1 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,552 Oh, America. 2 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,595 I wish I could tell you that this was still America, 3 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:35,590 but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. 4 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,562 And there are no people here. 5 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:47,435 No! No! 6 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:54,112 Go back... Fuck! Aah! 7 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:57,779 No, my friends. 8 00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:01,154 This is now the United States of Zombieland. 9 00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:10,462 It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm. 10 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:14,003 And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? 11 00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:17,002 It's because of my list of rules. 12 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:20,373 Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. 13 00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:23,371 Fuck! 14 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,108 When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, 15 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,651 the first ones to go were the fatties. 16 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,550 Poor fat bastard. 17 00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:39,289 But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, 18 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:41,990 it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. 19 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:45,967 You had to get a gun and learn how to use it. 20 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,640 Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. 21 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:54,840 In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really "dead" dead, 22 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,016 don't get all stingy with your bullets. 23 00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,980 I mean, one more clean shot to the head, 24 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:05,823 And this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. 25 00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:08,823 Woulda, coulda, shoulda. 26 00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:11,588 Wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. 27 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,097 When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. 28 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:18,532 Can't a guy take a dumper in peace? 29 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,338 Don't let them catch you with your pants down. 30 00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:28,605 Rule number three: Beware of bathrooms. 31 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,850 As zombies began to outnumber humans, 32 00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:36,954 well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. 33 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,718 If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters, 34 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,890 Well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. 35 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:52,602 You had to focus on your own survival, 36 00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:55,535 which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic. 37 00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:08,050 Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 38 00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:57,760 That guy down there is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. 39 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:01,593 And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland. 40 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,100 It's been two months since patient zero took a bite of a contaminated burger 41 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,567 at a Gas N' Gulp. 42 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:11,005 Just two months, and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. 43 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,178 I may seem like an unlikely survivor, 44 00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:16,610 with all my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome, 45 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:21,048 but I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family. 46 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:25,020 I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules. 47 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,519 My rules. 48 00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,583 Shit. 49 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,264 Of course. 50 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,833 Motherfucker. 51 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,347 Oh. 52 00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:10,461 On the bright side, I had found a place to go number two. 53 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,335 Another rule to surviving Zombieland: Travel light. 54 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,638 And I don't mean just luggage. 55 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,671 I've always been kind of a loner. 56 00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,843 I avoided people like they were zombies 57 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:26,705 even before they were zombies. 58 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:30,280 Now that they are all zombies, I kind of miss people. 59 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:33,879 So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas 60 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:37,988 to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive. 61 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,159 Even though we were never really close, 62 00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:43,089 it would be nice to see a familiar face, or any face, 63 00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:47,163 that doesn't have blood dripping from its lips and flesh between its teeth. 64 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:17,013 Thank you. 65 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,459 Ah. 66 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,729 - What are you looking for? - Nothing. 67 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,763 I just, uh... I just have this list. 68 00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:30,492 No one back there but my duffel bag. 69 00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:35,166 Uh... What's your name? 70 00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,467 Stop. No names. 71 00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,702 Keeps us from getting too familiar. 72 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:44,838 You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. Um... Oh. 73 00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:48,145 - That's okay, you don't have to... - So where you headed? 74 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:51,448 Uh... Columbus. You? 75 00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,160 Tallahassee. 76 00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:57,956 Mm. 77 00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:02,625 Uh... No, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once. 78 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:08,663 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are both, uh, east. 79 00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:10,068 So? 80 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,534 So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? 81 00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:17,648 - Least for a while? - Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh... 82 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,143 I'm not easy to get along with, 83 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,651 and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, 84 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,391 so I give this relationship to about Texarkana. 85 00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:30,687 Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana. 86 00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,488 You're a peppy little spit-fuck, aren't you? 87 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:36,498 You might wanna buckle up for safety. 88 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:41,002 I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves. 89 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,066 Even though teaming up wasn't my style, 90 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,403 I figured I'd be safer with Tallahassee. 91 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:49,080 You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and... 92 00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:51,078 Business is good. 93 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:56,482 It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness. 94 00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,081 What are we doing here? 95 00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:00,554 Well, take a look. It's a goddamn Hostess truck. 