1 00:00:00,622 --> 00:00:05,521 Hi. So I'm doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle... 2 00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:09,485 ...and guess who is the clue for three down? 3 00:00:09,703 --> 00:00:13,285 "Days of Our Lives star, blank Tribbiani." 4 00:00:13,529 --> 00:00:16,376 That's me! I'm blank! 5 00:00:17,113 --> 00:00:21,003 How cool! We know three down. I'm touching three down. 6 00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:22,878 Yeah, you are, baby. 7 00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:27,023 Three down knows I'm married. What's three down doing? 8 00:00:27,272 --> 00:00:29,846 Do they call to tell you you're in it? 9 00:00:30,125 --> 00:00:33,766 No. They wanted to do a profile on me. I said no. 10 00:00:34,022 --> 00:00:35,410 Why'd you say no? 11 00:00:35,658 --> 00:00:38,231 Remember the last interview I did? 12 00:00:38,545 --> 00:00:41,914 I said I write my own lines, the writers got mad... 13 00:00:42,198 --> 00:00:46,848 ...and I fell down an elevator shaft. Who knows what I'd say now? 14 00:00:47,104 --> 00:00:51,695 If only there was something in your head to control what you say. 15 00:00:51,940 --> 00:00:55,000 Come on, you'll keep it in check this time. 16 00:00:55,245 --> 00:00:59,587 The publicity would be good for you. You deserve that. 17 00:00:59,803 --> 00:01:05,367 In the interview, you could mention, I don't know, "gal pal Rachel Green." 18 00:01:05,613 --> 00:01:09,741 Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R? 19 00:01:10,553 --> 00:01:15,524 - Okay, don't listen to him. Please? - Fine, all right, I'll do it. 20 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:19,970 You have to be there to stop me if I say something stupid. 21 00:01:20,225 --> 00:01:24,982 Just then, or all the time? Because we have jobs, you know? 22 00:01:25,966 --> 00:01:29,477 We'll be there the whole time. Just remember: 23 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,949 Gal pal, Rachel Green. 24 00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:39,633 I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword. 25 00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,100 Seriously, proud of you. 26 00:01:43,014 --> 00:01:48,090 The One With Joeys Interview 27 00:02:20,902 --> 00:02:27,261 - Thanks for taking the time for this. - Not at all. Happy to do it. 28 00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:29,766 You think we're being obvious? 29 00:02:30,018 --> 00:02:35,225 No. We're just four people with neck problems, who talk like this. 30 00:02:35,479 --> 00:02:37,591 It's great that we met here. 31 00:02:37,881 --> 00:02:43,860 When people hear the magazine's paying, they want a big, fancy restaurant. 32 00:02:44,422 --> 00:02:47,862 Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying. 33 00:02:48,283 --> 00:02:53,004 Wouldn't have mattered. I do this for the fans, not the free food. 34 00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:55,690 - Can I get you anything? - Coffee. 35 00:02:56,007 --> 00:02:58,961 And I'll have all the muffins. 36 00:03:01,747 --> 00:03:04,214 - Hey. - We're not talking. 37 00:03:04,426 --> 00:03:06,715 Oh, finally. 38 00:03:08,462 --> 00:03:12,875 According to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work. 39 00:03:13,090 --> 00:03:16,459 Anything that you're particularly proud of? 40 00:03:18,622 --> 00:03:21,883 All you want is a dingle 41 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:25,089 What you envy's a shwang 42 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:28,597 A thing through which you can tinkle 43 00:03:28,885 --> 00:03:31,839 Or play with, or simply let hang 44 00:03:46,524 --> 00:03:49,858 This ever happen? You want a glass of milk... 45 00:03:50,143 --> 00:03:53,298 ...but these darn cartons are so hard to open! 46 00:03:53,552 --> 00:03:55,355 Boy, you said it, Mike. 47 00:03:58,006 --> 00:04:01,647 - There's gotta be a better way! - There is, Kevin! 48 00:04:01,972 --> 00:04:06,279 This is the first time he's ever used this. It's easy. 49 00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:10,217 - This works in any milk carton. - It is easy. 50 00:04:10,461 --> 00:04:13,936 Now I can have milk every day. 51 00:04:14,845 --> 00:04:17,028 So this is it, Victor? 52 00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:22,180 Yeah, I guess it is. And so... 53 00:04:23,787 --> 00:04:27,262 ...I'm gonna get on this spaceship... 54 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:38,638 ...and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. 