1 00:00:55,648 --> 00:00:59,482 - [Muttering, Chuckling] - [Knocking] 2 00:00:59,585 --> 00:01:02,110 - [Radar] Colonel? - [Chuckling Continues] 3 00:01:02,221 --> 00:01:04,280 Good, I'm glad you're awake. 4 00:01:04,390 --> 00:01:06,358 Sir, I hate to interrupt you... 5 00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:08,427 while you're in a good mood, but... 6 00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,223 - Colonel? Ohh! - [Shouting] Oh! What the... 7 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:13,560 - Ohh, Radar! - Sir, I'm sorry. 8 00:01:13,666 --> 00:01:17,363 - I thought you were awake. I heard you laughing. - Laughing? 9 00:01:17,470 --> 00:01:19,438 Oh, yeah. Heh! 10 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:23,975 I dreamt I came home from the war, and there... there was Mildred... 11 00:01:24,076 --> 00:01:26,636 wearing Hunnicutt's mustache. 12 00:01:26,746 --> 00:01:29,806 - Why would you be laughing? - Because it tickled. 13 00:01:29,916 --> 00:01:32,282 Is this important, or are you just going around waking people? 14 00:01:32,385 --> 00:01:34,649 No, there's a phone call. It's "l" Corps. General Imbrie. 15 00:01:34,754 --> 00:01:38,520 Bill Imbrie? What's that old windbag doin' in-country? 16 00:01:38,624 --> 00:01:41,821 - I don't know. You could always ask the old windbag. - Zip it, sonny. 17 00:01:41,928 --> 00:01:44,192 Right. 18 00:01:44,297 --> 00:01:46,595 Maybe if Mildred waxed it. 19 00:01:47,633 --> 00:01:50,363 [Wheezing] 20 00:01:51,404 --> 00:01:53,565 [Coughing, Snorting] 21 00:01:56,108 --> 00:01:58,076 [Mutters] Oh, dear. 22 00:01:59,645 --> 00:02:02,705 [Groans] If only I could breathe. 23 00:02:02,815 --> 00:02:05,443 Oh, if only I could sleep. 24 00:02:05,551 --> 00:02:09,043 Why should you rest when my sinuses are pounding out the "Anvil Chorus"? 25 00:02:09,155 --> 00:02:12,147 Charles, you're blowing a good night's sleep for us all. 26 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:15,386 Drip, drip, drip. 27 00:02:15,494 --> 00:02:17,962 This is making a shambles of my throat. 28 00:02:18,064 --> 00:02:21,090 - [Clattering] - Now what? 29 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,294 - [Gargling] - Oh, good. He's drowning. 30 00:02:24,403 --> 00:02:26,530 Evening, boys. 31 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:30,040 Same to you, Winchester. You're just the man I want to see. 32 00:02:30,142 --> 00:02:33,475 - Can you see him outside? - You'll want to hear this too. 33 00:02:33,579 --> 00:02:38,642 There's been a big shake-up at "l" Corps. General Imbrie has replaced General Hammond... 34 00:02:38,751 --> 00:02:43,085 and Imbrie wants a powwow with all the major officers in his command tomorrow. 35 00:02:43,189 --> 00:02:46,818 That's fascinating, Colonel, especially at this hour of the night. 36 00:02:46,926 --> 00:02:51,158 What makes you think I could find this of the remotest possible interest? 37 00:02:51,263 --> 00:02:53,629 Just this, Senor Hoity-toity. 38 00:02:53,733 --> 00:02:59,296 As of 0600, I will be en route to Seoul, and you will be interim commander of this post. 39 00:02:59,405 --> 00:03:02,806 - Congratulations. - Charles in command? 40 00:03:02,908 --> 00:03:05,809 That's like giving Captain Bligh his own fleet. 41 00:03:05,911 --> 00:03:08,903 Colonel, I'm touched that you thought of me, but it's out of the question. 42 00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:11,142 It wasn't an offer; it was an order. 43 00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:13,912 And under ordinary circumstances I would be happy to comply... 44 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:16,648 but my sinuses are clogged, and they're ready to burst. 45 00:03:16,756 --> 00:03:19,281 - Here. Feel that. Feel that right there. Feel... - Ehh! Major! 46 00:03:19,392 --> 00:03:22,020 We don't know each other that well. 47 00:03:22,128 --> 00:03:25,029 All right, Winchester. You're off the hook. 48 00:03:25,131 --> 00:03:28,225 - Pierce, you're temporary C.O. - I'm who? 49 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:32,668 - There goes the war. - Oh, no! No, you don't! I'm unfit for command. 50 00:03:32,772 --> 00:03:35,070 - You have a cold? Hangnail? Warts? - And scurvy. 51 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:37,142 - You're still it. - What about B.J.? 52 00:03:37,243 --> 00:03:39,211 - I don't want it. - That's good enough for me. 53 00:03:39,311 --> 00:03:41,506 - What? - You've got seniority, Pierce. 54 00:03:41,614 --> 00:03:44,981 But I'm a coward. My insignia is a cringing chicken. 55 00:03:45,084 --> 00:03:49,544 - I don't know how to give orders. - That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em. 56 00:03:49,655 --> 00:03:53,614 Don't worry. Radar knows the routine. 57 00:03:53,726 --> 00:03:55,921 - Colonel, how long will you be gone? - No idea. 58 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,155 I've seen these things take an hour or three days. 59 00:03:58,264 --> 00:04:01,256 - We'll leave a marker where the camp was. - Get some sleep, Commander. 