for your gastritis. Sit down. 282 00:14:58,724 --> 00:15:01,887 - Well, I'm feeling a little better today. - Mm-hmm. 283 00:15:01,993 --> 00:15:05,053 - Who called you? - And just in time too. 284 00:15:05,163 --> 00:15:07,688 - You sticking to boiled chicken and poached eggs? - Yes. 285 00:15:07,799 --> 00:15:10,290 - And lots of buttermilk? - Well, some. 286 00:15:10,402 --> 00:15:12,563 Oh, please, don't let me stop you. 287 00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,571 You people have a lot of work to do, you know. 288 00:15:14,673 --> 00:15:16,732 - [Clears Throat] - And you're falling behind. 289 00:15:16,842 --> 00:15:19,572 It's a real mess out there, in case you haven't noticed. 290 00:15:19,678 --> 00:15:21,578 Mind if I give you a little hint? 291 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,614 Excuse me. This will just take a second. Relax. 292 00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:26,081 What you people have to do here is help each other. 293 00:15:26,184 --> 00:15:28,243 "How do we help each other?" You ask, huh? 294 00:15:28,353 --> 00:15:32,153 Hey, first you gotta get to know each other... and you don't, do you? 295 00:15:32,257 --> 00:15:34,225 Listen, um, let me break the ice. 296 00:15:34,326 --> 00:15:36,226 How many of you here are from out of town? 297 00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:40,790 How many of you here are here? 298 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,764 Come on. You can tell me. I'm your doctor! 299 00:15:42,868 --> 00:15:45,894 - I think that's quite enough. - Easy, General. It's going boom, boom, boom. 300 00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:48,438 - Oh? - I got a great idea. Why don't we all take hands? 301 00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:52,271 - Come on. Join hands. Everybody. Join hands and say, "Howdy!" - [Clears Throat] 302 00:15:52,377 --> 00:15:54,277 Come on! Everybo... Howdy! 303 00:15:54,379 --> 00:15:56,347 [Speaking Korean] Howdy? 304 00:15:56,448 --> 00:15:59,440 That's it! You got it! Okay. Now, everybody! Howdy! 305 00:15:59,551 --> 00:16:02,315 Come on. Come on! It's just one little word. 306 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,820 You mean you can't even get together on one little word? 307 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,823 What's the matter here? I don't understand. 308 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,785 You know what to do. Why can't you just do it? 309 00:16:10,896 --> 00:16:13,456 People are dying out there! You gotta stop it! 310 00:16:14,566 --> 00:16:17,330 You can't wait anymore! You can't! 311 00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,670 Now get back to work and don't make me come here again! 312 00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,672 It's okay, fellas. I was just leaving. 313 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:25,572 General, don't forget. Buttermilk, lots of buttermilk. 314 00:16:25,677 --> 00:16:27,668 You know, I feel better already. 315 00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:32,347 The nerve of that Pierce. 316 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,385 His patient... he picks my one day off to play Don Quixote. 317 00:16:35,487 --> 00:16:37,921 I hope they hang him from the highest windmill. 318 00:16:38,023 --> 00:16:42,255 That's right, Charles. We all know he went up there just to inconvenience you. 319 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,294 Well, at least that's a legitimate reason. 320 00:16:44,396 --> 00:16:47,991 Here are more X-rays. Ignore the spot in the lung... it's my thumb. 321 00:16:48,099 --> 00:16:49,999 - Any news of Hawkeye, Father? - No... 322 00:16:50,101 --> 00:16:52,831 but like the prodigal son, I'm sure he'll return. 323 00:16:52,938 --> 00:16:55,498 Must you always spout Scripture, Father? 