55 00:04:38,956 --> 00:04:45,421 But when I return 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. 56 00:04:45,670 --> 00:04:48,208 But I won't have aged at all. 57 00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:56,383 So you tell your great-great- granddaughter to look me up. 58 00:04:58,543 --> 00:05:00,560 Because, Adrian... 59 00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:02,607 ...baby... 60 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,675 ...I'm gonna want to meet her. 61 00:05:14,826 --> 00:05:18,160 Here I come. I'm coming to fix the copier. 62 00:05:18,409 --> 00:05:22,893 I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking, "What do I do?" 63 00:05:23,942 --> 00:05:29,292 So I just watch them have sex. And then I say... Wait, here's my line: 64 00:05:29,543 --> 00:05:32,805 You know, that's bad for the paper tray. 65 00:05:34,553 --> 00:05:37,958 - Nice work, my friend. - Wait, you see me again. 66 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,265 Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me. 67 00:05:41,546 --> 00:05:44,606 There I am. There I am. There I am. 68 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,611 There are so many things, it's hard to pick just one. 69 00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:52,981 I'm getting coffee. Want anything? 70 00:05:53,201 --> 00:05:57,365 - A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea. - Double latte. 71 00:05:57,620 --> 00:06:01,131 - A bagel with only... - I was just being polite. 72 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:07,495 How about when you're not working? What do you do in your spare time? 73 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:14,175 Look at this clown. He thinks he can take up the whole river. 74 00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:17,863 Get out of the way, jackass! 75 00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:22,311 Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway? 76 00:06:23,714 --> 00:06:25,588 That is the Coast Guard. 77 00:06:25,836 --> 00:06:30,391 What are they doing out here? The coast is way over there! 78 00:06:31,159 --> 00:06:33,032 This is unbelievable. 79 00:06:33,282 --> 00:06:38,109 Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes. 80 00:06:42,083 --> 00:06:44,965 Dude, are you trying to kill me? 81 00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:54,360 Well, I see you've had a very productive day. 82 00:06:54,608 --> 00:06:58,736 - Isn't the cowboy hat a little much? - Come on, it's fun! 83 00:07:01,810 --> 00:07:03,719 All right. 84 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,447 Isn't this a woman's hat? 85 00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:16,141 Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea. 86 00:07:17,188 --> 00:07:19,928 We have to turn off the porn. 87 00:07:20,806 --> 00:07:23,273 I think you're right. 88 00:07:24,703 --> 00:07:26,399 - All right, ready? - One. 89 00:07:26,617 --> 00:07:29,357 - Two, three. - Three. 90 00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:35,311 That's kind of nice. 91 00:07:35,558 --> 00:07:37,847 - It's kind of a relief. - Yeah. 92 00:07:44,604 --> 00:07:47,629 - You wanna see if we still have it? - Yeah. 93 00:07:48,432 --> 00:07:51,065 Free porn! We have free porn here! 94 00:07:51,528 --> 00:07:54,623 In my spare time, I read to the blind. 95 00:07:54,937 --> 00:07:58,199 And I'm also a mento for kids. 96 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:02,447 - A mento? - You know, a mento. A role model. 97 00:08:05,445 --> 00:08:07,426 - A mento? - Right. 98 00:08:07,671 --> 00:08:11,182 - Like the candy? - As a matter of fact, I do. 99 00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:19,316 Our readers always want to know how soap stars stay in such great shape. 100 00:08:19,570 --> 00:08:21,966 Do you have a fitness regime? 101 00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:26,971 We stars usually just try to eat right and get lots of exercise. 102 00:08:27,606 --> 00:08:31,948 You know we've thrown this without dropping it for an hour? 103 00:08:32,199 --> 00:08:33,409 Are you serious? 104 00:08:33,660 --> 00:08:38,773 I realized it a half-hour ago, but I didn't want to jinx it. 105 00:08:39,053 --> 00:08:42,599 - Wow, we are pretty good at this. - Yeah. 106 00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:45,657 Hey, we totally forgot about lunch. 107 00:08:45,907 --> 00:08:47,603 That's the first time I've ever missed a meal. 108 00:08:47,682 --> 00:08:50,564 My pants are a little loose. 109 00:08:53,179 --> 00:08:55,123 What's wrong with you? 110 00:08:55,370 --> 00:09:00,306 I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights. 