60 00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:04,530 0600 gets here early. Night, boys. 61 00:04:04,637 --> 00:04:08,733 - [Hacking] - Courage, Camille. 62 00:04:08,841 --> 00:04:11,435 - Hawk, I'm truly happy for you. - So am I. 63 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:14,672 It's like one of those westerns where the town drunk becomes sheriff. 64 00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:17,840 All right, here's my first command. You, bubble-cheeks. 65 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:21,852 Get your steam room and your gargle out of here and into post-op on the double! 66 00:04:21,954 --> 00:04:24,479 - I will not. - You will for your commander! 67 00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:27,286 Ten-hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! 68 00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:30,419 - I will to get away from my commander. - Good! Left, left! Right, right! 69 00:04:30,529 --> 00:04:34,625 Left, left! Right, right! Well, that wasn't so bad. 70 00:04:36,635 --> 00:04:38,535 [Whistling] 71 00:04:38,637 --> 00:04:41,367 - [Groans] - Ah, welcome to your new job, sir. 72 00:04:41,474 --> 00:04:46,002 Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise. Who wants to live at 6:00 in the morning? 73 00:04:46,112 --> 00:04:49,309 - Hey, Hawkeye, you're not even dressed. - I have my bars on, don't I? 74 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,440 I know, but it doesn't look good... you know, for the guys. 75 00:04:51,550 --> 00:04:55,611 - From now on, I want the middle of this desk kept clear. - Hey! 76 00:04:55,721 --> 00:04:59,817 Don't disturb me until lunch. Lunch is disturbing enough. 77 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:03,588 How am I doing so far? Thank you. 78 00:05:03,696 --> 00:05:06,961 Come on. Will you please be serious once? We've got work to do here. 79 00:05:07,066 --> 00:05:09,933 All right. The first order of the day is a drink. 80 00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:12,868 - Where's the key? - With the colonel, I'm happy to say. 81 00:05:12,972 --> 00:05:15,702 Potter took the key? He doesn't trust me? 82 00:05:15,808 --> 00:05:17,901 Well, if you were him and he was you, would you? 83 00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:20,444 That's catchy. Set that to music right away. 84 00:05:20,546 --> 00:05:22,946 Radar, cut an order. 85 00:05:23,048 --> 00:05:25,915 "Cut an order." That's pretty good. 86 00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:30,955 - The Officers Club bar will remain open daily from 0500. - 0500. 87 00:05:31,056 --> 00:05:33,183 And it will never close. 88 00:05:34,827 --> 00:05:37,819 - Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir. - Who ordered you? 89 00:05:37,930 --> 00:05:40,831 My sense of duty, sir. A soldier's intuition that his new commandant... 90 00:05:40,933 --> 00:05:43,766 - would like to know how that soldier feels about him. - Oh, boy. 91 00:05:43,869 --> 00:05:45,996 And I feel just great, sir... 92 00:05:46,105 --> 00:05:49,233 knowing at last there's somebody behind this desk who understands. 93 00:05:49,341 --> 00:05:52,242 - Klinger... - Have I told you lately how splendid you're looking, sir? 94 00:05:52,344 --> 00:05:55,074 Did I say splendid? Handsome is the word. 95 00:05:55,181 --> 00:05:58,912 - Oh, boy, you could cut it with a fork. - Oh, you were built for command. 96 00:05:59,018 --> 00:06:03,216 Those shoulders, broad enough for four stars. That height. Commanders should be tall. 97 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:07,122 - Look down on his men. - Napoleon didn't do so bad. 98 00:06:07,226 --> 00:06:10,559 Klinger, I'm afraid it is not within my purview to grant you a discharge. 99 00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:13,757 I know that, sir. But you do have the authority. 100 00:06:13,866 --> 00:06:16,027 Let me put it another way: I'm not allowed. 101 00:06:16,135 --> 00:06:21,334 Good try though. It shows initiative, persistence and a total grasp of unreality. 102 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,601 - Does this mean you won't? - In spades. 103 00:06:23,709 --> 00:06:28,043 I should've known. The higher the brass, the lower the class. 104 00:06:28,147 --> 00:06:31,548 Sorry, sir. That's just the way I see it. I look forward to your demotion, sir. 105 00:06:31,650 --> 00:06:33,584 That makes two of us. 106 00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:36,246 My door is always closed. 107 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,619 Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir? 108 00:06:38,724 --> 00:06:41,158 You know what's wrong with this job? I'm too accessible. 109 00:06:41,260 --> 00:06:44,388 From now on, I want a 24-hour palace guard outside these doors. 110 00:06:44,496 --> 00:06:46,623 Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir? 111 00:06:46,732 --> 00:06:49,701 Also, I want a peasant costume so I can slip in amongst my subjects... 112 00:06:49,802 --> 00:06:52,771 - and find out what they're saying about me. - Hawkeye, you gotta sign this! 113 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,998 - You sign it. - That's forgery! 