96 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,025 Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what? 97 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,595 I could use a Twinkie. 98 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:16,699 - You coming? - Uh... Yes. Yeah. One second. 99 00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:22,979 - Are you fucking with me? - Uh... No. 100 00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,146 You should actually limber up as well. 101 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,320 Especially if we are going down that hill. 102 00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:29,782 It is very important. 103 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:31,550 I don't believe in it. 104 00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:35,215 You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle? 105 00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:37,384 Hmm. 106 00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,583 - Sno Balls? - Yeah. 107 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,616 Sno Balls? 108 00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:07,925 Where's the fucking Twinkies? 109 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,986 I like Sno Balls. 110 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:13,165 I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency. 111 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,425 Fresh. 112 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:21,000 Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. 113 00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:26,869 Hey, this may be a bad time, 114 00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:29,377 but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl. 115 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,048 - Really? - Really. 116 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,692 I know, again, so soon? What can I say? 117 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:43,225 I have a case of, uh, chronic anxiety. 118 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:52,230 Truth is, I was always kind of phobic. I found lots of things disturbing. 119 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,896 Like undertow or department store Santas. 120 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,609 Being alone with a baby. 121 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:03,478 But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies, 122 00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,711 fucking clowns. 123 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,190 When you're afraid of everything that's out there, 124 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:14,655 you quit going out there, 125 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,328 which is what happened to me before Zombieland. 126 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:21,393 Friday night, third straight week indoors. 127 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,397 "World of Warcraft", 128 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,695 leaning tower of pizza boxes, 129 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,930 Code Red Mountain Dew. 130 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,233 Pride, nowhere. 131 00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:32,103 Dignity, long gone. 132 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,871 Virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on. 133 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,843 Smooth. 134 00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:39,711 My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl, 135 00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:43,286 and fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks. 136 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,390 Then again, since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut-ins like me, 137 00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:49,060 maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks. 138 00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:53,630 And then I'd finally be a member of a cool, functional family. 139 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,698 408. 140 00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:58,870 Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency. 141 00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:02,033 I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic, 142 00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,141 but my neighbor 406 is insanely hot. 143 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,742 Okay, okay. 144 00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:13,583 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 145 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,413 Nice to meet you. 146 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,820 Here. 147 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,222 There you go. 148 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:31,331 - Mountain Dew? - Yeah. Code Red. 149 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:35,234 And here's some Golden Grahams. The, uh, Ziploc bag keeps them crisp. 150 00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:38,266 Okay. Keep that there. 151 00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,835 So, um, tell me what happened. 152 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:46,647 Uh... He was homeless and... And... And sick. 153 00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:49,685 And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone, 154 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,916 and then he just came sprinting towards me. 155 00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:57,220 I mean, not running, sprinting. 156 00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,431 And... And I thought, you know, like, maybe he was running from someone, 157 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:06,867 or after someone, but last time I saw he was still out there going crazy. 158 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,164 Drugs, maybe? 159 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,668 I didn't even tell you the worst part. 160 00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,640 Yeah? 161 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:17,605 He tried to bite me. 162 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:25,284 - You're right, that's the worst part. - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. 163 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:29,450 No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you. 164 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,062 That's the right kind of scared. That's reasonable scared. 165 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:36,029 I get scared for things that don't make sense, like clowns with red noses, 166 00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:38,294 or, like, the rags they use to wipe down tables 167 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,734 when you finish eating at a chain restaurant. 168 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,567 Really? 169 00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:46,505 Look, the point is I am here for you, okay? 170 00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:50,170 And as long as you are by my side, I am not leaving this apartment. 171 00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:52,976 Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? 172 00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,846 No, of course. Of course. 173 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,579 - Thank you. - Okay. 174 00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,921 Set aside the feverish, homeless cannibal, 175 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,026 I'm living the dream. 176 00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:05,253 I had always, my whole life, 177 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:09,059 wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. 178 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,034 - Good night. - Good night. 179 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:28,915 Oh, my God. 180 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:30,682 Are you okay? 181 00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:34,192 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 182 00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:38,057 Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop. 183 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,688 What are you doing? 184 00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:50,731 Look, stay back, 406, okay? I don't wanna hurt you, but, 185 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,240 Shit. 186 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,651 Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry. 187 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,164 You see, you just can't trust anyone. 