324 00:16:55,607 --> 00:16:58,269 [Chuckles] Well, I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard. 325 00:16:58,376 --> 00:17:01,834 The whole camp is crowded into Radar's office waiting for news. 326 00:17:01,947 --> 00:17:05,678 - Good Lord. You'd think Lindbergh was landing in Paris. - Let's hope Hawkeye's as lucky. 327 00:17:05,784 --> 00:17:10,244 Gents, we can rest easy. Pierce talked to the delegates, and he's on his way back. 328 00:17:10,355 --> 00:17:13,051 Oh-ho-ho! He did it! I don't believe it! 329 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,854 Seems he spoke his piece and hot-footed it out of there. 330 00:17:15,961 --> 00:17:17,861 Looks like he's home free. 331 00:17:17,963 --> 00:17:20,557 - [Laughs] - Submoronic fruitcake. 332 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,565 Colonel, permission to throw that fruitcake a party. 333 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,761 - The biggest, wildest welcome home ever. - Permission granted. 334 00:17:25,871 --> 00:17:28,567 - The camp may never be the same, Colonel. - I'm counting on it. 335 00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:45,657 Yoo-hoo! I'm home! 336 00:17:45,657 --> 00:17:47,352 Yoo-hoo! I'm home! 337 00:17:49,828 --> 00:17:51,819 Howdy, stranger. New in town? 338 00:17:53,932 --> 00:17:56,264 - Beej, is that you? - How do you like it? 339 00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,268 You think the red socks are too much? 340 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,270 What are you doing? Where is everybody? 341 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:03,205 Waiting for their peace delegate, of course. If you'll follow me... 342 00:18:03,308 --> 00:18:05,208 What's with the Red Skelton look? 343 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,369 What red? It's not red. It's anti-green. 344 00:18:07,479 --> 00:18:10,039 You wanted things rosy and cheery, so we're making you a little present. 345 00:18:10,148 --> 00:18:12,446 - [LoungeJazz] - In your honor, we've designed a new uniform... 346 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:15,678 right down to the hair. 347 00:18:15,787 --> 00:18:18,620 - [Laughing] - He's back! - [Cheering] 348 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,027 - I do dream in color! - [Cheering Continues] 349 00:18:25,130 --> 00:18:27,894 - Ah. Welcome home, son! - [Laughing] 350 00:18:27,999 --> 00:18:30,399 - [Laughter Continues] - Congratulations! 351 00:18:30,502 --> 00:18:32,732 What are you laughing at? This is supposed to cheer you up! 352 00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,738 - I love it! It's... It's insane. - Exactly! 353 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,740 Good heavens! Get the man a drink! 354 00:18:37,842 --> 00:18:39,742 - I'll have the red wine. - Right. 355 00:18:39,844 --> 00:18:42,074 - [Drunkenly] Pierce. Pierce. - Yes? Yes? 356 00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:44,580 - Pierce! Oh, there you are. - Uh-huh. 357 00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:47,914 Pierce, I have never said this about anyone but myself. 358 00:18:48,019 --> 00:18:50,249 You are a great human being. 359 00:18:50,355 --> 00:18:52,255 Careful, Curly. You'll hate yourself in the morning. 360 00:18:52,357 --> 00:18:54,416 - Oh, I do now. - [Laughing] 361 00:18:54,526 --> 00:18:58,087 - Margaret! - Welcome home, you crazy galoot! 362 00:18:58,196 --> 00:19:01,131 I did it! I told them all! You should have seen me. I was terrific. 363 00:19:01,232 --> 00:19:04,531 Hey, listen, about your divorce, if there's anything I can do to help... 364 00:19:04,636 --> 00:19:06,536 Best thing that ever happened to me. 365 00:19:06,638 --> 00:19:08,697 The weight of the world is off my shoulders. 366 00:19:08,807 --> 00:19:13,210 I feel like a new woman! It's all coming back... the spirit, the confidence. 367 00:19:13,311 --> 00:19:16,041 Oh, that's great! That's fantastic. That's just what I wanted to hear. 368 00:19:16,147 --> 00:19:19,548 - I'm proud of you, Margaret. - Oh, my God. I need a drink. 