114 00:06:55,107 --> 00:06:57,166 Well, forge ahead, Corporal. Good night. 115 00:06:57,276 --> 00:07:00,473 Margaret, I'm out of water. 116 00:07:00,579 --> 00:07:02,479 - And you want me to get you some. - Please? 117 00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:05,015 Forget it. There are real patients here with real problems. 118 00:07:05,117 --> 00:07:07,085 They're wounded. I'm sick. 119 00:07:07,186 --> 00:07:10,519 I'll be by later with a fresh pacifier. 120 00:07:10,623 --> 00:07:14,582 Webster, Webster. Oh, yes. I loved your book... 121 00:07:14,693 --> 00:07:17,184 especially the chase scene where "L" was following "K." 122 00:07:17,296 --> 00:07:21,255 You're doing just fine... so fine that you won't need this drain anymore. 123 00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:23,767 You're gonna take it out? Here? Now? 124 00:07:23,869 --> 00:07:25,962 And it won't hurt a bit. 125 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:29,438 Doc, could you give me something? I don't want to see. 126 00:07:29,541 --> 00:07:32,374 - Too late. It's already out. - Oh, really? 127 00:07:32,478 --> 00:07:34,673 Good. Boy, was I scared. 128 00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:38,181 - Now I just have to take out a couple of stitches. - Oh, no. 129 00:07:38,284 --> 00:07:40,775 - Klinger. More water. - I'm a little busy, Major. 130 00:07:40,886 --> 00:07:45,687 - Now, you insubordinate desert riff. - Riff? 131 00:07:45,791 --> 00:07:50,319 With all due respect, sir, may a pregnant camel give birth in your bunk. 132 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:54,126 Levantine thug! [Wheezing] 133 00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:56,701 - Doc... - Whoa. Take it easy, Webster. I'll be finished in a second. 134 00:07:56,802 --> 00:07:59,202 Will someone please bring me some water? 135 00:07:59,305 --> 00:08:02,240 Klinger, get that wheelchair over here and roll him out of here. 136 00:08:02,341 --> 00:08:05,105 Your command is my wish, 0 Temporary King of the Hill. 137 00:08:05,210 --> 00:08:07,644 Come, second banana. Into the chair. 138 00:08:07,746 --> 00:08:11,580 Pierce, you order me in, you order me out. 139 00:08:11,684 --> 00:08:13,982 [Wheezes] Make up your mind. Where do you want me? 140 00:08:14,086 --> 00:08:16,054 Black Hole of Calcutta and step on it. 141 00:08:16,155 --> 00:08:18,282 My flag is down, sir. 142 00:08:19,558 --> 00:08:21,458 Despot! 143 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,960 - Excuse me, sir, I hate to bother you... - Then don't. 144 00:08:24,063 --> 00:08:26,258 Uh, just-just, easy now. I'm almost there. 145 00:08:26,365 --> 00:08:29,129 Sir, you haven't done your status reports. Every morning you gotta fill out... 146 00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:32,032 - your DD-5 and your DD-5-As. - I DD-do? 147 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,765 Unless you fill out your DD-5-As from the day before. 148 00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,364 Radar, put all that garbage on my desk. I'll ignore it later. 149 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:42,413 - The pile on your desk is almost as high as me. - Well, how bad can that be? 150 00:08:43,782 --> 00:08:47,513 - Uh, Hawkeye? - Whoever said it was lonely at the top? 151 00:08:47,619 --> 00:08:50,179 - All right, Father. What's your problem? - Uh, well, uh... 152 00:08:50,289 --> 00:08:53,690 The fact of the matter is... You see, uh... You look busy. 153 00:08:53,792 --> 00:08:56,590 - I am! What do you want? - I don't want to sound critical. 154 00:08:56,695 --> 00:08:58,856 I mean, after all, you are new at the job. 155 00:08:58,964 --> 00:09:01,592 Still, it is turning colder, and we do need them. 156 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:04,760 - And now seems as good a time as any to... - Need what? 157 00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:07,634 Blankets. We're low on blankets. 158 00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:10,868 Every time we send a man back to Seoul, he goes in a blanket. 159 00:09:10,976 --> 00:09:14,537 Sure. They send the soldiers back here, but never the blankets. 160 00:09:14,646 --> 00:09:16,944 - Eh. - All right, Father. I'll get right to it. 161 00:09:17,049 --> 00:09:19,483 The temperature's supposed to drop down 20 degrees tonight. 162 00:09:19,585 --> 00:09:23,521 - Okay, okay. - Remember, my son, patience is a virtue. 163 00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:27,718 - And you're taxing my virtue. - But you will get right on it, won't you? 164 00:09:27,826 --> 00:09:30,795 [Hawkeye] Are you telling me I don't get the blankets... 165 00:09:30,896 --> 00:09:33,262 until I fill out the requisitions? 166 00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:36,027 Look, Major, we're pretty cold up here. 167 00:09:36,135 --> 00:09:38,228 I'll fill 'em out right away. 168 00:09:38,337 --> 00:09:40,328 Plus what else? 169 00:09:40,439 --> 00:09:42,634 Oh, yeah. The DD-5-Ds. 170 00:09:42,741 --> 00:09:45,266 - Center pile. - Right. Those are in the mail. 171 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,971 Hey, you can't lie to "l" Corps! 