188 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:51,034 The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me. 189 00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:08,711 Please. Listen to me. 190 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,854 406. 191 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,054 If you're in there, 192 00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:17,528 you're just sick. Okay? 193 00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:36,872 That was my first brush with the plague of the 21 st century. 194 00:18:37,082 --> 00:18:38,640 Remember mad cow disease? 195 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:42,150 Well, mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. 196 00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:46,381 It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, 197 00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:48,560 that made you hateful, violent, 198 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,558 and gave you a really, really bad case of the munchies. 199 00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,754 All right, you steer, I'll push. 200 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:56,694 Uh... Okay. 201 00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,503 Okay. 202 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,537 I've heard there's a place that's untouched by this crap. 203 00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:05,767 Back east, yeah? 204 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,206 Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing? 205 00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:11,909 Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. 206 00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,915 It's all just nonsense. 207 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,588 You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole 208 00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:20,917 who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year. 209 00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:23,788 There are no penguins on the North Pole. 210 00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:27,531 You wanna feel how hard I can punch? 211 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:30,965 So, what do you think? 212 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,638 Wait, the last time I laid some pipe? 213 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,366 Last time you went 20 toes, put Percy in the playpen? 214 00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:38,565 Who's Percy? 215 00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:41,109 Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy. 216 00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:44,441 - Went heels to Jesus. - Oh. Oh, made love. 217 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,379 Well, just sex. 218 00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:48,017 Uh... 219 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,222 Uh... Three weeks ago. Yeah. 220 00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,254 In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck. 221 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:57,755 - Shut up. - No, no, I was headed east. 222 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,056 She, west. 223 00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:02,392 And we took shelter in the back of the truck. 224 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:05,570 - It was full of undelivered packages. - What was her name? 225 00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,670 Beverly. 226 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:08,999 Beverly Hills. 227 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,334 You dog. 228 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,913 So, uh, what about you? 229 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,113 Me? I... I... 230 00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:20,841 Aye, aye, aye. 231 00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:27,117 Oh, my God. It makes you sick. 232 00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:30,090 You know, it makes you sad, it makes you... 233 00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:33,753 It makes you think if you can go back to the way things were right now, 234 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,194 you know, you'd be... 235 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,563 You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies. 236 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,166 And instead this. 237 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:47,034 - I mean, it makes you... - Hungry. 238 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,804 I'm worried about you. 239 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,983 Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, 240 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:56,678 I promise you it ain't prettier than our friend here enjoying her Manwich. 241 00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:07,496 Tallahassee had a sick sense of humor when it came to zombies. 242 00:21:07,699 --> 00:21:11,100 Zombies aren't the most lovable creatures, but he really hated them. 243 00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:15,500 The only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies, was finding a Twinkie. 244 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:19,307 Something about a Twinkie reminded him of a time not so long ago, 245 00:21:19,511 --> 00:21:23,072 when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic. 246 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:26,513 It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat, 247 00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:28,151 the world would become innocent again, 248 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,844 and everything would return to normal. 249 00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:32,751 What, are you prospecting? 250 00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,685 Jesus Christ. 251 00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:36,758 You are a dangerous man. 252 00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:41,330 You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie? 253 00:21:41,533 --> 00:21:44,331 There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. 254 00:21:44,536 --> 00:21:46,333 Not just any box of Twinkies. 255 00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:51,532 The last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. 256 00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:54,541 Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. 257 00:21:55,714 --> 00:22:01,675 Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty. 258 00:22:02,587 --> 00:22:05,522 Time to nut up or shut up. 259 00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:09,717 When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, 260 00:22:09,928 --> 00:22:12,761 he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked-with. 261 00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:14,693 No fear, nothing to lose. 262 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:18,895 What can I say? It's like... It's like art. 263 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,580 You got a pretty mouth. 264 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,630 Don't swing, don't swing. 265 00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:52,694 Swing. 266 00:22:57,743 --> 00:22:59,711 - Thank you. - You owe me. 267 00:23:01,646 --> 00:23:03,238 Yeah. 268 00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,574 You're incredible. 269 00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:06,148 - I know. - Yeah. 270 00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:09,752 Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie. Whoa, whoa. 271 00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:12,446 Big Hoss. 272 00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:21,924 Come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top. 273 00:23:29,307 --> 00:23:31,867 Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. 274 00:23:32,310 --> 00:23:34,107 And they're so fat. 275 00:23:34,312 --> 00:23:36,507 I think we should probably just keep going. 276 00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:42,812 All I could think of was, what are the odds? 277 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:46,548 Another marriageable woman to bring home to the folks. 278 00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:47,952 Come quick. 279 00:23:48,860 --> 00:23:52,296 Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. 280 00:23:54,866 --> 00:23:56,333 Hey. 281 00:23:56,802 --> 00:23:58,633 I'll catch up. 282 00:24:01,306 --> 00:24:04,537 Rule number 22: When in doubt, know your way out. 283 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,747 They're sisters. The, uh, little one's been bitten. 284 00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,185 Act normal. Try not to freak her out. 285 00:24:19,391 --> 00:24:21,086 Yeah. 286 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:25,095 Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock. 287 00:24:27,399 --> 00:24:29,833 So you did all this for a Twinkie? 288 00:24:30,368 --> 00:24:35,101 No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character. 