111 00:09:00,589 --> 00:09:03,222 And then I passed out. 112 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:08,648 I haven't been able to stand up since. But I don't think it's serious. 113 00:09:09,426 --> 00:09:12,273 Sounds like a hernia. Go to the doctor. 114 00:09:12,592 --> 00:09:13,801 No way! 115 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:19,689 If I go to the doctor, it's for this thing sticking out of my stomach! 116 00:09:21,917 --> 00:09:25,072 Why'd I have to start working out again? 117 00:09:25,361 --> 00:09:27,934 Damn you, fifteens! 118 00:09:28,179 --> 00:09:31,097 - What is it? - A trifle. It has layers. 119 00:09:31,379 --> 00:09:34,677 A layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam. 120 00:09:34,963 --> 00:09:38,118 Then custard, which I made from scratch. 121 00:09:38,443 --> 00:09:43,199 Raspberries, more ladyfingers, beef sautéed with peas and onions. 122 00:09:43,453 --> 00:09:46,299 Then a little bit more custard. 123 00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:49,469 It tastes like feet. 124 00:09:51,455 --> 00:09:53,815 I like it. 125 00:09:56,569 --> 00:10:00,602 - Are you kidding? - What's not to like? Custard, good. 126 00:10:00,883 --> 00:10:03,837 Jam, good. Meat, good! 127 00:10:06,415 --> 00:10:09,262 Well, you don't look good, Joe. 128 00:10:10,451 --> 00:10:14,378 Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. 129 00:10:14,626 --> 00:10:17,223 Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. 130 00:10:17,444 --> 00:10:20,077 Hey, what was in that brown jar? 131 00:10:20,331 --> 00:10:23,249 - That's still in there? - Not anymore. 132 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:26,274 This piece doesn't have floor on it. 133 00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:30,131 - Stick to your side. - Hey, come on, now. 134 00:10:40,928 --> 00:10:43,324 All right, what are we having? 135 00:10:47,365 --> 00:10:52,644 I don't believe in these crazy diets. Just everything in moderation. 136 00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:54,629 Your muffins. 137 00:10:56,237 --> 00:10:58,775 I'll take those to go. 138 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:00,372 For the kids. 139 00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:04,577 I know what I wanted to ask. 140 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:08,792 They killed you off years ago. What happened there? 141 00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:14,286 I said some stuff in an interview I shouldn't have said. 142 00:11:14,606 --> 00:11:18,711 - But that is not gonna happen today. - Understood. 143 00:11:18,991 --> 00:11:22,881 - So, what'd you say back then? - I said that I... 144 00:11:23,131 --> 00:11:26,048 - Hey, Joey! - How you doing? 145 00:11:28,349 --> 00:11:33,035 This is Shelly. She's interviewing me. Shelly, these are my friends. 146 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:38,401 Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green. If you want the dirt, come to me. 147 00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:42,468 This might be Joey's baby, who knows? 148 00:11:42,962 --> 00:11:47,233 I'm just kidding. Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green. 149 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,648 Who just lost the respect of her unborn child. 150 00:11:51,939 --> 00:11:54,643 I'm gonna go get this warmed up. 151 00:11:55,522 --> 00:11:58,891 - You're doing great. - So far, nothing stupid. 152 00:11:59,105 --> 00:12:01,122 - Mento? - No, thanks. 153 00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:08,356 As Joey's friends, is there anything our readers should know? 154 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,557 No, just that he is a great guy. 155 00:12:11,804 --> 00:12:14,758 That'll get you into Soap Opera Digest. 156 00:12:14,971 --> 00:12:16,394 Well, I... 157 00:12:16,606 --> 00:12:18,753 I'd like to say that Joey... 158 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:23,657 ...truly has enriched the days of our lives. 159 00:12:24,259 --> 00:12:28,672 I think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet. 160 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:33,476 - I like that. What's your name? - Phoebe Buffay. 161 00:12:33,723 --> 00:12:38,930 - How do you spell that? - It's P as in Phoebe. H as in Heebie. 162 00:12:39,186 --> 00:12:41,404 O as in Obie. E as in Ebie. 163 00:12:41,656 --> 00:12:46,662 B as in Beebee. And E as in, "'ello there, mate!" 164 00:12:47,049 --> 00:12:49,718 Great. It was nice meeting you. 165 00:12:50,006 --> 00:12:52,746 - Yeah, you too. - Thanks. 