172 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:52,346 Now, what about those blankets? Look, I'm the commanding officer here... 173 00:09:52,451 --> 00:09:57,115 and I'm not sending anything else out until I see those blankets, and that's final! 174 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,884 All right! Don't yell! You'll get your requisitions. 175 00:09:59,992 --> 00:10:03,860 Let's not get into a snit. You'll drive yourself into a perfect tizzy. 176 00:10:03,962 --> 00:10:06,157 Bye. 177 00:10:06,265 --> 00:10:09,666 I tell ya... if I weren't the boss here, I would've told that guy off. 178 00:10:09,768 --> 00:10:11,827 Welcome to the trenches, sir. 179 00:10:11,937 --> 00:10:14,303 This wouldn't have happened if you'd handed me these things... 180 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,306 instead of piling them on my desk. 181 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:19,241 - You told me to pile them on your desk! - Well, don't listen to me. 182 00:10:19,344 --> 00:10:22,108 Boy, I hate breaking in a new man! 183 00:10:26,185 --> 00:10:28,176 - Howdy, chief. - Whatever you want, you got it. 184 00:10:28,287 --> 00:10:31,586 - Just allow three days for paperwork. - I just wanted to say hello. 185 00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:34,557 - In that case, two days. - In your honor, sir. A new delicacy... 186 00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:39,620 - chicken à la commandant. - With all the temporary power vested in me, no discharge. 187 00:10:39,731 --> 00:10:43,827 Before you say no, sir, please, try the commandant sauce... dress green. 188 00:10:45,504 --> 00:10:47,472 Kellye, I gotta get off tonight. 189 00:10:47,573 --> 00:10:50,701 - Take my late duty and then I'll take yours tomorrow night. - Yeah, sure, no problem. 190 00:10:50,809 --> 00:10:54,176 Baker, you can't trade shifts for tomorrow night. You've already got a shift... mine. 191 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,247 I worked yours last Thursday. 192 00:10:56,348 --> 00:10:59,681 [Overlapping Chatter] 193 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:03,243 - No, it doesn't! You said you would work mine... - Nurses, what's the problem here? 194 00:11:03,355 --> 00:11:05,721 [Chattering Continues] 195 00:11:05,824 --> 00:11:08,952 All right, all right. At ease. I'll settle this right now. 196 00:11:09,061 --> 00:11:11,621 As of now, there'll be no more trading off of shifts. 197 00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:15,632 - The duty roster is the final word. - [Chattering] 198 00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,703 - The final word! - Hello, I'm your commanding officer, and I must warn you... 199 00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:22,433 if this arguing keeps up, you'll all be confined to my quarters one at a time. 200 00:11:22,541 --> 00:11:26,773 Excuse me, Commander. These are my nurses, and I'll handle the situation. 201 00:11:26,879 --> 00:11:29,848 I know, Margaret, but there's an easy way to solve this. I don't want to butt in... 202 00:11:29,948 --> 00:11:32,314 - But he can't resist. - You've gotta compromise. 203 00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,510 Baker and Bigelow, take a half night off each. 204 00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:37,885 Kellye, you work a third of a shift, Baker a third, Bigelow a third. 205 00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:41,426 Then tomorrow you reverse the whole thing. There. Can I rise to an occasion? 206 00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:45,224 - That's the dumbest schedule I ever heard. - [Chattering] 207 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,855 [Man On p.A.] Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded. 208 00:11:47,966 --> 00:11:51,902 - Choppers and ambulances loaded. - That settles it. You're all on duty. 209 00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:56,307 Plasma stat. Type and cross match for two units of whole blood. 210 00:11:56,408 --> 00:11:59,206 - Can you get a full casualty count? - I'll get a full casualty count. 211 00:11:59,311 --> 00:12:01,609 - Radar, please. Don't talk while I talk. - Okay. 212 00:12:01,713 --> 00:12:04,273 - I gotcha. I'll do exactly what you say. - Just do what I ask, okay? 213 00:12:04,383 --> 00:12:07,318 That's better. How you doing? 214 00:12:07,419 --> 00:12:09,512 You wouldn't happen to be carrying around an extra surgeon, would you? 215 00:12:09,621 --> 00:12:12,988 Sorry. He's in my other jacket. Margaret, how 'bout one of your nurses over here? 216 00:12:13,091 --> 00:12:15,116 Oh, now they're my nurses. 217 00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:17,661 Always ready with the wisecracks, aren't you? 218 00:12:17,763 --> 00:12:21,529 - Charles, move it, will ya? - Pierce, please. I'm going through hell. 219 00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:24,966 Well, go through a little faster. Radar, what about those blankets? 