289 00:24:37,375 --> 00:24:39,400 Look, um, I don't think she has long. 290 00:24:39,611 --> 00:24:43,741 Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows. We're just looking for a way out. 291 00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:47,574 No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl. 292 00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:49,718 Don't talk about me like I'm not here. 293 00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:52,753 Right, sorry. Um... 294 00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:57,554 Look, I know that you're really sick. Whoa. 295 00:24:57,996 --> 00:25:00,089 But, uh, your sister wants me to... 296 00:25:00,298 --> 00:25:02,823 It's not her decision, okay? It's mine. 297 00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:04,899 I made her promise. 298 00:25:06,771 --> 00:25:09,569 We already said goodbye, but, um, we didn't have a gun. 299 00:25:09,975 --> 00:25:13,342 - We don't know that there's no cure. - You're just gutless! 300 00:25:14,579 --> 00:25:15,705 Give him the gun. 301 00:25:32,664 --> 00:25:35,394 Wait, wait, wait. 302 00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:39,294 I'll do it. 303 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:59,890 - I love you. - I love you too. 304 00:26:10,168 --> 00:26:11,260 You need some help? 305 00:26:12,037 --> 00:26:14,164 Now that you mention it, 306 00:26:14,372 --> 00:26:16,966 we'll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunition. 307 00:26:17,175 --> 00:26:20,406 - And if you've got it, sugarless gum. - What the fuck? 308 00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:24,213 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, why are you guys doing this? 309 00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:26,542 Better you make the mistake of trusting us 310 00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:28,810 than us make the mistake of trusting you. 311 00:26:31,656 --> 00:26:34,090 The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows up, 312 00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:35,384 makes me feel like an idiot, 313 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:39,655 steals my double-barrel and then says I'm the one that can't be trusted. 314 00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:45,297 Nice going, genius. 315 00:26:45,503 --> 00:26:47,471 You're the one that gave her the gun. 316 00:26:47,672 --> 00:26:50,232 Those guys were dumb. 317 00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:54,209 Avoid the vanity mirror. 318 00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:56,676 Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie. 319 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:02,583 - What I'd give for a shower... - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay? 320 00:27:03,521 --> 00:27:05,648 Let's just get where we're going. 321 00:27:05,857 --> 00:27:08,655 - So do you think it's true? - Is what true? 322 00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:10,851 You know, about Pacific Playland? 323 00:27:11,062 --> 00:27:15,021 Totally zombie-free. Only place west of Waco. 324 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,500 Trust me. 325 00:27:20,872 --> 00:27:23,272 So he's on one of these serious Tour de France bikes... 326 00:27:23,508 --> 00:27:25,601 You know, with, like, the toeholds, right? 327 00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:30,770 And he's pedaling, and the zombie's head is, like, caught in the gear. 328 00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:34,713 You know, with the hair in the chain just, like, going around. 329 00:27:34,919 --> 00:27:36,682 Ho. Very cool. 330 00:27:36,888 --> 00:27:41,791 But zombie kill of the week? No, sir. 331 00:27:42,027 --> 00:27:45,895 I saw this construction worker. I shit you not, 332 00:27:46,097 --> 00:27:49,464 he is on a steamroller, and a zombie goes down in front of him. 333 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,228 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? 334 00:27:52,437 --> 00:27:54,166 Yeah. I always roll it up from the bottom. 335 00:27:54,372 --> 00:27:56,806 Well, the zombie's head is the cap. 336 00:27:57,042 --> 00:28:00,307 Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? 337 00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:04,641 No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. 338 00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:06,874 All right, let's just try to find a car. 339 00:28:07,085 --> 00:28:08,109 Oh, which reminds me, 340 00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:11,288 I never had headaches like this till your ass came onboard. 341 00:28:11,489 --> 00:28:15,983 I mean, do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 342 00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:17,422 Hey, there's a nice minivan. 343 00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:20,154 Oh, you know something? That is nice. 344 00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:21,662 That's a beautiful van. 345 00:28:23,935 --> 00:28:26,961 Tallahassee believes you have to blow off steam in Zombieland 346 00:28:27,172 --> 00:28:29,766 or else you lose what's left of your mind. 347 00:28:29,974 --> 00:28:33,239 If it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, 348 00:28:33,445 --> 00:28:35,970 then I say, "Hey, go ape shit." 349 00:28:36,181 --> 00:28:38,172 I want my Caddy back! 350 00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:42,144 Stupid little bitches! 351 00:28:48,159 --> 00:28:51,686 Oh, I think I pulled something. 352 00:28:52,797 --> 00:28:56,096 Think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? 353 00:29:00,305 --> 00:29:02,432 You hesitated. 354 00:29:04,142 --> 00:29:08,602 Is it better to be smart or lucky? 355 00:29:09,047 --> 00:29:12,073 Look at what we got here. 356 00:29:18,523 --> 00:29:20,457 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 357 00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:35,533 Come on. 358 00:29:40,145 --> 00:29:42,613 - That's nice. - Smell the finger? 359 00:29:46,818 --> 00:29:48,410 Yes. 360 00:29:52,690 --> 00:29:55,818 Thank God for rednecks. 361 00:29:56,027 --> 00:29:58,495 This is a really big truck 362 00:29:58,696 --> 00:30:03,429 and these are really big guns. 363 00:30:03,668 --> 00:30:05,260 Take your time. 364 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,785 You know, they say, "He who seeks revenge 365 00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:32,792 should remember to dig two graves." 366 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:37,161 Right. Two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 367 00:30:37,502 --> 00:30:38,764 You are scary happy. 368 00:30:41,973 --> 00:30:45,136 Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? 369 00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,538 Oh, you want to talk about home? 370 00:30:48,479 --> 00:30:53,041 For me, home was a puppy named Buck. 371 00:30:53,751 --> 00:30:55,582 Cutest dog ever. 372 00:31:02,994 --> 00:31:05,292 All those fucking zombies. 373 00:31:06,364 --> 00:31:07,388 I lost him. 374 00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:13,694 And there ain't no getting him back, so, uh, I'm looking for a new home. 375 00:31:14,639 --> 00:31:18,803 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping in the Yellowstone River, 376 00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:22,501 or swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy Mansion, 377 00:31:22,747 --> 00:31:27,116 but today, a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8, 378 00:31:27,318 --> 00:31:31,015 a box full of hollow points, and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie. 379 00:31:32,991 --> 00:31:35,482 Gotta enjoy the little things. 380 00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:40,364 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam, 381 00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:41,964 but I'm writing it down. 382 00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:44,634 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 383 00:31:52,877 --> 00:31:55,004 Knowing them, it's a trap. 384 00:31:55,213 --> 00:31:58,546 Wait here. Drive down if I signal. 385 00:31:58,783 --> 00:32:00,842 You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 386 00:32:01,052 --> 00:32:03,748 Not unless they shoot at me. 387 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:07,023 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. 388 00:32:57,375 --> 00:32:59,775 Looks like they hoofed it. 389 00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:02,276 Probably headed west. 390 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,448 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 391 00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,378 Sure. 392 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,122 - They're in the back, aren't they? - Just me. 393 00:33:12,323 --> 00:33:13,620 Oh. 394 00:33:14,125 --> 00:33:16,821 I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. 395 00:33:17,295 --> 00:33:20,321 You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old? 396 00:33:20,565 --> 00:33:24,057 Girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age. 397 00:33:24,268 --> 00:33:27,362 Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please. 398 00:33:27,572 --> 00:33:29,767 Like you would ever use that thing. 399 00:33:29,974 --> 00:33:32,909 Don't kill me with my own gun! 400 00:33:33,111 --> 00:33:34,772 All those violent video games. 401 00:33:34,979 --> 00:33:36,742 - Yeah. - Thank you. 402 00:33:36,948 --> 00:33:38,643 - Now honk your horn. - What? 403 00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:40,180 Honk it. 404 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:45,053 Oh. 405 00:33:45,256 --> 00:33:47,781 It's your sister, with my gun. Hello. 