369 00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:22,552 - Here you go, son. - [Laughing] 370 00:19:22,654 --> 00:19:25,214 Boy, you made the bonehead play of all time. 371 00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:29,726 [Laughing] But you sure did something for this motley crew. 372 00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:32,854 Hey, you know, folks, I can't put my finger on just who it is... 373 00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:35,398 but somebody around here looks out of place. 374 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,764 - [Crowd Ohhhing] - Oh, wait! You're not gonna do that to me! 375 00:19:37,869 --> 00:19:39,769 Wait! Wait a minute! Whoa! 376 00:19:39,871 --> 00:19:43,068 - There's no waiting. - I'll look like a tall Irish setter! 377 00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,734 [Laughs] Any last words? 378 00:19:45,844 --> 00:19:48,074 We who are about to dye salute you! 379 00:19:48,179 --> 00:19:50,113 [Cheering] 380 00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:53,310 Stop it right here, Corporal. 381 00:19:53,418 --> 00:19:56,012 - [Engine Stops] - [Distant Cheering] 382 00:19:56,121 --> 00:19:59,750 I'll be a few minutes. You can use the latrine if you want. 383 00:19:59,858 --> 00:20:01,758 Nah. I think I'll hold on. 384 00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,021 Sounds like they're all in there. 385 00:20:04,129 --> 00:20:08,759 [Guffawing] That's the worst-looking dye-job of the bunch.! 386 00:20:08,867 --> 00:20:10,767 What are you talking about? I look great. 387 00:20:10,869 --> 00:20:12,769 - [Laughing] - Rhonda Fleming, eat your heart out. 388 00:20:12,871 --> 00:20:15,101 [Laughter Continues] 389 00:20:17,375 --> 00:20:20,105 - What the hell... - Excuse me? 390 00:20:21,479 --> 00:20:24,607 - Why does everybody got red hair? - Ohh. You noticed. 391 00:20:24,716 --> 00:20:28,277 [Chuckles] It does sort of stand out, doesn't it? 392 00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,286 I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter. 393 00:20:30,388 --> 00:20:33,448 He's over there... the one drinking with both hands. 394 00:20:35,427 --> 00:20:38,123 Colonel Potter, I'm Major Dean Goss, "l" Corps. 395 00:20:38,229 --> 00:20:41,858 Colonel Sherman Potter! Who are you? 396 00:20:41,966 --> 00:20:44,127 My name is Goss..."l" Corps. 397 00:20:44,235 --> 00:20:46,863 I'm here from Panmunjom to see your Captain Pierce. 398 00:20:46,971 --> 00:20:51,465 Oh, you are. I assume this has something to do... 399 00:20:51,576 --> 00:20:56,309 with the earlier incident that took place up there today, uh, earlier. 400 00:20:56,414 --> 00:20:59,076 Yes, it does. Now, where is your Captain Pierce? 401 00:20:59,184 --> 00:21:01,482 - Yeah, he's the one with the red hair. - What are you gonna do with him? 402 00:21:01,586 --> 00:21:03,577 Yeah, he's innocent and you're not taking him no place. 403 00:21:03,688 --> 00:21:05,918 - Margaret. - You stay out of this and shut up. 404 00:21:06,024 --> 00:21:07,582 - [Commotion] - Come on, people. Settle down. 405 00:21:07,692 --> 00:21:09,887 - Look, Major, let me explain... - Quiet, Pierce. 406 00:21:09,994 --> 00:21:12,224 - At least let me explain what happened... - Stand back, son. 407 00:21:12,330 --> 00:21:14,890 You're probably in enough hot water already. 408 00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:18,765 Major, I'll grant you his going up to the peace talks... 409 00:21:18,870 --> 00:21:20,770 wasn't the brightest thing to do... 410 00:21:20,872 --> 00:21:23,363 but it had some damn good results back here. 411 00:21:23,475 --> 00:21:26,273 - You tell him! - All of these people have been in this thing... 412 00:21:26,377 --> 00:21:28,402 for a long, long time. 413 00:21:28,513 --> 00:21:32,415 Doing the kind of work they do day after day with no end in sight... 