220 00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:27,538 I mailed the requisitions. They'll probably be here tomorrow. 221 00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:30,836 - Tomorrow? What's wrong with today? - These things take time. 222 00:12:30,943 --> 00:12:35,277 - Tell that to these guys who are out here freezing. - I feel bad about it too, sir. 223 00:12:37,349 --> 00:12:40,614 - Hawk, go easy on the kid. He's on your side. - Yeah, I know. 224 00:12:40,752 --> 00:12:43,346 - Sponge. [Groans] - Sponge. 225 00:12:43,455 --> 00:12:45,719 - Clamp. [Snorts] - Clamp. 226 00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:48,725 - Hanky. - [Sneezes] 227 00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:53,093 - Blow and wipe. - Hunnicutt, I have met a lot of people in my life. 228 00:12:53,198 --> 00:12:56,964 - You are not among them. [Sneezes] - Bless you anyway, creep. 229 00:12:57,069 --> 00:13:00,835 - I think the expression is "God bless you, creep." - Amen, Father. 230 00:13:00,939 --> 00:13:02,998 Can we hold it down, please? 231 00:13:03,108 --> 00:13:07,374 How can I be expected to drain these miserable sinuses if they keep sending me more wounded? 232 00:13:07,479 --> 00:13:09,606 I wouldn't take it, Charles. Send them back. 233 00:13:09,715 --> 00:13:11,842 Why doesn't somebody tie off his tongue? 234 00:13:11,950 --> 00:13:14,077 - Why doesn't somebody stand on yours? - Clamp. 235 00:13:14,186 --> 00:13:16,677 - Clamp. - For your mouth. 236 00:13:16,788 --> 00:13:18,949 - Will you dry up? - I would love to. 237 00:13:19,057 --> 00:13:22,652 - Will you all shut up? - Ah, another county heard from. 238 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,025 Can we be serious? I want it quiet in here. 239 00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:27,963 - All right. Knock off the loud bleeding. - Come on, Hunnicutt. 240 00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:31,160 I got enough to worry about with a room full of wounded and a camp full of headaches. 241 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,533 Not to mention a couple of c.c. S of self-pity. 242 00:13:33,639 --> 00:13:37,166 - Look, if you think it's so easy, you do it. - Why? You're doing so well. 243 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:41,803 At least I'm trying. Meantime, you stay in the backseat where you belong. 244 00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:44,643 [All] Whoa-ho-ho! 245 00:13:51,690 --> 00:13:54,181 [Phone Ringing] 246 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,760 I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin'. 247 00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:05,567 Yeah, what? No, I mean, 4077 th MASH. 248 00:14:05,671 --> 00:14:10,267 No, Colonel Potter's not... Colonel, is that you? 249 00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:13,178 Oh, what are you doing up so late, sir? Is it an officers' conference? 250 00:14:13,178 --> 00:14:14,145 Oh, what are you doing up so late, sir? Is it an officers' conference? 251 00:14:14,246 --> 00:14:19,149 Well, General Imbrie runs a tight ship, so we're all pretty tight. 252 00:14:19,251 --> 00:14:23,210 - How are things at home? - Fine. Mom's gonna enter her cucumbers in the county fair... 253 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,222 and Uncle Ed's one of the judges so she might win. [Laughs] 254 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:31,887 No, Radar. Home where you are at the 4-0 double natural. 255 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:34,989 - How-How are things? - Oh, uh, great. 256 00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:38,297 Fine. Pretty good. When you coming back, sir? 257 00:14:38,403 --> 00:14:41,861 Oh, any time now. How's, uh... How's Hawkeye doin'? 258 00:14:41,973 --> 00:14:45,932 Uh... Uh, he's trying real hard. When did you say you're coming back? 259 00:14:46,044 --> 00:14:49,707 I don't know. We been listening to Imbrie for two days... 260 00:14:49,815 --> 00:14:53,717 and, uh, all he's done so far is-is clear his throat. 261 00:14:53,819 --> 00:14:57,721 Well, hurry. Everybody misses you. They keep saying, "When's Colonel Potter coming back?" 262 00:14:57,823 --> 00:15:00,291 Well, give my best to everybody. 263 00:15:00,392 --> 00:15:02,826 I'll talk t... talk to you tomorrow. 264 00:15:02,928 --> 00:15:04,987 Good night, son. 265 00:15:05,097 --> 00:15:07,065 [Laughter] 266 00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:13,635 Nah. I think I'll sleep here. 267 00:15:13,739 --> 00:15:16,503 [Man] Attention. Ajeep with single patient... 268 00:15:16,608 --> 00:15:19,202 wants to meet single doctor on the double. 269 00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:23,742 - Is it bad? Is it bad? - Easy, pal, easy. 270 00:15:23,849 --> 00:15:26,784 No, it's not too bad. I can get those shell fragments out with eyebrow tweezers. 271 00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,853 - I'll take it, sir. - How'd it happen? 