406 00:33:52,163 --> 00:33:53,494 Bummer. 407 00:33:54,999 --> 00:33:56,933 Now step away from the vehicle. 408 00:33:59,437 --> 00:34:01,803 You get to ride shotgun. 409 00:34:09,013 --> 00:34:10,844 I kind of like this girl. 410 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,246 She's not your typical hot, stuck-up bitch. 411 00:34:14,819 --> 00:34:19,381 Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us. 412 00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:35,136 Uh... What are you looking for? 413 00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:37,273 My engagement ring. 414 00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:42,042 I took it off to pump my gas, and I thought that I put it in my purse, 415 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:45,374 but it must've fallen out, and I'm late for my flight and... 416 00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:49,644 Well, listen, I'll find your ring, and I'll FedEx it to you. 417 00:34:50,154 --> 00:34:51,621 I'll give you a reward. 418 00:34:51,823 --> 00:34:53,017 Ha. Don't be silly. 419 00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:57,160 Three thousand dollars. It's worth more than my car. 420 00:34:58,162 --> 00:34:59,686 Just... Just give me your number. 421 00:35:01,065 --> 00:35:02,828 Yeah. I'll find it. 422 00:35:03,367 --> 00:35:05,358 Yeah, I'll start looking for it right now. 423 00:35:05,570 --> 00:35:07,800 Because I got nothing else to do. 424 00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,905 I was engaged once, 425 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,303 but I'm single now. 426 00:35:14,745 --> 00:35:16,144 Bye-bye. 427 00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:21,314 Hope you make your flight. 428 00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:28,925 No, but I know it's around here somewhere. 429 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,493 She's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. 430 00:35:35,199 --> 00:35:36,689 Let me call you back. 431 00:35:36,901 --> 00:35:39,392 Hey, you found my ring. 432 00:35:40,238 --> 00:35:42,706 Thanks. I've been looking all over for it. 433 00:35:42,907 --> 00:35:45,102 - Your ring? - Well, it's my friend's, you know. 434 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:47,971 - I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward? 435 00:35:48,579 --> 00:35:53,073 Forty, 60, 80, 400. 436 00:35:53,284 --> 00:35:56,219 That's it. That's the whole register. 437 00:35:58,656 --> 00:36:00,089 You made someone very happy. 438 00:36:01,726 --> 00:36:02,750 You too. 439 00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:12,069 Nice. 440 00:36:12,436 --> 00:36:14,131 How many left? 441 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:17,104 Let me see. 442 00:36:18,276 --> 00:36:21,370 Hmm. Enough for us to get to California. 443 00:36:22,446 --> 00:36:23,572 Someday, I want a ring this big. 444 00:36:23,781 --> 00:36:26,579 Hmm. For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. 445 00:36:28,986 --> 00:36:31,955 It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry 446 00:36:32,156 --> 00:36:33,589 and a cutthroat attitude. 447 00:36:33,791 --> 00:36:36,885 I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road. 448 00:36:39,497 --> 00:36:41,397 Thank you, Wichita. Thanks, Little Rock. 449 00:36:46,837 --> 00:36:50,102 For fuck's sake, enough already! We're being chased by ravenous freaks! 450 00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:52,276 We don't have enough problems? 451 00:36:52,476 --> 00:36:55,445 "Oh, they stole my Hummer. We have trust issues." Get over it, okay? 452 00:36:55,646 --> 00:36:57,011 We can't just fucking drive down the road, 453 00:36:57,215 --> 00:37:00,810 playing I Spy or some shit for hours like four normal-ass Americans? 454 00:37:01,319 --> 00:37:02,616 Fuck me! 455 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,781 Oh. I know. 456 00:37:06,857 --> 00:37:08,347 Let me be the mature one. 457 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:11,292 Good. 458 00:37:22,673 --> 00:37:25,369 So where are you guys headed? 459 00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:27,771 Pacific Playland. 460 00:37:27,979 --> 00:37:29,207 The amusement park? 461 00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:32,712 - Wait, outside LA? - Yeah. We went there as kids. 462 00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,817 That place totally blows. 463 00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:39,546 My mind. It's... It's so fun. 464 00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:42,453 Just good entertainment for the whole family. 465 00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:44,525 Yeah, no, actually, I went there as a kid too. 466 00:37:44,729 --> 00:37:46,822 In fact, this probably counts as off-season. 467 00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:49,499 Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there. 468 00:37:49,700 --> 00:37:51,031 Yeah, we heard. Uh... 469 00:37:51,235 --> 00:37:56,138 You know what, I may not shoot you, but you have still royally pissed me off, 470 00:37:56,340 --> 00:37:59,969 and I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland. 471 00:38:01,879 --> 00:38:04,473 - Don't worry, he grows on you. - Really? 472 00:38:04,682 --> 00:38:06,206 No. It gets worse. 473 00:38:06,417 --> 00:38:08,817 Okay. How about we play the quiet game? 474 00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:10,487 Yeah? Starting now. 475 00:38:13,190 --> 00:38:15,158 Oh, um, I've actually been meaning to ask you: 476 00:38:15,359 --> 00:38:17,589 Did you... Did you hear anything about, uh, Columbus, Ohio? 477 00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:20,059 - You never played the quiet game? - Sorry. 478 00:38:20,264 --> 00:38:22,391 No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus, Ohio. 479 00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,694 It's a total ghost town. It's burned to the ground. 480 00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:35,570 You're Columbus. 481 00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:38,546 I'm sorry. 482 00:38:38,749 --> 00:38:41,274 I didn't realize it was... 483 00:38:42,086 --> 00:38:45,385 I'm not sure what's more tragic: That my family is gone, 484 00:38:45,589 --> 00:38:49,423 or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with. 485 00:38:49,627 --> 00:38:53,586 Either way, I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for I'll find by going home. 486 00:38:53,798 --> 00:38:55,698 I have no home. 487 00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:57,299 Uh... 488 00:38:58,135 --> 00:39:01,662 We can, uh, get you a ride. 489 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:06,135 You know, you can go see for yourself, 490 00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,744 or settle somewhere new. 491 00:39:09,413 --> 00:39:10,778 Okay. 492 00:39:11,916 --> 00:39:14,384 I could tell she knew what I was feeling. 493 00:39:14,919 --> 00:39:17,911 We were all orphans in Zombieland. 494 00:39:31,001 --> 00:39:34,437 I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts, 495 00:39:36,507 --> 00:39:39,965 but it's just been so long since she got to be a kid. 496 00:39:40,344 --> 00:39:42,972 Yeah, it's tough growing up in Zombieland. 497 00:39:43,180 --> 00:39:45,512 It's tough growing up. 498 00:39:51,021 --> 00:39:52,318 There. 499 00:39:52,523 --> 00:39:54,320 You could take that truck. 500 00:39:59,130 --> 00:40:03,658 Well, I, uh, hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. 501 00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,036 And don't let go, once you do. 502 00:40:22,153 --> 00:40:24,986 It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go. 503 00:40:25,189 --> 00:40:28,852 It was because, in that moment, it became clear. 504 00:40:29,059 --> 00:40:33,496 Wherever this girl was, that's where I wanted to be. 505 00:40:52,082 --> 00:40:56,815 Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. 506 00:40:57,087 --> 00:41:00,147 "Wantum your wampum." Yeah. That'll work. 507 00:41:00,357 --> 00:41:02,222 Okay, but what the hell are we doing? 508 00:41:02,426 --> 00:41:04,986 Just humor him. Trust me. 509 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,941 Hold up. 510 00:41:19,343 --> 00:41:21,208 Who wants to go first? 511 00:41:21,412 --> 00:41:24,745 I really, really wanna impress Wichita, 512 00:41:24,949 --> 00:41:27,076 but it would be in violation of rule 17, 513 00:41:27,284 --> 00:41:31,220 maybe the most important rule of all: Don't be a hero. 514 00:41:31,422 --> 00:41:35,085 - Why don't you take this one? Don't mind if I do. 515 00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,805 What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? 516 00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:55,244 Close, but no cigar. Zombie kill of the week 517 00:41:55,446 --> 00:41:57,880 goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker. 518 00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:04,419 Poor flat bastard. 519 00:42:27,278 --> 00:42:28,745 - Perfume? - What? 520 00:42:28,946 --> 00:42:30,277 Is that perfume? 521 00:42:30,481 --> 00:42:33,450 Um... It's cologne. 522 00:42:33,651 --> 00:42:34,675 I'm thinking, 523 00:42:36,086 --> 00:42:37,144 Lancôme Magnifique. 524 00:42:37,354 --> 00:42:39,083 Why don't you speak up a little? 