414 00:21:32,517 --> 00:21:34,417 it has to get to them. 415 00:21:34,519 --> 00:21:38,785 What Pierce did today was let a few people know... 416 00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:41,825 we're tired, and we wanna go home. 417 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,861 - [Group Affirming] - It was a shot in the arm for all of us. 418 00:21:44,963 --> 00:21:47,329 The defense rests. 419 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,332 You people are really something. 420 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:50,924 We sure are. 421 00:21:51,035 --> 00:21:53,595 Actually, Captain Pierce, I didn't come here to haul you away. 422 00:21:53,705 --> 00:21:55,297 Why not? I mean, really? 423 00:21:55,406 --> 00:21:58,398 I came here to deliver a personal message from General Tomlin. 424 00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:00,273 My gastritis patient. 425 00:22:00,378 --> 00:22:03,745 The general would like you to know, for the record... 426 00:22:03,848 --> 00:22:06,749 that if he catches you within 20 miles of Panmunjom... 427 00:22:06,851 --> 00:22:10,981 he will, and I quote, "toss you into the stockade and throw away the key." 428 00:22:11,089 --> 00:22:12,420 [Group Grumbling] 429 00:22:12,524 --> 00:22:16,085 Now, off the record, he wishes he were a crazy doctor... 430 00:22:16,194 --> 00:22:18,253 so he could get away with what you did. 431 00:22:19,564 --> 00:22:21,623 [Scattered Giggles] 432 00:22:21,733 --> 00:22:23,758 One more thing. 433 00:22:23,868 --> 00:22:27,429 The General would like you to write a diet he can follow to get him through these sessions. 434 00:22:27,539 --> 00:22:31,100 - The pressure's killing him. - The best thing I can prescribe is a quick end to the war. 435 00:22:31,209 --> 00:22:34,474 - Pierce. - All right. I'll have something for you before you leave. 436 00:22:34,579 --> 00:22:37,514 Fine. In the meantime, it looks like you're having a little party here. 437 00:22:37,615 --> 00:22:40,106 - Would you care to join us? - Well, I don't know. 438 00:22:40,218 --> 00:22:42,379 Do you think I fit in? 439 00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:44,887 [Laughter] 440 00:22:46,057 --> 00:22:48,992 - [Laughter Continues] - I don't believe it. 441 00:22:49,093 --> 00:22:51,118 - Today, I believe it! - Take one of these. 442 00:22:51,229 --> 00:22:53,197 That's great. Where'd you get that done? 443 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:54,766 [Bugle, played poorly] 444 00:22:54,766 --> 00:22:57,291 [Bugle, played poorly] 445 00:22:57,402 --> 00:22:59,461 [Continues] 446 00:22:59,571 --> 00:23:02,802 - Take roll call, Radar. - Sorry, sir. [Clears Throat] 447 00:23:02,907 --> 00:23:06,570 - Colonel Potter, Sherman! - Radar, I'm here. 448 00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,078 [Clears Throat] Corporal O'Reilly, Walter! 449 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:12,149 - So are you! Get on with it! - Yes, sir. 450 00:23:12,250 --> 00:23:14,377 Major Houlihan-Penobscott, Margaret! 451 00:23:14,485 --> 00:23:16,214 That's just Houlihan. 452 00:23:16,321 --> 00:23:18,221 Oh, I'm sorry. 453 00:23:18,323 --> 00:23:20,723 Uh, Major Winchester, Charles, E.! 454 00:23:20,825 --> 00:23:23,953 Here, obviously. Cretin. 455 00:23:24,062 --> 00:23:26,462 Captain Pierce, Benjamin F.! 456 00:23:28,266 --> 00:23:31,429 - Hey, Hawkeye? - Shh. You'll wake him. 457 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:35,063 Oh. I'm sorry. Captain Hunnicutt, B.J.! 458 00:23:35,173 --> 00:23:37,539 Yo! Oh-ho. Ohh. 459 00:23:37,642 --> 00:23:40,133 Lieutenant Mulcahy, Francis, Father! 460 00:23:40,245 --> 00:23:41,735 In spirit only. 461 00:23:41,846 --> 00:23:43,905 Corporal Klinger, Max! 462 00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:46,540 Here. Always here. 463 00:23:46,651 --> 00:23:48,915 - [Helicopters Whirring] - Corporal... Uh-oh. 464 00:23:50,555 --> 00:23:53,524 All right, people. Here comes the war. 465 00:23:53,625 --> 00:23:56,185 [Engines Starting]