272 00:15:28,954 --> 00:15:32,481 Mortar. I was helping my buddy at the battalion aid station. 273 00:15:32,591 --> 00:15:36,027 - Direct hit. Got us both. It killed the aid surgeon. - Geez, what about your buddy? 274 00:15:36,128 --> 00:15:40,360 I think he's hurt worse than I am. But I was the one bleeding, so they shipped me. 275 00:15:40,465 --> 00:15:44,458 - What makes you think your buddy's hurt so bad? - Well, he's not cut or nothin'... 276 00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,299 - but he's sweatin' and looks gray, ya know? - Stomach hurt? 277 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,568 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I touched it and he screamed. But they thought he was fakin'. 278 00:15:50,675 --> 00:15:53,269 - Fakin', huh? Radar, get him inside. I'm goin' back up there. - Yeah. 279 00:15:53,378 --> 00:15:56,677 Wait a minute! Don't you think you'd better tell Captain Pierce where you're going? 280 00:15:56,782 --> 00:15:58,773 You tell him. I can't get an appointment. 281 00:15:58,884 --> 00:16:01,216 Hey, wait a minute.! That's not S.O. P...! 282 00:16:01,319 --> 00:16:04,618 - This the man who just came in? - Yes, sir. This is Corporal Hough. 283 00:16:04,723 --> 00:16:08,090 - Hi, Doc. - Hi. All right, get B.J. On him right away. Tell him to hurry. 284 00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:11,856 I just got a call. There's a lot more casualties coming in. We're gonna be very busy very soon. 285 00:16:11,963 --> 00:16:15,558 - Uh, sir? Excuse me, but about Captain Hunnicutt. - Yeah, what about him? 286 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:20,127 Don't yell, but you know that jeep that just come in? It just went out again with B.J. In it. 287 00:16:20,238 --> 00:16:22,206 - Why? - Well, he went after his buddy. 288 00:16:22,307 --> 00:16:25,276 He's hurt real bad and they left him at the aid station, so he went to get him. 289 00:16:25,377 --> 00:16:27,641 Well, what does he think we get in here, shaving nicks? 290 00:16:27,746 --> 00:16:30,044 Look, he didn't know we had more casualties coming in. 291 00:16:30,148 --> 00:16:33,311 Well, he would have if he'd checked with me first. This is great. 292 00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:36,717 Fantastic. Potter's not here, B.J.'s not here... 293 00:16:36,822 --> 00:16:39,086 Charles has never been here, and I'm left holding the bag. 294 00:16:39,191 --> 00:16:41,091 Nothing personal. 295 00:16:41,193 --> 00:16:44,856 [Man On p.A.] Attention, all personnel. Choppers incoming. 296 00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,558 Remember, you heard it here first. 297 00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:51,727 Superficial. He can wait. Margaret, I'm gonna scrub. 298 00:16:51,837 --> 00:16:54,362 - You finish out here. - This one has a bad chest wound. He's shocky. 299 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:56,440 - He better go in now. - No, he can't. 300 00:16:56,541 --> 00:16:59,009 - I got two that are worse off, and Charles is already working. - All right. 301 00:16:59,110 --> 00:17:02,079 I'll start him on whole blood and try to get him stabilized. 302 00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:04,239 We'll manage till you're ready. Come on, Corpsman! 303 00:17:04,349 --> 00:17:06,647 - You know you're beautiful when you're overworked? - Hey, Hawkeye... 304 00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:08,878 - Colonel Potter's on the phone for you. - Tell him I'm busy. 305 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:13,219 - But I brought him all the way out here for you. - Hello! Colonel Potter, it's you. 306 00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:16,021 It's been so long I didn't recognize your voice. There's a litter over there. 307 00:17:16,127 --> 00:17:19,790 Get him into pre-op right away. How's everything in Seoul? Having fun? 308 00:17:19,898 --> 00:17:22,162 - Captain Pierce! - Yeah, I'll be right there. 309 00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:26,169 I gotta run, but I just want to say I'm thrilled with the hustle and bustle of command. 310 00:17:26,271 --> 00:17:29,365 The thousand details that clog my days and waste my nights. 311 00:17:29,474 --> 00:17:32,409 - And time permitting, I even tend to a few wounded. - Captain Pierce! 312 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:35,968 Gotta run. Been nice chatting with you. Why don't you drop in if you're in the neighborhood? 313 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:43,112 I gotta get back home. 314 00:17:43,221 --> 00:17:48,523 Gentlemen, tell the general we should do this again sometime after the war. 315 00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:57,928 Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well. 316 00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,163 We were great for half a staff. 