525 00:42:39,290 --> 00:42:41,781 I think they might have missed it in Santa Fe. 526 00:42:44,028 --> 00:42:45,586 Oh, my God. 527 00:42:45,796 --> 00:42:47,423 All right. Okay. 528 00:42:48,332 --> 00:42:50,994 You're thinking about fucking Wichita. 529 00:42:52,169 --> 00:42:55,696 Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. 530 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:57,968 Hey. 531 00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:01,538 Good luck now, Petunia. 532 00:43:08,552 --> 00:43:11,578 Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology 533 00:43:11,789 --> 00:43:14,053 by saying that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential. 534 00:43:14,258 --> 00:43:19,628 It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. 535 00:43:20,564 --> 00:43:25,126 - I'm sure. - You get, uh, 45 percent power. 536 00:43:25,336 --> 00:43:26,667 Thank you. 537 00:43:28,172 --> 00:43:31,039 Yeah. Come on, break another one. 538 00:43:35,346 --> 00:43:36,938 Nice. 539 00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:41,011 Doesn't that feel good? 540 00:43:41,919 --> 00:43:43,181 Yah! 541 00:44:30,768 --> 00:44:34,067 Sometimes, Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things, 542 00:44:34,271 --> 00:44:37,570 even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things. 543 00:44:41,578 --> 00:44:43,739 Smells like perfume. 544 00:44:46,150 --> 00:44:47,947 You don't know who Willie Nelson is? 545 00:44:48,152 --> 00:44:49,551 No. 546 00:44:50,621 --> 00:44:51,986 Willie Nelson? 547 00:44:52,189 --> 00:44:54,089 Yeah, no, I don't. 548 00:44:55,893 --> 00:44:58,794 Yeah, I shave every morning, but sometimes by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing. 549 00:44:58,996 --> 00:45:01,965 It's called 5:00 shadow, but sometimes I'll get it prematurely. 550 00:45:02,166 --> 00:45:06,102 Since it's a freeway, you can get it up to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75. 551 00:45:06,303 --> 00:45:10,000 - You don't wanna go more than 20. - Don't worry about a blind spot. 552 00:45:10,207 --> 00:45:12,175 Blind spots are for other drivers. 553 00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:15,004 It's like the first time that I've ever driven. 554 00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:19,342 So do you never strap in or it's just on long road trips? 555 00:45:19,583 --> 00:45:22,313 It's just, you know, there's zombies everywhere. 556 00:45:22,519 --> 00:45:24,111 I think the least of my worries 557 00:45:24,321 --> 00:45:26,312 - Yeah, that's true. - Is seat belts. 558 00:45:26,523 --> 00:45:27,649 Yes, but, no, she's not. 559 00:45:27,858 --> 00:45:30,520 She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig. 560 00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,822 - Okay. Right. Only wig. - So... 561 00:45:37,835 --> 00:45:39,860 It's kind of freeing. 562 00:45:40,104 --> 00:45:41,969 Yeah. 563 00:45:43,707 --> 00:45:47,871 For the first time in a long time, we were having fun. 564 00:45:48,112 --> 00:45:50,444 So even though it ran counter to our strategies, 565 00:45:50,647 --> 00:45:53,445 we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland. 566 00:46:22,513 --> 00:46:24,572 You know, I think sleep deprivation is, like, the number one 567 00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:25,806 health problem in America. 568 00:46:26,016 --> 00:46:28,246 Heh-heh. Well, now I think it might be number two. 569 00:46:28,485 --> 00:46:30,715 Number two. 570 00:46:30,921 --> 00:46:31,910 That's adorable. 571 00:46:32,156 --> 00:46:34,090 I'm just saying I think we should find a place to crash. 572 00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:35,349 Oh, I got an idea. 573 00:46:35,559 --> 00:46:39,154 We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. 574 00:46:44,168 --> 00:46:45,897 Grab a map. 575 00:46:51,942 --> 00:46:53,432 Come on. 576 00:46:53,677 --> 00:46:55,440 Hurry! Hurry! 577 00:46:55,679 --> 00:46:57,704 Good job. 578 00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,448 Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block. 579 00:47:06,690 --> 00:47:10,091 What exactly you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally? 580 00:47:10,594 --> 00:47:12,755 I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer. 581 00:47:12,963 --> 00:47:16,956 B- lister compared to who I got in mind, folks. 582 00:47:17,201 --> 00:47:20,227 We're going to the tippy-top of the A-list. 583 00:47:20,437 --> 00:47:22,234 - Who? - You'll see. 584 00:47:28,912 --> 00:47:30,243 Hey. There's a big BM. 585 00:47:31,648 --> 00:47:33,445 And it ain't Bob Marley. 586 00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:37,514 Whoa. 587 00:47:40,290 --> 00:47:42,690 This place is incredible. 588 00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:58,274 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to la mançion de Murray. 589 00:47:58,475 --> 00:48:01,933 - Ah. Bill Murray. - God, no way. 590 00:48:02,145 --> 00:48:05,603 This guy has a direct line to my funny bone. 591 00:48:05,816 --> 00:48:07,647 - Everything... - Wait. Who's Bill Murray? 592 00:48:07,851 --> 00:48:09,512 Hey, I've never hit a kid before. 593 00:48:11,154 --> 00:48:13,622 All right? I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is. 594 00:48:14,358 --> 00:48:16,019 Who's Gandhi? 595 00:48:16,260 --> 00:48:18,455 She's 12. 596 00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:23,533 - No Twinkies. - Shit, fuck! 597 00:48:23,767 --> 00:48:26,201 See? I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's. 598 00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:28,997 - No one listens to me. - Hello, inside voices. Okay? 599 00:48:29,206 --> 00:48:30,833 At least until we know we're alone. 600 00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:33,976 Hey, Tallahassee, Wichita, why don't you take that way. Little Rock, come here. 601 00:48:34,177 --> 00:48:36,509 Why do I get stuck with her? 602 00:48:39,850 --> 00:48:42,318 It doesn't seem to end. 603 00:48:47,691 --> 00:48:50,683 Hey, come here. Whoa. 604 00:48:50,894 --> 00:48:53,556 He has his own movie theater? 605 00:48:54,665 --> 00:48:56,098 Whoa. 606 00:48:57,234 --> 00:48:59,794 Okay, I'm gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray. 607 00:49:01,738 --> 00:49:04,366 A king slept right here. 608 00:49:05,509 --> 00:49:07,704 Dibs on the bed. 609 00:49:10,247 --> 00:49:12,909 Too soft for me, anyway. 610 00:49:19,756 --> 00:49:22,884 Oh, this is so exciting. You're about to learn who you gonna call. 611 00:49:23,093 --> 00:49:25,357 It's Ghostbusters. 612 00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,448 This is pretty catchy. 613 00:49:46,249 --> 00:49:47,841 Come on. 614 00:49:48,051 --> 00:49:50,383 Help me with the boots. Come on. 615 00:49:50,587 --> 00:49:52,020 Help me with the boots. 616 00:49:52,222 --> 00:49:56,022 Okay. I'll get them myself. 617 00:50:15,912 --> 00:50:17,641 Shit. 618 00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:24,610 Bill Murray, you're a zombie? 619 00:50:27,591 --> 00:50:33,086 Ah! Ah! Oh! I'm on fire! Ouch! 620 00:50:33,430 --> 00:50:35,489 You're not a zombie, you're talking, and... 621 00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,497 - You're okay? - The hell I am! 622 00:50:38,702 --> 00:50:42,331 I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was "you" you. 623 00:50:42,539 --> 00:50:44,507 Are you...? What's with the get-up? 624 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,438 Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. 625 00:50:47,644 --> 00:50:49,635 Zombies don't mess with other zombies. 626 00:50:49,846 --> 00:50:51,905 Buddy of mine, makeup guy, showed me how to do this. 627 00:50:52,115 --> 00:50:55,448 Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. 628 00:50:55,652 --> 00:50:59,179 Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. 629 00:50:59,423 --> 00:51:03,359 Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there. 630 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,792 Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! 631 00:51:07,998 --> 00:51:10,159 I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. 632 00:51:10,367 --> 00:51:14,360 This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. 633 00:51:14,571 --> 00:51:17,267 Maybe not lately, but I'm... I'm such a huge fan of yours. 634 00:51:17,474 --> 00:51:18,771 I mean, I swear, you know, 635 00:51:18,975 --> 00:51:22,103 I've seen every one of your movies a million times. 636 00:51:22,312 --> 00:51:27,147 I even love your dramatic roles and just everything. 637 00:51:27,350 --> 00:51:31,150 Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray! 638 00:51:31,354 --> 00:51:34,983 I know that's not your middle name. I been watching you since I was like... Si... 639 00:51:35,192 --> 00:51:38,628 Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. 640 00:51:38,829 --> 00:51:41,525 "A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion." 641 00:51:46,603 --> 00:51:48,798 Well, that's why we do it. 642 00:51:50,006 --> 00:51:51,997 I love you, Bill. I love you. 643 00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:53,674 I thank you. 644 00:51:54,010 --> 00:51:55,204 Thank you. 645 00:51:55,712 --> 00:51:57,976 You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece. 646 00:51:58,181 --> 00:52:01,673 I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen. 647 00:52:01,885 --> 00:52:03,716 I just saw Eddie Van Halen. Nuh-uh. 648 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:04,887 - Really? - Yeah. 649 00:52:05,555 --> 00:52:07,716 - Where? How was that? - At the Hollywood Bowl. 650 00:52:07,924 --> 00:52:09,221 He's a zombie. 651 00:52:09,426 --> 00:52:11,394 Aw. That's a tough break. 