166 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,039 It seems you have a lot of friends. Who is your best friend? 167 00:13:02,009 --> 00:13:04,334 How come you have two? 168 00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:07,462 Well, this one's for you. 169 00:13:07,714 --> 00:13:10,525 - Get out! - No, I can't. 170 00:13:12,029 --> 00:13:17,035 I know how much this means to you. This isn't just about jewelry. 171 00:13:17,248 --> 00:13:22,490 It's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds. 172 00:13:23,858 --> 00:13:27,536 Is this friendship? I think so! 173 00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:30,670 Check it out! We're bracelet buddies! 174 00:13:30,955 --> 00:13:33,422 That's what they'll call us! 175 00:13:35,687 --> 00:13:39,506 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't worry about it. 176 00:13:39,723 --> 00:13:42,190 That's gonna leave a stain. 177 00:13:42,436 --> 00:13:46,399 Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's. 178 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,591 - Really? - Yeah, look. 179 00:13:55,136 --> 00:13:58,469 - I've never lived like this before. - I know! 180 00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:06,126 Well, don't waste it. I mean, it's still food. Jeez! 181 00:14:06,757 --> 00:14:09,852 I feel guilty. I wanna be a good friend... 182 00:14:10,096 --> 00:14:14,818 ...and damn it, I am a good friend. So shut up and close your eyes. 183 00:14:20,011 --> 00:14:22,087 You are a good friend. 184 00:14:22,309 --> 00:14:26,128 The audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. 185 00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:32,108 But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. 186 00:14:34,451 --> 00:14:38,722 Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. 187 00:14:38,939 --> 00:14:40,777 And they're off! 188 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:44,293 Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! 189 00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:47,114 Judge rules: No violation. 190 00:14:47,706 --> 00:14:53,056 - The duck gets the Nutter Butter! - No! That's just an old won ton. 191 00:14:53,377 --> 00:14:56,923 Judge rules: Nutter Butter! 192 00:14:57,239 --> 00:14:59,386 Tough call. 193 00:14:59,778 --> 00:15:05,579 - I saw it on the Discovery Channel. - Wait a minute. I saw that! 194 00:15:05,832 --> 00:15:08,786 Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you... 195 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,774 You peed on yourself? 196 00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:20,471 You can't say that! You don't know! 197 00:15:20,759 --> 00:15:23,783 I thought I'd pass out from the pain. 198 00:15:24,029 --> 00:15:28,512 Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. 199 00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:32,893 So... 200 00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:41,763 That's right, I stepped up! 201 00:15:43,894 --> 00:15:46,990 She's my friend and she needed help! 202 00:15:47,235 --> 00:15:50,841 If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you! 203 00:15:54,576 --> 00:15:57,114 Nope. No best friend. 204 00:15:57,359 --> 00:16:00,276 Just a lot of close friends. 205 00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,794 So now back to the show. 206 00:16:04,039 --> 00:16:08,203 How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base? 207 00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:10,569 Really? Me? 208 00:16:10,893 --> 00:16:15,057 Wow, I don't even know any huge gay people. 209 00:16:15,346 --> 00:16:18,893 It hurts me. It physically hurts me. 210 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:23,652 Now, off the record, you're not... 211 00:16:24,288 --> 00:16:27,965 What? Are you referring to my man's bag? 212 00:16:28,741 --> 00:16:32,181 At first, it just looked good, but it's practical. 213 00:16:32,429 --> 00:16:36,533 It's got compartments for stuff: Your wallet, your keys. 214 00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,925 Your makeup. 215 00:16:39,805 --> 00:16:43,732 Should I climb down your front so we're face to face... 216 00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:49,509 ...or should I climb down your back so we're butt to face? 217 00:16:50,033 --> 00:16:52,465 - I think face is best. - Yeah, face. 218 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,882 - Okay, here I come. - All right. 