317 00:18:01,439 --> 00:18:04,169 Damn that Hunnicutt. Where is he? 318 00:18:04,276 --> 00:18:06,676 Technically he's AWOL, ya know? I could throw the book at him. 319 00:18:06,778 --> 00:18:10,043 I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army? 320 00:18:10,148 --> 00:18:15,347 - Since it was left to me. - If only Frank Burns could see you now. 321 00:18:15,453 --> 00:18:18,581 It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it? 322 00:18:18,690 --> 00:18:21,022 - You finished, Major? - Just one more thing. 323 00:18:21,126 --> 00:18:26,621 - Permission to say, "It serves you right, sir." - Permission denied. Dismissed. 324 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:29,598 Easy with him. If the ride didn't kill him, he's still got a chance. 325 00:18:29,701 --> 00:18:31,669 - Prep him fast. - How is he? 326 00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:33,738 - Severe internal bleeding. - Are you okay? 327 00:18:33,838 --> 00:18:35,965 - Yeah. - Good. Now, what the hell were you doing? 328 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:38,599 - You think you can just waltz out of here anytime you want? - Not now, Hawk. 329 00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:41,508 Don't give me "not now." While you were driving around playing hero... 330 00:18:41,613 --> 00:18:44,377 we were trying to patch together a whole platoon with only two doctors. 331 00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:47,474 Hey, I wasn't joy riding. When I go up to an aid station, it's because I'm needed. 332 00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:49,644 You should've checked with me first. What you did was wrong. 333 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,086 I did exactly what Captain Pierce would have done. 334 00:18:52,190 --> 00:18:55,523 I don't know about Commander Pierce. I don't even know Commander Pierce... 335 00:18:55,627 --> 00:18:58,061 and I'm not sure I want to. 336 00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,531 [Door Opens] 337 00:19:11,076 --> 00:19:14,170 So that's how I look behind that desk. Yuck. 338 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:17,077 Ah, returning to the scene of the crime. 339 00:19:17,182 --> 00:19:19,707 I hereby give back your command, sir. 340 00:19:19,818 --> 00:19:22,946 If you're interested, I've prepared a detailed report on what you can do with it. 341 00:19:23,054 --> 00:19:25,181 I'll wait till the movie comes out. 342 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:29,727 Have a good time with the boys in Seoul? Lots of parties? Generals jumping out of cakes? 343 00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:33,025 Well, while you were out gallivanting, I was cooped up here with the children. 344 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:37,761 The young clerk with the paper fetish. The Lebanese Machiavelli in a garter belt. 345 00:19:37,869 --> 00:19:40,895 Not to mention my roomie, who can't just wait for business to come in. 346 00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:43,873 - He's gotta go out and find it. - They are a pesky bunch, aren't they? 347 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:46,341 If you let these people have dessert tonight, you're crazy. 348 00:19:46,444 --> 00:19:48,844 - Can we water down that temper tantrum? - I don't want to. 349 00:19:48,947 --> 00:19:52,212 - I like being mad. - But you're not in charge anymore. I am. 350 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:55,582 And that's another thing! You could have at least left me the key to the liquor cabinet. 351 00:19:55,687 --> 00:19:59,054 Are you kidding? Look what you're like sober. 352 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:03,526 - To a job well done. - Don't try to make up to me. 353 00:20:03,628 --> 00:20:05,755 - [Glass Taps Table] - Want another? 354 00:20:05,864 --> 00:20:10,699 - I've wanted another for days. - Down this one. We'll take the bottle with us. 355 00:20:10,802 --> 00:20:14,260 - Where? - To your place. Hunnicutt could probably use a belt. 356 00:20:14,372 --> 00:20:16,932 No, thank you! One thing I've learned on this job: 357 00:20:17,042 --> 00:20:20,307 Never fraternize with your subordinates. It leads to insubordination. 358 00:20:20,412 --> 00:20:22,539 Will you relax? You're gonna throw a shoe. 359 00:20:22,647 --> 00:20:26,276 - You don't know what's been going on here! - Oh, don't I? 360 00:20:26,384 --> 00:20:30,320 - Come on. To the 4077 th. - They're all yours. 361 00:20:30,422 --> 00:20:33,118 - Hi, Hunnicutt. I'm home. - Colonel, come on in. 362 00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:35,192 - Brought you a snort. - Hey, thanks. 363 00:20:35,293 --> 00:20:38,888 - A little change from Uncle Ben's perverted rice juice. - Hm! 364 00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:42,663 You two do know each other, don't you? 365 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,861 - Yeah, we've met, yeah. - Oh, yeah. Colonel, I'm glad you're back. 366 00:20:45,970 --> 00:20:49,371 - I can't tell you how glad I am you're back. - What's that supposed to mean? 367 00:20:49,474 --> 00:20:52,375 - It means I'm glad he's back. - Down the hatch. 368 00:20:54,345 --> 00:20:57,576 You just won't admit that going out there without telling me was the wrong thing to do. 369 00:20:57,682 --> 00:21:01,311 I did what I thought was right. You're only angry because somebody else made a decision. 