652 00:52:11,595 --> 00:52:14,223 So, uh, how about a little West Coast hospitality? 653 00:52:14,431 --> 00:52:15,693 Can I... Wha... Can I get you something? 654 00:52:15,899 --> 00:52:17,161 What would you... What would you like? 655 00:52:28,612 --> 00:52:30,773 - Smooth, isn't it? - Mm-hm. 656 00:52:31,014 --> 00:52:33,812 Oh, hurry. Hurry, he's on the ceiling. 657 00:52:35,218 --> 00:52:37,914 - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier. - Light him up, Ray. 658 00:52:38,121 --> 00:52:42,217 - See you on the other side, Pete. - Oh, he's so disgusting. 659 00:52:42,425 --> 00:52:45,258 - Looks like Slimer. - Don't cross the streams! 660 00:52:45,462 --> 00:52:47,453 - Ah! I don't wanna cross... - Oh, no, he's awful. 661 00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:50,098 Don't cross the streams! 662 00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:56,067 Thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds. 663 00:52:56,273 --> 00:52:57,399 That's a big Twinkie. 664 00:52:58,074 --> 00:52:59,905 Your sister is, uh, single, right? 665 00:53:00,110 --> 00:53:02,544 There's nothing long distance or anything? 666 00:53:02,746 --> 00:53:04,509 - No. - Oh, good, good. 667 00:53:05,549 --> 00:53:08,541 And if she had, like, a type, you know, 668 00:53:08,752 --> 00:53:11,778 if you can have a type, what would that be, you think? 669 00:53:11,988 --> 00:53:14,252 She kind of goes for, like, bad boys. 670 00:53:14,457 --> 00:53:15,651 - Really? - Yeah. 671 00:53:15,859 --> 00:53:17,417 That's cool. 672 00:53:17,627 --> 00:53:19,151 What? 673 00:53:19,396 --> 00:53:20,886 Oh, whoops. 674 00:53:21,097 --> 00:53:25,796 - So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah. He's like a little bunny. 675 00:53:26,603 --> 00:53:28,332 I'll get him. 676 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:31,971 Watch this. 677 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,042 Oh! Oh! 678 00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:42,578 No. 679 00:53:42,786 --> 00:53:44,651 No, no, it's okay, it's okay. 680 00:53:44,854 --> 00:53:46,651 I got him. 681 00:53:50,994 --> 00:53:54,122 Is that how you say hello where you come from? 682 00:53:54,798 --> 00:53:56,129 Oh, my God. 683 00:53:56,333 --> 00:53:59,200 Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray. 684 00:54:00,637 --> 00:54:05,074 - Mr. Murray? - I'm just Bill, I think, now. 685 00:54:05,842 --> 00:54:07,969 - Bill? - Yeah? 686 00:54:08,178 --> 00:54:11,341 I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. 687 00:54:11,948 --> 00:54:15,145 Ahh. That's still tender. 688 00:54:15,352 --> 00:54:17,081 You think you might pull through? 689 00:54:20,624 --> 00:54:21,818 No. 690 00:54:22,025 --> 00:54:25,017 If it means anything now, I am so sorry. 691 00:54:25,228 --> 00:54:27,128 It was just instinctive. 692 00:54:27,330 --> 00:54:29,025 It was my bad. 693 00:54:29,232 --> 00:54:32,463 I was never a very good practical joker. 694 00:54:33,069 --> 00:54:34,661 So do you have any regrets? 695 00:54:37,774 --> 00:54:40,140 Garfield, maybe. 696 00:55:04,668 --> 00:55:07,637 I'm sorry, he just gets me. 697 00:55:09,205 --> 00:55:11,036 - But it still is sad. - Yeah. 698 00:55:14,077 --> 00:55:16,272 - Okay. - Oh, shit. 699 00:55:17,714 --> 00:55:19,705 Okay. Okay. 700 00:55:20,383 --> 00:55:23,216 Okay. Shit. Okay. 701 00:55:23,687 --> 00:55:24,813 Oh. 702 00:55:31,728 --> 00:55:37,257 Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel. Sorry. 703 00:55:37,467 --> 00:55:38,957 Okay. 704 00:55:43,907 --> 00:55:47,866 Three, two, one. 705 00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:50,604 - You guys want some Purell? - Yes. 706 00:55:50,814 --> 00:55:51,872 - Please. - Yeah. 707 00:55:52,248 --> 00:55:53,272 Around the world. 708 00:55:57,487 --> 00:55:58,954 - Yes. - Whoa. 709 00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,450 - Oh, free parking. - Yeah. 710 00:56:02,659 --> 00:56:05,093 Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about Zombieland. 711 00:56:05,295 --> 00:56:08,128 No, best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. 712 00:56:08,331 --> 00:56:11,164 You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." 713 00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:15,464 - Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing. 714 00:56:15,672 --> 00:56:19,005 - Epic. - And the worst thing about Z-land? 715 00:56:19,242 --> 00:56:21,767 You mean, other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray? 716 00:56:21,978 --> 00:56:24,105 That's easy. Losing Buck. 717 00:56:25,148 --> 00:56:26,945 That's his puppy. 718 00:56:27,150 --> 00:56:31,348 I'm gonna tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Buck. 719 00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:35,615 He was just... The day he was born, I just lost my mind. 720 00:56:37,794 --> 00:56:38,783 Sorry. 721 00:56:40,497 --> 00:56:42,965 We were... We were two peas. 722 00:56:43,166 --> 00:56:49,127 He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite. 723 00:56:49,339 --> 00:56:50,431 Laugh? 724 00:56:50,640 --> 00:56:54,303 That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long... 725 00:56:54,511 --> 00:56:56,445 Me, with the best cardio in the business. 726 00:56:56,646 --> 00:56:59,376 To realize I wasn't the only one running from something. 727 00:57:05,889 --> 00:57:10,019 Oh, there it is. There you go. 728 00:57:10,226 --> 00:57:13,753 Oh, you like the syrup. Yes. 729 00:57:15,031 --> 00:57:16,692 Okay. 730 00:57:23,673 --> 00:57:26,801 We made this wallet together out of duct tape. 731 00:57:32,682 --> 00:57:33,910 Take away a man's son, 732 00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:36,885 you've truly given him nothing left to lose. 733 00:57:47,464 --> 00:57:51,161 I haven't cried like that since Titanic. 734 00:58:09,419 --> 00:58:11,046 Hi. 735 00:58:32,108 --> 00:58:33,268 A hint. 736 00:58:34,244 --> 00:58:41,343 Why don't you, uh, exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger? 737 00:59:14,617 --> 00:59:16,312 Don't make me drink alone. 738 00:59:16,519 --> 00:59:18,248 Okay. 739 00:59:23,793 --> 00:59:27,854 It's a 1997 Geor... Georges? 740 00:59:29,365 --> 00:59:33,324 I never took French. Georges de Latour? I don't know. 741 00:59:33,536 --> 00:59:36,767 - Oh, it's a '97? - Yeah. 742 00:59:36,973 --> 00:59:39,305 - Was that a good year? - Oh, my God. 743 00:59:39,509 --> 00:59:40,999 It was great year. Are you kidding me? 744 00:59:41,210 --> 00:59:44,839 I saw my first R-rated movie that year. 745 00:59:45,048 --> 00:59:46,948 - Yeah, Anaconda. - Ah. Anaconda. 746 00:59:48,818 --> 00:59:52,049 Um... First tattoo, porpoise. 747 00:59:52,255 --> 00:59:54,314 - Really? - Fake. 748 00:59:54,657 --> 00:59:56,648 First kiss. 749 00:59:57,460 --> 00:59:58,620 Scotty Lynch. 750 00:59:59,262 --> 01:00:01,924 You guys used tongue? 751 01:00:04,667 --> 01:00:06,658 Maybe. 752 01:00:07,537 --> 01:00:09,061 You jealous of Scotty Lynch? 753 01:00:10,673 --> 01:00:13,164 Uh, yes, I am. Um... 754 01:00:13,376 --> 01:00:17,836 Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Uh... 755 01:00:18,047 --> 01:00:21,813 Let's see. Mine, um, uh... 756 01:00:22,018 --> 01:00:24,145 First orthodontist. 757 01:00:24,354 --> 01:00:27,414 The bastard gave me headgear. Yeah. I got my first B. 758 01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:29,524 Oh, no. 759 01:00:29,726 --> 01:00:32,217 Frightening as Anaconda. Um... 760 01:00:33,062 --> 01:00:36,395 In wood shop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. 761 01:00:36,599 --> 01:00:39,033 No. Um... 762 01:00:39,235 --> 01:00:41,795 Had my first, uh, school dance. Oh, thank you. 763 01:00:42,005 --> 01:00:45,964 It was a Sadie Hawkins, so girls' choice, you know. 764 01:00:48,511 --> 01:00:50,342 Ugh. What, and nobody picked you? 765 01:00:50,546 --> 01:00:52,844 It was girls' choice. 766 01:00:53,049 --> 01:00:55,449 - Those bitches. - I know. 767 01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:58,519 No, I will not stand for this. No. You know what? 768 01:00:59,255 --> 01:01:01,655 On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, 769 01:01:01,858 --> 01:01:05,021 I would like to make it up to you. 770 01:01:07,830 --> 01:01:08,922 Relax. 771 01:01:09,132 --> 01:01:11,430 Scotty's old news. 772 01:01:46,703 --> 01:01:51,231 I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. 773 01:01:51,441 --> 01:01:55,844 You know, between you, me and What About Bob? 774 01:01:57,447 --> 01:01:59,176 You're actually kind of cute. 775 01:01:59,382 --> 01:02:00,440 You think so? 776 01:02:01,684 --> 01:02:02,981 Yeah. 777 01:02:03,786 --> 01:02:06,448 I mean, you got the guts of a guppy, 778 01:02:07,290 --> 01:02:09,417 but I could hit that. 779 01:02:12,995 --> 01:02:14,860 Really? 780 01:02:15,398 --> 01:02:18,856 Or at least give you the intentional walk to first. 781 01:02:29,245 --> 01:02:31,076 Hey, a little help moving the couch? 782 01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:34,647 Oh. We're making a fort. 783 01:02:39,722 --> 01:02:41,713 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's probably for the best. 784 01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:43,721 - Right. - Uh, because, um, 785 01:02:45,661 --> 01:02:47,288 I like you, 786 01:02:47,497 --> 01:02:50,057 Columbus, but, um... But, uh, my sister and I, 787 01:02:50,266 --> 01:02:53,531 are gonna do whatever it takes to survive, so... 788 01:03:04,747 --> 01:03:07,409 I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get, 789 01:03:07,650 --> 01:03:10,084 but I realized she had more trust issues than I did, 790 01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:13,153 when I woke up the next day and she was leaving. 