219 00:16:59,497 --> 00:17:03,138 Oh, my... How much do you weigh, Ross? 220 00:17:03,463 --> 00:17:08,635 I prefer not to answer that. I'm still carrying a little holiday weight. 221 00:17:15,954 --> 00:17:21,862 When we said "face to face," we didn't think it all the way through! 222 00:17:22,111 --> 00:17:24,092 - Hey, Pheebs. - Hey. 223 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,545 Check it out. 224 00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:36,264 How much of a man am I? 225 00:17:36,585 --> 00:17:41,033 Nice. Manly and also kind of a slut. 226 00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:43,639 You're turning into a woman. 227 00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:49,212 No, I'm not! Why would you say that? That's just mean! 228 00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,171 Now I've upset you? What did I say? 229 00:17:53,424 --> 00:17:57,208 Not what you said, it's just the way you said it. 230 00:17:57,494 --> 00:18:00,519 Oh, my God! I'm a woman! 231 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:12,939 - Great nap. - It really was. 232 00:18:26,441 --> 00:18:28,659 Me? Gay? No. No. No. 233 00:18:29,016 --> 00:18:32,456 But I have a number of close friends who are. 234 00:18:35,105 --> 00:18:37,014 So let's talk about women. 235 00:18:37,297 --> 00:18:41,151 I'm sure our female readers are interested in your romantic life. 236 00:18:41,402 --> 00:18:45,150 What I do is, I look a woman up and down and I say: 237 00:18:45,368 --> 00:18:49,081 "Hey. How you doing?" 238 00:18:51,178 --> 00:18:52,767 Oh, please. 239 00:18:53,057 --> 00:18:55,975 Hey. How you doing? 240 00:19:00,502 --> 00:19:03,207 Hey. How you doing? 241 00:19:03,460 --> 00:19:06,378 He has an amazing Porsche under there. 242 00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:11,179 I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. 243 00:19:11,428 --> 00:19:14,797 Would you two girls like to go for a drink? 244 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:24,053 - Is Rachel here? I'm her sister. - Oh, my God! Jill! 245 00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:26,352 - Oh, my God! Rachel! - Oh, hi! 246 00:19:26,596 --> 00:19:30,795 - Oh, my God! Introduce us! - Well, this is Chandler. 247 00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:34,904 You know Monica and Ross. That's Phoebe. That's Joey. 248 00:19:35,155 --> 00:19:38,346 - Hey, how you doing? - Don't! 249 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:46,007 You're a really nice guy. I'm happy to be your roommate and friend. 250 00:19:46,254 --> 00:19:51,366 I'm just... You know, I just don't feel that way about you. 251 00:19:53,699 --> 00:19:56,272 I see what happened. 252 00:19:56,517 --> 00:20:00,064 It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? 253 00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:05,731 Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. 254 00:20:05,946 --> 00:20:08,828 - I don't think so. - Oh, I do. 255 00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,136 How you doing? 256 00:20:15,096 --> 00:20:17,006 I'm okay. 257 00:20:17,392 --> 00:20:20,346 What? Oh, dear God! 258 00:20:24,385 --> 00:20:27,860 Not much to tell there. I'm really shy. 259 00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:33,214 So that's it. I guess that's all I need. 260 00:20:33,431 --> 00:20:37,559 Thank you so much. I think they'll run this next month. 261 00:20:37,849 --> 00:20:40,839 Oh, great. Great. Thank you. 262 00:20:41,085 --> 00:20:43,516 - Bye. - Bye-bye. 263 00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:46,988 - I did it. - Amazing. 264 00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:51,442 Wait, I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this: 265 00:20:51,696 --> 00:20:55,136 Other than Days, what's your favorite soap opera? 266 00:20:55,420 --> 00:21:01,150 Oh, I don't watch soap operas. Excuse me? I have a life, you know? 267 00:21:02,587 --> 00:21:07,486 The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to learn that. 268 00:21:07,735 --> 00:21:09,360 Good enough. 269 00:21:13,128 --> 00:21:14,753 So close. 270 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:23,520 They didn't put in the part about you not watching soaps. 271 00:21:23,774 --> 00:21:28,401 I called the lady and said I was joking. She was nice about it. 272 00:21:28,646 --> 00:21:31,872 - You slept with her, didn't you? - A little bit. 273 00:21:33,655 --> 00:21:36,051 This picture of you is steamy. 274 00:21:36,299 --> 00:21:40,677 That's just a little something for my huge gay fan base. 275 00:21:40,893 --> 00:21:44,083 - Did you just wink at me? - You're the one who loves the picture.