370 00:21:01,419 --> 00:21:04,582 - It's my job to make the decisions. - Was your job. 371 00:21:04,689 --> 00:21:10,093 - Up the rebels! - I think the real reason you did it was to spite me. 372 00:21:10,195 --> 00:21:14,359 Spite you? I don't believe this. How do you get your head through doorways with that ego? 373 00:21:14,466 --> 00:21:16,593 You just won't admit you couldn't handle it. 374 00:21:16,701 --> 00:21:18,259 You see what I've been putting up with? 375 00:21:18,369 --> 00:21:20,837 Do you have any idea what he's been like the last couple of days? 376 00:21:20,939 --> 00:21:23,965 - Genghis Khan was bigger laughs. - In your eye! 377 00:21:25,944 --> 00:21:28,777 Considering what I had to work with, I think I did a damn good job. 378 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,848 - Well, that makes one of you. - Oh, yeah? 379 00:21:30,949 --> 00:21:33,941 - If you weren't so busy trying to undermine my authority... - [Sarcastic Laugh] 380 00:21:34,052 --> 00:21:37,453 Why aren't you helping me? You should be right in the middle of this. You're the commander. 381 00:21:37,555 --> 00:21:40,285 And I'm acting like one, staying out of it till I'm needed. 382 00:21:40,391 --> 00:21:44,851 It's all in the timing, son. There's a time to step in and a time to back off. 383 00:21:44,963 --> 00:21:47,557 Pull the reins too tight and the horse'll buck. 384 00:21:47,665 --> 00:21:52,762 You had good people under you. You should've let 'em go through their paces. 385 00:21:52,871 --> 00:21:56,807 You know, this is pretty good. Someone should be writing this down. 386 00:21:56,908 --> 00:21:58,876 To my golden tongue! 387 00:22:01,346 --> 00:22:05,544 - Okay, okay. Let's say I overreacted... a little. - Let's say a lot. 388 00:22:05,650 --> 00:22:07,845 - Amen. - And you. - Yeah! 389 00:22:07,952 --> 00:22:12,889 You're lucky you didn't run off when I was here, or your fanny'd be hanging from the flagpole. 390 00:22:14,425 --> 00:22:17,656 Well, don't sit there like a couple of moon calves. 391 00:22:17,762 --> 00:22:20,424 Drink up and shake hands already. 392 00:22:21,666 --> 00:22:23,634 That's an order, boys. 393 00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:32,839 Do you know how ridiculous you two look? 394 00:22:34,078 --> 00:22:36,046 You wanna make nice? 395 00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:42,747 - [Laughs] - Well, next time I'll know what to do. 396 00:22:42,854 --> 00:22:45,379 - Hopefully there won't be a next time. - What's that supposed to mean? 397 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:48,687 - Oh, no. - Oh, come on. Will you get off it? 398 00:22:48,793 --> 00:22:52,388 - No, no, no, no, no. You meant something by that. What was it? - [Mutters] 399 00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:56,160 - Come on. What was it? - Nothing! For cryin' out loud! You are really a pip. 400 00:22:56,267 --> 00:22:59,668 - You know that? - All that good whiskey shot to hell. 401 00:22:59,771 --> 00:23:01,739 - I'm a pip? - You are a pip. 402 00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:04,000 Because I don't want you to talk to me like... 403 00:23:04,108 --> 00:23:07,305 - Generalissimo Benjamin Franklin Pierce is what you... - Just a minute! 404 00:23:10,248 --> 00:23:12,182 I'm sorry about all these forms, sir... 405 00:23:12,283 --> 00:23:14,911 - but Captain Pierce got us about two days behind. - Don't hold a grudge, Radar. 406 00:23:15,019 --> 00:23:18,921 Colonel, we have to do something about the shower schedule. The men are always booked in first. 407 00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:21,321 By the time my nurses get in, there isn't any hot water. 408 00:23:21,426 --> 00:23:25,260 Besides, they leave the place a shambles. Are you listening to me? 409 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:28,355 Your nurses are taking cold showers, and the men are leaving the place a mess. 410 00:23:28,466 --> 00:23:30,866 - What are you gonna do about it, Colonel? - As soon as I can... 411 00:23:30,969 --> 00:23:33,301 I'll look into the ladies' shower, so to speak. 412 00:23:33,404 --> 00:23:36,567 I hope so. And thank God you're back, sir. 413 00:23:36,674 --> 00:23:38,972 Dismissed, and thank you, Margaret. 414 00:23:39,077 --> 00:23:41,045 - Colonel, I missed you. - No. 415 00:23:41,145 --> 00:23:43,113 - About my heart murmurs, sir... - No. 416 00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:44,977 - My double vision is coming back. - No. 417 00:23:45,083 --> 00:23:46,880 - I've fallen in love with a goat. - No. 418 00:23:46,985 --> 00:23:50,045 - Glad to have you back, sir. - Well, that just about does it, sir. 419 00:23:50,154 --> 00:23:53,317 - I'll send these right off. Well done. - Don't mention it. 420 00:23:53,424 --> 00:23:55,551 Oh, and, Radar, one other thing. 421 00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:59,357 Bring me back a tall bicarbonate of soda. 422 00:23:59,464 --> 00:24:02,922 - This place is gonna drive me nuts. - Yes, sir.