791 01:03:17,860 --> 01:03:19,885 You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, 792 01:03:20,096 --> 01:03:23,224 like, developed in a secret fucking government lab. 793 01:03:23,699 --> 01:03:25,166 Hey. 794 01:03:25,368 --> 01:03:28,030 I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? 795 01:03:28,237 --> 01:03:30,933 - Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me. 796 01:03:31,741 --> 01:03:33,936 Yeah. You and me. 797 01:03:47,557 --> 01:03:49,923 You have just survived the zombie apocalypse, 798 01:03:50,126 --> 01:03:52,094 and drove halfway across the country. 799 01:03:52,295 --> 01:03:53,762 Where are you gonna go? 800 01:03:53,963 --> 01:03:57,455 I'm going to Pacific Playland. Whoo! Ha-ha. 801 01:04:15,818 --> 01:04:18,309 Open sesame. 802 01:04:28,130 --> 01:04:30,792 This is the problem with getting attached to someone. 803 01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:33,594 When they leave you, you just feel lost. 804 01:04:33,803 --> 01:04:35,930 Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, 805 01:04:36,138 --> 01:04:37,765 it just made me feel more alone. 806 01:04:37,974 --> 01:04:41,637 Hey. You weren't exactly gonna score, anyway. 807 01:04:41,844 --> 01:04:45,211 You know, you weren't storming the trenches before I came along. 808 01:04:47,250 --> 01:04:50,413 That's why I don't let people close. You only get burned. 809 01:04:50,620 --> 01:04:51,644 You don't say. 810 01:04:53,789 --> 01:04:55,256 Mexico. 811 01:04:55,458 --> 01:04:57,517 You know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? 812 01:04:59,695 --> 01:05:03,859 - That's where I'm headed, amigo. - Whatever. 813 01:05:59,055 --> 01:06:00,283 - Oh, my God. - I know. 814 01:06:00,489 --> 01:06:01,478 This is really fun. 815 01:06:01,691 --> 01:06:02,851 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 816 01:06:27,550 --> 01:06:29,313 Oh, no. 817 01:06:32,588 --> 01:06:34,021 I'm going after Wichita. 818 01:06:34,223 --> 01:06:37,750 Look, you ever read that book She's Just Not That Into You? 819 01:06:37,960 --> 01:06:39,894 You can't make yourself too available. 820 01:06:40,096 --> 01:06:42,724 I don't care, all right? I wanna be with her. 821 01:06:43,132 --> 01:06:45,327 Have fun in Mexico. 822 01:06:50,406 --> 01:06:52,067 Come on. Hurry. 823 01:06:56,312 --> 01:06:57,472 Get in. 824 01:07:06,622 --> 01:07:08,556 Come on, go. 825 01:07:10,159 --> 01:07:11,421 Go, go. 826 01:07:24,473 --> 01:07:28,375 On the count of three. One, two, three. 827 01:07:42,124 --> 01:07:45,821 Uhn. You okay? Come on. Hurry, get up. 828 01:07:46,028 --> 01:07:47,188 - Come on, let's go. - Yeah. 829 01:07:53,135 --> 01:07:54,898 There. 830 01:08:12,421 --> 01:08:17,859 Um, uh... I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, 831 01:08:19,595 --> 01:08:20,687 that'll do, pig. 832 01:08:21,697 --> 01:08:23,688 That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, 833 01:08:23,899 --> 01:08:25,992 and you stole it from a movie. 834 01:08:29,205 --> 01:08:31,332 Tell the ladies I said hey. 835 01:08:31,540 --> 01:08:34,065 You know, their pictures were in someone's wallet too. 836 01:08:59,735 --> 01:09:01,532 Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. 837 01:09:02,004 --> 01:09:05,872 - Let's go ride the roller coaster. - Thanks. 838 01:09:15,918 --> 01:09:17,510 Go! 839 01:09:32,268 --> 01:09:33,599 Ah! 840 01:10:17,513 --> 01:10:18,980 Not as fun as I remember. 841 01:10:24,853 --> 01:10:27,048 Shoot the control box. 842 01:10:59,555 --> 01:11:00,817 - Columbus? - Tallahassee? 843 01:11:01,023 --> 01:11:05,551 I think they might actually require our assistance this time. 844 01:11:05,761 --> 01:11:09,458 - Buckle up. - Yeah. I'm way ahead of you. 845 01:11:11,233 --> 01:11:13,701 Time to nut up or shut up. 846 01:11:18,140 --> 01:11:19,664 Holy shit. 847 01:11:41,697 --> 01:11:46,066 My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. 848 01:11:46,268 --> 01:11:48,668 Who'd have guessed that something would be zombie killing? 849 01:11:48,871 --> 01:11:49,860 Probably nobody. 850 01:11:51,440 --> 01:11:53,032 Look. 851 01:11:55,811 --> 01:11:58,439 We better start working on our apology. 852 01:12:12,895 --> 01:12:15,557 Oh, no. No. 853 01:12:22,838 --> 01:12:23,862 - Hey! - Hey! 854 01:12:24,073 --> 01:12:25,404 - Hey! Ohio! - Over here! 855 01:12:25,607 --> 01:12:27,575 - Hey! Help! - Help! 856 01:12:27,776 --> 01:12:30,210 - Oh, my God. - Help! 857 01:12:30,412 --> 01:12:31,811 Hey! 858 01:12:32,414 --> 01:12:33,881 Help! 859 01:12:34,083 --> 01:12:37,211 - Hey, they're up there. They're okay. - What are you waiting for? 860 01:12:37,419 --> 01:12:38,443 That's your gal. 861 01:12:40,489 --> 01:12:41,683 - Over here! - Help! 862 01:12:44,426 --> 01:12:47,918 Come on! Come get a piece of Tallahassee! 863 01:12:48,130 --> 01:12:50,064 Anybody hungry? 864 01:12:50,265 --> 01:12:54,895 Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on! 865 01:12:55,104 --> 01:12:56,401 Come on, you ugly bastards! 866 01:13:15,557 --> 01:13:17,024 Holy shit. 867 01:13:19,061 --> 01:13:20,585 Holy shit. 868 01:13:20,796 --> 01:13:22,491 Hey! 869 01:13:24,433 --> 01:13:27,891 Ha-ha. Whoo. Whoo, whoo. 870 01:13:39,548 --> 01:13:40,845 Ah! 871 01:13:48,056 --> 01:13:49,148 Motherfucker! 872 01:14:20,889 --> 01:14:23,084 Shit. I'm out of shells. 873 01:14:26,895 --> 01:14:27,987 Bingo. 874 01:14:34,736 --> 01:14:36,294 Hee-hee! 875 01:14:36,538 --> 01:14:37,903 Yeah! 876 01:14:38,841 --> 01:14:40,069 Oh, yeah. 877 01:14:40,609 --> 01:14:41,598 Whoo! 878 01:14:50,085 --> 01:14:51,746 Here we go. 879 01:17:22,404 --> 01:17:25,032 Oh. Oh, shit. 880 01:17:26,308 --> 01:17:29,072 - Wichita! Little Rock! - Hurry! 881 01:17:32,214 --> 01:17:34,273 Oh, my God. 882 01:17:34,516 --> 01:17:36,575 Look at this fucking clown. 883 01:17:39,821 --> 01:17:42,585 Of course. It had to be a clown. 884 01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:44,691 Fuck. 885 01:17:46,061 --> 01:17:49,519 No, wait, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita 886 01:17:49,731 --> 01:17:51,562 for me to finally understand 887 01:17:52,401 --> 01:17:54,961 that some rules are made to be broken. 888 01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:00,239 Time to nut up or shut up. 889 01:18:04,780 --> 01:18:06,645 Fuck this clown. 890 01:18:50,826 --> 01:18:52,350 - Thanks. - Hey. 891 01:18:52,594 --> 01:18:55,757 Get your gun. Here you go. Hi. 892 01:18:56,331 --> 01:18:57,491 Okay. 893 01:19:06,508 --> 01:19:08,669 Krista. 894 01:19:42,043 --> 01:19:45,740 Okay. We should probably head out now. 895 01:19:50,252 --> 01:19:52,550 Finally got to first base. 896 01:19:52,754 --> 01:19:55,985 Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. 897 01:20:03,465 --> 01:20:05,365 Where's Florida? 898 01:20:05,567 --> 01:20:06,864 Uh... 899 01:20:09,104 --> 01:20:10,662 I have a little hunch. 900 01:20:12,707 --> 01:20:16,199 Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards? 901 01:20:16,411 --> 01:20:17,844 - Where are you? - Yo. 902 01:20:19,881 --> 01:20:22,679 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 903 01:20:22,884 --> 01:20:24,852 False advertising. 904 01:20:28,490 --> 01:20:29,855 Jesus Christ. 905 01:20:31,593 --> 01:20:33,083 You want a Sno Ball or something? 906 01:21:00,322 --> 01:21:02,552 Oh, God. 907 01:21:08,630 --> 01:21:11,565 Words cannot express. 908 01:21:12,234 --> 01:21:13,223 It's too soon. 909 01:21:13,435 --> 01:21:17,428 Do you think you could maybe just pick out the buckshot and just kind of eat around it? 910 01:21:17,639 --> 01:21:18,833 Okay, yeah. 911 01:21:21,042 --> 01:21:22,907 No! 912 01:21:23,111 --> 01:21:25,511 - No! - No! 913 01:21:28,316 --> 01:21:29,476 That face? 914 01:21:29,684 --> 01:21:32,983 That's me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck 915 01:21:34,456 --> 01:21:37,118 and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket, 916 01:21:37,525 --> 01:21:40,016 they were the closest to something I'd always wanted 917 01:21:40,228 --> 01:21:41,490 but never really had. 918 01:21:42,163 --> 01:21:43,630 A family. 919 01:21:43,832 --> 01:21:46,494 I trusted them and they trusted me. 920 01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:52,503 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 921 01:21:53,909 --> 01:21:55,706 Tallahassee got his Twinkie. 922 01:21:55,911 --> 01:22:00,041 And even though life would never be simple or innocent again, 923 01:22:00,282 --> 01:22:03,376 as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream, 924 01:22:03,585 --> 01:22:05,815 we had hope. We had each other. 925 01:22:07,656 --> 01:22:12,184 And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie. 926 01:22:12,427 --> 01:22:14,190 - Thank you so much. - You had us going. 927 01:22:14,396 --> 01:22:15,522 Yeah. 928 01:22:15,730 --> 01:22:18,028 Whoa, whoa. Whoa. 929 01:22:18,233 --> 01:22:19,791 That was very funny. 930 01:22:20,001 --> 01:22:21,468 So until next time, remember: 931 01:22:21,670 --> 01:22:24,639 Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything, 932 01:22:24,839 --> 01:22:26,670 but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. 933 01:22:29,210 --> 01:22:33,977 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland, saying good night. 934 01:26:58,012 --> 01:27:03,109 In the words of the immortal Jean-Paul Sartre... 935 01:27:08,122 --> 01:27:11,148 In the... In the immortal... How do you do it? 936 01:27:11,359 --> 01:27:12,656 Just give me a little hint. 937 01:27:12,860 --> 01:27:19,322 In the words of, uh, the immortal, uh, philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, uh, 938 01:27:20,401 --> 01:27:22,301 au revoir, gopher. 939 01:27:22,503 --> 01:27:23,561 Okay.